My WH still has no intention of coming home. It's been almost 2 months since he moved out. He just wants to get the house ready, fixed up and sold. There is a strong possibility that I could have a seller who would just take the house as is and I could conceivably be out of here by August 15th.

Plan A while I am doing it, isn't being very effective. The only time he calls is when he wants something or wants to get the house more ready to sell. Should I just get out of this empty house that is killing us financially and get my own apartment, hoping he will give me money, and go to Plan B?

The WH is someon who lies about everything and I have no idea what he is truly thinking anymore. My H doesn't exist right now.

SG

Have you consulted with an attorney yet?

In the meantime - get some support or counseling for yourself. Is your WH willing to go to counseling or talk about more than just the details of the house?

Sounds like he has his cake and eating it too.... Mid Life - moves out - while you clean up the mess and make it easy for him to move on.

I would have some boundaries, and some expectations from him in order for you to politely 'cooperate" and be burdened with the house.

Worse case scenerio - get your apt and tell HIM to come home and deal with the damn house!

SG,

I don't know if now is the time to decide to sell the house. While dealing with the intense emotions surrounding our life exploding before our eyes, we, as a BS, are not really capable of making such a huge decision. When in a state of crisis, try not to make any decision that closes doors or burns down bridges you might wish to use for retreat if your situation changes.

Be sure you have given it your best shot at reconciliation first and get your own life in order. Once YOU are stronger, then those decisions can be made and you will know that it isn't just a feeling of hopelessness that is guiding your actions.

This is still pretty new, based on you registration date and I can tell you that it took my FWW at least 60 days after Dday to begin to show any signs of regret or remorse, and from what I have since learned here, that was blindingly quick compared to most. At 3 weeks out from Dday, she was still in contact with OM and I was pretty sure we were headed for Plan D. Even today I sometimes wonder if it is all worth it, but I'm not giving up without a fight. It took me about six months to decide that I was going to continue fighting rather than give up and move on.

And yes, my first thoughts were to sell the house, take the equity and move to a far away place where I could just relax and not have to deal with it all every day. At 7 months post Dday, I ended up in the hospital, had two surgeries and it was my W who cared for me during that recovery. I don't have any idea who would have done that other than her, and if we'd had to move in the midst of it all because we had sold the house, I might be living out of my truck right now.

If nothing else, try to prevent a forced sale to get it over with in a hurry, since it limits your options as to accepting offers that are attempting to take advantage of the situation.

Mark

Graplin - Yes I have contacted an attorney. My Wh is basically turning over his entire paycheck to me to keep the house going while he plays around.

Recovery - I am in counseling. Have gone back to AA, gotten a sponsor am about to begin my 4th step. I absolutely agree he is in a mid life crisis along with being in a dry drunk and completely addicted to this OW. A little background on her. They bumped into each other in a grocery store. She is 45, divorced twice (he says they were abusive relationships), has 3 children, the oldest is almost 30, then 20 and 19. The 19 year old has 3 children. This OW is on state disability for a liver condition. They are currently living in a one bedroom apt. and I think on the couch bed in the middle of the room. She takes care of a raging alcholic who was/is due to get a liver transplant, but he keeps screwing up with alcohol, heroin (possibly) and smoking. So he is basically going to die. But my WH loves her. And, she actually is shorter than me and fat and could almost pass for me. Go figure. This one bedroom apt is in a rough neighborhood and last weekend had a shooting and a fight. One of the biggest complaints from my WH was that we live a chaotic life. Since he has left, our house is relatively calm, and he is still living in chaos.

Mark - The house is creating an unbelievable financial burden on us, whether we got back together or not. We would have had to sell the house. Unfortunately, prior to D-Day we could have fixed the house up and made some nice money. Part of me wants to hold out for that? What do you think?

My Wh is actually perfectly agreeable to coming over to the house, fixing it up and selling it. The draw back is that I am still under his control for money. He is very passive-agressive, manipulating and controlling.

So, given that and the above information, should I continue to live in the house and have him come over and help? That's even if he keeps to his word.

One last thing to note: Since he left, he has had no contact with older son, and younger son only twice and both times nothing was said. My older son said he would talk to him face to face, not by email. My son is the one who confronted WH about the affair and is extremely pissed off. My younger son, as he said has a moment of generosity and let me give his email to his dad.

So, with all that, what do you think?

Thank you all for your help. It really helps me when I am feeling sorry for myself.

SG

SG,

Ultimately you are the one who has to make the decisions that affect your life. I am not a professional counselor or a lawyer and I think that is the kind of advice you need right now.

You also need to have others along side of you to help you in dealing with the emotions of all of this. I would make this a group of women and avoid sharing too much with men for obvious reasons. These friends should not be dealing with unresolved issues from a similar situation or be hostile toward men in general. What you need right now is positive support as well as commiseration.

Mark

skins..

when you say to your husband...

your lack of invovlement and contact in your children's life is causing great great pain to them...and more importantly than discussing minutia of fixing a house of wood and plaster...

my question, dear husband is what is your exact plan to address and fix the issue of your childrens' hearts...

he replies....??????????????????????
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
with exactly what plan....


also when you say to your attorney I want it in my seperation plan that my children will have no access and or overnights with anyone not of family......

he/she replies with..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
exactly what, please....


ARK^^...
who as you can guess likes to have things of IMPORTANCE lined up all in a row................

Mark - I actually am blessed with an amazing group of women who are a great support system. I am however careful with who I really take counsel with as I stay clear of those who think I need to just drop him.

Mostly I have people in my life who are telling me to take care of myself, my kids and leave the outcome to G-d.

Without a doubt, G-d has put this situation into my life for a purpose. What that purpose I have no clue and what he wants me to do with it, I don't know. I do know that today I woke up later than I have in almost 2 months. Daily there is a growing peace inside of me, however there are those moments of the day that just cripple me for a little while. But I get through it. I love my H beyond belief, in fact I am shocked at how much. But G-d has a bigger plan and like it or not I have to surrender to his will and go along on the journey. I just pray daily and hope that his will is for my H to come home one day.

My AA sponsor always tells me, pain won't kill me, but it's what I do with the pain that will.

Ark - My WH really has one focus, that is himself. When he left he said he was tired of putting other people before him and he was learning how to put himself first. He isn't one to likes responsibility and avoids it at all costs. His mind frame isn't about child rearing our boys or doing what's best for them (4 weeks after he left - he showed up at a lacrosse tournament with the OW), but figuring out how to be free of the house so he can be with OW.

WH isn't capable of having empathy for his family. Only his new chaotic enviroment.

Thank you so much for your inputs. It really is a help for me to look at things differently.

SG

Hi, I wanted to add this from the Orchid's thread...it's very important...my STBX was the same way...still is...I only mention that to let you know that you are not alone dealing with that mentallity...

I would also like to compliment you on being able to see this clearly!

Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Strivn - what words of wisdom do you have for that mentality. Do you think there is hope that my H will come home?

See things clearly - ONLY because it's in G-d's hands. I love my H with all my heart and want us to be a healthy happy couple. The hard part is not knowing the outcome and just trusting in G-d by doing his will, not mine.

How are you doing?

SG

skinsgal...

read my post again...

I ask you a question.....

about YOUR actions
about what YOU should say
about what YOU could be doing...

and you answer me with all kinds of stuff about the WS.,.
I could care less about the fogged up babble of an active WS....

I've heard most of it round these parts.....

my question to you is

when your husband calls you and says...

lets figure out a plan on how to fix the loose stair railing.....

what is his response when YOU SAY

dear husband what is YOUR plan to fix the broken hearts of your children......????

again that is my question......

like water dripping on a stone....
the BS must be steadfast in the straight narrow of the reality of actions...

you don't bow or bend to his ability or inability to address these...

you hold the course steady...
same info
same questions

drip
drip
drip

not entertaining fantasy diversion minutia about a home....

ARK

I honestly can't answer that question for you...I don't know the whole sitch and I could no longer deal with my STBX...

I still love him and I'm sure that I always will, we have two beautiful boys together; however, the enviroment was no longer healthy for me...he started getting violent, said there was nothing "wrong" (his words not mine) with him, refused MC, and was not going to kiss my @ss...

I really have no words of wisdom for you on how to "deal" with him, but I can say that the best thing I did was focus on ME and my boys!

Ark, is wonderful to have in your corner...you have great guidance with her!

YOU will be fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Ark for clarifying (almost,

I don't have an answer for you because I haven't asked him that question. But I will next time I talk to him.

And once I get the answer what do I do next?

I appreciate the reality check.

SG

Thank you Strive -

Ark - I am working hard to understand what it is you are needing me to learn and ask for your patience as I grow.

SG

skinsgal,

I think that one of the very powerful factors that we as BS's pay little attention to is the "Mulligan Factor". How many of us don't have an episode, a time in our life or an incident that occurred that we haven't said " Gee if I could do it all over again".

After the WS is exposed and emerges from the acute embarassment, pain, hiding and possible economic complications of the A , two things happen.....EN's being met by another and the realization, however pathologic, that they now can start a new life, devoid of the baggage of their past marriage/family/personal responsibilities.

Just wiped the slate clean......this time "I won't scr$w up". It's a high we Catholics get walking out of a confessional having had all our sins forgiven....when we walked out of 10th grade and 3 months of vacation will take us to our new life, 11th grade.... when we find out everything is closed for a snow day and we are responsible for ......nothing. Rebirth.

Along with the chemical effect of new " partner" , that is one dynamite feeling.

Only we forget. It never lasts.

Cym,

And as that never lasts, my love for him and my commitment to our marriage and the life that possible, by taking care of myself and changing only what I can in me will.

I gotta say, most times when I talk to him, he is very down or things are just ok.

I just have to be grateful to G-d for the path he has chosen and continue to live in his will not mine. It's only through learning the lessons and changing myself that I believe G-d will bless me.

I am certainly on a spiritual battle within myself.

Warmly,
SG

Did you and your attorney put together some sort of financial/asset guideline to inact?



My recommendation would be to see if your attorney can put together a signed contract, that will put in writing your current support needs and what your husband will provide.
A contract can help ensure (not guarantee) some protection against the whims of your WS.

You can also do the same thing about the house. You need to have something contracted whether you try to sell the house as is - how will the equity (or residual debt) be divided? Or if you choose to refurbish the house in order to sell it at a higher price, then that needs to go into the contract as well. For ex., would your WS expenditures toward redoing the house be compensated as an addition to his portion of the equity thereby reducing the portion you would get.

Having it in writing is far better than empty verbal assurances.

Ark - I am working hard to understand what it is you are needing me to learn and ask for your patience as I grow.

You sould not concern yourself with his priorities of fixing up the house for whatever it is he wants...

the priority is the abandonment of the children and the chilling affect this has on them....

if you engage in long drawn out plans about the house makeovers....

it keeps him focused on "other things:" ..other than the reality of what type of MAN he is....let alone father...

AND even more importantly if he accomplishes a house task...well then there's progress....

the whole while IGNORING the pain he and his actions inflict on his own children...

but make no mistake I am not suggesting you power struggle or demand or anything...

but

that you every opportunity turn it around back to him placing this pile of poo right on his doorstep and direct line of vision...

we have to sell the house....
he says...

you need to call the boys they are hurting
you say

we need to paint the bathroom...
he says
your sons are learning that fathers can and do abandon their children dear....
they are very sad....

who gives a flying you know what he wants...

his children want their dad...


for every request...
you quietly
and lovingly
remind him of this...

ARK

Ark - I think I actually might have it this time.

I actually have been doing that, but obviously worded it differently. Please tell me if this is wrong. Your boys are devastated and need to hear from you. You need to fix your relationship with them. Please contact the boys, they need to hear from you.

Besides the fact that my children are hurting terribly from this and he is their father. I may be asking a stupid question. By not having contact with them is creating a depression or missing them so much. If he starts having contact with him, won't he just think that life can be ok with this arrangment? Does that question make sense?

Ark- at the time I saw the attorney he told me that I was making out way better currently by not having any formal agreement. Each week, my WH puts in almost his entire paycheck into our bank account. I am therefore responsible to make all the payments and manage the household. The lawyer told me that if I were to get a legal separation then I would only hope to get half his paycheck which wouldn't be enough to support the household. That's almost the reason for getting into an apt sooner.

My plan is once I sell the house, talk to my husband (get in writing the amount we agree upon) and seek advice here. If he won't agree to my financial terms, then I will seek out the lawyer, file the necessary papers and I have enough money to live on until it is court ordered. I have written up a proposal showing my WH how much I want and what for.

Does that sound better?

Bumping