implemented plan b today letter to ww and om .. ww wrote a note and left it at my home saying ,my no1 need is conversation and now you wont speak or see me ! had 15 txt. all deleted phone is ringing non stop , had said to her father (intermediatry) will talk when agrees to no contact with om.otherwise no no no .. this is so hard she wants to talk so much, is this a normal response to plan b?? help

OK...why did you copy OM? Are you married to him? NO!!! So no reason to tell him jack-diddly-doo-doo!

Yes, this is a normal response to plan B.

She doesn't like the fact that you're taking control of the situation.

What did your plan B letter say? What conditions did it set for her returning to the marriage?

Look, this is perfect! You got a reaction; obviously she wants you to meet this need. Stick to your guns and don't settle unless she exactly meets your PBL conditions.

Next time she leaves a note, just throw it away unread and let her contact you through the channels (FIL) in your PBL, if and only if, she is agreeing to NC, etc...

You want her to hit bottom and feel the pain caused by the A. Not because you are cruel, but because it apparently is the only way she will learn. Plan A didn't work...

Its not intuitive, but the stronger stand you take now, the better chance you have for a good recovery.

- WG

Yup!

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

Some very important things to consider:

Plan B letter: This letter basically states that there is to be no contact whatsoever between you & WS until such a time as conditions YOU state are met (i.e. No Contact with OP, Willingness to work on marriage, marital counseling, etc…). The plan B letter is a “roadmap” to the WS on what YOU need to consider reconciliation

Intermediary: As you’ve already noticed, any contact with the fogged out WS is caustic and ends up withdrawing units from your LB. The simple solution to this is to not have contact.

That is where the intermediary comes in. The intermediary is the person that your WS has to contact to get a message to you. The job of the intermediary is to pass messages directly from WS to you & from you to WS. The intermediary is NOT to interpret the communications in any way and simply pass the message back and forth.

Do NOT accept direct communications from the WS (phone, email, text messages, direct conversation, etc…) as this breaks plan B and allows WS to get his “family” fix.

If WS phones (make sure you have caller ID) or and unrecognized number comes across, let it go to voicemail. If the VM is from WS delete it. If you pick up the phone and WS is on the other end, Hang UP!

If WS emails: Delete it! A better alternative to this is to block his incoming emails. You can do this various ways depending on the email system you use. Let us know if you need help blocking these. Someone on the board will likely know how to block whatever system you are using.

If WS text messages: Delete it!

Direct Conversation: Turn your back and walk to a supportive group and / or leave.

If you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?” If no, hang up / leave.


Make sure that they know that they are not welcome inside your home until the conditions outlined in your letter are met. If the WS comes in anyway, go to another room and shut the door. Again; if you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?”


Finances: It is best to have this set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary.


Family Relations: State your desire that you do not wish to hear any “news” about your WS. Let them know what it going on and what the intent of your plan is. Thank them for their support.


Plan B tends to drive a WS nuts! They can no longer get their “good normal family” fix. They will try very hard to break your plan b and get back to “cake eating”. Do not let this happen! Give the WS a little preview of what it will be like to actually “lose” his family.

Stay Strong!

thanks you people .. the phone is still going non stop ....this is so much harder than plan a .. because we have a 3yr old i will have to see her once a week but i will state as above and walk away..i am stronger now after venting here ,,, thanks.. plan a was for 4 weeks full on ,we are separated she has drink problem but i wasnt strong enough to go straigt to plan b .i am now .she must stop contact with om +attend drink councilling before we discuss our future ..

Turn off the phone. It will stop ringing!


Yes... but it will also bring you some much needed relief.



Just a little plan B correction.


This is just ONE of the sitchs that your intermediary should be helping your with. Your INTERMEDIARY should handle the handover.

he is but cannot do it on a wednesday, no one else to but i will b strong and defiant ..i do realise so strongly now that we have no future until the a is finished.and if the a dosent finish then i have a future as a father thanks again will post again tommorow ...

rang my son to say good morning (i have always done this since we separated).i knew this would be a lb ,ww answered said we need to talk about our son only..help help help i dont want to lb every day or speak to ww.my reply was we will talk when you stop seeing om.anything to do with son goes through father in law.

For now, stop calling in the morning.

You are breaking your own plan B with every call to WW's cell: AND you are giving her control over whether you can speak to your son.

What are the custody arrangements for your son? We'll have to come up with a way to contact your son without going through WW.

And if you would, let us know what was in your plan B letter. It will help us to know what you stated your boundries to be to your WW.

Stay Strong!

we share custody at the moment. i have him wed eve thurs eve sat +sun every other weekend . her father has agreed to hand over from her to me . had non stopphone calls today +txt all deleted +phone on silent has now rung work to tell me child is ill and i need to call urgently . now wants to meet to determine our future what do i say ? help

Call your FIL and find out if there really is an emergency illness that requires your intervention. This is a VERY COMMON PLOY by WS's to test your plan B.

Stay Strong!

Your ONE question to your WW should be: Have you meet or are agreeing to meet the conditions of my Letter?

Stay Strong!

what about meeting to discuss our future , she is very adamant about this, says i need to listen now because i havent for years ....this is via txt ..is this a test ??

should i txt her ..are you agreeing to the conditions of the letter???

Very Likely.

We probably cross posted.

Your ONE question to your WW should be: Have you meet or are agreeing to meet the conditions of my Letter?

Now I have a question for you:
Can you envision a future with your WW if she does not agree to the conditions of your letter?

Have you contacted FIL yet to determine if there is actually any emergency?

I would make that my very first priority.

no there isnt ww mother called her ...she has txt back will discuss letter at six please be there and listen and talk .iknowyou dont like doing that but please do it for all the hurt thi situation has caused and the amazing hurt i have been feeling for four years ...help do i go or keep repeating the mantra

If she says she wants to discuss your Plan B letter, then go.

BUT! Do not back down or renegotiate the conditions of your letter. If you do, she will know you are a pushover and will continue to do this.

Plan B conditions are NON-NEGOTIABLE, but she will try to negotiate them. All waywards do ~ if not up front, then somewhere down the line.

Be on alert!

Owl, copying the OM is what Dr. Harley recommends in SAA.

ok i will go and will not back down from no contact ,,, thank you so much will post later,,