So about 7 months ago I started having what would totally be considered an Emotional Affair with an old friend(who was in love with me-or so he said) of mine. When we first started talking it was just to catch up on old times and then a few weeks into it he decided to tell me he had never gotten over me. About a month or so in to it I realized it had gone to far and tried to break things off with him. I also told my DH because I wanted some accountability. At the time it hadn't gotten any farther than just talking and sharing a few things that should have only been shared with my DH.

Well about a month later this guy contacted me again (after I asked him not too) and he swore he just wanted to be friends and he wouldn't bring up liking me and we could just talk. Well I let myself get sucked back into it and this time it got worse it only lasted about a week before I totally broke it off with him and changed my e-mail, phone # and other forms of contact and I haven't spoken to him or heard from him in 4 months. Thankfully.


The only thing is I did tell my hubby that I had talked to him a few more times since that first time I told him I'd broken it off but I never gave my DH all the "details" of everything that went on. My DH told me as long as I didn't Physically cheat on him he can forgive me and we are all good. It's just I don't feel he understands how awful I was and I don't feel he can truly forgive me unless he knows how bad it was. Is this the way I should be feeling or should I just take his forgiveness and move on? Or should I go to him and tell him everything which would bring up something we haven't spoken about in months and just drag us through the pain again? I'm just so confused - Can he really forgive me even though he doesn't know all the details???

Okay I could just use some advice and help here!! Thanks.

Tell him you have so more details and how he would like you to handle it. It needs to be the BS leading the way on how much they want to know. It is not good for your M to hold onto secrets. BTW, good for you for knowing you were on a very slippery slope!

Well...can YOU live with the elephant in the living room?

I doubt it...its bothering you, or you wouldn't have come here.

I'm sure you know the answer, but I'll say it for you anyway.

Of course your husband deserves to know the TRUTH of what all happened. And if you don't tell him, those lies are going to continue to eat at you...just like they're doing now. It won't get better, easier over time. It will get worse.

I'd recommend that you set up a time to sit down with your husband, and tell him the complete truth. Let him see how much this has hurt YOU...and be ready to help him deal with the pain of YOUR actions. I'd even recommend that you get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs NOW, before you tell him, and read those through. So you'll be ready to see things from his viewpoint, and able to help him.

NFS,

Like Faithful said, good you recognized the slippery slope and backed off. I wish my W had the courage to tell me everything years ago as her LTA developed; it would have saved both of us alot of pain and mistrust. Sure, it would have been hard to hear and deal with at the time but, long term, we'd have been better off.

Tell all. I hope your H creates an atmosphere were you feel safe being open and honest. The books suggested would help him understand how and why that's important.

V/r,
No Way

As someone who didn't properly handle the fallout from my own EA, which lead to my wife's eventual full blown PA and now subsequent DV, TELL HIM EVERYTHING!

Purge your soul, get it out on the table, swallow your pride, face the fear because the consequences are infintitely worse if you allow it to build.

NFS,

I had a EA/PA and I told my H everything he wanted to know. I answered every question and had frequent check-ins with him for nearly a year after I confessed.

There were many, many things my H did NOT want to know about. Because of this, I felt he didn't truly understand the depths of my betrayal. How could he truly forgive me if he didn't know what really happened? This haunted me for a very long time, and it continues to upset me in certain instances.

I sometimes think this is a burden a FWS must bear. If what you need to tell him will further protect your M (meaning, it needs to be said to guarantee NC between you and OM for life) then most definitely share your feelings with your H. If it's to relieve yourself of guilt, I wouldn't do it. You need to make sure your H feels safe, and only reveal what is comfortable and acceptable to him (again, unless it needs to be said to protect your M .)

I struggle with forgiveness issues, so I understand where you are coming from. Read books on the subject, write in a journal, and do things for your H to show him how much you love him. Showing your love with actions will help lead to self-forgiveness, and will allow him to see how truly sorry you really are. ((NFS))

KM

NFS:

Do this:

Write down what happened. Print off some of the most telling Emails if you can.

When you write it down, write it all down, everything you need to say.

That is the most comprehensive listing of what happened.

Keeping that original, Edit the document to half it's size. If you have a paragraph on something, make it two lines.

After this edit, save it.

Then do a final edit. One Page. Of what the most important points are. THat two line paragraph, now becomes one.

That way, you have three versions of what happened. Full, Half, and an overview.

Sometimes, BS do not need ALL THE INFO. They just want the summary.

Sometimes, BS NEED ALL THE INFO. You have that.

So, you schedule a meeting with your husband, No Kids, Dog, TV, etc.

Have a glass of wine or beer, set a comfortable mood.

LEt him know before hand what you want to talk about this time.

Start the conversation, and express your concerns, that you need him to know what happened, so that you two can work together to avoid having something happen in the future.

Part of being open and honest.

Let him know that you believe he might have reservations about knowing some of this, but that you need to talk to him about it.

Then let him know about the summary. What happened and when and times, an outline what was written. Give him the info.

He may want to read it, he may not. HIS CHOICE.

HE may read it and ask you other questions, that you answer, completely and without hesitation, and expand the answers. This may address all the areas that he might have a concern about. Respect his choice to establish what he needs to know.

HE may read it, and state that he doesn't need anymore info. Respect that as well.

And if he needs more, then you have the second letter with half the info.

You may go thru the same exercise above again, him asking or not asking for info.

If he still wants more, you still have all the info. And then you can give him that letter.

He just might not want it. But you have it, available for him, anytime he wants it. He may take comfort from that, just as you might, everything your Husband needs to know is there.

Giving him the letter with all the info first? He might not want that. He is happy now, according to him, it's you who wants to give him more info. That is something to respect as well.

Many BS want ALL the info, you are lucky in that your BS doesn't seem to want more, and many BS here would love to have thier WS open up like you are trying to do.

And as an aside, you claim that it was an EA. Is it possible that it was a little less than an EA? But the OM REALLY wanted it to be more, and you ended it? And that's why your H isn't as concerned about it?

Or your H really doesn't know how much you were pushing, or wanted to push, this EA?

And that is what is scaring you?

That is seems that your H doesn't care about you possibly finding somebody else? And working through the path you took is too much trouble, but once that path has been started, it's easy to go again, and he seems non-chalant about that?

Is that what is scaring you?

Think about that, ok?

Your H needs you to care for you, and to protect you. You showed this vunerability and he needs to help you patch it. Explore that with him.

But write the three letters. For you. That way, you always will have the info if he needs/wants it later. Take your time with the first one, do several drafts, revising your info and making it in a timeline order, etc. Try to remove judgements, etc, just be descriptive.

LG

If at all possible .... schedule yourself a MarriageBuilder's Weekend ... not only will you be able to reveal your worries better, but you will become closer as man and wife

second best to that would be --- to make a phone consultation appointment with the Harley's counseling center ... and develop a strategy for how to reveal "all"

third best would be to make a phone call to the Harley's radio program, see if you can get on air --- ask your question there