What about her friend's H? What's his take?

Do you suspect your W is bi? Sorry, I know that sounds crude.

Btw, don't leave the house. If she insists, let her leave. When the OP has to meet more needs than they want, the A gets rough for them and that's what you want.

L.

I was speaking to my wife today and it was very negative. Long story some what short, she told me that she does not love me, she is not in love with me. She is no longer my wife. She will never be my wife. God can not or will not change her mind. It is over. She is done. I just need to accept that. She has no desire to work it out. She is none of my buisness. She does not need to answer to me. Etc.
What started this is that she took my kids over to her friends today so she could use the friends computer. The friend was not home and we have a perfectly good computer. So I told her that the only reason for her to do that is to hide something from me. Of course she denied that. After she told me all the negative stuff I asked if she was having an affair and she said NO. She said " I told you what happened 7 years ago. That is all. You can classify that as an affair if you want to but there is nothing else." She said her conscience was clean and she is just done and tired of our marriage.
I just don't know what to think. As she walked out the door to leave I told her I loved her and she just shook her head.
I have never known her to be BI in anyway but you are not the first to ask. I do know that she and the friend will wear each others underwear. I don't know if that is normal for women. Seems gross to me.
The husband was one of my better friends and she has them both turned against me.

God will not stop someone from making their own choices (that darn free will).

My XH also was totally unwilling to do anything. What I didn't know at the time is that the A had rekindled and eventually went from an EA to a PA.(OW initially exposed him to his boss-he was a youth pastor at the time and she was one of the youth leaders-20 years younger). His only explanation for everything was that he was "done." He even told me that he "felt like I am doing the right thing" when I asked him about what God was telling him about his choices.

He is now facing the consequences of his done-ness. No OW. No family. Just his house and his job. His choice.

When they are WS's they are strangers. You have to let them make their own choices and let God be the one who calls them back. Your WW is God's prodigal, not yours.

BTW-it's not normal for women to wear each other's underwear. It is gross.

EVERYTHING you wrote was the exact script for my FWW. There is NO REASON for a married woman to have myspace or Message men. She probably has several men pursuing her and feels young and giddy again.

Right now, nothing you do will be OK with her. You disgust her, seem pathetic and clingy. This is how they see us.

All you can do now is:

1. Snoop (The friends husband...do you trust him for info? If not, you need to get on the net...and learn as much as you can.)
2. Let her go in concept. (Act as if you don't need her, but are now happy and cheerful....Live the serenity prayer.)
3. Don't tell her you love her....it's no use right now and makes you seem weaker and more pathetic in her eyes. Be your own person w/o her.
4. Protect your kids.
5. Document her nights out.
6. Realize that you are the primary caregiver. This is powerful.

The biggest scratch of my head is the 13 YO lost son issue. This makes no sense and points to her extreme fog behavior and actions.

I am certain there is an affair. She may have been angry about your other son, but there is more to it than that. If I were you I would buy a recorder at Radio Shack and put it in her car. You may be able to find out what is going on.

If she uses the home phone you can get a recorder that plugs into an unused jack and record both sides of any conversations.

You can get a home test to check for semen on her underwear. Of course, that won't help if she is having a lesbian affair.

If you could afford it, hire a PI to investigate the A item. There are certainly GIANT red flags pointing to that.

Also, I would secure my finances and make preparation for legal separation. Just to protect your kids and finances.

Well today was another day of negative from my wife. She told me that if I did not sit down with her and discuss our divorce, reach an agreement, and fill out the papers with her, that she would get a lawyer. She said she wants to do this peacefully between us.She says a lawyer would get her all the child support and alimony she could want because she was a stay at home mom for 11 years. But that she does not want to go that route because it would only end up hurting the kids and make us hate each other. She did tell me she hopes we could end up friends after everything settles down.
I want to keep my house. I have not left it and do not plan on it. She has told me I will have to give her half of the equity for me to keep it.
I do not know how I am going to afford all this. She still does not have a job but is planning on working at the school when it starts again.
Any advice out there?
Thanks
Pegleg

Pegleg -

Are you seeing the answers to your posts? All the signs are there for an affair. You need to start snooping.

Also, tell her you don't do divorce, only marriage. Don't agree to her terms. Don't move out. Don't discuss this stuff with her.

Find out what is going on in your life.

I have been snooping. She is doing most stuff at her friends. I have told her I don't do divorce and she says if I don't she will go get a lawyer and force it.
I know all the signs are there. I just have no hard evidence. I have nothing to confront her with.
I am usually gone at least 12 hours a day for work with my drive and some days more.
When I get home, I eat and spend a couple hours with my kids. We have Bible study and sometimes go for a walk or what ever. She leaves usually within miutes of me getting home.

Install a keylogger. If she uses the home phone, install a recorder. She is having an affair and you need to find out the details so you can protect your family.

So my wife comes home this morning and asks me if I am ready to sit down and fill out paperwork to start our divorce. She also informs me she may be moving back in with her mother until she can afford a place of her own. Says she will take the kids there.
I am so very frustrated with her. Saturday we had a family event and she was fine while people were around but when they left she changed. We left in seperate cars but she called and started in on me imediately. I had the kids and went to the store that evening(right after we left the gathering) and she was parked in the road when I got out of my car. Wierd!! So she accused me of all kinds of fun stuff but ended up leaving and the kids and I had a great night.
One of my blessings through this is that my kids and I have become so much closer. Doing more things together than ever before. Having Bible study almost every night and visiting friends, family, and going to social gatherings that we never did before.
I still am not sure of what is going to happen but I am thankful for the blessings I have received through this mess. My eyes have been opened to many things but most importantly, I have been witness to Gods love in ways I used to take for granted.
Thanks and love to all.
PL

I may have messed up big time today. I wonder if I used love busters.
My wife was here and I checked her cell phone. I confronted her on having mens phone numbers. She flipped on me saying I violated her space. Her privacy. She told me she was started to trust me but that went out the window.
She also told me she saw a lawyer and now owes $500.00. But she would not tell me the name. She wants to pay them with our money but not tell me who it is.
She does not want me calling any of the phone numbers that are on her phone(my phone by the way) and told me to do the right thing and give her the numbers. I did not. I have not called these numbers but wonder if I should. Advice please.
I also told her of a personal struggle I am having. I should not have confided in her. She promised not to say anything to anyone but I don't know that I can trust her.
I am having such a hard time letting go of her. I do love her. She has been a part of me for almost 12 years.
More later.
PL

Please don't think you can trust her. You can't.

Call the numbers, and see who they belong to. The men may lie, but at least they will know that she is married and has a husband who cares.

Have you tried installing a keylogger yet? You need to get proactive, as your marriage is being destroyed while you stand by watching.

I just wanted to write a little more. I am hurting pretty bad right now. Finding the phone numbers kind of threw me for a tail spin. I did not sleep much last night. She told me she went out with her cousin and met the one guy through her. That he was an old high school friend. I have his number but have not called. Do you think I should? She told me if I did that she would never speak to me again.
She also confessed that she actually hit the truck at the lawyers office.
She keeps telling me that she just wants to get a divorce and wants to work with me through this. That she NEEDS to work with me through this divorce. I emphasize needs because she did.
She also told me she may expand her certification in the "Rieki" energy healing stuff and become a licensed practitioner.
Right now I am feeling scared, desperate, and hurt. And tired.
Back to the guys phone numbers, she says that thay are only friends, that they are men that God has brought into her life that she needs because she never had a dad, brothers, and the one step dad molested her.
She has at so many times paralleled me to her molester. She did again last night. She said when I went through her cell phone, that it was just like being with him because he would do that too.
I am struggling so much in what to do in reguards to her.
Thanks again
In Christ,
PL

First of all read the info about Emotioanl Needs, Plan A, Plan B, etc. that is at this site. Follow the advice given by Orchid and Ark - much wisdom there (which I had found this place sooner and did a better job of following advice)

"I have tried to improve our marriage by reading books by Dr.Phil, Gary Smalley, Dr. Eldrich Emmersom etc. I could never get her to read one or to participate in the improvement techniques at the end of those books."

Sometimes it's not advised to try to get the WS (Wayward Spouse) to try to talk about the relationship or to read anything - that will come later. You should keep reading and applying what you've learned though.

"Her complaints are that I am hard om her. I take on the "dad" role. I tell her she is wrong. I am insecure. I don't trust her."

Even before I read this I had picked up on maybe her playing a rebellious teenager versus a parent figure role with you? If she's getting in contact with BOYS from her younger days maybe she's wanting to revert to that time in her life? Also, sometimes the adulterers view themselves as a team in search of adventure with the betrayed spouse just wanting to spoil their fun.

Sometimes the adultery is because the adulterers lack maturity... sometimes the immaturity is a symptom of the adultery... or even a mixture of the two.

Maybe you should be careful not to sound too authoritative or parental with her? Again - apply what you learn to change your behavior in the marriage instead of trying to teach or tell her anything.

The MOST important thing is for you to be the ROCK the children can cling to!!!! Do NOT let her drag you down into her drama! You've got to be strong man. You CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens you! Keep coming here for info and support in doing the right thing. Kepp learning and keep applying what you learn. Be very careful to not let her bait you into arguments. Get your finances in order and safeguard whatever you can for yourself and the children.

BTW: Why does she have such a problem with your son from before you married her when you've accepted her child from a previous relationship? Just curious. But do NOT ask her about this right now - she will just twist it to pretend it's some sort of rejection of her child. Make sure ALL the children feel loved and wanted throughout this.

"I have his number but have not called. Do you think I should? She told me if I did that she would never speak to me again."

Yes - make the call and also expose what she's doing to any and every one of relevence (church, friends, her family, your family, anyone involved with the other guys) Exposure is an essential part of Plan A. It could prove VERY helpful if you can contact some friends and relatievs of the other guys to expose, ESPECIALLY any wives, girlfriends they have! And I would also let all the guys know that they are just one of the guys she has been collecting phone numbers for.

The waywards threaten the betrayed because they know how effective exposure will be in spoiling their immoral plans!

"She also confessed that she actually hit the truck at the lawyers office."

Do you have any evidence of this? Did anyone else hear her say it?

"Back to the guys phone numbers, she says that thay are only friends, that they are men that God has brought into her life that she needs because she never had a dad, brothers, and the one step dad molested her."

God wants to be her heavenly Father; God does NOT send possible adultery partners into your life to fill the needs that only he can and should meet! A REAL male friend would not be in contact with her behind her husband's back.
She needs to talk to a Christian counselor (preferably not male!) about this. What she's up to very well may lead to a physical relationship. And then what is she going to say about that - that she is having sex with her daddy or brother figure? Anyway, she is NOT a little girl anymore but a parent herself! What matters most now is the young lives being affected by HER.

"She has at so many times paralleled me to her molester."

That's just a twisted way for her to seek some sort of justice or vengence against the molester - to find a scapegoat to blame.

"She did again last night. She said when I went through her cell phone, that it was just like being with him because he would do that too."

Accountability is a key ingredient of successful marriages. She needs to grow up IMHO. If you don't have anything to hide then you wouldn't mind accountability.

It's a common adulterer tactic to try to shift the focus off the inapporpriate thing they are doing to acting offended by your (normal) reaction to it. Don't react to her blabber about you doing anything wrong with finding out she's been contacting OM behind your back! Don't argue with her or try to get her to see your POV. Just keep up the detective work, document whatever you can, EXPOSE/reveal to as many people as possible whatever you find out, and Plan A your butt off. She will say or do anything to try to get you to 'mind your own business' and not tell anybody else what you've found out. Don't even react to her threats - just keep up the good work. The angrier and crazier she acts the calmer you need to respond.

Stay away from her if you have to in order to keep your cool and create a peaceful safe environment for the children. Just walk away when she gets crazy.

Also, saying she wants a divorce is just her way of justifying whatever she's up to plus trying to justify it being none of your business. AFTER the divorce what she does will be her business. Right now she's still a married woman and can/should be expected to behave like one.

Try to shield the children from as much of the lunacy as is possible. Make every effort to keep their lives as steady and normal as before. Try to limit their exposure to her while she is acting so irrationally (not by directly denying her visitation but by just happening to plan a lot of things to do with the kids when she's maybe not around - making sure the kids know they can ALWAYS be around you whenever they want or need to) Keep a regular schedule and take the kids to all their usual activities. Let them be children - protect their childhood as much as you can from all this. Have fun with them. IGNORE as much of her drama as you can. Come here to vent instead of getting into arguments with her or burdening the children with it.

Good luck and keep praying.

"Back to the guys phone numbers, she says that thay are only friends, that they are men that God has brought into her life that she needs because she never had a dad, brothers, and the one step dad molested her."

And IF this were really true then what harm whatsoever would there be in YOU also being in contact with these guys, whose only motive supposedly is to help your wife by being daddy, big-brother mentors?

Possible response to her babble:
Well golly gee honey that sure is great that you've gone out and got yourself some male mentors to fill in for the daddy/big brother you never had. Let's invite them to church with us and to our next family picnic. They should discuss their plans to help you with our pastor and a good Christian counselor too. Praise God what an answer to prayer that these fine young gentlemen would take such an interest in helping you get over your past so you can grow up and be a mature wife and mother! BTW, what education and experience do they have in counseling victims of molestation? You know I think I just might need to get me some caring female companions too. Sometimes my mommy was mean to me (made me do chores - whatever). I wish I had a woman to confide in like a sister...

just kidding LOL

Peg, wow, what a situation you're in, parallels mine a few months ago in a lot of ways. My heart and prayers are with you brother.

My best advice is to hang on and be prepared for a very long and difficult time. I'm a believer too, and can completely relate to you, how your WW is not fellowshipping w/ the Lord, her suspicious behavior, moving out, etc. My story is linked in my sig, though I haven't been posting many updates lately.

I guess I'm still in Plan A w/ my WW. She has since moved back home, and is making some changes in our marriage for the better, so things can improve from you're at now. Be patient, lean on the Lord for strength, and come here for the great advice you're getting.

One verse I recently have been holding near to my soul is Galatians 6:9 "But we should not lose heart in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not faint."

I'll be following your story closely, and share more of my sitch for encouragement.

Right now, today, my head is just a big ball of fog and pain. My mind races and heart aches at the situation.
I understand and even respect the fact that God gives us all "free will", but that does nothing for the pain and anxiety that my mind and heart are going through. I also know that I am just a spec of sand in the sea of people feeling the exact same way.
I do not understand how a person could get to the mental point that she is at. That is what I don't inderstand. In trying to make sense of it I am just hurting myself.
The thought of "remaining strong" for the childrens sake is a burden. I just want to tell them the blatent truth. But I know I can not speak in a negative manner about thier mother. But they have questions. They have pain. It too is real. This is thier life too and a part of thier future. This is a part of who they are now. Who they will become.
My main concern through this is them. Thier innocense. Thier salvation. Thier love. I know this is something that can adversly effect thier relationship with God and others. But by His grace, all will be healed.
There is a long, maybe curvey, road ahead of us. Her included. But with the Lord at the wheel, in the end, all will be ok. It must be. His Word says so.
QUESTION: She has asked me to leave one night a week so she can stay with the kids. Should I????? She has not stayed here but once in the last 7 weeks. The kids miss her. I don't feel I should have to leave my home. But she says she is afraid to be alone with me because she already has one police report against her. ADVICE PLEASE. Thanks

Peg.

While talking to Orchid said I can/should help you, and you could use some support...

I told her to forward my phone # to you. I hope she has...
if so use it, ok after 7pm is best I have unlimited minutes. If she hasn't email me and Ill get you my number and try to lend what support i can...


Jim