Just to give you a quick run down. This is whats been happening

my wife she left after i told her that she should leave. We got into an arguiement because she wanted me to be home and we got into an arguement and she left when i told her to. She was always going out with her friend. And one day when i do the same its over.

I have a problem with telling her to leave. She told me the next time that i told her that it would be the end of us. Now i am alone with out her and she knows it hurts me but shes not even trying to talk to me. I told her a while ago that i would change a few things and now she says that she believes that i am never going to change.

She said that this is the way i wanted it to be. She plays alot of games and i wish for once she would be straight foward with me. Her best friend kick out her x boyfriend so i know that she is there to comfort her so i am guessing that is why she has not been calling me i called her at work yesterday and we talked she even called me back. her contact comes and goes with me but now i dont know what to do. If i call her she knows i am hurting. I am just so lost.

Welcome to MB.

First, this forum is slow and even slower over the weekend. For lots more responses, post on Emotional Needs.

So, what do you do? Start by reading the basic concepts on this web site. Do that BEFORE you call her again. Otherwise, you could be doing more harm than good when you talk. You need to avoid LoveBusters. LoveBusters lose you points and hurt the other person’s love for you. On a web site like this, the easiest to spot are disrespectful judgments (DJ), and you made a few in your posts. You said “she always going out.” Always and Never words usually mean a DJ. Then, you accused her of playing games. That was really disrespectful, especially since you’re the one who told her to go.

Now, before you think I’m being too tough on you… We can’t change her behavior. You can’t change her behavior. Only your girlfriend can change her behavior. You can change yours, and you’re the one here. So, the advice you get here will help you make changes that will in turn motivate her to come back and even make her own changes.

From the little you wrote, I’m guess both of you have been guilty of Independent Behavior, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgments. I’m betting Angry outbursts as well. There’s an article on this site about Fighting and how fighting with your spouse is never okay. You don’t want to win if it means your spouse loses. So, how do you both win and get what you want?

Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) states that neither does anything that the other doesn’t enthusiastically agree with. If she didn’t agree wholeheartedly you go out with your friend, you don’t go. If you don’t agree to her going out, she doesn’t go. Then, you brainstorm all kinds of ways that you would be enthusiastic about her going out. Or she would be enthusiastic about you going out. Maybe you get a babysitter and you both go out on the same night.

I also suggest you two get some couples counseling. Many pastors are getting training in this. I know they hate to see families ripped apart.

One last word, your girlfriend is probably hurting just as much as you, if not more. That’s why she’s not talking to you. She’s really disappointed, hurt, demoralized, frustrated and losing hope. Read Seabird’s early posts, The Tall Man’s posts and BWS. TTM and BWS are pulling their marriages back from divorce. Seabird is trying his darndest, but so far, his wife is disbelieving. Anyway, these may give you more perspective on what your girlfriend is feeling and thinking.