Dear members,

A while ago I asked my H to watch Dr Harley’s infidelity video clip and the only part of the clip he did not totally agree with is the part where Dr Harley said that attractions to the opposite sex must always be communicated with the spouse. My H said although he believes in total honesty and openness in a M, he thinks confession of an attraction depends on the circumstances, the maturity level and emotional and mental “state” of the spouse one needs to confess to. He used an example and said if one is able to immediately break off all contact with the person one feels attracted to as soon as one becomes aware of such an attraction (and before anything inappropriate has taken place), it will serve no purpose in his opinion to unnecessarily hurt the other spouse by informing him/her about an attraction where nothing inappropriately have taken place yet. He said in his opinion this specifically applies to cases where a spouse is by nature skeptical, mistrusting and easily offended and hurt (amongst other things like low self-esteem, lack of self confidence etc.) and where such a person will therefore not make the spouse feel safe to make such a confession.

During our conversation I asked my H if he ever had such an attraction towards someone else during our M and he said no. I then ask him if he will ever share with me if he ever experience such an attraction towards someone else and he then said although he can’t imagine ever feeling an inappropriate attraction towards someone else as long as he is committed and faithful to me and as long I’m the first priority in his life, he will hesitate to share such an attraction with me if it should ever happens to him because he know I will feel very hurt and upset by such a confession and doubt his love for me. I can understand why my H feels this way…and I can understand why my H will not feel safe to share something like that with me… I still have many issues in myself and my behavior towards my H I need to work on (I have a thread about these issues on the In Recovery board).

Anyway, my H does have precautions and healthy boundaries with the opposite sex in place (he have never gave me any reason to mistrust him in this regard), but it seems sharing an attraction with me should it ever happen to him, might not be one of these precautions. Therefore I was wondering how others feel about this and if there might be others around here who share the same view than my H e.g. that attractions should not always be shared with the spouse depending on the circumstances (as explained earlier). I’ve decided to get feedback by including an anonymous pole in this thread in case there is anyone who share my H’s view but don’t want to admit/share it openly here.

If you�re married and you start to feel emotionally and/or physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex, but has not yet said or done anything inappropriately with that person, what will you do? single choice
	I will immediately share the attraction with my spouse, no matter how my spouse might feel or respond on such a confession and POJA with my spouse on how this situation should be handled.
	Whether or not I will share such an attraction with my spouse, will depend on the circumstances and/or on the mental/emotional �state� and/or maturity level/personality of my spouse.
Votes accepted starting: 07/11/07 06:47 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

If you should choose to NOT share the attraction with your spouse (option 2 above), you will: single choice
	Immediately break off all contact with the person you feel attracted to.
	Try to �control� the attraction and will not break off all contact as long as nothing inappropriate has been said or done.
Votes accepted starting: 07/11/07 06:47 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

If you should choose NOT to inform your spouse and NOT to break off all contact with the person (options 2 in both the previous questions), you will: single choice
	I will protect myself by preventing any communication and interactions with that person at all costs (especially any situation where I might be alone with the person or communicating alone with him/her).
	I will carry on as usual, not prevent any contact and just try to hide my attraction from the person. I will trust myself to not say or do anything inappropriate with that person.
Votes accepted starting: 07/11/07 06:47 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Suzet,

I just wanted to say that I did something like this last week with my H. I told him that the reason I never scheduled any more counselling with our (Catholic) priest was that he (the priest) was very good at meeting my main emotional need right now...a man who listens compassionately. If I continued to seek his advice with or without my H, I could develop a crush on him. I know that I'm in a VERY vulnerable state right now.

BTW, the priest knows nothing of this and has been above board on everything.

BringItOn,

Thanks for sharing this... You did the right and smart thing. You’ve realized beforehand that you were probably in the process of developing a “crush” on the priest, so you stopped the counseling in advance and informed your H.

I’m very interested in psychology and have read many books on it. Therefore I also know it’s sometimes common for patients to develop a “crush” or “romantic feelings” towards their counselor (or vica versa) at some point during intense counseling if the person is opposite sex. During counseling this often happens when a certain stage of emotional/spiritual connection between the therapist and patient is reached. With intense therapy the counselor and patient work on a close emotional level, so sometimes the development of those feelings can be inevitable. However, should this happen, it’s extremely important for the counselor to continue behaving in an ethical and professional manner should he/she become aware of these feelings in him/herself or the client, but if a situation like this becomes internally unbearable for one or both of them, it’s best then for the counselor to refer the client to another counselor or (as you’ve done) for the client to stop counseling with that specific counselor. The existence of those feelings can be so interfering that therapy needs to be discontinued for the sake of the patient/counselor or both of them. But it’s important (as you have done) to never state the real reason to the counselor (or person in counseling capacity like a priest/pastor) on why the counseling is stopped or (in case the counselor is the one to stop the counseling) why he/she refer the patient to another counselor.

After my EA with OM I’m very cautious about ANY close interactions between two opposite sex people (even if it is in professional capacity) because those interactions can unwittingly lead to an inappropriate attraction or feelings. This is also the reason why I’ve never considered going to a male therapist and believe it’s the best (if possible) to seek a counselor of the same sex unless husband/wife can to the therapist together.

Thanks to everyone who have voted on the poll so far, I appreciate it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It’s interesting for me to see that some people in this board hold the same view than my H on this and that this view is not so totally uncommon amongst some people on this board who have probably been affected by infidelity themselves (maybe I should have included that question in my poll). Anyone who wants to reply and give and explanation, opinion or input together with their vote is very welcome to do so.