Dear Pep, I just want to “acknowledge” the response you send to me yesterday on the locked thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (I wanted to respond to you there this morning, but I see it’s locked now).

Yes Pep, I did experience this a few times with one specific poster (the poster wanted to know how to get out of an EA and out of the fog. She was defensive & offended about some of the things I’ve said to her while I've thought I talked to her in the most caring and emphatic way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />). Anyway, eventually this poster stopped posting and disappeared from the boards. Sometimes I still wonder about this poster...if she has ever taken the steps to start to recover herself and her M...but the fact that she has never returned here indicate to me that she has probably not... But I still hope it's not the case.

I'm sometimes too concerned about not “hurting” the feelings of others that will probably make them act defensive. I know you have not said that I’m too concerned about this Pep, but I think I sometimes am and that’s not always a good thing…especially when I need to be more “blunt” or “direct” with a person who don’t “get” it and needs a “wake up call”.

Pep, I think my concern to not make others feel defensive or hurt their feelings stems from my own personal issues... Yesterday on Mel’s “Self Inventory” thread I’ve posted about these issues. One of the things I’ve said is that I’m too defensive sometimes and most of the time I’m not even aware of this instinctive tendency. However, I’m more consciously aware of this tendency now and try to avoid it. Just Learning has pointed this out to me on my thread In Recovery but before that, my H has also pointed it out to me on a few occasions...also how I’m sometimes too overly sensitive and then tend to take things too personally and make my own negative conclusions/assumptions (disrespectful judgments) about things. As a result of this my H had become passive aggressive and conflict avoiding towards me. I/we are currently working on these issues and have started to make some progress.

Hmmm…I struggle very much with this one… If attacks are directed my way or if I feel I’m falsely accused of something (DJ), I get very upset & angry and then act defensive and become a person I don’t like… And I know I should not do that and I hate these behaviors in myself. Therefore Pep, your approach e.g. to not become defensive and simply turn attention elsewhere is indeed the best one IMO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Suzet,

I hope I am not intruding but I used to get offended. Not as much anymore. I must be getting old and tough like the soles of my feet. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I consider the source. If the source is jumping to the wrong conclusions, my choice is to find out why, if I can help straighten out the misunderstanding or just leave it be.

Sometimes people want to complain and NOT hear the truth. I recall a few years ago, I met a lady who insisted on believing a false statement. Since I had 1st hand knowledge of that info, I asked if she really wanted to hear the truth. She said yes and allowed me to give a brief explanation. I thanked her and that was it....for 2 years. 2 years later I happened to once again be out her way. I was with another friend and this lady once again babbled the same line she had with me 2 years prior. Talk about patience. My friend had no idea we knew each other, so I let my friend finish her presentation. The lady babble the same line again. This time I stepped out from behind and removed my glasses. The lady recognized me. I politely asked how she was doing and she kindly replied. Then I asked if she recalled our last discussion. She did. I asked why did she choose to continue to pass on incorrect information? She couldn't give a good answer. She began to fidgit and I asked if it was a bad time to speak with her. She said no. I then asked if she would like it if I treated her the same as she had myself and my friend. The wrong information was regarding something very dear to my heart.

She gave an emphatic NO. Then I asked, did you know you are deliberately doing this to me? She said yes. I asked if she was ok with it and she said no. I then asked if she would continue to do so and she said she would try not to.

Now I know I have no control over her but that interaction, that dialogue will be in both our minds for a long time. It has been over 20 years and I still recall it quite vividly.

The point to my story is I say what I need to say, the best way I know how (of course there c/b improvement but let's not go to that detail on such a general thread as this one - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). Then I let it go.

You know I sleep better now? I worry a bit because I care but I don't lose sleep over it. I fix and help where and when I can and I am ok with it.

I am hoping the loving and helpful group here does the same. I know many spend lots of time posting and helping. While some acknowledge the help, others think we s/b on call 24/7. Well I work because I am not independently wealthy and even if I was, I wouldn't be here 24/7. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still we help when we can. I live farther out than most so I tend to watch over the 'graveyard shift'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BK, then Bob and company show up around the same time....then the eastern seaboard pops in before I turn in.

You know even Mel shows up early to post. She is one trooper. Even with all that time she has to spend on her big hairdo, she still finds time to post a rant or 2. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding Mel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So I hope we don't wear your down Suzet. Pep, BR, Ark and others are also troopers who I have seen work some miracles. Let's not forget the boys like JL, 2L, Bob, WAT, Lemonman, and many others....... they really saved lives.

Makes it worth surviving over the rough bumps.

What I found is some grumble, learn and grow. Some grumble and stay in the same place. But MB is a moving place. There's no real standing still here. So if you don't move forward, you will eventually be left behind.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid, of course you’ve not “intruded”. Your post was very welcome and I always appreciate your thoughts, thanks for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

NS: That story you’ve posted - I think you’ve handled your interaction with that lady very well. You were so polite and in control during that dialogue – it’s admirable! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If I was her, I would have felt extremely ashamed of myself and my behavior (I hope she did!)

I tend to watch over the 'graveyard shift'.

You held my broken hand night after night almost to the day three years ago Orchid.

I will never forget that. Thank you. You ARE the MB night-shift. And RB queen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please indulge me one more time..... I recall Bob & I tag teaming to help a few MBers sometime last year. Eh Bob? We made a pretty good team!! I recall a bit with BK also a while back and of course out here in the islands we have our buddy S&C. He doesn't post much but he has spent many a wee hour helping a few of the MBers.

Not bragging though, just acknowledging.

Suz, there's a lot of MB warriors here. U R 1 2!!! I can't post that way as well as 2L does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

O

I think, I helped (in my own SILLY way) to get your other thread locked .... so puhLeeeeze, " you, intrude?" ~~~> NEVVA think that !

Did you get my email?

Suzet*

Use this forum to "practice" the skill you wish to improve (whatever it might be)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi did that, and she's really made huge strides in her ability to stay and fight and not run off

(kudos Mimi)

this one is simple to work on:

"falsly accused" .... means you are not whatever they think/said you are

One of the things I have been accused of over the years is this:

"You are a bitter BW."

Honestly, I got rid of bitter years ago (more than 7, I'd have to say)

so this accusation to my ears sounds about as accurate as:

"You are a flowerpot."

Now why would I ever waste my precious minutes of my joyful life argueing that I am not a flowerpot?

So once someone makes it evident they think I am a "flowerpot" .... it is just a simple matter of turning it over in my mind:

"AM I a flowerpot? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw. I am not."

and that is the end of it

why waste MY time with something/someone as unimaginative/unobservant as THAT?

So, when you think you have been DJ'd

search for any kernel of truth/fact

use THAT (if there is one) to make a change in yourself

but toss out any "flowerpot" accusations ... and just say:

"Thanks for your opinion."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am giving away trade secrets today

and Suzet

if someone thinks YOU are a "flowerpot" .... do you REALLY care what the heck they think about you?

Their opinion of you is not your business.

Suzet*

one more trade secret

sometimes I am tempted to return-serve a DJ right back ~~~> square at someone's head ...

I don't really want to do this, but it can happen reflex-like for me ... (I am quick witted yanno)

so, what I do on this forum is:

I put them on "ignore this user"

more to protect them than myself

I have ONE poster on ignore right now, because I am waaaaaaaaaay too tempted to sling some crap ... better for that poster I just ignore him/her

Suzet

Here is something you might take a kernel from

or not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I sometimes do not reply to you in my "natural voice" because you often don't GET my humor ( I AM funny - dammit! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)

and I think my sense of humor confuses you

and I was thinking ...

this might be a culteral difference

where you live, I imagine you need to walk carefully when it comes to humor

true or not?

I had a similar thought last night about where Suz lives, Pep.

Suzet,

I was thinking also last night that you seem to have a lot of blessings (knowing I cannot know someone's internal pain)...you have a great husband, a good job, you are pretty, and interested in life and people. And sure you made some mistakes, but who the heck hasn't.

Do you think that possibly you don't think you deserve to have so much going for you?

My thoughts are: enjoy yourself, enjoy your life, enjoy your beauty and your successes. You have a right to be happy and to have all that you have. You really do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Actually you remind me of a girlfriend who can't seem to lighten up and is terribly hard on herself, so that is where I am drawing my conclusions from partly. Forgive me if I am way off base.

Yes, you do indeed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks Pep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know this is the best strategy to “handle” untrue “flowerpot” accusations Pep (ignoring a poster is another option), but it’s just so damn difficult (self control) for me to do this and restrain myself from reacting defensive or negatively when this happens! (Argh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) However, as you have suggested, I think this skill is something I can start “practicing” on this forum should it becomes necessary in future.

I am really getting a lot out of this conversation....I think Suzet and I are a lot alike in many ways!

Weaver, that sounds like me. I guess I fear that believing I am worth a good life seems somehow arrogant. Where the heck did that come from?

I especially love the conversation Orchid had with that lady...I wish I could think that quickly, or at least learn how to do that.*Sigh*

Anyway, carry on!


NOW

P.S. Pep is funny
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Is it a skill that would benefit you?

If not, then why bother.... If it would, then "difficult" is simply something else you can accomplish

I am CERTAIN you've done waaaaaaaaaay more difficult things in your life ... because you saw how it would benefit you, and you simply did what was difficult for awhile in order to reap the long term benefit

REALLY, I don't have any opinion of what you should try to do (difficult or not)

I am just giving you an example

EDIT : to spell benefit correctly ! (sheesh)

Pep, I can’t always distinguish when someone is making a joke or not. Sometimes someone will say something and then I will take it seriously…when in fact that person has actually just joked around with me (it had also happened with my H a few times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />). So yes, it is true that I can’t always GET someone’s humor. Sometimes I’m just not aware that they are joking (probably that was the case with you too). I can be very funny myself…and I do enjoy a good sense of humor, but yes, sometimes I fail to see the humor in someone’s words.

Hmmm…I’ve never thought of it this way before, but now that you’ve mentioned it… I think it might play a role. It’s not so much about a cultural difference, but more about the fact that we can’t always speak freely or make humoristic remarks about something or someone… We can do this, but we need to be very, very careful in front of whom such humoristic remarks are made or to whom it’s said (especially in the work place). One must always be careful not to say something that can probably be taken the wrong way and/or taken out of proportion by someone. I know of a few cases in my country where people where sued because of innocent and humoristic remarks they've made towards someone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

She is? Well, I'll be dipped. No make that double dipped. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NOW, it is your responsibility to be happy and make the best life you can, financial abundance, laughter abundance, love abundance. You have a responsibility to your children, your husband and all of life that you effect to do so, as a matter of fact. I'm working on this myself but it's a heck of a lot easier to achieve for me now than it once was...when gloom and doom hovered over my head like the good year blimp, and all of my own doing. Unhappy people drain the happiness out of others, and that just isn't fair. And I'm not talking about crisis, or loss unhappiness, I'm talking the people who are thinking like you said you are, when loss or crisis or stress is not the underlying factor.

In all honesty

a forum cannot be the very best place to exercise someone's full communication range

misinterpretations are inevitable

and therefore, to me, no biggie

if you saw me in person, you'd have NO DOUBT when I am joking/clowning around ... because I have a big round red foam nose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi Weaver! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

No, I don’t thinks so. However…sometimes I do feel undeserving of my H’s unconditional love and tremendous patience with me… I have many, many shortcomings and I can imagine that I’m not always the “easiest” person to live with…but still…my H thinks I’m the most wonderful person in the world and that I’m perfect in spite of all the shortcomings I think I have… I do appreciate him greatly for that…

"sometimes I do feel undeserving of my H’s unconditional love and tremendous patience with me…"

It would be most loving of you not to question his judgement on this matter

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />