I haven't posted for a long, long time. My exh married his affair person and appears to be happy. I've been dating someone long distance for 3-4 years (actually someone I met here on marriage builders). We see each other every few months.

I love him. He is a wonderful person and father to his kids. There are times, like tonight, that I am down and so tired of the distance and then I feel guilty that I'm so frustrated with the wait. My boyfriend (still seems strange at 42 to say boyfriend) keeps telling me that he is going to move here (he would like custody of his kids/mother is a raging alcoholic). However, I see no real effort to move...and I continue to wait. In all honesty, I am not ready to marry him..I need to see more financial responsisbility on his end and to get to know his kids better first. But the idea of working with a firm plan appeals to me. Something.

I did date someone else for 1 month in January (boyfriend and I broke-up b/c I was tired of the distance). New person was a great guy but it just wasn't the same and my heart wasn't in it.

I work f/t and am raising my kids basically alone..and am struggling financially and looking for a 2nd job or a better job. So, the idea of adding a partner has appeal and need on a number of different levels.

I'm just at a loss. Continue to keep having wonderful, unrealistic weekends for the new few years and see if it really happens or cut my losses and start over?

It's hard because he understands what I went through with my exh..the betrayal, lies, etc. and is very respectful of that. I do trust him.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi can't sleep,

I feel for you.For me I know I won't get into any LDR that is too far.I don't expect all of my potential partners to live just down the street so I am prepared for some kind of travel.But I also know that a big part of how things helped ended my marriage included distance.

I am not going to move at least until the kids are out of high school ( maybe even college) and I want that stability for now so,that means whomever I end up dating will have to understand that.Meeting up every few months though, as you do, wouldn't work for me.That is really stretching it out so I can sympathize with your frustration.

Ultimately only you will be able to say if you should continue w/ the relationship.I do think too though that you should sit down and set a firm timeline when you will try to make things work if he says he is going to move.If he keeps avoiding the issue and never really commits that way then I think you have your answer.

I think he isn't in any position either to move though.It's hard when you have kids.He might just be saying that to you to keep you vested in the R and 3-4 years is a long time to be waiting without any definite plans.Are the kids close to graduating?

i think ldr's have their plusses and minuses.
for me, and my own experience, the plusses for me are that the distance helped us not to move to quickly in our relationhsip, i liked that we talked for over 5 months before we actually met so it was no rushed thing. there have been times we needed some space to figure things out and the distance helped us do that.

the minuses of course are that it costs money to travel, you can't just jump in the car and do a spir of the moment date, and you have to plan out when you will see eachother and it usually is a few months in between visits.

BUT, you have found this man worth while enough to be doing this going on 4 years! i think that plays a big part. i think bf is so worth it from what i have seen of the kind of man he is, values and morals, goals, type of father, etc, all learned and witnessed over the past year and a half, that being patient is worth it to me. i am in no rush to remarry. but i do think at some point you do need to have a set plan. because, of course, as the relationship progresses you want to be able to spend everyday with the person that you love.

are you not able to move? i know you have kids but that does not necessarily make moving impossible. i live in a very small town, few job prospects, etc. i would never expect bf to move here because he has a good job where he is and i would never ask him to leave his child. i told him that in the very beginning. i would move and have no problem doing it. yes, i would have to get permission from the courts to move, but my ex is not exactly father of the year, and the benefits for my children to move far outway them staying here.

you two have invested an awful lot of time in this for me to say to you just cut your losses.

i guess you need to have a serious sit down with him and tell him what you need. he will not know your needs if you don't tell him. then have him say what his are,and see if you two can come up with a compromise that involves some sort of a time line.

i'd definitely think long and hard before throwing 4 years away.

mlhb

hmmm, if you do cut your losses, you aren't throwing away 3-4 years, they are great memories, and you had fun. . . just the situation didn't work out as expected or planned or hoped. Doesn't mean that you can't cut your losses. .

however, you may have agreed to be exclusive, however, maybe you can make an adjustment to the original agreement. .

how about you will maintain the LDR but the exclusivity is gone, meaning that if something better pops up, LDR waited too long to move. . .

that's sounds about right to me. . . I have been on a 6 year LDR and have three more before I can move. . . however, that still depends upon the job situation. . . as i will be teh definate bread winner. . . . and need all the retirement savings that i can save from now on. . .

situations are adjustable. . and if you get tired of waiting, i would expect that he is not the only good one out there. . .

wiftty