I am curious to ask if there have been any extreme responses towards the OM when a husband learns of his wife's infidelity?

I was the one having the affair which I never thought could never happen to me. It was ugly, berating and I never felt so horrible about myself. I was attached to the OM and extremely manipulated into thinking that because we were "friends first" and we both agreed to end the affair that we could continue a relationship. I also learned that his "friendship" was all with conquest in mind which was even more degrading. I can't even describe things other than I have been through much therapy and have owned my actions and been forgiven by my husband. However, when I disclosed this affair to my husband, since he knew the man, he wanted seek revenge not only for what happened to our marriage, but for the mistreatment and emotional blackmail and abuse I suffered at not revealing the truth sooner. You see, the OM had me so covinced that it was the wrong thing and selfish thing to reveal but I knew in my heart I could never be fully committed to my husband again unless I told him the truth. This drove me to the point of near total self destruction. How this OM manipulated and controlled me was horrible and I was very weak.

This all happened a year ago and we are over the devastation and very happy again. But I have always wondered how other husbands responds to the OM.

Please don't judge me........I am still working on forgiving myself.

Typically, there is not an extreme response. Of course there is a desire for revenge, but that is only to be expected. As far as acting on it, I can only think of a couple of acts of violence, one was committed by the other WOMAN against the betrayed wife [beat her up with a pool stick if I remember right] and the other was a husband against the OM. I am somewhat surprised that it doesn't happen more often.

Thankfully nothing happened. My husband actaully had some legal means of holding the OM accountable. That was what I meant by revenge......but for our marriage sake we knew that it would be unproductive. The focus had to be US and our marriage if we were going to survive this.

By the way this site has been very ressuring in our journey rebuilding our marriage.

RD,I don't think that holding one accountable is revenge. There are consequences to adultery and often we don't do the person any favors by protecting them.

Glad you joined us, RD!

sounds like you have made greats strides in your life. the realizations about the OM that you have come to are real growth on you part.
I for one support any BS seeking appropriate and mostly lawful justice against the OP...so long as it is done and over with at that point. No need for continued drama.

Please don't think I am being harsh, my FOM was similar to yours in the emotional blackmail dept, therefore I am curious.

What legal means did your H have planned to holding OM accountable? You were a willing partner and you chose to let him do this to you. I can't imagine there is any type of legal action that could be taken, but I could be wrong.

LC

I personally never spoke to the other man after DDay. I have 3 children and I was afraid I would end up in jail. But, oh did I fantasize about getting him alone for 5 minutes.

LOL!

I think that way too sometimes! I'm the BS and my WW had started to yammer on about how great the OM was. I personally haven't met him yet, but since I'm plowing ahead toward DV, I know the time will come when he is in the picture with my kids and that thought absolutely enrages me yet.

I know I have to try to get over that, but since all my emotional equity has been used for myself and previously trying to reconcile my marriage, I'm still pissed off at this guy, I hate him, I would stand up and cheer if he got hit by a bus.

I know that sounds horrible, but forgiveness isn't in the playbook right now. In time, perhaps, I don't know.

But for now, I shudder to even think of what my response might be if/when I ever meet him in person.

RD,
Kudos, you are on the right path. As far as the OM, it was very tough and disappointing to learn that someone I thought of as a friend was a betrayer and backstabber in the worst way. If it had been 200 years ago, we would have been dueling with pistols at 10 paces.

Fortunately, rationality and better judgement usually prevails but I'm surprised there isn't more vigilante justice taking place too. Maybe it doesn't get reported or charges pressed b/c deep down the OM should know that if he messes with another man's W, he should expect some retribution b/c he broke the code; taking your lumps, w/out complaint, could be seen as a form of penance? I'm not endorsing this, just saying it.

I read today, on Fox News, that a adulterer in Iran was legally stoned to death for his crime. I'll leave that w/out comment or adding an instant graemlin face.

V/r,
No Way

My BH had an "extreme response". He gave FOM a job, played chess with him and let him sleep in his home after a long night at work.

What?? Why??

I have no idea, maybe he was trying to be amicable, maybe he just didn't give a [censored] about me in the first place.

My H did exchange a few emails with my FOM (he knew him and thought he was a friend). He said it was best he not ever be face to face with him because he didn't think he could resist the urge to punch him in the face. He said all he would have like to do is punch him once, that punch surely would have counted and often fantasized about it. (This from a man who is non-confrontational and nonviolent)

LC

I have no doubt that I wouldn't be able to resist. My fear was that it would go beyond one punch in the face. That's why I never wanted to meet him. I went to his house to inform his wife, and he wasn't home. I have often thought how lucky I was that he wasn't there. I would have definitely served jail time. I stayed away from him, because 1) I didn't want my kids to have to see their dad go to jail, and 2) I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of putting me in jail. I know it sounds harsh, but I wanted so much to at least inflict some pain on him. It just felt to me like he got away with everything at our expense.

Thanks, I have made great strides.........I was also very sheltered with a perfect life and never even looked at another man. This guy was a great guy I thought, he held a positon of power in an organization I was involved in and we had a real camaraderie. I really thought he was as dedicated to his family as I was to mine. Turns out he actively pursued me.....another mans wife......aggressively. I was flattered, naive and fell for the manipulation. Don't misunderstand, we were friends.....that is how he earned my trust.

Someone asked about the legal ramifications and what recourse. Abuse of Power.....He was in a position of power and used it to gain access to me. Then the whole emotional abuse deal but that would have been too emotionally costly.
My BS still wants to beat the ****** out of him but knows that isn't possible. Someone commented that just one punch. That is how my husband feels. Hopefully we will never run into the OM. I am afraid what will happen if we do. I do believe I made a huge mistake....I have been accountable. I apologized to his wife and tried to forget this jerk. Just moving forward with my husband and find we are stronger than ever. However this black mark will ALWAYS be there. That hurts......the scar on our marriage. REalizing too that my husband is totally committed to me and was willing to take me back...and the pain I put him through. It is tough because I think about it everyday and have no one to talk about it to. It hurts my husband too much but it still crushes me sometimes.....everything about it.....from start to finish. Just surreal!!

RDS - Sounds like you are remorseful and both of you are well into recovery. I read here often and see lots of BS wish their WS could understand, which you certainly seem to. Yes, it's a scar but, IMO, what keeps a M together after sustaining such an injury, is both being hopeful and committed to a better future. Keep up the hard work!

V/r,
No Way