Hi, I posted in the emotional need section and it was suggested I post here. Below is an account of what my sitch is.

I have been married for 10 years. We married and had our first child when we were 20 y.o.Our second child only 2 years ago. She expains that period as the best time in our marriage. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage, but 5 weeks ago my wife told me she doesn't feel in love anymore. She also told me that while she has been out of the state training for her work, she had met someone. She explained nothing physcial happened but had felt something for him and had been calling him heaps while back at home. I exposed the phone calls. She had told me she had met someone she felt inspired by and felt a connection with but she didn't say anything about the phone calls which had been occuring for 4 weeks, until I noticed it on her phone bill and questioned her about it. She then confessed about it. We decided to go to counciling and in the first session she told me she found the counciling of a way of closer on the relationship. I can't believe it. I thought things were going along great. I am recalling phone calls and emails which she had sent me only a couple of months ago, telling me she loved me heaps, missed me when we were away from each other etc. We have continued to go to couciling and she mentioned last week that she had seen progress but didn't feel optimistic. She has also not contacted this person again. I guess my question is, she is so cold at the moment and said to me she can't stand my touch, she has moments were she won't talk to me. There are good moments though where we seem to get along well like nothing has happened. Like a rollercoaster... How do I get her to overcome being so cold towards me and even get to enjoy my touch again. Intimacy has always been an issue for us. She even admits it, that we get along in every other part of our lives but the intimacy side. She said she sees me as a teenager, not a man on the intimicy side of things. I don't know if her expectations are too high. I can't change her percepition of this if she won't let me hug her or hold her. She is the love of my life. I am so lost, and I don't know what to do. Do I pretend like everything is good and keep giving her my affections and accept getting nothing back? Do I withdraw and let her come to me? I can't stand the coldness, no touching, hugging, some days no reply to emails etc. She said I have been insecure and have lacked self confidence in the past, which she says this OM has. Even though she has promised me she is not contacting him, and I believe her, I think she wants me to be what she sees in this OM. How the ****** can I feel secure and confident when the rug has been pulled out from under me. It has come out in our counciling that she has extremely high expectations of herself and others. Maybe this is why she feels so lost, maybe I can't meet her expectations. She said she has felt lost in our marriage for a while but didn't have the courage to do anything about it. I wish she had said something early. I don't want it to be too late. The hardest thing is her emotional withdrawal from me. It is really hard to take some of the things she is saying, or not saying. I want it to be back the way it was... I still can't believe this is happening to us..Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated.

Regards

Ray
(Australia)

Ray, I am very sorry you are here, but you are in the right place and will receive plenty of support. First off, your wife sounds like she is in a pretty typical withdrawal. It is typical for a wayward to rewrite the history of the marriage. That all changes once the addiction of the affair wears off and reality sets back in.

It would be a huge help if you would read everything you can on this website to bring yourself up to speed. I would suggest starting with this thread on withdrawal and then going to Dr. Harleys articles on infidelity. You can also access his radio show every day on the link above.

Here are the links I think would give you a good start:

Dr. Harley video: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3261867

Unfaithful wife: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033e_qa.html

How to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

I'm going through something similar to you, Ray. This is sooo hard to deal with. You want to shower her with love and affection and get little-to-nothing in return. I've been busting my [censored] around the house, taking care of our two boys (age 18mnths and 5 1/2 yrs) and working nights. I feel so used and abused right now.

Hang in there mate. You have to be strong right now. Maybe your show of fortitude and strength in this trying time will show her that you are a man and are up to the task.

I am in no position to give you advice as there are many here with so much to share. I'm just a hurt puppy going through something similar and wanted to reach out and pat you and the back.

On a side note (everyone needs a chuckle) Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


~ Gruffles

Ray,

It's kinda late here in the US so it may be slow awhile this evening but some should be around.

Welcome to MB. So sorry to see you here.

Your wife MAY be done with the affair and in withdrawal but more likely than not...she's lying and still in contact. Keep posing here on GQII but for now...while waiting for responses...go read the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the Infidelity - Just Found Out board. Read the entire thread AND don't miss the Link to the Spying 101 thread found in Longhorn's signature line. You MUST secretly inspect what you inspect of your wife by snooping on her. If she is no longer in contact with OM she should come around slowly, however, you CAN'T take her word for it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

I don't want to hijack this thread with my own problems. But it looks like Ray and I are in similar sitch's so I don't think he'll mind me asking this for both of us here:

Are we being too affectionate? Should we back off some? I can tell Ray and I are both trying to shower our WS with love and affection. Is this detrimental at this point? Or is it just a matter of 'don't expect much in return for a while' while she finishes with withdrawl?

TYIA

It's so surreal. I was reading your post earlier Gruffles before I posted and I though to my self, your situation is so simualar. It sort of gives you stength in a funny sort of way to know some else feels and understands exactly how I feel. As for the affection thing, It's a great question. I want to give her so much affection and love, but I don't know if it's actually making her more closed. I download a ebook called "Mastery Guide to Saving Your Marriage & Stopping Your Divorce". It says in there about living life like it's normal, and in a way withdraw to a degree as well. As soon as you withdraw your partner is meant to see what she is missing on, so to speak. Like reverse psychology. I don't know if this is good advise or not. I don't want to smother her. I just miss the way it was. I still can't get my head around it. It's not even a week by week thing. It can be hour by hour. I hate those awakard silences. We are meant to have 1/2 hr a night to ask each other questions about how we felt during the day and how we think we are going.. IE taking steps forward. This is what the counciler suggested. It seem to make it worse though. The less we talk about our situation, the better we both feel, because it seems like life has more normality to it...well to a degree anyway...except for the coldness and withdrawal. I pray that she has ceased contact and is on the way to being out of withdrawal. I tried snooping and got caught out going through her purse. Something which I have always found the need to do, even though she has never had an affair before. She was pissed.. Trust has always been a bit of an issue for us. She said to me when she caught me going through her purse, "how can we build trust when you are going through my stuff" I guess it's my insecurities again. I think I believe her that theres no contact but I want to ask her. I feel if her ask her, it just shows my insecurities and shows I have no trust for her at all. Some days I get really angry. Not at her, but saying to my self, how could she do this to me, to the kids. Somedays I wonder what would happen if I just walked out. Somedays I just want to shake her out of this nightmare."What are you doing. Look what your got to lose here". She said to me the other day, maybe she won't relaise what she lost until it's too late. Of all my emotions, I know I'm in for the fight of my life, and I'm sticking around for it!! There is too much to lose. I want to spent the rest of my life with this person. I still have so many things I want to accomplish with her...travel, grandkids etc. I even find myself walking around trying to picture myself with someone else. I just can't do it. I want her, and it's so frustrating... I have a great relationship with her parents which is also helping. She is close to her dad and she wants to talk to him about what she feels etc. I got to him first and told him my side and he is giving me tips on what he thinks his daughter might be feeling, or thinking. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing, but I know that he will tell me things that she tells him.

OK...one favor to ask.

Could you please break this down into paragraphs? I for one have a lot of trouble following something that's all run together. You'll likely get more responses from people because they'll be better able to make sense of your story.

Have you read the material on the main MB site? About the love bank, emotional needs, how affairs work, plan A, plan B, etc...?

If not, that's the best place to start. I'd even suggest getting the books if you can...they'll help you tremendously.

Once you've got the main ideas for recovery (plan A, plan B, etc...), you'll have a good idea on where to start. And the people here in the forums can help you a lot in figuring out how to actually apply those plans.

As far as your wife's anger at your "snooping". Be honest with her. Tell her the truth...the truth is, you DON'T trust her right now. She violated that trust by starting a relationship with this guy and carrying it on behind your back. This was one of the biggest betrayals she could have ever done to you. She showed you that you CAN'T trust her.

But, she CAN recover that trust. She can build it back up. By demonstrating to you that she's NOW being trustworthy. That means she's got to SHOW you that. She's got to invite you to snoop. She's got to prove to you that way that she's not hiding anything anymore. It's that simple. It's not easy, but it is simple.

Read up on plan A. Read about what we call the "carrot and stick"...there's a great thread around here that talks about it, but basically its twofold. First off, you start meeting her emotional needs. You work on becoming the kind of person she wants to be married to. The person that attracted her enough to marry in the first place. The second part is the stick...you continue to fight to end her contact with OM completely. Again, read up on it and post questions here. It's the best way to start this.