Just wondering. WH is going to be served with his D papers this week. I am nervous about how he is going to act. Everyone I have talked to says that they think that he is acting ok with it, because he does not think that I really went through with it. They think that he is going to get mad about it.

I was thinking that he was going to be ok with it, but now I do not know. I wanted to get along well, until all was said and done, but I need to set clearer boundaries with him, and I do not know if NOW is the time to do it, or if I should wait until the D is done.

For example: he borrowed a house key a few weeks back. I still have not gotten it back. I came home today, and he had already brought the kids back to my house (he had them last night) and they were all laying on my be watching a movie.

On many counts this annoyed me. I asked for the key back, and he said ok, then conveniently forgot to leave it, called me and said that he would bring it by tomorrow. Gee, I wonder if he is going to make a copy???

But then laying on my bed, and he had checked the caller id... he ACTS like it is still his house.

And that annoys me. I know a lot of it is my fault, but I am not sure what to do now... Do I wait, do I act now?

We had reached an agreement on how we were going to split everything, and I do not want to make him mad, so that he will change his mind.

Any advice out there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, divorce is not always civil and pleasant. You are going to have to set some boundries and stop worrying whether he will be sore with you.

Is there some other reason you are worried? Is he abusive or vindictive? He may well change his mind, but so might you. You're just getting started.

You've been separated a long time and he no longer lives there. I'd say it's time to change the locks and forget about the key.

If you've been enabling his behavior along the way, then it's really time to call it quits.

If the house is marital property, it will be dealt with in the settlement.

i agree, change the locks and set some boundaries for crying out loud.

if i found mine laying on my bed watching a movie with my kids when i was not there, hmmm.. don't think so!

when i gave mine legal sep papers he hemmed and hawed and blah blah blah. push had to come to shove before he would sign them. not that he wanted to be back in the marriage, he just thought everything was hunky dorey as it was, why sign papers? well, because papers PROTECTED ME AND MY KIDS! it meant what was in those papers is what would hold up in court and he would most likely have to stand by them. oh, he didn't like that, but he finally signed them. i told him if he didn't like what was in the papers to go and hire an attorney and shell out the bucks to draw up his own. nothing in it would change since i got all i was entitled to under state law.

after that, he signed them. he wasn't gonna shell out any money for it trust me.

don't worry what he thinks. that is what attorneys are for. let them deal with it.

mlhb

After my WH was served (a complete surprise to him), I came home to find his wedding ring on the kitchen counter. Next to it, was a note that said, "Good Luck!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As the house was still legally 1/2 his, I was advised not to change the locks by my attorney. But, that same week, I was at the mall and lost my keys, so I was FORCED to have the locks changed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good luck---

UpandRunning

What I am worried about is that when I talked to my A, he basically let me know how MUCH money I had to LOSE (potentially) if my WH were to decide to fight for it.

Half of my savings (he has none)
Half the equity of the house (a lot)

I could go on and on. All he has is DEBT, and MORE DEBT.

I was advised to 'play nice' until my WH signed off on everything. My WH said that he wanted to just keep things like they are, meaning, his is his, mine is mine, and have it written up that way.

But, this was only after weeks of me being nice to him. Now it is weeks later, and he still says this.

But, he is known for changing his mind. I do not want him to change his mind about THIS (money issues). Not at all.

I know that I have helped to make this pot that I am in... I am just ready to get out of it, and "wash that man right out of my hair". But if I have to wait until he signs off, I guess that I can do that too.

Sadmo,

My advice is to expect the worst, and if things come out better, then so be it...

You definitely need to set up boundaries. Until your temporary orders are spelled out, he may try to come and go at will. Put your foot down. Once the judge gives you exclusive use of your residence, he should be ok, but until then, be on your guard. Change the locks as soon as he is served.

My WH asked me for the divorce, but he wanted a totally non-confrontational divorce. After he told me he wanted to take money out of our joint account to get himself (and his gf) a new apartment, I put my foot down and filed. By doing so, I made him responsible for his own debt and I guarenteed that he had to pay child support. I did it for my own protection. Yes, he was pissed and still is. He didn't expect me to go through with it. He had under estimated me during this whole divorce process.

Divorce can get ugly. No, I don't want you glancing over your shoulder every two seconds, but I do want you to take precautions to protect yourself... If you ever feel threatened, call 911 and your lawyer immediately. You are going to have to look out for number one now...yourself!

Xetta-
No, it is not that I feel threatened by him. Not at all. I just feel kind of like a doormat.

Quick recap:
We had kids, he started going out, I was unhappy, decided to make HIM miserable too, he kept going out, I gave him an ultimatum-either shape up or ship out, he said ship out, several months later, I kicked him out. I was so unhappy.

I thought that would wake him up, but no, he seemed relieved. He avoided me, and the girls for several months. He then found a GF, she dumped him, and he started to lurk around me. He since then has been nice to me... but, he is still on the prowl for someone else. And I am just fed up with him. So I filed. He has been all "cool" about any of the talks that we had about divorcing, and I just want it to stay that way. No, I do not feel threatened. I just do not want to lose all that I worked so hard for.

My A said that since he has been gone for almost a year (at that time) I could change my locks. I did. But I gave him a key for a day, and he keeps 'forgetting' to give it back.

It is like he is acting like this is his parents home or something, and he can come and go when he wants. And I do not like that. Not that he comes and goes all of the time, but still, he does sometimes. I had to tell him last week that I did not want him going through my cabinets. He kept looking for things that he "may have" left. I told him that I gave him everything that was his, so please stop. I told him that unless he gave me a key to his house, and free reign to do whatever I wanted at his house, that he needed to stop. He actually said, "now why would I give you a key to my place? You never lived there!" And I said, "and YOU do not live here. Please have respect." He stopped then. It is just getting annoying.

He'll only know the locks are changed if he tries to get in when you aren't there. Then he'll have some 'splainin' to do.

Just a thought.

JinGA

I'd change the locks again. But other than that, I'd play nice as your lawyer suggested. I would also do nothing to disturb the precarious balance. I know that doesn't sound very MB, but right now, the last thing you want is for him to feel that he's better off fighting you and dragging out the divorce rather than have it be as pleasant as possible.

Well, I came home from work today, and my WH had been at the house AGAIN while I was not there.

It really annoyed me.

When he called to tell the girls goodnight, I told him that they were already sleeping (they were), but if we could talk for a few minute, I would appreciate it.

SO I told him that I was uncomfortable with him coming and going without telling me, that I would appreciate if he called me and left me a message on my cell phone if he is going into the house when I am not there. (To keep the balance, so that he would not be too offended.)

What does he do? He gets ANGRY. He tells me that fine, he will just not come over at all anymore,he came to let the dogs out for me, he is sorry that he is making me feel this way, maybe when he is not around I can ask myself what the big deal was... I interrupted him, and I said, "look, I am just asking you to let me know if you are at the house when I am not here." He said, "You know, you put me in a bad mood. I am not comfortable with the house being in my name too,You just ruin my mood all of the time, and I am SICK OF IT!"

SLAM! He hung up on me.

He is looking for ANY reason to be 'mad' at me. Yet it still makes me mad too, that he is treating ME like the bad guy in all of this.

I also wanted to tell him that he would be served with papers this week. Just to give him the heads up. Well, I guess that he will just be surprised.

I am not going to read through all of your replies because I have no more time today, but I would certainly hope that the vote was strong in the "change your locks and phone number" category.

You filed, and you really can't use that to manipulate any spouse, much less the walkaway variety. They are truly a breed apart. I assume that you did it to try and regain some ground in the respect department, which I commend you for. If nothing else, you will (hopefully) get a little self-respect back. I think you are sorely needing some of that in any case. Hey, don't feel bad that you are hurt and offended. I would worry about you if you were not offended. He is being offensive to you for a reason. He wants out, but he does not want rto take esponsibility for that fact. That is the hallmark of the WAS - they want no responsibility for it. My marriage took about 1.5 years to fail. It took my career, self-respect and alot of other things with it.

Change the locks. My XW is a walkaway, and she took alot of energy from me in the process because I let her do it. Look at my username, for cryin' out loud! I was devastated and I have not yet climbed out of the hole that my XW and I dug in the last year of our marriage.

Oh, no...not one speck of that offense is your fault! It is your birthright as a human being, a woman and a wife. One of you needs to respect you. Looks like it will have to be you at first.

He acts that way because you give him no reason no to. I mistook some of that in my XW for reticence to leave, but...I still don't know the answer to that one 6 years after the divorce. It does not matter any more. It really didn't then, either. He definitely knows how to push your buttons, you might need to get a poker face for this. You certainly can't go dark with your emotions on your sleeve, that would not only not work, it would cost you after the divorce, and you do not need that added heartache.

I would not try to anger him intentionally, but...you need to make clear that you are prepared to move on. Changing the locks would help to do that. He is getting all he wants from you without even working, and he is still able to manipulate your emotions easily. Stop doing that, please. It enables him as a WH, and you and your children suffer as a result.

What if he takes that as tacit permission to proceed? Well, ma'am, that is probably what he is lacking at this point anyway, and do you really want him back so much that you are willing to let him walk all over your dignity like that? I have never read a marriage saving technique that involved caving to such a lop-sided and manipulative relationship. I cannot imagine it sustaining you for very long. Certainly, he would not respect you enough to love you properly, and provide your ENs. It would probably be worse than it is now, and you would feel trapped by your marriage. (Then, you might be the WAS in a few years.)

Having said that, I would've done anything, and I put that out there very clearly to my XW. She was not only not interested, but...I lost even more ground with her and the OM ate it all up like it was candy. Not my intent, I assure you, and I have had a tough time getting back to the point I began at with them. As odd as it sounds, I have to maintain a relationship with them because I still have a 12 year old son living in their house half the time. I was not the one on shaky moral ground, but...I might just as well have been.

btw, you say you want to get along until all is said and done, what about after that? Please try to get closer to your upset and anger about this. Trust me, he has already done the worst thing he can do to you emotionally. The divorce will not be any worse, regardless. You will still have the anger after the divorce, or reconciliation. If you aren't careful, it will bite you either way.

Its your misery, don't run from it. Its hard to find someone that will let you examine it. People don't like listening to someone else's misery, but...please find someone that will allow you to speak your peace about it. It helps alot. Please don't talk to your kids about it, however. It is too easy to alienate them, even unintentionally. You might think he deserves it, but...he really doesn't. Besides, they will have their own strong opinions about it - allow them that. They will respect you more if they aren't asked to get in the middle. Please also let them judge him for themselves.

You don't make him mad.
He is angered that you would dare to establish boundaries.
It puts a squelcher on his care free, do as he pleases, lifestyle.
He attempts to justify his trespassing by saying that he is actually doing you a favor. Whats YOUR problem? You don't have a problem.

You did good. You established a boundary. Now, enforce it by changing the locks. You are doing this for the safety of you and your kids and even for his own safety. He has no reason to be in the house.

Ditto, BA. Although, I wouldn't have said call me if you are at the house. I would have said hand over the key PDQ and call me if you want permission to visit. (Okay, that's what I would do in my fantasy. In reality, I handled my ex much like you. It took me forever to change the locks.)

And don't buy the bs that he was doing you a favor. He was snooping again, enjoying your airconditioning and who knows what else. I'd be very suspicious that he was checking your caller id. I bet he wants to know if you're dating. What he'll do with the information is interesting.

Oh, and re-read that exchange. It's really kind of funny how childish he acted. Too bad you didn't tell him if he was uncomfortable with his name on the house, he could just sign the deed over to you and walk away. LOL.

WFH-
I am not looking to reconcile with him. I just do not have it in me. I wanted to play nice with him until the D went through, and I got what I wanted, then I was going to go my own way.

He gets so mad if I talk to him about any of MY wants and needs while we go through all of this, and it makes ME mad.

I am getting my self respect back, but I have to play him too right now, so that he WILL not back down with what he agreed to do with the D. Then, once that is done, I can breathe a sigh of relief, and stop treating him like...anything. He will be my kids father, but that is that.

Ba- I see what you are saying. I know that he is justifying HIS behavior. But it still is pathetic to me!

Greengables-
I think what he is doing with the info. from the caller id is this- He WANTS to see that I am moving on, to justify the fact that he has had a R, and he is looking for a new one. He wants to be guilt free in this. Well, he should know by now that he is NOT going to get aways guilt free.

I just cannot wait for this whole thing to be over. Truly over, so I can breathe, and have MY life, my future, begin.

Sadmo, I think you have to make your life, your future, begin right now. Based on your STBX's extreme reaction to asking him to call before going to your empty house, I don't think it will be an easy, pleasant divorce, done in six months. I hope I'm wrong.

Mine fainted dead away face down. Twice. Then went to bed for a week. His fall gave him a black eye. He couldn't eat.

He's doing much better now. 2 years later. Much happier now that he has unfettered access to his "best friend" and soon to return to the marital home when I move into my new apartment.

*sigh*

Well, I told WH today he was going to be served.

He got teary eyed. We talked about how we were going to split some things.

Then I saw a hickey on his neck.

I did not have a good reaction, I hid it from him. But it just made me realize that I am doing the right thing.

I have to be nice to him until the D is final. It is in my best interest. But he is making me ill. The mere site of him.

But, sigh, life goes on. I will admit I had a jealousy attack. Not that he had a hickey. But that he has had now 2 R's since we separated. And I am not even ready to start a new one. It just kind of made me sad. Oh well.

Sadmo, you should sad for HIM. Do you know what those "relationships" were? Misguided attempts to heal from heaven knows what. Even when the marriage is over, rushing into a relationship is a bad idea. Usually, the person you're dating gets hurt because the newly divorced person is trying to fill a void. Sometimes, the newly divorced person gets hurt because they are so vulnerable and needy they have no judgement.

Besides, who in their right mind gives hickeys at our age??? That just gross.

Heh my X showed up at the shop one day with a hickey, shortly after GF moved in with him. He's 42 years old (he was 41 at the time).

I did point it out... with a rather disgusted tone. He smiled, all proud of it.

Gross.

JinGA

This was probably his goal, to make you feel jealous.

To me, a hickey is a brand of sorts. It let's the other gals know that (this guy is taken). For him to display this to you knowingly or otherwise reveals his level of class. Low!

I have other views about hickies. The name itself and the stigma attached to them is not very flattering but I think they can serve a very sensual purpose when shared between a committed couple and not the general populous.

I'm not talkin' silver dollar sized blobs on the nape of the neck but a tiny 'brand' on more private parts of the body can be a very sensuous thing to share with a committed partner.

Sadmo, don't let his teary eyes sway you. He is likely playing you like a fiddle. He has his cake(s) on the side. Don't ice them for him too.