I'm having a very hard time forgiving myself for what I have done. I absolutely hate what I have brought into our M. For 3 years now, I have been unable to forgive myself. I've been in therapy and although what she says makes complete sense in my head, my heart will just not move toward forgiveness.

What have you done to help you forgive yourself?

Thank you.

I am not a FWW but I have a FWH. He suffered as you are.
If you do not self forgive it will be a cancer that eats you from within. You will be hard on yourself, feel undeserving and by the transitive property this type of feeling can be transferred to your family, affect your job and your current and future relationships with others.
Jesus died on the cross and gave the ultimate sacrifice to save us from our sins. He sacrificed His Life for us. You are forgiven when you have asked for it from God. You are
pretty aloof if you think you are better than Jesus. And I don't think that is the case at all. If He can die for us, YOU have to practice self forgiveness. When Jesus can forgive us, we HAVE to practice forgiveness. Give it over to God, be sure you have sought forgiveness from your H and family and release yourself from this burden.
Only when My H sought out the grace that is afforded to all believers, was he able to rise above what he had done.
He had a lot of baggage going back 3 decades from this woman, guilt he felt over lies she told him when they were kids, guilt over talking to her and guilt over deceiving me.
For the first time in our marriage, he is truly happy and unencumbered. You can be set free, just look to a higher power.

I managed to find self-forgiveness by applying skills I learned in therapy. I had a history of "all or nothing" and "black and white" thinking. IOW I viewed the world like this: I did a bad thing therefore I am a bad person, it couldn't be any other way. My therapist introduced me to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it changed my life for the better. I learned how to apply it to many areas of my life and see there are a lot of shades of grey between black and white. I learned to accept just because I did a rotten thing it doesn't mean I am a rotten person for the rest of my life.

My whole life I stayed on the line, followed all the rules, did everything with morals and dignity. My mistake didn't erase all of that permanently, just for a little while. I had to accept that at the time of my A I was a rotten person to my H and also to my FOM's W, but it doesn't make me a rotten person for the rest of my life. I am not that person and it doesn't define who I am. Saying the words and truly believing them in my heart were two entirely different things. I now KNOW I am not the person I was while in my A.

For me not being able to forgive myself was because I was holding onto hurt and anger toward myself. I read this on another website and found it very helpful. It actually talks about forgiving someone else, but I found it was also applicable for self-forgiveness.

"A friend once told me that Buddha said that holding onto anger and resentment is like holding onto a hot coal you have picked up. The rational thing to do is to throw it away before it burns your hand. Forgiveness doesn't really have anything to do with the individual who has harmed you. Forgiveness has to do with you. Forgiveness sets you free. When you are focused on the past hurt you are not in the present. You will never experience happiness when you are focused on the past negative experiences. When you are negative, you are not loving to yourself or others. When you are not in the present, you are not living your life fully, and you are not open to receiving the abundance from the Universe that you deserve.

When things come up in the future, you may say to yourself. I am not going to hold onto this any longer. I love myself too much. Then you can forgive yourself and the other person. See if there is a lesson to learn and move on. Remember, you always have choices."

I hope you find self-forgiveness because then you will be able to fully move on.

LC

22, you sound just like my therapist. And that's a good thing, she is wonderful.

I know God has forgiven me. And believe it or not, I do find comfort in that. I just can not forgive myself. I hate what I did. I hate that I brought this into our M. I hate what I have put my H through. I even hate that I continue to punish myself and feel I don't deserve any grace.

I'm going to say that my H has forgiven me, even though he hasn't come right out and said it. His actions toward me say he has forgiven me. He doesn't talk about things bothering him so I don't know how far along he really is. The other night we talked for the first time in a very long time about what I did and he did say that he knew how sorry I was. I hope he doesn't spend as much time as I do agonizing over this. I don't want him to.

Maybe I am having such a hard time forgiving myself because I believe to do so is selfcentered and arrogant. How can I forgive myself for hurting someone else, you know.


LC, how I feel about myself goes along with this. I feel because of what I did, I have lost credibility. I cheated. I am a cheater. Although I'm not cheating now, I did so I am a cheater. It does define me. It doesn't make up the entire definition, but it is part of the definition.

I'm just so disappointed and disgusted with myself.

I hate this.

Has your therapist ever mentioned CBT? If not ask her about it. Learing to change unhealthy thinking patterns is the best gift I have ever given myself.

It taught me that I could accept what I did and not let it define who I was. Ligically I knew this, but I had a hard time accepting it. Now I do accept it. It invloved taking a long hard look at myself in the mirror and changing some very unhealthy patterns.

Now I like who I see in the mirror and like the person I am.

Sure you lost your credibility at the time of the A, but that doesn't mean you have lost it for life.

LC

Ruby I am a FWW as you. And like you I have had and still do to an extent the same problem about forgiving myself. Its a very self defeating attitude and even though I too was getting IC it has taken a long time to accept I can forgive myself.
I also felt I was like a lodestone to my family attracting negative feelings and hurting them again. Everything that happened to hurt us was my fault I thought.

It has taken me a long time to look at my actions and acknowledge that forgiving myself is essential for my H even more than myself.

I have spent some long and agonising times wondering about forgiveness. There are supposed to be two different kinds of forgiveness. The first is a willingness to forgo vengeance, but not to try to repair the relationship.
Giving this type of forgiveness is really just plain good mental health for anyone. Its I think the easiest of the two for many. My priest gave a sermon on this and said
“Ask yourself how much does your hatred/pain hurt your husband/wife and how much does it hurt you? What will your vengeance, if you ever can find it, cost you? Will it ever be enough? Is there anything you can do to keep the hate/hurt from eating you up except to release it?
This type of forgiveness is what allows you to stop letting what someone has done to you to control your life. It does not mean that you have to spare the other the consequences of what they have done. You don't have to like them or even wish them well. The important thing is that you can't forget about them until you have decided to forgive them. “

The other kind of forgiveness, full forgiveness, is much harder. It involves trying to re-establish a relationship, perhaps never as it was, never as it had been, but a new full loving supporting relationship. The thing is though that full forgiveness is only possible if the other party repents and also works to repair what they've done.
When you think on it. It’s all pretty standard MB thinking isn’t it?
This is the type of forgiveness I have been graced with, and that you have been graced with, you see to throw that back into our H's faces would be just as hurtful and disrespectful has the affair!!!
"Forgiveness is a decision not an emotion." Thats a very true statement
"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. It is those who are able to forgive who are best able to rebuild their lives."

Forgiveness from my H, and to my H What does that mean? it means he forgave me for HIS sake. I felt and at times still do feel dirty cheap and mostly worthless, it still happens, just not as often, because of my actions. What I did was unforgivable but my Husband has forgiven me anyway.
It is easier to seek forgiveness than actually forgive yourself. That sounds so confusing but it is how I feel.
Of course he feels anger and hurt and pain at times, who wouldn't. He says he trusts me and yet I am the one who doubts. It suddenly has not disappeared or dissipated in a few months, a year or so. It may not for years. WE have to deal with that - I’m not sure how but we must.
I have received an act of grace, a precious gift which I’m not sure I deserve, but accept and treasure.
Forgiveness is as much about helping you as it is for those you forgive, even if they don’t want it.
You see your H and YOU are the winners.
What’s easier I wonder … forgiving or accepting the forgiveness? All I know is that it has been a hard struggle and I see no end in sight.. but maybe that is a price we pay for having the affair ... I look at it as just another way to make my H happy. To give him what he deserves. to give him his wife back not 'Mrs I'm so sorry".
He wants his wife. your H wants his wife I'm sure too.

God bless and remember its an act of will and an act of grace ... it HELPS your H to accept forgiveness. ... and forgiveness is NOT forgetfulness as I and you all to readily know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Rubydoo, Love keeps no record of wrongs, You are NOT a cheater, you WERE a cheater...Big difference. Your state of mind has left that old persona behind, put her to rest..

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Thank you to all who responded.

In my head, I know what each of you has said is true. My heart has a hard time agreeing.

Some days, like today, it is overwhelming. I have cried off and on today at work. Usually, I can limit it to crying in the car to and from work, hidden behind sunglasses. But today, I haven't been so strong tear-duct wise.

Also, any book suggestions in regards to this?

Rubydoo,

This is surely one thing most FWW have in common, and it is VERY common. Guilt and shame over having an affair (or for any wrongdoing, for that matter) serves a good purpose, but only up to a point! I would worry more about any FWS who was able to forgive themselves TOO quickly! Nevertheless, many of us here have been through what you are going through, and some have taken much longer to get to that point of self-forgiveness than others. But it CAN be done, and IMO it MUST be done for the sake of your marriage and recovery.

You said:


I wondered the same thing, but maybe look at it another way...isn't it self-centered and arrogant to NOT forgive yourself? To continuously focus on how bad you feel? Because as long as you don't forgive yourself, your relationships will suffer. What's done is done...what is important is what is happening RIGHT NOW. If you are still wallowing in the past (and I think guilt beyond what is appropriate is really self-pity), you are not going to be able to be outward-focused. Your husband will not be getting the BEST of you, and isn't that what he deserves? That guilt can and does overshadow everything, and causes you to think mostly about yourself. Sure you feel bad, most of us do. But then so did our spouses. But they set aside their pain and anguish for OUR sakes, as well as their own, so we could move forward.

I hope this helps somewhat. Give yourself some time. Some days will be better than others, and it will feel like an ongoing struggle. Practice letting go of the guilt on a daily basis. When you find yourself feeling paralyzed by the guilt, STOP! and then do something good for your marriage!

Wishing you all the best,

NOW

Rubydoo,

The Bible is the best book on forgiveness that I know of!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now

Ah, Rubydoo........but your heart will soon follow, as long as you keep telling your head what is true! The Bible tells us to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." So that is where transformation starts...it has to go in the top through our heads and trickle down to our hearts. But it DOES happen, even though it seems to take forever. Don't lose heart! (or mind!)


Hugs,

NOW