BR-
Thanks.

I really do not even want to start any R talks with him. Oddly, once my anger was gone towards him, the desire to even talk about our R was gone. It seemed a moot point.

One thing that kept me from talking about it was I had talked to a guy friend of mine (we just see each other in work situations every month or so) and he said to me, "Sadmo, I hate to say it, but if he really wanted to work things out, he would be trying his best, he would be moving the sun, the moon, the stars. He just wants his cake and to eat it too. He does not want to be with you. If you were to ask him right now to come back home and be with you, what would he say?" I said to him, "He would say no." This guy then said, "You have your answer then. You do not need to be confused about him anymore. He does not want to be with you."

This was some months back. And then I started thinking about that. And why was I hoping for him back? Why did I want him back? Was I even happy with him?

My answers? I wanted him back to help me with the kids. To have someone around to do things with if I wanted to do things with him. I was NOT happy with how things had been. I was happier taking myself off of the rollercoaster of "Is this a step forward? Does he still love me?"

Basically it came down to this: If he loved me, he would want to be with me. There was no reason that I should be trying to 'win' him back. He pulled out of the R, not me. If he wanted to work things out with me, he could have. Through MC, or in some way. He chose not to. So WHY was I waiting around for him?

I told him from the get go, if he resigned his lease in July, I would file for a D. That he had had a year to get his mind situated, it was time to move things along. And I stuck by that. I am just going to keep sticking by it. Unless he would do A LOT to show me how HE has changed, how I should even want HIM back. Because right now, I have changed, I am a better person. But I sometimes think am I a better person because he is gone, and the aggravation of having to deal with him is gone? And, unfortunately, I think the answer is yes. So we will see.

Morning, LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> no advice on WH with me...I think that you're doing great! you know what you want and have excellent support...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

you Are awesome!

Just remember, that feelings come and go, and everyone can change their mind, including your husband.

I remember my husband saying to me: "I found out that the grass on the other side of the fence is dead."

I was seperated from my husband 18 months.

I relate to your feelings - because I had truely detached and let go. Talking to him about reconciling was moot - he was who he was.

The ironic thing is, THAT is what brought him back.

I accepted him as he was, and decided that "as he was" was not someone I needed in my life.

There is a world of difference between: "Change to suit me or I'll divorce you" and "You've changed, I no longer want to be with you."

When I got to the latter approach he suddenly decided he wanted to be someone that I wanted in my life.

As long as I was demanding that he change, instead of accepting him as he was, he stayed that nasty person.

When I accepted he was a nasty WS and I wanted better...then HE wanted to BETTER.

So....your husband may have not wanted to be with you in the past.

That doesn't mean he can't change his mind.

Love is a choice, not a feeling.

Well, WH is not who I thought he MIGHT be becoming...

He had told me this whole thing about how he was going to cancel his 'date' with this OW Fri. He did not cancel.

When I questioned him about it, he said that he 'just wanted to go out and have fun'.

So I got kind of annoyed. Why? Because he is still DATING!!!!

So I told him that I did not want to go out with him on Wed. That if he was going to be dating other people, there really was no point.

He got all [email]P@ssy[/email] about it. "what did I think? Did I really think that we were getting back together?"

I told him no, I thought that he had just rethought things, and that since he had said that he did not like dating, he would have canceled. But, no big deal.

So he called me today. To see if I would do something instead with him and the kids tomorrow.

I said OK, for 2 hours, then I was going to do my own thing.

Sigh.

It will all be done, in little over a month, if he agrees to everything....

The thing that hurts is that my older DD misses him SO MUCH right now, and she wants him to spend the night, and see her.... and it makes me feel so sad. For my girls. Sigh.

Sadmo,

Don't you understand that your WH is SOOOO insecure that if he doesn't think he can have you, he needs to be with someone to fill the void. It's just a reflection of how f-ed up he is. Just drop him Steve Harley's number and tell him that if this isn't what he wants, call the number, but he is going to have to do most of the work.

Jim-
Yeah, I do see him as insecure, but he knew he could have had me at any time...

He told me that he does not want to be in a R, he wants to just be able to do what he wants, without the commitment of a R. He just wants to date.

Fine. I actually think that he struggles with the fact that he brought two wonderful girls into the world, and he left to fulfill his own selfish ways.

What can I do though? He is who he is. A lost, selfish person.

I think that he really, really wants me to be "OK" with him, and be friends with him, and he gets scared when he thinks that I am drifting away.

Well, on Wed. when we went out with the girls, WH whips out his divorce papers, and starts out by saying, " I think that you are scr*wing me with this CS."

I told him that if we actually used the CS calculator, he would pay more. Almost $200.00 a month more. He then starts to tell me that he is going to get a lawyer, etc. We were at a 'fun center' the girls were all playing and not by us. I suddenly got mad. I told him, "Look, I put in there what you agreed to... nothing more, nothing less. What is the problem?" He said, "You are being sneaky. I can tell." I said, "you know what? We could have had this conversation on the phone, or anywhere else. Just tell me now what your plan is with everything. Tell me."

So he did not say anything. Then he said, "let's just enjoy our kids like you planned, ok?" I tried. I hid my annoyance as well as I could, then I left after the agreed on time.

So yesterday he came to get the kids for the weekend. I helped get them ready, kissed them goodbye. I look up, and WH is in the doorway. He says, "Come here for a sec." I do, and he says, "I am really sorry I upset you the other day with the whole lawyer talk. How it is written up is fine. I love you and I do not want to ruin our relationship. I am sorry." Then he touched my hand, and left.

I hope he sticks by it.

So that is the latest.

Oh, Sadmo...I'm SOOO sorry that you are dealing with this nut case...he has NO CLUE what he wants...you should go dark to protect yourself...

If you start losing it or feeling weak, please do that for yourself, K?

I know it's hard!!!

{{{{{MO)))))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, WH has been going back and forth.
Yesterday he drops off the kids, and he is all full of self-righteous anger about paying child support.

He has decided that he only wants to watch the kids every second weekend overnight, and the alternate weekends he would like to have entirely to himself (he was watching the kids while I work). He said that it is 'not fair' that he is paying all of this CS, and he watches the kids all of the time. I was like, "You do?" He then told me he knows 'all these guys' that just abandon their kids, and do not pay CS, and he can see the appeal.

I told him that this would be a true testament to his character. He can either abandon his kids, or he can help raise them. He brought them into the world too, so whatever he decided, let me know. He did not say anything. Then he said, "well, of course I am not going to abandon them. But it is so frustrating that when I meet a nice woman, and we are talking, and I tell her that I have an ex-wife and kids, you can just see the interest in me fade! It is not fair!"
He then went on how he has no money because of the 'ridiculous amount' of CS he is paying me, and that is not fair.

So I got mad. I looked at him and I said, "Look, I did not bring these kids into the world to raise by myself. I have offered to let you pay less CS by you taking them for more overnights, it would reduce your CS a lot. You have said no, you did not want to. You are complaining to me that women do not seem interested in you after you tell them about your kids, and your wife... I am NOT your EX yet...You think that I am getting too much. You are paying me CS to take care of our kids 24/7 12 days out of 14. That includes clothes, doctors visits, taking them to and from sitters, waking up with them if they are sick, etc. I am SORRY that you resent the fact that you brought two kids into the world, and that you thought that I would just let you walk away. NOT going to happen. I thought you had a lot more integrity than that!

This was met by silence.

Then he said, "look, I am struggling here. Can't you understand that at all?"

I just looked at him and said, "Look, I was struggling too. I dealt with it with no help from you. I do not know what to tell you."

He left.

I now am getting very nervous about this whole D. I think that he is going to pull a fast one. Sigh. One more month.

Whah Whaah Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, so I guess you got pregnant all by your self huh?

Maybe the women he meet loses interest, because they hear the disdain in his voice when he whines, did he ever think of that, he seems to want his freedom, but not what thr cost of that freedom.

your soon to be ex is an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SS-
I even said to him something along those lines, like, "did you not think what the consequences of leaving your family would be? Why would you think that you would be able to leave, and have no obligations anymore???"

He amazes me more and more everyday... but not in a good way. LOL!

AH, two peas in a pod...your's and mine!!!

It's alien abduction I tell YOU!!!

I just love the word intregity! I was on the phone with my stepmom one night well before I left, and I was trying to see if she was going to be home b/c I was going to take the kids with me and go visit...

Well, WH asked me who I was "yelling" at...I don't recall yelling...anyway, I told him "someone with no intregity!" My SM laughed and said that she couldn't believe I had told him that!

:shrugging:

The consequences will hit them when they least expect it...I tell you to go for the gold...why should you make it comfortable for him...

Look at your D as a business...you ARE IN THE BUSINESS of PROTECTING those girls...two years from now, is that CS goign to be enough? You have to protect yourself as well as them...this is not a matter of "being nice", this is a matter of securing "your family's future"...without him...

((((SAD)))))

I understand and feel your anger and pain...but you ARE doing great...Keep your chin up!

Hello Rin!!

It is a matter of securing our future... without him. He was trying to get me to agree to not have wage withholding with the CS. I was going to do it, since he has been paying me... then he made the comment, "SO if I happen to not have money to pay my bills, and the CS comes directly out of my check, then I will bounce bills... I would rather be able to work something out with you...."

All I could think was, yeah, and that something will be that I do not get any CS!! I don't think so!

Since he is so worried about money, I even offered for him to help me out a little with things that need to be done around the house (the fence needs to be painted, the deck needs painting, etc.) and I would generously deduct from his CS. His reply, "Oh, I don't know about that. I am not always going to be on your beck and call."

And I was left to scratch my head, thinking, this was about doing things NOW since he is so broke (because he cannot manage money worth a dime) and I thought it would help both of us out... not for a year from now. So be it. He obviously does not want money that bad...

This weekend he had the kids, and I did not feel like doing anything social. I have been going out with friends and family, but I just felt like staying in. SO I did. And I think that WH was MAD. He called and was like, "I have the kids and you are not even going to do anything? Go out!" I told him I had a book I wanted to read, I was fine. He kept trying to get me to go out. I got the distinct impression that he felt 'cheated' that he could not go out and do whatever he does when ALL I WAS DOING WAS RELAXING. LOL!

I am glad that I am in a place that I know when I want to go out, when I want to stay in, when I want to do something. I am not driven by the urge to 'go out' just because I have to fill some hole in my life. My life is good and full. I was nice to stay home and relax.

I am thinking positive, that all will go ok in the next month. That is all I can do for now.

What I do not understand with this picture is that he IS living by himself, yet is broke all the time while your are supporting your two kids and yourself and seem to be doing ok.

Tell him to check out A&E on sunday mornings, Big Spender®, where Larry take to task people who live beyond there means.

Does he knows how CS works it he spends less time with the kids does he not have to pay you more, because they would be with you more or in a child minder company so that would mean both him and you spending more mola.

Sadmo,

You should go to plan B and hit him for the FULL calculated amount that you could get deducted directly out of his paycheck. Don't take his calls, don't allow him in your house, just ignore him. In your plan B note, I would give him everything you would want out of him to take him back, give him Steve Harley's number, and let him work out his own problems before you concern yourself with him ever again. Right now he is fluctuating on whether or not he wants to get divorced and he is trying to control you. Plan B is the ULTIMATE assertion of control. Do it for yourself, your children and him. Don't play his games any more. It just kills whatever feelings you still have for the man. The way you and him are going about things is the exact recipe for a bitter divorce. You need to cut the cord immediately.

I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH JIM!!!

I fully agree with Jim. YOU are allowing this behavior to continue IN your presence. He's a mess! Let him do it ALL alone, every last bit.

I got similar complaints from PWC (only about money--he NEVER said he could see how abandoning his kids was at all good). I didn't understand it either; especially since, after a D, he didn't have to pay any alimony (to cover the mortgage) because we would have settled all of that; he was only in for CS at that point.

I think some people just think the world is against them, instead of recognizing that they are the cause of their own pain, and demise. Bunch o' loons!

This explains POWS...my boss was the first to point out the attitude!

Crying shame!

Jim, Rin, SS, SL-

Thanks. The thing is, I do not want him back. I really don't. I am the real me, the normal me, for the first time in a few years. I was an unhappy, unfulfilled, feeling unloved, unappreciated, you get the picture... wife for the last year and a half of our M. Over the past several months, maybe longer, I feel happier, more joy, love, etc. than I have felt in years. For real. I do not have to deal with my irresponsible WH on a day to day basis. I do not have any expectations where it comes to him (in regards to me).

I do not think that he is able to fulfill MY EN's. Not at all. Not since the kids came along. He wanted to run away from responsibility, I have a knack for being responsible... which worked fine for us, until kids came along. Then he HAD to be more responsible.

The thing is, his M.O. is to get me in a seething rage, where I can liquefy you with a mere glance... and I do not get that way. Yes, I get upset. But even with the whole CS thing, I did not yell, did not raise my voice. Made my point with words, and let it go. Done. The new/old Mo.

I do not think that cutting him off with a plan b NOW, with his past history, would be beneficial to me in regards to the D. He has a habit of if he does not get what he wants (which right now is for me to be friendly and cool with him) then he does vindictive things. Very, VERY PA. So I really think that it would be best for the next month, until this is all amicably settled (HOPEFULLY!!!) that I stay my course. Not call him, not seek him out, be nice, not talk about 'unpleasant' things. So he will not want to be mean.

But after the D, if I decide that I do not want to talk to him, I won't. If I don't want to see him, I won't. I really think that, since I do not want to reconcile with him, do not think that I would be ABLE to, that it is best for me to grin and bear it for now.

And, I am able to.

And what is funny is that I really and truly think that he just blamed me for everything, and now I am out of the picture, he is in the same boat, EXACT same boat as when I met him 11 years ago (bills up the ying-yang, little house, dirty house, not eating well), that he suddenly is like, "WHOA. If it was not her, then how does this happen???" He STILL has not put two and two together. Silly fool!

I've just been going by what you have been posting. Generally, you DO discuss how your WH is being 'his old self' and how 'weird' that is to you. You go on DATES with him, and DO talk of your dissapointment when he says something fogged out. I'm just a reader here, so I can only go by what you post.

Yes, you do post about your dissapointment with him, with the children, AND with you, how much you disrespect him, look at him as a sorry slob, etc and so on.

Now, if you have to play nice to get what you want (and consider your WH may STILL try to nail you to the floor) then so be it. That does not mean that you need to go on dates with him, solo, without the kids. You do not need to listen when he starts boo hooin'. I think you may be enabling his behavior. AND, if you do want a divorce, unless you want to be buddies, you are sending your WH the wrong signal. I don't know very many divorced people who spend time together, socially, EXCEPT, when strictly for the children, and then, only on special occassions.

Why not try letting all of his time with the kids, be his alone, and you do the same?