Sadmo,

As long as you keep yourself in the picture, he'll continue to blame you for everything. You'll also continue to be drug along on this rollercoaster as long as you keep in touch with him, and you two will wind up HATING each other. Separate yourself from the drama. Let him learn his lessons on his own. Who knows, he may finally get it and you may want to get back with him eventually. But they way you are going about things now isn't doing anybody any favors. It confuses the kids, it continues to enable his bad behavior, you continue to get sucked into the drama, and you both build up more resentment for each other. You need to cut off all unnecessary contact with him for your own healing (and hopefully his as well) and let your lawyer handle the divorce and get everything owed to you (and more). Let him blame your lawyer, not you. And even if he does, you're shielded from it.

SL-
I am not going on 'dates' with him... I asked him to go out to dinner with me one night, we went. He asked me out, I then changed my mind. I do not want to be one on a long string of women. No, I do not want that.

He usually has the kids by himself. Last week was a rare occasion that we did anything together with the kids. It then ended up being them playing, and us talking about the D.

He had this fantasy that we would get a D, we would be great friends, all would be well. I want to give him the impression that all is going to be well. Maybe I will be cool with him after it is all said and done, maybe I won't be... I just won't be living in fear that he is going to take the equity of the house, or he is going to wipe me out financially. He has, in the past, threatened these things, but once I let go of all of my anger, and just was with him... he stopped bringing it up, said he would give me the house, etc. So I do not see any harm in being his 'buddy' right now. It may benefit me in the long run.

The D IS going to happen. So I do not see what the big thing is if I listen to him ramble about CS, or his silly fantasies about how wonderful his life WAS going to be... I think that it is finally hitting him.

Jim- I see what you are saying. But in all honestly, I feel removed from the situation. I am not on an emotional rollercoaster like I was... I am not sobbing one minute, depressed as heck the next, scrambling to do something, anything that will have him consider coming back with me. It would have been one thing if SOMEWHERE along this journey, he said, "I want to be with you." But he never did. So I can either sit back, swallow my pride, and wait....and wait... for him to come back, or I can say, "ok, he does not want to be with me, time to gather myself up, and be done with it."

Do you know what I mean?

But the thing is, he has, the WHOLE time been reveling in the fact that he has FREEDOM... FREEDOM from responsibility, from me, the kids... He is one of those commitment-phobe people that wants to never grow up. I seriously cannot wait for him to be someone that he is not.

I have accepted that.

Am I disappointed? Yes, sometimes.

Am I sad? Sometimes. Not much anymore though.

Am I happier? Yes. And I am more content. I do not have to question what is going on anymore.

Am I sad the M failed? Yes and No. It takes two to tango, and WH did not want to resolve any issues. He still does not want to. So it does not make me so sad.

Do I love him? Yes. And I probably always will have some amount of love for him. IN LOVE love? No. A caring love. One that wishes him no harm. That he be a good person. That he helps raise our kids with a great set of values.

If I had found this site BEFORE he moved out, BEFORE it got so bad... maybe things would be different. But it is what it is. I want to just go forward, start my life in this direction, wherever it will take me. I am strong, I am able to do this on my own, and it will be ok.

I don't know. I just kind of got to the place that I would rather just get along, than try to work things out. I do not know if I could handle a recovery where he was standoffish, or cold, or distant. I would not be able to do it. I know I would not be able to. I would get angry all again. I know this, I do NOT want to live in that place again: anger, confusion, hurt, sadness...

I have risen from the ashes, and I am rising more and more. I am not a proponent for D. I really am not. A year, 6 months ago, I would have done anything to save my M. But, WH decided to fully move on. Why shouldn't I too? I have not had a R or anything, but I have moved from our R, and figuring him in the equation. Which I think is a great thing.

I am not looking to save my M anymore. I just kind of rant here to vent. In a safe environment.

Hey- I took a breather for a little bit.

Sadmo.... stop asking him out (YES YOU DID, I READ IT! *grin*) and stop going out with him as a family. You may feel the need to coddle him to get what you want, but the MAJOR problem I see here is this interaction with your husband is NOT postivite for YOU. He's getting his needs met, let me assure you, but we can see the stress it is causing you (no matter how much you deny it) and that is why so many of us are asking you to please go dark.

It chaps my hide that your WH can play this push-pull game with you and STILL hasn't felt the full impact of what he has done because he still gets his ENs he needs from you. It borders on abusive (in my eyes) and I'm terribly disappointed that you are so scared of him that you continue this twisted dance. He is pushing all your buttons and getting what HE wants (which is a Sadmo that eventually gives in to his wishes or at least compromises for them) and you get nothing but stress!

MOJO!
I know I asked him out, I did not say date! I just wanted to eat a steak!!!

I will admit, I did think, well, maybe this won't be so bad if we get along, and are buddy buddy.

I am not scared of him, I AM scared of being [email]scr@wed[/email] financially... it is one of MY EN's. Before I was being normal with him, he was telling me he was going to get this and that, and I was horrified!! I went to the Lawyer and he said that WH potentially could get MORE than that even if he pushes it.... I was deeply, deeply upset.

One of my top needs is financial security. I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS been good with my money. The thought of not having MY money, MY security was a lot to take. We had put 20% down on the house I live in, most of that was MY money (he had a lot of debt he was paying off, and I made more at that time).

The thing that stresses me, in all honesty, is waiting for this D to be done. I will also be honest. I feel like I am playing a bit of a game too... to ensure that I do not get hurt (financially). It is worth it to me, if I can get my financial security, and be good with it. Do you know what I mean?

I really do not want him back as a H. I don't. I do not think that I could ever trust him.

As for the dance, the dance has changed a bit... I do not react the way he thinks I will (like with the CS- he wanted me to yell and scream, so he could justify going to a lawyer, to fight me... he is unmotivated to do so.) He wants to see me get upset, but I am not letting him see me upset. He wants the old Mo to be there... angry, bitter, mean. But, I am the normal Mo, the person that I used to be.

I honestly, honestly, am in a good place. I will be in a much better place when the D is over. Then I will be in a better place for ME. If I decide to go dark then, I will. I will have from him what I want... which is my financial security. Which is all I want from him now.

Do you know what I mean?

I know we are still in a bit of a push pull, I will admit that I feel sorry for him sometimes. The difference is, I am not volunteering to meet his needs, I am not there, taking care of things for him (like his financial mess).

He will feel the full impact. He will. Once the D is final, and it is over, and all. Whenever I start dating, which I am not ready for yet, he will feel it. It will hit him. Just not yet completely. It will though. When he sees me moving on. It is starting to hit him now.

I really do not think that now is the time to cut him off. I do not obsess about him, I do not run to my phone hoping he will call, I do not sit around crying about him. I have accepted it, and I am trying to make the best out of it.

There are things that I like about not being with him, and how I am better now:
I lost a nice amount of weight- I no longer eat emotionally

I do not feel 'empty' and depressed- wondering WHAT is going on with him- why won't he try, etc.

I have re-established my friendships with my good friends that I had before I had kids ( I then took care of the kids and worked... WH used the weekends as HIS time to go out, therefore I lost contact with my friends except for once in a while)

I do not have to worry about saying the 'wrong thing' or annoying him, so that he can justify going out.

I do not have to pick up after him.

I do not have to beg him to help me around the house.

I can watch TV when I am going to bed, and he can't complain

I do not have to wake up 1000 times a night to his snoring

I do not feel compelled to 'try to make him happy' so that maybe, just maybe he will return the favor to me.

I do not have to make dinner every night if I don't feel like it... pizza, mac and cheese is fine too.

I do not have the urge to 'talk' to him about our problems, and he would ignore me. He would literally just walk away, if it was night, he would go to bed. Like I was not saying a thing. Which drove me to fury.

He is VERY passive aggressive. I do not have to deal with that on a day to day basis.

So really, a lot, LOT of stress is gone.

I feel that what I deal with now is totally manageable for me. For real. I am compromising with him in some things. But others, more important things, no I am not. Like he does not want the CS to come directly out of his check. But I am sticking firm to that. He has paid me so far, but whose to say if he hooks up with a new chick, that he will still pay me? He will try to give me a sob story, and get me to not take the whole CS payment. This way, it will be mine. I will not have to listen to his story if he can't pay. It will be guaranteed.

Right now, mine and my girls financial security is at the top of my list. And if I have to be nice to him to get it, I will.

I do hear you all, I do. But I am really ok. I am not sitting here hoping for a different outcome. It will be a D. I have decided that that is what is best for me. If I were hoping for a reconciliation, I may have done the plan B. The thing is is I WAS really really unhappy for a long time. I am not unhappy anymore. When the going got tough in our M, I saw the commitment that my H had to fix things. I saw how much our M was worth it to him. Zero commitment, zero worth. You know?

I fear I babbled. I just felt the need to explain myself a little better...

I totally understand where you are coming from, Sadmo. Yes, I honestly get it.

Like I said, for me personally, I hate that he benefits from this situation. Ya know?

Please do stay firm to the CS situation you are asking for... its infuriating that he is even bitching about it! Don't let him use that push-pull to get you to bend even a little bit. Your kids have an awesome advocate in you and I just worry a little bit about him working you on that end. I agree, that CS shold come directly from his check. Trusting the untrustworthy is insanity.

OMG, I was reading the list and thinking is she writing about me!! LMAO...

Way to GO!!!

I'm looking forward to havig the WHOLE closet to myself...LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mojo- Thanks... I AM standing firm on the CS decision. I am not going to bend. That will be MY hill to die on! LOL!
I know that HE is benefiting from me, my kindness, my willingness to just let it all go... But, I am benefiting too... I get to be with my DD's most of the time, I am there for them. My oldest (Who just turned 5!!!) is ALREADY catching on to this. Amazing how much they know.

Rin-
I have a walk-in closet that he had half of. He left, I moved my pathetic amount of clothes around, to make it look full. I lost weight, I bought new clothes, I got rid of clothes. But it is so nice to have ALL that space!

Funny story... He had one dresser, I had another. I just have things on top of his old dresser, and a while back I thought, "hey, why don't I USE his dresser?" So I put a bunch of my work clothes in it. I was off for two days. I went to get dressed for work. NO WORK CLOTHES. I go in the laundry area. NO, not there. I look in the laundry basket. Not there. I look in my closet. Nope.... I finally, finally, remembered after at least 15 minutes of frantic wondering what happened to all of my work pants that I had put them in the dresser! It made me laugh that I had forgotten so soon!

Today was my DD's b-day party. I did invite WH, she wanted him here, and I figured that I could deal with it fine. I did. He showed up 2 hours early... why, you may wonder? It was because he THOUGHT I told him it was at 4, when it was at 6. So I just continued to get ready, cooking, cleaning. I then took the girls to get balloons from the party store, just told him we were leaving. We came back. Everyone showed up, and my family, except my dad, gave him the COLD, COLD shoulder. I almost, ALMOST, felt bad for him.

So I was finishing up some stuff, and by the stove, and he was leaning against the counter, and he stretches out his arms in my direction. He used to do this, we would then hug, and he would tell me what a good cook I was or something... So I just stood my ground, and he goes, "fine... I will come to you." I held up a spoon, and I said, "Now, if one of the girls that you were dating were standing right there (and I pointed to the table where a bunch of people were sitting) would you want to hug me?" And he looked upset. Then he said of course he would. I told him, well, I am sorry, I did not need a hug. He looked hurt.

But I realized what he was doing. He was getting the ice wall from my family, and his family, and he thought he would get them to thaw by giving them the wrong idea... like we were working on things. Sorry. Not going to play that game.

So, he basically sat in relative silence, played with the kids, and soon after the gifts were opened, he left. It was kind of sad to me. Family is SO important to me. If I were him, I would have been crushed that I was iced out. But, while I feel he was uncomfortable, he was eager just to leave, to be with his friends, his single life. Bye!!!!

I honestly can say, the only sadness I felt today was when my D said, "Is great-grandpa coming?" Then she saw the look on my face and said, "Oh, I forgot he is dead."
I kept remembering him, and how he would sit, and watch, and just enjoy the kids, and the family. I miss him. But, when everyone got here, it was better.

On a side note, me and one of my friends are going to Las Vegas next week for 3 days! YAY! I cannot wait! We are going to have lot of fun. I was never there, neither was she, so it will be great for both of us.

Life does go on, and I am going on, so that is good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...that's funny...work clothes...COOL!

Well, sounds like everything is good in the MO world! It is very sad...that he still feels that he has to put on a show for everyone...they are both sad...him and POWS...

Bad choices will catch up to them...I don't get to see POWS' choices and how they are affecting him, just have to have faith that they are...

I'm looking forward to hearing about your trip! Sounds like fun!

Have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin-
I know, my WH's choices are hitting him, and I do get to see it affect him. Like how he has no money, how he really does miss the kids. I know that it affected him that he was froze out yesterday. He called me 4 times today on my cell phone. I do not think that he ever called me that many times in a LONG LONG time. I did not have my phone with me, so I did not answer. He called tonight to tell the kids goodnight, and I could tell he wanted to talk to me too. But, I was getting them ready for bed, and we do have our routine. Plus, what does he have to say anyway? I really think that it is bothering him that I am the same old Mo I used to be. That I have my family, and a lot of his family, still in my life. This is the way I envisioned it a little at least: My kids knowing their family, and doing family things together. I at least can provide that for them. I will be the stability, the responsible one, the main one around them. I will not live with regrets that I walked away from them. I am grateful for that.

I am very excited about my trip! It should be a lot of fun! No peeing off mountains for me, but still fun. LOL!

LMAO...I talked to my MIL for the first time tonight since we left...I was a little uncomfortable, not wanting to talk about POWS...

We didn't, but L did bring up being sick, and that started a conversation with her and I about POWS giving a double dose of meds...the dr. visit this past week and me letting her know that he was fine now...

She asked how it had affected him so I told her...I was just a little uncomfortable, wondering why I even mentioned the double dose...I was kicking myself, thinking "great, she'll go back and tell POWS!"

Thinking the worst really...but she may not say a word...it was just weird...B/C I WANT them in my life...thet're good people and I will miss them...I don't know maybe it will be different later on when the custody thing it over and they get to see what POWS is doing...I don't know, maybe they see now for all I know...

It's just a hard hit for me with them...a great lose...

LMAO...guess I should have wrote thaton my thread! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin-

"work clothes" = dress clothes.... I am in management... my 'non work' clothes consist of jeans and a nice shirt.... and MAYBE... if I am feeling spunky, a REALLY NICE shirt LMAO!!!

I know how you feel with in laws.... I am REALLY, REALLY, blessed with a wonderful MIL that I try NOT to bother, but who loves me (For REAL) and who loves my kids, and would do anything for us. It is awkward sometimes with her, but she is so full of wisdom. She was the one that told me to not harbor any anger towards WH, that it would only hurt me in the long run. She was the one that said that she would do anything to help me... but she is not MY mom, I did not want to impose.

She is a remarkable woman. I am lucky to have her in my life. And my kids lives. She loves them too.

And you know WHY you told him about the double dose (the same reason that I may have told her!) to let her know that he is not doing the job he should.... And he isn't.

There are 3 more weeks until the D can be final. 3 more weeks. How fast time flies.

My WH called, and wanted to know 'when I would be ready to date other men". I told him the truth: When I was ready to, and it was someone that really struck my fancy, I would. I also told him that when that time came, that it would not be any of his business... There is nothing more to say.

It is amazing... I really, REALLY, think that he is stressing because I am not coming after him. That I have told him I had enough, I was done. I think he is incredulous that I am OK on my own... and he is dating, just to date....The funny thing in this is that he used to always say that I was the one that always needed someone. But I am ok on my own... and I think that he is like "Wow. She is not a mess anymore????"

In a week.... I will be in LAS VEGAS BABY!!!! I cannot wait!!!!!!!

WHAT?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Throw the question back with a 'why do U want to know?'....wait...that maybe too hard for a WS to answer.... ok try something more like....'when I am good and ready. You have really made it difficult to trust the male specie, so it will take awhile... don't worry, it'll happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> '

LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid-
I know.
I am thinking that I may have problems trusting other men. But I am not ready to date or anything yet. I have a full plate right now: kids, work, house stuff, friends, pets.... I really do not even know how I would fit DATING into all of that.
But that is fine with me for now... I am ok!

I did tell him that when it was someone that I am WANTING to date, I would... I have had offers, but I am just not wanting, nor willing as of yet.

Thanks L!

LMAO...well, be sure to pick you up some Goddess wear while you are there! LMAO...you know to have REALLY REALLY REALLY nice shirt!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yep, I have always called MIL Mom...even called her that when I said goodbye...MOF, I think that I will email her this morning and let her know that it was L that needs the shot and not F...that was confusing!

Well, God speed to you and best wishes...talk to you soon! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So now I guess that normal, serene Mo is not good for WH.
He is trying to pick fights with me. He called me today, and said that he is tired of me 'judging him, and criticizing him'. I asked him HOW I have done this... he comes back with some situation that happened A LONG LONG time ago... Basically, I was not judging, NOR criticizing, just jumping to conclusions. Because he would not answer a simple question.

So I asked his where this is coming from. He told me that he is sick of me implying that he is a bad father. (????) I told him that I do not think he is a bad father, what is he talking about?

He was TRYING, TRYING, to suck me into a rage, where I get all mad at him. I am past it. I am done with that. But why??? Why does he want me to be upset with him? It is so stupid.

He told me that I am 'judgmental, critical, and a gossip", that would "drive anyone one away'> I asked him how? He said that I know that I am. So I said, "well, I guess I will stoop down to your level. I think that you are selfish, uncaring, and a gossip. The only difference is, is that I can back up what I say. I do not want to be mean here, but why are you attacking me? I can easily attack you back. I do not want to do this anymore."

This was met by him saying, "I am DONE! I am DONE with this conversation!" I said, "Fine, do your little hang up routine, make yourself feel better." So he got mad. I told him, "Look, I just want to get along, you say you want to get along, fine. Let us just get along. If you want to make yourself feel better by saying I am a bad person, fine. Do it. I cannot stop you. Think what you want. I know who I am, what I am."

This was met by, "And I know YOU too! Goodbye!" CLICK!

WTF?

Sept. 17th, if all goes well, we will be D'd. I cannot wait. I will admit, I feel compelled to be nice to him so far...but it is getting old. Once everything is settled, it will be done. I can hardly wait.

*snicker*

I love it when the waywards spin in their little cesspool.

Ahhhh, I just had to vent earlier. I once in a while get wrapped up in the "whys" and that is not a good thing to do.

I picked up the girls from his house tonight, and he informs me that he going to take the girls from Friday night until Mon. night. I told him that I would like to have the girls earlier on Mon... he told me that he wants to spend time with them. Which I would normally be fine with, but I am going to go on my trip on Tues. morning, and I would like to spend time with my girls before I go!

So he AGAIN accuses me of not thinking that he is a good Dad. I told him, again, that I did not say that, just listen to WHAT I am saying... It does not matter. There is no talking to him. He helps me get the kids in the car, then he goes to get something for one of the girls out of his house, he hands it to me, and tells me, "Well, I want to relax and watch the Cubs game, just let me to that. I am sick of you judging me. Goodnight!"

And he slams the door.

He was SO desperate for me to make a scene, to get all upset.

I really wish that he was not this way.

But, on a bright note, my DD painted a bunch of pictures for me, and 'everyone' she knows. So I told her how to spell everyone's names on their pictures. My younger D said, "Mommy, don't be sad... I get you candy." It made me laugh. My little precious angels.

I feel bad sometimes, like I am always at work, and that I do not spend enough quality time with them. I have been trying to do the one day a week that we just have fun, but work has been demanding, and I have been having to go in on one of my off days for the past few weeks for a few hours. I wanted to spend tomorrow going to the water park, now it is not going to be hot out, and WH is going to have them the weekend, and I am sure that he will pull something so that he can 'have' them on Mon. (not that that has mattered to him at all in the past- to have them for his holidays off), because I am going to Vegas on Tues. (my Dad warned me that he would do this, I did not think he would!)

I just want my DD's to grow up happy and healthy... I want them to know what family and love is. I want them to know that their family loves them. I am not going to talk bad about their dad, I want them to know and respect him. He is their father. And if that is all that he did for me (give my my girls) that is fine. I would not have them if it were not for him.

I am already missing my girls, and I am not gone yet!

just another stream of thought typing by sadmo....

Tell him to stop projecting him thoughts of himself onto you...that should make him happy! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Suggest IC!!! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He must be feeling "fallout" from somewhere... Either it's you not chasing him or someone said something to him.

Either way, it's his to own. You are wise to continue like you are and not worry about him.

Why do you think we keep recommending plan B? So you can distance yourself from this madness, and he won't be able to blame you for all his problems anymore. Why are you done with him and ready to move on? Because you keep subjecting yourself to this when you don't have to. Plan B is sorry @ss.