- reposted was originally in EN -

We've been married for about two years. Last year I found out my wife was having a full blown emotional affair. I found a set of letters that she has been receiving from a man in another city.

When I read them my blood ran cold, I was devastated. We were having problems before but I didn't think they were this bad. She was on a week long vacation with a bunch of friends in LA and then to Las Vegas. I took time off work to fly to LV to hang out with her for the weekend.

I had to come home first with her returning the next day. I found the letters for her when I got home. I confronted her and talked about it. Anyways, we worked through some of the issues or so I thought.

Fast forward a year later and things have steadily gotten worse. She started chatting more online, had a MySpace page that listed her a single, and she attracted a lot of "friends", all guys, to chat with her.

She still stays in contact with some of them. A couple of weeks ago I learned she was having another EA. I found text messages on her cell phone asking the guy to call her back. I knew it wasn't innocent from the pet name she called him.

I've since moved out and we've been trying to reconcile. In the past year she's been going down to LA for 'vacations' as she calls them. About a week at a time. Recently she decided she wanted to purchase a condo down there and think about relocating there. She has another trip planned down there later this month, this time for two weeks. She says she's never met any of the guys she's talks to but it's very hard for me to trust her. We've been trying to work on our problems but she says she wants to hold off canceling her trip until she knows I've changed and can meet her EN.

I'm on the fence. I think that if she was serious about working on the marriage she would cancel the trip immediately. However, she says she wants to take things slow in case things don't work out. For me, that really empties my LB. I want to make this relationship work so I am dealing with the pain. I feel myself slipping into withdrawl sometimes. I also would like to introduce her to MB but I know she doesn't like consulting or read "self-help" stuff.

Since I moved out we've seen each other a few times and been making more time to see each other. She has been more affection than she has been in a long time, giving me small kisses on the back of the neck and a lot more hugs. However, she says she still not ready for sex because she wants to feel like she's in love first. Sex is not one of her top EN, it is one of mine.

This has all happened within the last two weeks (yes crazy!). While I can understand that not a lot of time has gone by, what troubles me is all the dishonesty, the lying and the thoughts that she may of had a PA. I don't think she's had one but I'm such an emotional wreck right now my mind thinks the worst of her. I'm frustated that I can't seem to stick to a decision and I emotionally flop back and forth between never wanting to see her again and wanting to grab her in my arms and telling her I love her.

What do the MB'ers think about how I should proceed?

Yikes.....this is really early in the marriage!! I'm so sorry this is happening MIH. Welcome to MB. Your wife sounds like she has an imature view of the evolution of love.....she only wants the initial "high" and then feels let down when it evolves into the "attachment" phase of love.

But your response.....is the same as the rest of the folks who come here. My first suggestion would be "exposure". Do her parents know what she's doing? Her sister? Open her actions to the light of day and the scrutiny of people she cares about.

This is too early in the marriage for her to start having multiple affairs, and yes, they've gotten physical. You don't meet some guy off the internet and hang out in person to chat. Your WW has had multiple PAs. Do you really want to stay with someone who is going to continue to do that to you? I would think it through long and hard first.

That being said, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to need to get tough and DEMAND respect. That means you are going to move back in, but she needs to do away completely with the tools of her affairs and addictions. If she doesn't do it, you do it for her. She may argue that you are being controlling, but if you want to save your marriage it must be done. It would be better for her to leave because she says you are too controlling (i.e. won't let her to continue to cheat on you), that to have her dictate the conditions of your marriage. Cancel the trip, and either disconnect the internet, or get software that blocks myspace and other chat sites. Change her cell phone number. If she continues, you need to expose her behavior to all of those who would be in a position to put pressure on her to end her affairs, parents, friends, family, etc.

You also will need to identify her top ENs and your LBs and work to fill her love bank. She can be "in love" with you again, but not as long as she is chatting (and sleeping) with other guys. Don't take no for an answer.

It's hard to hear that she's had 'multiple PA', but I'm kind of on the fence about this. Of course she says she's never met any of the guys online.

When she is on her 'vacations' she spends it shopping and beach hopping. We do talk when she is out of town but it still leaves me feeling really insecure. One time she went down her friends went with her and I came down soon after to visit for the weekend.

With my emotions the way they are I'm suspicious that those were decoys to settle down the issue a bit. I talked to her last night and she says she still can't decide between her 'independence' and our marriage. She says she'll have a decision for me tonight.

Like you guys and the people in the EN post said that it is really early on in the marriage and ending it, while I still love her a lot (wish I didn't at this point), is not the end of the world. We have been living together for nearly 6 years. Since I'm only 27, that is almost one quarter of my life. :\

I'll know by later tonight if she decides to cancel her trip or not. To me, canceling her trip or saving the marriage is a no brainer.

As for meeting her EN, I'm trying. However, in light of everything her EN are really the last thing I'm thinking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, if you are serious about saving the marriage, it needs to be a much greater focus.

Jim I was reading your story, well at least the first few pages of it. Sounds like you've already gone through this before.

How did you find out about the PA?

I know asking my WW probably isn't worth a hill of beans. Reading more of the advice given to you, it sounds like exposing the A is the best course of action.

I felt the same about my WW until I found out. Needless to say, I was in denial at the time. She might not have had intercourse with the other men, but I guarantee that she's fooled around. However, like Bill Clinton, in her mind she hasn't "technically" had sex with them and will deny it until you can prove otherwise.

Let me ask you this. If she did cheat on you, do you think that she'd tell you? Probably not, because then you would have the "right" not to let her go on her trips.

Do you think Exposure is the best move or should I wait until she decides to stay married or go on her trip? I don't really know and I think exposure to her parents and family would be the best move right now.

Personally, now I would be gathering up all my evidence to prepare it for exposure to everyone, and then I'd give her the chance to say she's staying and working on the marriage first. If she doesn't commit to the marriage, tell her that you are going to do whatever you feel is necessary to fight for your marriage. Don't tell her you are exposing, just do it. When she asks why, you explain that you told her you were going to do whatever you felt was necessary to fight for your marriage, and then walk away from the conversation.

Sorry you're here, MIH. It seems obvious to me that your wife has already had a PA. Emails and texts with other guys...single myspace profile...and "vacations" to LA. Vacations from her marital vows, that is.

I'll say this up front - you've been married two years, have no kids (that you've mentioned) and your wife has already had multiple EA's and presumed PA's. You need to think long and carefully about whether this is something worth salvaging, or if you want to cut your losses.

That said, if you are going to go the exposure route, start gathering evidence - hardcopy is best. Print out email and text logs if you can get them. You can plant a voice activated recorder in her car, get a keystroke logger for her computer, and even get the CheckMate DNA swabs to test her underwear after her "vacations". Make multiple copies of your evidence before you confront, and have some hard copy when you expose.

Get your finances in order and don't fund her affairs. If you have access, cancel her cell phone and internet access, cancel her trip, and cancel her credit cards. With all these "vacations" it doesn't sound like she "works" much.

Here is an update. I got WW's parents involved last night and told them about what she did in the past. Now my WW is saying that she hates me, that I betrayed her. She said that her having a "boyfriend" was a lie.

I can believe that she doesn't think about the OM as a BF and I don't have any real evidence that there has been a PA. Whenever she goes down to LA she says she is just shopping, relaxing and beach hopping. She says she's never physically met any of these people online. She only talks to them on MSN and now through her cell phone.

After her parents asked her about our separation and what I told them that I thought she had a BF in LA, she went ballistic. I moved out a couple of weeks ago because we agreed we both needed space, in retrospect I think that is not a good move.

Now she says it is 100% a done deal, that I "signed our divorce papers" and that it is over. She says that she hates me and believes that I betrayed her trust once again.

I was reading Jim's (jmwc95) story and this sounds very much like it. There is no proof that she's had a PA, but I know she's had a lot of EA.

I'm waiting to talk to her parents because they don't believe that their daughter could behave this way and done these things. They are reserving judgment until they know the full story. It is difficult waiting to see what would happen.

I need some advice here on how to proceed next. The advice her is compelling that the marriage is young (1 year, 10 months), so it might be good to cut the losses and run. We've been together for almost 6 years. We've lived together for about 5.5 of those so for me it's like throwing away a big part of my life. I'm 28 now.

My heart is really on the fence. I want us to be together and build a happy marriage. However, my left brain says, cut my losses and move on.

Whatever you do, you need to bear down and figure it out.

Whenever the WS is exposed, they ALWAYS flip out and say it's over. Afterall, now she can't jet-set all across the country, have her boyfriend, and have you to fall back on at the same time. You are just ripping the crack pipe out of their hands and they are just trying to make you pay for taking it away from them. I would gather all your evidence and have a sit-down with her parents by yourself to show them the evidence and give them your side of the story. Tell them that you care for their daughter and aren't willing to throw in the towel even though she has betrayed you.

Here is a tip. The worse their reaction to exposure, the more effective it is at ending their behavior.

Jim, I read a lot of your story. It seems like it's been going on for a very long time. After all that time has it gotten any better?

My situation sounds very similar to yours.

I can't believe I missed this the first time through your thread, but here it is...

Go home! It's your house. She's the one doing something wrong, not you. You can't work on your marriage at a distance. She wants "space" to carry on with her boyfriends without your interference, not to think about your relationship. By giving her this space you're enabling her adulterous behavior.

Go home. Today if you can manage it.

Yes, my FWW is very much committed to the marriage now. We still haven't fully recovered, but things are probably a little better than they were before the affair. Things can recover and be better than ever.

I agree - go home.

And if you think that online chats aren't damaging... well my XH had a 2 1/2 YEAR EA with a woman right under my nose. It was over 10 years ago now, and I wasn't internet savvy at the time - I had no clue. We were having problems in the M - even did 18 months of MC and all the time he was sitting there in the MC office blaming me for everything, he was carrying on with another woman without my ever knowing it.

I discovered old chat logs about 6 months after it supposedly ended - but they were "still friends" - right. Well I had never heard of MB, but I exposed it, I even confronted OW by email (not recommended but it was good therapy for me). She was single and a student so there was no husband to tell or whatnot - but I exposed to his family, my family... and I INSISTED that there be NO CONTACT ever again - and to my knowledge he has honoured that. Our M didn't end over an A... we managed to get past that but only because at that time I put my foot down and refused to enable or stand by while that sort of thing continued.

And I read the chat logs - they would curl your hair.

People don't have to be in the same room to have an affair.

Once I found out and found out how long it had been going on, while it was devastating it was also somewhat liberating - I realized that not *every* problem we ever had was my fault. Yes I owned what led to him being vulnerable to an affair but that was HIS choice - and it explained a lot of why MC didn't really do much for us. It did wonders for *me*... but not the marriage.

We made more progress outside MC and after exposure, than we did in the 18 months of MC. In hindsight we probably should have gone back to MC once the affair came to light but he was in another city and we were preparing to move here as a family - he was home once a month at that point and that situation went on for 2 years - but our relationship strengthened during that time. A few years after we moved here, it all went to he** again - but his depression had control then, and I couldn't take it anymore.

Go home. Expose the affair. Stop enabling her - get rid of the computer, internet, or put filters on it or a key logger. It's not too late to fix, but as it was also mentioned, given your circumstances it *might* be an option to cut and run too - only you know what is in your heart.

JinGA