Could anyone give me the link to the Plan B letter? Thanks!

the "ASAP" is bothering me a little

needs to be taken as a careful and well-prepared step AFTER plan A

look on this thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=0&vc=1

Thanks Pep, yes my BIL has been doing a darned good Plan A since May. In an effort to show her how much he appreciated her and the work she has done over the years, he sent her with a married girlfriend on a cruise. He took care of the four kids in her absence, taking a vacation from work to do so.

Upon return, she opened a new email account and began emailing a young single man she met on the cruise and refuses to stop doing so. In fact, she just closed the account and started a new email with a new password. She is DEEP in the fog saying all of the usual things--she has a right to be happy, marriages shouldn't be such hard work, the kids will be better off with parents not together, but happy.

I agree with him that it is time for Plan B. Having been there myself as a BW and discussing it with my FWH we all believe that sister needs a dose of reality and not get needs met by BIL. BTW, she is 43 and this new guy is 28. So her first affair is over and she jumps into another one!

"ASAP" is never good way to enter Plan B! That is a surefire ticket to failure. Can you send your BIL here?

He has been here and has been gearing up for Plan B should the time come for a long while--I was the one that convinced him to do Plan A first and how important it is to show your spouse that you are capable of change as well as working on yourself.

This is my sister and I know her well enough to know that she really needs to not have the needs met from her BIL any longer. I don't think BIL will be able to have any love left very shortly here and I think Plan B will protect that love and his sanity.

The main worry, quite frankly, is the kids having to deal with this.

FYI

... this ...



separate vacations are what Dr Harley specifically warns people against

sisterinlaw,



Almost EXACTLY my history except my XW went with her single GF. She ended up having an almost 2?? year "fling" with a cabin boy.

Well, BIL is now reconsidering Plan B. Thinks he can hang in on Plan A a little longer. I am going to try and get him to post. He is having a very hard time concerning the children. What does the BH do regarding Plan B anyway? With it being summer, WW has the kids during the day--definitely not mentally there with them, but tough for the BH to take over when someone needs to pay the bills. WW takes off as soon as he gets home from work, usually to drink with divorced friends.

He has exposed the new A to our parents, and me, of course and called the new OM and told him to stay out of a R with my sister. The guy said he would. Threatened to go to HIS family and employer if contact continued.

s-in-law, he would need to seperate before he goes into Plan B. Dr. Harley recommends getting a legal seperation that specifies visitation, finances, etc. He wouldn't even be able to do Plan B unless she moves out anyway. He should get seperated, get his finances in order and THEN go into Plan B.

Melody,
Thank you. He is working on that.

Cymanca,
Sorry to hear the similarities. Did your W file for D? Or did you go to plan B...

Here is the quick facts of my situation and how I see it. My WW sent "no contact" letter 05/10/07. I believe she has had no contact. She has gotten progressively worse sense than (ie. Anger, depreesion, drinking, etc). She has also been dragging me down with here. I have four kids all of which are under 12. Which makes this situation incredibly difficult. She is very upset with me that I will not get a seperation. However, I want to stay home a continue plan A and work on my marriage and be with my kids. What I am currenlty thinking is that 2 mos since no contact in not enough time to expect any change. So I am retrenching and planning on working on myself and plan A and staying out of her way. She is really making it hard on me. She sleeps in another room, won't make dinner, takes the kids, etc. Pretty much all the typical stuff. I discovered the affair in early January so I have been working on this for seven months. However, only two months since no contact. I have given up on the idea of plan B. Any adive out there for me?

Well, fofour, first, I am so sorry that you have to be here, but this is where you need to be right now. You have come in a good time too.

I would continue in Plan A. Have absolutely NO EXPECTATIONS from your WW, none. Give as much as you can, and then take breaks to regroup. Do not leave your marital bed, if WW wants to sleep elsewhere, let her. Do not force anything. Make the home a safe place for her, a nice environment. Let life continue on.

My biggest suggestion is to plan outtings with the kids and invite WW. Get outside, do things with the kids around the house, laugh with them, smile with them. WORK ON YOU. You cannot force HER to do or be anything, you must only look at you, work on you.

You are going to be exhausted now and then, so take a break when you must, read, relax, enjoy a sunset. Do not argue, break away from the inevitable tractor beam that a wayward will launch in order to pull you into fights.

Ummmmm, hmmmm, I'm sure there is much more to say, but take it one day at a time. This is but a very small fraction of time, when you look at the grand total of a lifetime, so do it WELL, expend as much energy as you can taking a good hard look at you, for you can only change you.

Don't Plan B unless the affair is ongoing....

That is essentially what I have been doing with the exceptionn that I am struggling to let go! It seems like everything I do makes things worse! My current plan is to just stay home and bond with my four kids and stay out of her way and try to attempt to meet what EN's she let's me meet. It's just so hard! What's really hard is that she just doesn't seem to want to change. She is totally stuck. I suppose it's the fog. Any suggestions?