Well, I don't know what your feelings are on the subject, but I would say that moving shouldn't be out of the question.

Sometimes, that "fresh start" can be a HUGE help. I'd tell her that you would seriously consider (assuming you can) moving as part of reconciling your marriage. Make it clear that you'd be ok with it. Now, if she's looking to move CLOSER to an OM or something...that's a whole different story. Starting over someplace else is great...if its done right.

As far as her "hating that you're into counseling"...tell her that you're very sorry she feels that way, but its something that you NEED...and if your marriage is truly going to recover from her affairs...it NEEDS it. Its not something that you're willing to 'give up' to get her back. Because you know that if you do give it up to get her back, your marriage, YOU...won't truly recover. Nothing will be fixed, nothing will be healed...and there's no hope for recovery in that situation.

my feeling is ,great would love to ! but thats just a commitment to move ,ive seen no commitment to adresss problems in the marriage from her ... thats a big worry to me !!

Then tell her that.

Tell her that you're willing to move...but you need some feedback from her that she'll do HER part of recovery and fixing things too...before you're willing to commit yourself on that move.

i did , response was :im not going to councilling,i hate that you are so into it .

my response : i find it really helps me ,you may to !

she really gives me the impression she just wants to bury it and move on . ive told her i cant do that .. still not sure of no contact though ,i am really not sure she is in recovery,she still seems on the fence; until i can be assured of no contact im backing off from this,,

OK...see what I said earlier about the counseling.

Tell her that you NEED it in order to help deal with what all has happened. Tell her that the two of you botched your marriage trying to do it on your own...that the only chance you've got to make a go of it is to get some PROFESSIONAL help in working through things.

Tell her point blank that you CAN'T just ignore what she's done...that it will have to be addressed, understood why she did it, and your marriage FIXED so that it doesn't happen again. Tell her that you know that its not going to be easy for her, but its not to "get back at her" or to hurt her. Its to HELP the both of you. And that you've got to understand YOUR part in things...what you've done wrong, and how to fix them. And if you were to consider reconciliation, she's GOT to understand that it's a requirement. PERIOD. She can hate it, but she's got to see this as a BOUNDARY before you'll consider taking her back.

See what I mean?

My wife HATED the idea of it too. Because she knew she'd have to FACE what she'd done. She resented it, she fought it, etc...

But now, she's SOOOO glad we did it. She knows that we HAD to do it.

Tell your wife that you love her, and want her in your life. But she's got to understand that in order for that to work, this is what is going to have to happen. She's got to realize that its going to take WORK for both of you to fix your marriage given where its right now.

you have just hit the nail !!! she dosent want to face what she has done ... i can understand that ,your points and guidance are great .thank you .please chime in from time to time .orchid has been there for me so many times ,

ok been snooping for 2 weeks now ,
pretty sure no physical contact but suspect txt or phone (as were separated v hard to tell ).still not open with phone .been out quite a lot with boy and on our own lots of phone chats ,no relationship talk.
still getting :need time to ajust,etc comments .
guess still plan A and start to enforce boundaries .SHES definatley trying ,lots of small differences,wants to do lots of things etc .... comments -advice thanks

ok owl orchid +all you other fab people need som insight ,

what are the signs of moving to recovery , my sitch is slightly different because A ww has drink prob
B ww will not return to home (see various posts)

have maintained all boundaries and ww has agreed to them ,not accepting drinking + counsilling.not running away to start fresh . mc ,openness with phone etc .. 99.9 % sure no contact ... what next????

Any addiction...to include alchohol...will skew the effects of plan A and B.

If she's seriously got an issue with drinking, you need to get her treated for that as a top priority. Any attempt at marital recovery will be limited with that 800lb gorilla in the living room. Get her to Alanon or something similar...ASAP.

Ok...she's verbally agreed to your requirements for reconciliation...she needs to DO those things now. Words are meaningless...she needs to SHOW you she means it by DOING those things.

Is she attending counseling with you? How is she proving the openness to you? Especially since she's not coming home...

YOU need to come up with ways that you can SEE that she's doing the right things. Right now, she needs to prove that she's willing to fix the issues and step up to the work of rebuilding your marriage. There should be some discussion of her coming home eventually...but I wouldn't do ANYTHING to support her or her affair setting. Don't give her any money, etc...until she moves back in with you.

FOr now...plan A remains. Date her. Show her why YOU are the right choice. Meet her EN's. Verify that NC is in place. Hold her accountable for meeting your recovery boundaries.

she will attend ic for alcohol +mc for us .you are so right addictions do skew plan A but it still had a great effect(i was told to go straight to B )i wasnt strong enough . ihear what you say ,actions not words .. still in plan A we talk (not relationship ) see each, other days out etc .

my boundaries are rock solid , i will not negotiate ,i think that has earnt me quite some respect .. thanks owl

ok a couple of questions ,assuming no contact for 3 weeks ...have seen no witdrawl , not sure what am meant to see ?.have spent a lot of time together -not alone ,with kids etc . i still seem to get a lot of i love you,s the odd kiss etc ,but also a lot of plans to do things that never happen ,days out stay over etc .. i am unsure whether this is normal or just the start of recovery or the fact that they may be txting still (i dont know ) ..help its so confusing !!!!!!