Hi everyone,
I've been battling with my wifes gambling for several years
now and I made the decision on june 19th to seperate for a while after she told me she would not stop as long as we were together. In the past when ever we would have a big arguement over her gambling she would kick me out of the house and tell me I was the reason for her gambling, within a week we would be back together because I would say I'm sorry and beleive that I was the cause. This time about a week later she became verrry angry with me and now wants a divorce and yes she is still gambling.

The last six months had been getting worse with her gambling as she would spend her whole paycheck in 2 or 3 nights at the casino knowing that we needed the money to pay bills that were severely late on. She even lost her job of 7 years and that didn't stop her from gambling away the income I was making to feed our 4 children and try to pay bills. Even after getting a new job , I have seen very little if any of her income to pay bills. She says shes tired of my nagging her about our finances and says our marriage has been over for a while. This really hurts because she has told me in the past to do what I had to do stop her from gambling and that she wouldn't leave me.

I LOVE my wife and kids very much but I feel like I'm trying to stop the inevitable. I've always beleived that she would one day get help and that all we've been through would be worth it to save our relationship. Sadly, divorce is all she wants and is probably the best for the both of us as I've played the enabler for to long.

Thanks for reading my story.

Has anyone else had to deal with a divorce brought on by gambling?

I don't recall gambling here, but I do believe that marriages that have abuse are difficult to save, be it physical, emotional, alcohol or gambling abuse.

Please take the time to get to a Gambler's Anonymous group for your and your children. This has affected your entire family and torn it apart. Just like Alanon, there are groups for families of Gamblers.

Dave,

Have you been to Alanon? Or the equivalent for a spouse married to a gambling addict?

Have you tried MC, read books on addiction, joined GA or gone to meetings?

Okay...I just read Newly's advising same thing. Alanon works...I can attest to that for myself.

Thing about addiction and marriage...takes two to do the dance. Are you enforcing your final boundary with divorce (I read separation...which you said you've done (left) a few times before, is that correct?)?

I ask because going to the 10th or 15th boundary enforcement when you haven't enforced 1-9 (or to 14) is how you end up having a lot of unresolved stuff. Wanna have a happy separation or divorce? Study on what's in your power and what is not...learn your side of the dance really well.

Can you see where fiscal irrresponsibility is very much like infidelity? Lots of the same feelings, especially of betrayal there...

No reason not to set your goal to save your marriage, in my opinion. Going about it by addressing the addiction head on (just like a drug addiction), keeping to your own goals, may well involve separation...with strong boundaries.

Please consider posting in the Infidelity General Questions II forum...reading up on adultery fog, what wayward spouses (because to me, it's very, very close) go through...and learn how you're dancing a similar dance...and come up with some practical and principled ways to go. It also gets the most traffic.

Is there a reason when you made your first post back in January that you didn't respond to the replies you got?

We're here for ya...you've already gotten solid advice...hope you took it about reading Harley's books and articles here on this website.

Welcome, again, to MB...please keep posting. You're not alone and your marriage isn't as hopeless as you might feel it is right now. Reasonable and valid to feel that way. Let us help. Post more.

LA

Why does she still have access to your income? This is definitely enabling. She is apparently gambling way beyond the recreational level and using household monies that are not disposable income.

Cut off the money train. Open your own checking account. Get direct deposit if you can. Do not give her cash. Pay the bills out of your account.

I was married to a bingo player and gambler that squandered away a good portion of our (my) income. Did I enable this habit. Yes. We lived paycheck to paycheck and saved nothing, nada, zilch. Bills got paid at least.

She refused to work to her potential and brought in minimal income. Income that she considered 'play money'.

I chose divorce. I had to cut off the money train to save myself. 10 years of this escalating behavior was enough. Several years after divorce, I am finally getting back on my feet financially and my DD is well cared for.

I urge you to take control of your finances. If she chooses to squander her income and not contribute, you will at least not enable her. Urge her to seek counseling to determine if she has a gambling addiction. You can not begin marriage building in the presence of an addiction. At least not effectively. Deal with the addiction first.

Thanks for the advice everybody. Yes,I am a member of gam-anon and have been seeing a therapist that deals with addictions. The reason I didn't reply back in jan. was I thought everything was getting better, at least that is what I kept telling myself. Call me crazy but I still have hope that even after the divorce that she will get help and we will get back together, I guess I can still dream.

I'm sorry for posting in wrong area so can a mod please put this in the wright area. Thanks again everybody and I will keep posting this time.

Dave,

Mods don't actually move threads...you copy and paste your posts to the forum you want by making a new thread there.

Did you want to move to another forum or stay here? Do both--have two threads running?

Why dream? Why not strive for a goal of your own? To save your marriage, even after divorce, if necessary? I'm not sure I understand your chosen perspective.

You stopped posting for you and your marriage because it seemed at the time the marriage was getting better or you were? I'm unclear on what you/want.

Good to know you're choosing to keep posting.

LA

LA,

I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to save my relationship with my wife even though our marriage may not be saved. Please don't think I want my marriage to end but that may be the only way for the LOVE of my life to get the help she needs. Maybe I'm wrong but so far trying to force help hasn't worked. Right now I'm concentrating on my kids needs and mine

In the 3 weeks I've been out of the house I don't feel as depressed or grumpy anymore, I've had more patience with my kids. It's crazy how living with an addict can make you feel so down. Our 14yo daughter has been taking care of her brother and sisters for the summer since we couldn't afford to pay the daycare anymore and I know this has taken a toll on her selfesteem. I tell her how sorry I am for whats happened and she says she understands. Last night I visited with the kids while the wife was at softball and the cable company came to disconnect the cable, the kids were really upset. It isn't fair to the kids but I wasn't going to pay the bill she said she would pay so she could go spend that money at the casino. I'm tryng to stop being the enabler, was I wrong?

I stopped posting because I thought my answers were met and didn't feel I needed more help. WOW, was I wrong.

Thanks again for your support.