Dear Dr. Harley,

My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years. But before that, we have been steady for 7.5 years. So we have been together for almost 13 years. Before we got married, we lived together for 1.5 years. For the past 13 years, I know and feel that my husband has been completely faithful to me. Until last month, he confessed that he had two affairs. The first one happened a year before we got married while the second one happened a year after we got married. The first one lasted for about 3 months while the second one lasted for only a night.

I was completely shocked and devastated. I had sleepless nights. I cannot eat well. I cannot focus on my work. I was so angry because all these years I trusted my husband. This experience is very painful to me. There are times that I wanted to commit suicide because I cannot endure the pain seeing him everyday…imagining him with the other women. I was also angry because the time he had the first affair, it was the time that I chose my husband over my family (who actually not in favour of my husband)

My husband is very apologetic. He asked for my forgiveness and a second chance. According to him, it was just plain “sex” and that he never loved those women. I love my husband very much and I am willing to give him another chance…however, the pain is getting worst everyday, we will fight everyday but would end up making love very intimately.

I want to understand what transpired during those times he had affairs so I read your columns. According to it, affairs happened because there were emotional needs unmet by the other spouse. I asked my husband to read you column so we could patch up things together and move on with our lives. But according to him, there was really no reason why he had those affairs. There was nothing wrong with me or our relationship. He told me that it happens to every man that they want to “taste” other women. He also told me that he is the one who initiated the first move, not those 2 women. I am also confused because he keeps telling me that he has been satisfied with me but how come he tasted other women. I keep on insisting that there is something that he saw with the two women that’s why he had affairs but he keeps on saying otherwise. He also says that I am already the “gold” in his life. But that confuses me more because how can anybody go for silver if you already have golds in your hands.

My problem is, I am having a hard time moving on because I cannot understand why he did that if he says there is nothing wrong with me or our relationship. How can I prevent him from having an affair in the future if I do not know what is the root cause, in the first place. I also cannot accept the fact that he had sex with other women . Every time we make love, I feel insecure because I know that now he has comparison. In my mind, he enjoyed having sex with the 1st woman because it lasted for 3 months.

Thank you and I hope you can help me on this.

I can't give you advice, but I do give you my prayers.. May God give you strength in this time of need, may the Lord and maker of heaven and earth shine his face upon you. If you seek him diligently he will give you rest for your soul............ Allow him to give you comfort, show you his ways, because his are far above ours, his thoughts are not our thougths.......

By experience, I do know that he works ALL things for his greater good, and even the worst of times for us, will be made purposeful for us, for Him, for us to help others. Stay strong, and remember, you have a choice to STAY in this marriage, and it YOU will be blessed by living a blameless life...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> [color:"green"] [/color] [color:"green"] [/color] [color:"green"] [/color]

You say you fight but end up making love intimately...hmmm.do you really know what intimacy is all about? My guess is that neither one of you know what true intimacy is all about. Look into that-marsnsage has a clue to the direction to move here simply because our greatest intimacy is with God Himself. I suspect that because of the same excuse I have heard from my husband "it happens to every man..." that he really is hiding much more from you than you realize......what I discovered for example is a very well hidden/controlled sexual addiction that kept him from being truly open and honest with me. Ask him how he feels about masturbation and what kind of thoughts might trigger him if he has this issue. Be prepared for any answer and follow the rules of not having angry outbursts or he won't feel he can be transparent with you. It all stems from "heart issues."
God Bless you and guide you.

Learning about an affair that happened years ago is just as painful as finding out about a current affair.

I would ask your husband how he can make you feel safe from another affair. What is his plan of action to keep from having another affair?

Also, I'm just curious, but why did he confess?

He/we cannot determine the plan of action to keep him from having another affair. Maybe because, he/we do not know what really is the main reason why he had one. According to him, those affairs are not worth remembering/cherishing so I think, its possible that he could have also forgotten why he did it in the first place (but im not really sure).

On your question on why he confessed. Last month, I accompanied my mother when she went to her province to visit this sort of a spiritual healer. Since I was also there, I took the opportunity to speak with the healer. Out of nowhere, I just simply asked her, was there a time that my husband had other women? And she simply said, "yes, but it was all in the past". And she also told me so many beautiful things that will come my way in the future.

I had hesitation on her vision of the beautiful things because I do not believe her that my husband had affairs. When we got home, I told my husband everything. I told him that the healer might be lying because she told me that he had affairs which are not true. So i asked my husband. "tell me she's lying"? I also told him that if she was lying, then the beautiful things that she told me are also lies....That time, i looked at his eyes and I felt something different...then he started confessing...

Dear Lynn6,

I am just curious about your husband's well hidden/controlled sexual addiction? could you elaborate on this specifically with what happened to your husband? what are the actions/remedies you've done about the situation? I mean, did you ask for professional help, or whatever.

pls reply.

sansebastian,

First, please allow me to set you straight. If you read Dr. Harley's articles here, and/or his book, you will find that he says quite plainly, that affairs are NOT caused by not meeting needs. The state of the marriage is affected by needs not being met or not meeting your spouses needs, but the affair??? NOT A CHANCE. The affair was his choice.

Further, your role in preventing any future affairs is simply to build as good a marriage as you can by meeting needs, AND making sure he meets yours as well. Giving often binds as well as receiving. Please read the articles here.

Now as to what caused his affairs. PUre and simple he had the affairs because HE WANTED TO. Pure selfishness really. How do you protect the marriage in the future, well you put that in his lap.

Let me explain. When you two made your marriage vows did you think you were making vows to him? Did you think he was making vows to you? In reality, who was going to keep him faithful? You? Your family? His family? Friends? NOPE! He was the one that had to keep himself faithful. When he said "for better or worse", who was going to make him stick it out? Who is/was going to make you stick it out? The answer...yourselves.

You see you made those vows to yourself. You made them out loud, but they are to yourself. Your H failed himself when he cheated. He violated his vows to HIMSELF and he crossed his own boundaries.

The issue for him to work on are his own boundaries and his plan for maintaining them. He has to work on his own integrity, not you. This site is big on plans, and there is a reason.

I've been planning to lose 20 lbs for a few years now, but I have not lost it. Why? Because planning to do it, is not a plan. A plan has details, scenario's, goals, boundaries, etc. To rebuild your marriage, your H has to get what he has done to YOU, but more importantly is he has to get what he has done to himself, his self-respect, his honor, and the respect you have for him.

So when reading the articles on this site, I recommend that both of you do so with an idea for creating a plan to make a better marriage. And he has to specifically come up with a plan to protect his boundaries and his honor. He has not done either, perhaps because he has neither or perhaps because he did not have the correct perspective.

Harley's methods work because they are factually based, they are plan based, and they understand that marriage is less about "feeling in love" and more about loving the other person. This after all what you both promised to LOVE one another and the word is a verb, an action, something you can promise to do. Feelings are not something you can promise to do.

There is more to say, but please understand that unmet needs did NOT cause this affair. Unmet needs set the background upon which a spouse decides to have an affair.

Give this to your H to read. If he has questions bring him here.

God Bless,

JL

Dear just learning,

Thanks for enlightening me. Maybe I have been too hard on myself. I have been putting too much pressure on myself by putting the blame on me. Indeed, having an affair is a choice. There may have been reasons/factors that contributed to my husband’s decision to have an affair (I could be one of them) but at the end of the day, we all have a choice...we make or break ourselves...we make or break our vows and promises...we make or break our marriage.

S.

All I can say is YUP.

God Bless,

JL