He says he had No Sex with OW and I'd like your opinion on the story my husband has told me.

He has waffled back and fourth told me he never had sex, never even kissed her, he even told our MC this. For a very long time he denied this. Then the other day he admitted to kissing her once. But let me give you a background on the OW and also while the affair was going on.

First her parents arranged a marriage for her (She's from India) to marry another Indian dude here in the states. Well my husband told me they never consimated the marriage at all. She is a virgin. I guess they were married about one year and she divorced him. My husband told me she fled from Detroit to GA because he was abusive and into porn, and she suspected he was having an affair with an american girl. Also, her FIL locked her in a room and made her watch porn and tried to rape her. It is shocking and I don't blame her for running from that abuse. So I asked my husband if she knew about your porn issues and he said it doesn't bother her. Yeah right, I'm thinking. During their affair my husband was taking Viagra. He has come home with his underwear inside out. WH told me he was working out and that is why his underwear was inside out.
He claims his OW is still a virgin.

He will not take a lie detector test.

I say he is lying. He protects himself and her. I'm left having to protect myself from them both.

I need my WH to give me the truth so I can put the puzzle together and heal. It really is sad that these WS's gaslight you when your gut knows!

cfsbeer:

Do you know about "Joseph's Letter" It speaks to the BS need for info. Print it off, change the names and hand it to your WH.



Pep posted this once as well:

I read this on another site and I've been given permission to use it here. It is how a BS got the truth from her WH.

She (and he) wanted to recover but she felt she wasn't getting the "whole" story. He didn't understand WHY she needed it so bady. So she did this.

"I tell him this:

"Imagine a police officer holding a briefcase rings your doorbell and tells you "BS" is dead.

You ask: "What? How?"

The police officer says: "It doesn't matter. All you need to know is she is dead".

You say: "But when? Where? Who caused it? Did she suffer?"

The police officer says: "Sir, I have all that information right here in my briefcase. But you don't need to know any of it. It may hurt you. You may cry. It will be painful. You will get angry. All you need to know is BS is gone."

Her WH told her all the remaining information.


Also, your WH has to feel safe with you to discuss it.

Can you do that?

LG

Out of curiosity and for my own use, I searched for Joseph's letter. Here it is.

My FWH told me over and over throughout the A that he had not slept with her. Until finally one day I asked him AGAIN, and found out that he had, LOTS, and had been from the very beginning of the A.

cfs,

Well, your WH is lying, but then OW has probably embellished her poor pitiful story to gain his sympathy as well. Virgin my a$$.


There is your answer.



Who

I need his truth to set me free to heal.

He has read this post and Joseph's Letter twice and still will not be truthfull. In
April he went NC infront of me.

I'm so tired.

I need my WH to understand my pain. The affair is abusive in itself, but his anger and words detroyed my insides and I need him to acknowledge my pain.

I need him to figure out his WHY's and pluck the log out of his eye.

CFS:

Your WH will never understand your pain.

He did what he did, knowing full well he was going to hurt you.

He continues to do this by not explaining what happened.

But that doesn't matter to him.

But we can not change him here.

We can help you change and grow stronger and become a better wife.

He does need to figure out his whys.

You can't do that. Only he can.

CF:

Have you read the Basic Concepts?
Have you learned about the ten most imprtant emotional needs?
What are Yours?
What do you think are your WH's?

Please purchase Surviving an Affair (SAA) and His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website. The books are inexpensive and the shipping is cheap.

Much of the info from the books are available on this website, but the books bring it all together.

It is a positive that your WH is reading here.

The more he learns, the better he will be. ANd the more he will understand that he needs to tell you everything you need to know.

Mr. CF: Read this: LG's D-Day

Your will learn that revealing everything, will cause alot of pain, but once you reveal it, the healing can start.

LG

LG is right, he can't understand, or feel, or even imagine the depth of the pain that a BS experiences.

While truly remorseful Waywards can feel pain because of the pain they see in the eyes of their BS, it is not in any way the same as the pain of betrayed.

The BS has the added irony of not having any control over the actions of the WS. WS decided that they would be unfaithful, in most cases knowing that they would hurt their spouse, and they did it anyway. The BS was not consulted, not given the option of simply walking away from the marriage.

They are lied to, snuck around on, made to feel like they are going crazy or are paranoid for their suspicions and more.

I got stuck in recovery too because I wanted my FWH to understand the pain he caused, but I had to accept that he can't, ever.

(((((cfsbeer )))))) Sorry, it's just a tough fact when it comes to infidelity.

Who

cfsbeer,

Have you exposed to OW's family?

Now, there are many cultural issues at play here, but if your WH were to think you might do this, you might get the truth from him. Generally, exposure is done without warning the affair partners. In this case, it might help you to get the truth from your husband if he were to think you were going to expose.

I'm just brainstorming here. Any ideas, anyone?

SB

My husband tells me he can't remember things about the affair. The details I need are not about conversations so much, but events. A timeline. So I can process all the inconsistancy. Am I making sense. Do WS really not remember important details?

LG and Who thanks so much for respnding. My husband will be reading this later.

SB
I have exposed the affair to their work (he does not work at that hospital anymore but that did not stop contact either), family, and friends. Which he blames me for. I only did this because he kept lying and getting caught. Why else would anyone want anyone to know about an affair. It's humilating to have to expose this. Our lives are forever changed.

Her family live in India, but if I could find them I would and expose. I guess I could try to contact her sister in England. But her neighbors know. Her neighbors were wonderful to me and very compassionate, one neighbor even cried with me. I know at her (OW) work people talk about her. People were shocked because she claimed to be a Christian with morals. I guess her morals don't include fidelity, nor my husbands. They didn't care who they were hurting.

My husband has brought my daughter around her when she will about 2.5 years old. He minimizes bringing our daughter around the OW. Infact he has minimized most everything he has done, period. I've heard him tell me many times, "to get over it". It is only now that I'm starting to see real remorse as for before when I thought he had remorse it was false. False reconciliation it's called I guess. It's my choice to stay or divorce, just like it was his choice to have affair, lie, and decieve me and the kids. We are in MC (Christian Counselor) he wants me to forgive and not have my husband tell me details. To not answer any of my questions. I so broken I can't process anything.

cfsbeer,

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Things can get a lot better from where you are at right now, and they most assuredly will.

About you wanting to know the details…

You have a right to know what you need to know. Be careful that you ask only about the things that you really want the answers to; as once the cat is let out of the bag there is no putting him back in there.

It is completely normal for any BS to want to know exactly what the timeline is and how much of their M was contaminated by the A.

This is one of the things that is going to help you to find peace with yourself later on and finally feel like you weren’t going crazy while your H was shamming you.

You have a right to know the truth.

I am addressing this to Mr. cfsbeer.

Sir,

If you actually do remember the details that Mrs. cfsbeer is requesting. You must answer her questions honestly and completely.

Continuing to lie and avoiding divulging details, even if you are doing so because you don't want to hurt her more, will magnify the existing problem and create additional trust issues.

I know this from personal experience. My FWH continued to lie to me about time tables and details, and in some instances, I found out the truth anyway. The end result is that now, 3 years and 8 months after d-day, I still question nearly everything he tells me. I look at him and wonder, well I couldn't tell if he was lying then, how can I know now.

Being less than truthful now will only make recovery more illusive. Mrs. cfsbeer will end up creating her own version of things if left in a vacuum and her version may be far worse than the truth. But it will become, over time, what she believes and there is a point after which she won't even believe the truth when and if she does hear it.

Who

I think that one needs to know what they are forgiving in order to really forgive and move on.

BTW, our Christian MC told me the same thing and perhaps that is why now, after all this time, we are only beginning to truly begin to recover.

Who

So he just left.

He told me he does not agree with everything said on here.

He just left a phone message saying he saw something on the church billboard that reads, "If God can forgive than it can be forgotten.".

I know God forgives, but I don't know everything that I'm forgiving for. Other than he had an affair.

CFB:

He Said:

"He told me he does not agree with everything said on here."

What does he agree with with?

Start with that.

LG

LG,

He does not agree with schoolbus which comfirms to him why he does not like these type of boads.

Thanks

He thinks telling people adds fuel to the fire

He said he likes you LG.

But I don't think he will read anymore. I lost everything I love, my husband, and my family.

My pain is so raw.