Hi everyone,

I recently posted on another thread about forgiveness, and it got me thinking about an issue I've been struggling with for quite a while now.

While I've been making progress in forgiving myself for my A (I would say I'm 90 percent there... it's mostly situational now), I am struggling with forgiving the OM. I still have strong, angry feelings towards OM and I know this is unhealthy for both myself and my M. It still keeps me "connected" to OM, and unable to let go of him for some reason. I've been trying to figure out what that reason is. I have some ideas, and was hoping that maybe others could help.

For years I've been reading how once FWS go through withdrawl, they typically feel "nothing" or "indifference" towards the OP. I guess I am not typical. I am furious with the guy. I KNOW I'm just as guilty as he is. I KNOW I'm wasting my time and energy on him. I was deeply addicted to OM, and I wonder if this still a part of my addiction.

When my angry feelings for OM surface, they typically occur when I am unhappy, stressed or about to have a confrontation with someone I don't care for (like a co-worker.) I think when I have "uncomfortable" feelings (I was a conflict avoider for years) I use OM to channel my feelings into something that feels safe (a fantasy... instead of what is really about to happen.) OM continues to be a distraction from my real life, and I JUST WANT HIM TO GO AWAY.

Besides being angry at OM, I am angry at myself for being angry about OM. I worry that I will be using OM for the rest of my life, and I don't want him in my life anymore. I use to smoke cigarettes, and when I am extremely distraught I think about smoking. Maybe this is the same thing, but my angry feelings are so strong at times that it just feels different and unhealthy. I just want OM to go away. So far, my strategy has been to try and focus on the real issue at hand. It doesn't prevent OM from continuing to pop into my thoughts, however.

Have other FWS had similar feelings? Do others think this is part of an addiction? What's wrong with me? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Also, my H does not know I struggle with this issue.

Katie Mae

Two things... i don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. I think you are processing a lot of stuff and I believe that your anger is appropriate at this point and should start to diminish with your efforts.
The other thing is, you should talk to your H about your feelings. PORH and such, he should know what difficulties that you are having regarding this situation.
You really do NOT need to forgive the OM...he is not in your life and most likely has not asked for forgiveness. I wouldn't stress over that. Instead, when those feelings crop up for you...find a way to shift your thoughts back to the things in your life that you are truly happy for...after a while the transition should be easier.
Now...if you were 5 years into recovery, I might say you have an issue...but I really think it is time for you to relax and enjoy the blessings that your recovery has allowed.

MEDC

I could have written your post because at one point I felt exactly like you do.

First off, talk to your H and tell him about your anger. It helps to release it. Like you, I tried to just keep it to myself and bottling it up only caused me more anger. Once day I mentioned to my H that I was having a lot of issues with anger he helped me sort out a few things by talking with me.

One day I googled "how to let go of anger" and found a great site. It doesn't have anything to do with infidelity but when I read the following it helped.

"A friend once told me that Buddha said that holding onto anger and resentment is like holding onto a hot coal you have picked up. The rational thing to do is to throw it away before it burns your hand. Forgiveness doesn't really have anything to do with the individual who has harmed you. Forgiveness has to do with you. Forgiveness sets you free. When you are focused on the past hurt you are not in the present. You will never experience happiness when you are focused on the past negative experiences. When you are negative, you are not loving to yourself or others. When you are not in the present, you are not living your life fully, and you are not open to receiving the abundance from the Universe that you deserve."

Here is a link to the site, the whole message was relevant to how I was feeling and was quite helpful in me being able to let go of the anger.
http://www.care-givers.com/pages/journal/lettingoofyour.html

There were so many things I was angry about finally I just had to let it all go. Here is how I finally released it. My neighborhood sits on top of a hill that overlooks our city. I walked to a spot where I could see the city, I faced the wind, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, said goodbye to the anger and let the wind take it away. I bet I stood there for at least 5 min with my eyes closed. I realize that probably sounds odd, but it's what I needed to do, I needed to have the sense it was being carried away by the wind in order for me to truly be able to let it go.

LC

Katie,

You have been given some great advice by MEDC and LC. I would offer you something else to consider and it is along the lines of what you have already heard.

Anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: pain, frustration, fear, etc. What is driving your anger? What emotion or feeling is causing the anger.

Elie Weismann (sp) is quoted as saying You don't want OM in your life. The the status you seek is indifference and that comes from forgiveness, and that is a gift you give yourself.

You cease to hold the option of extracting revenge/repayment/retribution from the person that has harmed you. That is a major part of forgiveness. YOu don't forgive them you forgive the debt of revenge/repayment/retribution you feel you owe them.

You set that down. Does this imagery help? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

Katie,

I have some familiarity with the feelings you are having regarding anger. It is in a different context, but the feelings and reactions I have had were much the same, and I will relate my story in hopes that what I learned might help you figure out your own situation.

I was the victim of childhood sexual assault over the period of several years. As I grew up, I experienced difficulty with anger management, and had lots of trouble sorting out how to deal with events in life that were much like you describe - confronting co-workers, upsetting events, troubles that come along, and the like - that were upsetting me. It seemed that I dealt with those things with more anger or upset than the actual situation required.

For a long time, as I grew up, I was not really very understanding that my reactions were related to the abuse. I did, however, know in my mind that my anger WAS directly tied to that expeerience, and that when I was upset I was linking my being upset about one event in the "now" to the abuse in the "then". But because I was young and the abuse was not yet public, I was dealing with things on my own.

What finally happened was that the link was made in my mind in an epiphany, and I came to understand that I was using what I call the "pot of anger" from the rapes to apply to anything that made me angry. It was very easy to dip into that pot, and I knew how to use that pot so well! It was on the front burner, always boiling, ready to be dished up. I also used that same pot when I felt defensive, upset, hurt...anytime that I needed it to protect myself.

Too often.

Maybe you are using the same concept? Using the "pot of anger" that you have regarding your relationship, the fallout from it, and all the rest, and applying that anger to things in your daily life - and this anger is misapplied. But it is understandable, because the anger is just bubbling there, just below the surface, always ready for dipping into. And you know that anger too well. It's just that you need to be able to separate that anger from the other events in life, and know when NOT to dip into that pot.

In my own experience, dipping into that pot started costing me in terms of my ability to progress in life, and in my relationships.

And yes, the anger was tied to forgiveness. Very closely. Because for me, it was only when I was able to forgive my abuser and recognize his weaknesses and sins before God, that I was able to let the whole thing go. And surely enough, the anger went with it. So did the memories, which I had prayed for relief from night after night.

Forgiveness releases YOU, as well as the one you seek to forgive. Whether or not that person seeks your forgiveness, or even recognizes or acknowleges that they might need it.

There is peace to be found in forgiveness.

It is a process, like a flower blossoming. You will begin to see some color in the bloom, as it starts tightly closed. Hints of the color show itself slowly, and the color will spread to the tips of the petals before the flower can begin to open. Then, one day, the warm sun shines on the bud and suddenly it is open to face the world in its glory, wide and unashamed.

So it is with forgiveness. It starts with the idea, tightly wound and the color there, and seeping in at the base of the heart. Slowly it will warm up, and once your heart and mind are of one spirit, you will open up and receive the very gift you are trying to give - forgiveness - for as you give it, it will come back to you in a way you will not understand but will be grateful for.




For me, there was never a thought of revenge or repayment or retribution. There is a universe that sees to all of that, and in its own way, forgiveness is one of the things that somehow takes part in that process. I have never regretted forgiving.


Just as I have never regretted loving.


SB

Katie:

I too feel the way you do. I am still so angry at the OM for so many reasons. He was my friend, earned my trust, refused to take the word NO from me as he was in hot pursuit and then devastated my life and I felt totally used and abused on top of almost losing my marriage.

I agree you need to talk however be careful what you say to your husband, he must still hurt over this. One year after and I am still so angry. I am forgiving but I find what he did so horrible that I don't have it in me to forgive him. One thing that helped me was a quote suggesting that to not forgive is like a steel bond holding you to that person and will forever keep you linked. That helped because I certainly don't want to recall the person I became while with him.

I am not sure if I was in love with OM or not but what I have learned is that as time goes on I still think of him but I can't seem to find any good thoughts, which makes me angrier at myself. I couldn't "just let it go" as you can't because the impact was too deep so like you every thing that upsets me I can relate back to him and spin out of control. Time will help and maybe some counseling...as my self esteem comes back I too fantasize about seeing him.......but this time I am looking down on him and thinking "wow, what a jerk."

Give yourself time and refocus your thoughts...........I totally understand what you are going through but you need to find peace in yourself. I have to forgive this guy over and over angain every day......it doesn't mean I have to give him the satisfaction of knowing it......it sets me free and gives ME the power to take back the peace he took from me.

Thank you, everyone, for your very thoughtful and comforting words.

I have a lot of processing and meditating to do.

MEDC- thank you for your post. I guess I sometimes forget how early I still am in recovery. It was actually almost one year ago today that I sent OMW her first letter. I sent the letter in response to contact I had with OM, so it's only been a year since I've last spoken to him. Thank you for reminding me of this.

LC- what a beautiful image of you standing on the hill releasing your anger! I've thought of doing something similar myself, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. Maybe I just have more processing to do... I don't know. I will think about talking to my H... I just don't know if he'd understand my being angry with OM. He thinks OM is "silly" and a "nincompoop," and the R was "ridiculous." What did your H say? Thanks for the link to that site... I will definitely check it out.

JL- thank you... I am trying to wrap my head around that! I had an "a ha!" moment when I read your last suggestion, but once that moment past, my brain scrambled back up again. I will have to meditate on it. Thank you again.

Schoolbus- your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing your very brave story. I absolutely understand the "pot of anger" you're talking about. I refer to it as "sludge." After I withdrew from OM, all of my repressed anger from my alcoholic family of origin surfaced, and it took me quite a while to work through that anger and forgive my parents. I am at peace with them now. I guess it is harder to find forgiveness in OM. Thank you for giving me many things to think about, including your beautiful quote:

"So it is with forgiveness. It starts with the idea, tightly wound and the color there, and seeping in at the base of the heart. Slowly it will warm up, and once your heart and mind are of one spirit, you will open up and receive the very gift you are trying to give - forgiveness - for as you give it, it will come back to you in a way you will not understand but will be grateful for."

Such a beautiful and poetic thought... thank you.

RDS7- are you my doppleganger? Lol. Many of my anger issues around OM are exactly as you describe. I spoke to OMW about eight months ago, and she informed me that OM was also involved with one of her best friends at the time of my A with OM. She also said that OM told her I was psycho, he never loved me, and we had a PA only for 3 months. He also said I was only after him for his money. For a man who pursued me so lovelorn and stalker-like before, during and after the A, this infuriated me. It also angered me because once I decided to get honest about myself, my M and my life, I was truthful about all aspects of my relationship with OM with whoever needed and wanted to know about it. WHY I get upset over OM not being honest as well is beyond me... I don't know what I should expect or why I should even care. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, RDS7... it was very comforting to me.

KM

Katie_Mae,

I don't know what your religious inclinations might be, so please ignore if this doesn't apply. The specific experience I am referencing at this time was not marital betrayal, but church betrayal. Please note, I am not attempting to compare the two. This is in regards to feelings and forgiveness.

I found myself enraged on and off most days and wasn't above wishing a little brimstone upon them. I wasn't so sure I really wanted to forgive them, and they certainly weren't asking me for forgiveness, but the emotions were beginning to take their toll on *me*.

I don't know how you are currently dealing with the feelings whenever they rear their head, but what I did each time mine started swelling was to pray, "God in obedience to you I have chosen to forgive, but You are going to have to bring my emotions into line with my choice."

I kept turning it back to God, because I personally had not been able to eliminate them by my own efforts. I no longer tried to fight them or squelch them, I just kept pointing them out to God and asking Him to bring them into line with my will. My prayer for you is that you will also be delivered from the anger as was I.

Wow.

Wow.

Thanks, Graplin. This helps tremendously.

Hi Katie

My MC gave me an article from New Life Ministries titled "7 Steps to Forgiving and Healing". It helped me work through forgiving the OW and my XH during this whole process. Here's the link if you want to read it or print it up.

http://www.newlife.com/Articles/article.asp?libid=27

Hope this helps.

Hang in there-

KM,



For a long time I called the top of the hill my sanctuary. It was my place to go when I needed to think. I can't count how many times I stood up there at the end of the road, feeling the wind and releasing all kinds of emotions. I spent quite a bit of time up there when I was battling myself over whether or not to confess. Now it's pretty much gone since they extended the road and are building houses, but I also don't need it anymore. It's funny how things work out.


Based on your description of your OM I wonder if we had the same one. Mine also blamed everything on me when he was the one making all the "first" moves. My H referred to him as Headcase or another name I can't post here.

My H and I got in the habit of walking every evening so we could talk. I had a really rough day with anger. I had found something out that FOM said to my boss at work before he left and I was ticked. I mentioned to my H that I was having some issues with anger and knew they weren't healthy. I told him it was bugging the heck out of me that FOM had the nerve to blame it all on me. My H grabbed my hand and said, "Who cares what anyone thinks, you know the truth and I know the truth. We are the only ones who count." It was conversations like that.

I tried to talk about my anger w/o being insensitive and talking about things my H did not want to hear about. Does that make sense? IOW, it was about me and my feelings, not the A or FOM. Other things I could say to him was that I felt angry because I felt so stupid about everything that happened.

Another thing I found helpful was I had to learn to allow myself to feel the emotions, this allowed me to release them. I learned if I felt them for a few seconds it was easier to let them go. I tried for a long time to avoid the feeling because I hated them all.

It took a lot of time, but I finally got here and you will, too.

LC