Ok I have to say. I have been lurking but not posting much. Up until yesterday everything was good here.

I realized that I had to put my defenses down to get what I needed from my DH. I have since done this. However because of this my DH has been out of sorts. I tried to talk to him yesterday, because he had made a few comments through out the day. One was that I am always gone. The other was that when we spend time together I sit across the room.

SO last night I asked him how he felt about us. He said good. I asked him if I were doing anything to make him unhappy. He said no. I said tell me why you said the above things. He said he was just making comments. I said do you think I am gone to much. He said no. Then I asked him what he needed me to change to make him feel better. He said he didn't know. I said I have been gone a lot because I have been trying to keep the kids busy so they won't drive us crazy however if he wants he is always invited and I would love if he came. He said I am always either busy or to tired. I said so would you like it if I stayed home more and he said do whatever you want. I said not if it makes you unhappy. He didn't say anything else about that. So I asked him what he would like me to do while we spend time together. He then again said he didn't know. I said baby I needed you to be honest and open with me. I love you and I don't want to do anything to make you unhappy in/unintentionally. How will I know what makes you feel this way if you won't tell me? He still wouldn't answer me. So I said baby I love you and I know you have a hard to expressing your feelings. However I need you to tell me how you feel about things that are going on around here and the things I do that make you happy and unhappy. Also I need to know how you feel about me. If you think I look nice or the dinner was good to you, etc. I feel very happy when I know I do things that you like and make you happy. I feel very happy and loving towards you when you do this. I feel just the opposite when you don't. He didn't say anything to this either. He just went to sleep.

So this morning after I took the girls to gymnastics. I did a lot of the things for him that he had been meaning to do but hadn't gotten around to. He seemed happy about that. Then after I worked out. I came home and have been here every since.

I had to wash and comb the girls hair because we went swimming. After I got through I said I have been here most of the day are you happy? He said you were gone all morning and since you have been back you have been in the girls hair. Which was true but he was working then and I thought that would be the best time to do that because I didn't want to distrib him. Then while I was cooking dinner he was watching the kids and the baby was messing with the TV. He said Caiden do you want to get in your chair? She said yes. I thought it was cute and funny so I laughed. Just before this happened my second daughter had broken my monogramed glass. When I laughed about the baby he said that's why your glass broke. I said that is very mean. He said what. I said what did you just say. He said oh I said that because you were laughing while I was trying to disipline the baby. I said I didn't laugh at you I laughed at her if you were upset then you should have said don't laugh while I am trying to correct the child. Why would you say something so mean and hurtful? Then he said I can't say anything around here. I said I you can say whatever you want to say however why would you want to say something you know is mean and could possibly hurt someone's feelings? He said well if that's the case I may as well be mute. Then stormed off. He hasn't been back in here since.

What did I do this time?

Can anyone point me in the right direction?

Is there any way you can get a sitter and spend some one on one time with him? Sounds to me like EVERYTHING is getting on his nerves.

Hey Believer how are you doing?

Yes Believer I planned on doing this next week because he will have the week off. However I think maybe this week would be better. DO you think I am doing anything wrong? I don't know what to do at this point.

DIG:

Welcome back!

But this is like the HOTEL California, You can check out, but you can't ever LEAVE.

What happened?

You and him were discussing things from two different places expecting two different answers and not understanding why the thing went off track.

First:

Never ask your H:

"I asked him how he felt about us"
"I were doing anything to make him unhappy"

Because it just puts him on the defensive. Cus he doesn't know the right answer, and the wrong one gets him in trouble. Think about the questions you asked as similar to this question: "Do these pants make my butt look big?"

If you had started with this:

"I said tell me why you said the above things."

As in: "Honey, earlier, you said that I was gone alot? And since I was gone, what did you need me for?"

Then he can give you an answer that he might know the answer too.

He also may not feel in control or has a handle on the family schedule. You know, where you keep track of the kids ballet, piano, soccer, football and school activities. You know these things, in your head, and its on your calendar. Make sure you talk to him about what is coming up tommorrow, the next day after that and next week. A little heads up never hurts, and reminders when you are talking about things doesn't hurt either.

"your gone to much" indicates that to me. He doesn't know what you are doing. Let him know. Call, text, keep him in the loop. Leave time available for him to plan something. Some unstructured time.

Are you getting your 15 hours a week yet?

As for the rest of your conversation, I think your ending summed it up:

"He didn't say anything to this either. He just went to sleep."

After saying things like:

"I know you have a hard to(time)expressing your feelings"
"tell me how you feel about things that are going on around here"
"I need to know how you feel about me."

You need to make it safe for him to say things to you. To have you respond in a manner that allows him to continue to speak and to have his voice heard.

I know that you might have spoken to him for a while during the evening convo and you have distilled most of it to the paragraphs above, and we do not get the nuances and pauses of being there.

But don't you see how you were challenging him on most points. Your topics of conversation are valid, and need to be discused, but you did them in a way that resulted in him always being on the denfensive.

And the first thing you do after returning from all the morning activities is challenge him:

"After I got through I said I have been here most of the day are you happy?"

No he wasn't. And you were not really home. What was he doing? You said he was working. Does he have an office in the home that he needs to do work from? Or was he goofing off on the internet (like I AM!)? Was he doing something around the house? Did you let him know you returned?

"Honey, I'm home! Glad to see you! Want to come out for a swim?"

Then the Glasses/Baby/TV thing was just an exercise in going One-Up on him. Stop.

"But, HE said something MEAN" No, he didn't, he was reacting to a differet set of circumstances. I know more about what happened in that conversation then he does. You had to stop and compose that entire paragraph, just to make him look bad, but in reality, all you had to do was ask him, what was going on? You were going northbound on the track, and he was going southbound. You two crashed. But realize that sometimes, you had your set of facts and are talking to him about that, and he has his set. When you see something like that happening again, stop, count to ten, and then go and look him in the eye and get all the facts together. And reduce the tension.

Remember DIG, we are trying to fix behaviors that have existed for many years before you met him, and the behaviors that have built up between you since you met. It will not happen overnight.

Are you getting your 15 hours a week?

LG

I count this as being OPEN AND HONEST.

He doesn't like to respond when he feels like you are interrogating him, I think.

The point is WHAT he is saying..not HOW and WHEN he is saying it.



So you already knew some things to do to make him happy without him telling or you even asking. Go ahead and DO these things...EVERYDAY, Dig. Make your H your number 1 priority.

15 hours a week of undivided attention...