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Joined: Apr 2006
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Well, court is coming up in 3 weeks and we are finalizing the D papers. I am glad it's almost over. I broke Plan B last Thursday to discuss a problem I was having with my DD and things got really ugly. He is so not the person I knew. I just want to be rid of him and move on.

Dilemma is:

WH wants the kids for overnights. I don't want my kids around the OW. I have orders now to keep them away from her and WH has, but once we are D'd, those orders are gone.

My lawyer said in our state there is no judge that will order no overnights unless WH poses harm to the kids etc. My lawyer said after the D it is WH's business who he has at his home and if the kids are there, oh well. That's how the court looks at it.

I think that is so unfair that my kids have to be exposed to this wh$re.

Lawyer said not much I can do. Unfortunatley courts don't care inmy state if WS's commit adultery. Unless OW is an axe murderer, I can't keep the kids away from her on overnights after the D.

I did hear that in some states you can put in the D decree that no overnights unless related by M. Is that true?

Any advice would really be appreciated. I have to hand in the final papers to my lawyer ASAP.

Cat

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it is in my bf's divorce, i even read it with my own eyes.

"no overnight guests of the opposite sex in the home when child is present"

he is in georgia.

mlhb

don't know if that goes state by state. they both agreed to have that in there. you can put whatever you want into a divorce if you both agree to sign it. i am sure your wh would never sign that. i don't know if he wouldn't sign it if there is any legal grounds to have it in there.

i live in ny. my ex has been having overnights for going on a year now and he lives with ow and they are NOT married.

it sucks but there is NOTHING i can do about it.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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I know WH would never sign it. We've been going back and forth on this for a long time.

OW is on his lease. She really isn't considered an overnight guest. He agreed to not having kids around OW in the beginning, because he never admitted it was an OW, just roomies. Now that D will be over, he doesn't care what people think, and really I guess doesn't care much for his kids and the impact it will have on them.

Yeah it sucks that the courts allow this. No wonder kids now a days are so messed up. Look at the role models they have!!

I don't want to say where I live in case WH reads here, but I am close to you in the US.

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I am not much help - I have heard of people getting this sort of arrangement in writing, but I am not sure what states allow it, and which states don't. I think my best advice would be to tell your lawyer "Look, I want to have a statement in the final decree that says no overnight guests, now you figure out how to do it". If it can be done,I would imagine your lawyer would find a way.

Of course the reality is that once the D is final, your WH is free to marry this OW and then they would be related, and the children would then be "able" to spend the night.

I will just offer my two cents worth. First, your WH is making a big deal about wanting the kids to spend the night right now, but wait until they have actually done it a couple of times. It is a real romance killer to have kids running around the house, asking if they can call Mommy, spilling drinks on the floor, leaving a mess everywhere they go, etc. This is not the cosy love nest that most WS's are looking for. In most cases, the kids spend a couple of weekends with the WS, and then Dad will start to find excuses to not have them over quite so much.

second, I think the best thing you can do for your kids is love on them, raise them the best you can, be ready to answer their questions, make the most of your time with them, and frankly, don't worry too much about their exposure to OW. The WS pulls that crap every time - they are in a huge hurry to introduce the kids to their A partner. Somehow, that will make the A into a "normal" R. But it never works out that way. the reality is that kids do not like being bounced back and forth, and they do not like watching some OW prance into their dads lives, and making mom cry.

You will have a couple more months of he11. But this time will pass.

Of course, if OW could pose a serious physical threat to your children, then fight with everything you have.


Married 18 years
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Divorced December 17, 2003

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Sure, you can get in the divorce agreement if your WH will agree to it. Doesn't seem likely, though.

My state is the same way. Judges won't "interfere in personal lives." I think it's another unfortunate reality of divorce.

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My luck, if I do put that in the D decree, he'll just marry OW so the kids could spend the night!!

WOF5,
I have heard that about the overnights. That in the beginning they are all gung ho, but after awhile it gets old. I heard OW will have a hard time having kids so maybe she wants mine?

Sdguy
It is ashame that the courts care so little about these kids. Makes me sick!

Yeah, I guess I have to accept the fact that WH is going to win, and introduce the kids to her. He actually did already, last year, "as a a friend". This was before I knew anything about the A, so the kids know what she looks like.

My DD who is a teen, does not want to be around her at all! She has made that clear to WH. He thinks DD should give OW a chance...bleh!

DS is younger, 10, but he knows the situation. He is not agressive and will just go with the flow and meet OW, go to overnights etc. even it it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't say much.

I guess I just don't want my kids, especially my DS, as he to ever be in OW's company. I look at her as part of the reason our family broke up.

Guess I fear the kids liking her more than me etc. etc. Sick I know, but I don't want to have competition and have them come home and say OW and them went to the mall, or went on vacation together, went here and there. Insecure I know.

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Your feelings are all very natural. I would think you were weird if you did not feel this way. But your kids are NEVER going to like her more than you. You are mom. That is special. You have feelings for them that no one could ever re-create. when they throw up on your new carpet, you feel sympathy for them. you do not get angry. No one else int he world can fell that way towards them. if one of them murdered soemone, you would still back them up, look for excuses for them, love them. no one else will ever have that same feelings towards them.


This OW will likely try to win them over with gifts at first. try to grin and bare it. it won't last for long. your teenager will see right though her.

Eventually, your WH will expect her to clean up after the kids, cook for them, and do the things he always watched you do. but she will never do it the same. and that is when the reality train will run rigth over the top of him.

poor ba$[censored]. he doesn't even know how much heart ache is heading his way. Very soon this situation will turn around, and YOU will be happier, while you watch him slide further into the pit.


Married 18 years
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Oh WOF5,

How I pray that what you say is true. That the situation will turn around. I am a faithful person, but lately have actually lost fsith. I don't go to church anymore, pray, sort of. It just seems like why bother? I've been on my knees for a year now and things just aren't getting better. I prayed for his A to end and him to come back to us. Never happened.

It loooks like he is planning a life with OW, who is 17 younger than him. I think he is so happy with her that nothing will ever happen to change that.

I want so much for bad to happen to them. That is so unlike me, but I want him to feel the agony and pain I have had to endure for so long.

They say what goes around comes around. I doubt in this case.

Sorry I'm so pitiful. I'm having a really bad day.

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If your daughter is a teenager, she should have a say.
Ask your attorney about that.
In my state age 13 kids get to have input into custody arrangements.

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catgirl, i understand your feelings.

first off, don't lose faith! gosh no! you cannot see the big picture. don't stop praying. god's answers in HIS timing not ours. i have seen it over and over and over again in our lives. your marriage not being restored, god has a better plan for you! your children deserve better than a father who is a cheater.

secondly,
your feelings are normal. yes, ow will try to to buy them, that is classic. ow has dropped $$$ on my kids out of guilt and so they would like her. eventually,that gets old, or the kids will just expect that of her ALL THE TIME. and when the gifts end, than what? because they do end.

my children love me and know completely that i have been their constant in life. their father has come and gone, been away a lot, etc.. i was thier constant. i don't fear ow taking that away from me ever.

my dd cries every time, every week, still, over a year later, that she has to go for overnights. i have got think that when ow sees that, somewhere deep within her being, she has got feel something. that part of my dd's pain is her fault. that my dd would rather be with me where she feels safe and secure.

you cannot control things, and i know that is hard hear.
ow will be around your kids when divorce is done.
that does not mean you give up or curl up in a ball and die.
you stand up head held high and you love your kids and raise them right and KEEP THEM IN CHURCH!
we are here for you.
we have been thru this.

hugs
mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Thanks everyone...

My lawyer did say to me that I cannot force my DD to go with WH, but DS has to go if WH wants visitaion with him.

So unfair that these kids get shuffled around with no say, going places they don't want to go. Very sad and I think that is what is killing me right now. That I have no control over that. The courts are telling my 10 year old he HAS to go with his Dad, even when he might not want to. So unfair.

I know I cannot control WH bringing the kids to OW. That is one of my biggest fears though. Not really that she has my WH now, but that my kids have to be subjected to her and especially my DS. I know he will want to be polite even though he's confused and probably doesn't want to be polite, but will be for his Dad's sake. My kids have to have this put upon them, by no fault of their own.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want my kids to have to go through all of this [email]cr@p[/email] all because of the [email]cr@p[/email] that WH did. He has turned our lives upside down and now he wants to justify it all by being with the OW and his kids.

I want to protect my kids. They shouldn't have to go through such stuff. They didn't ask for any of this to happen, yet they have no choice. That is what is absolutely killing me right now. THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!

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i know you want to protect your children. we all do.
BUT, the best thing you can do is to teach your children how to deal with all of this. maybe with counseling, or whatever form you choose.

it is a hard lesson learned but life is going to throw crap your kids way their whole lives. you know that, i know that. it has been thrown our ways. you will teach them how to deal when life is hard and when life throws curve balls. the lessons they learn now in how to deal they will carry with them to adulthood.

this sitch has helped me to get my son to open up and talk when he needs to, and they both know that when they are emotionally overloaded it is OK to talk to a professional.

you can teach them how to get through this in a healthy way. no, they didn't ask for this, but it is what it is. and it is done already. now, you all have to move on.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Well, lawyer put in the papers that I will not allow overnights with anyone present that is not family or by marriage. Lawyer said WH will probably not agree and it really can't be forced in court. Lawyer sent it to WH to review.

My luck, WH will marry OW to spite me, and just to get overnights!!!


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