Melodylane said this on a different thread:

"SMB, have you seen the emotional needs questionnaire? I would take that along with the lovebusters questionnaire. That was a real eye opener for my H and I! There is a link under questionnaires for both."

I didn't want to hijack the other thread, therefore I thought I would start a new one because this is something that has been on my mind since I filled out the questionnaire over a week ago.

I am assuming for a lot of people it is a huge eye opener and I expect the same for us. I know my H is going to be shocked by a few things I put down and I also know they will be hurtful.

How did others handle the difficult subjects?

For instance, physical attractiveness is much higher on my list than I ever led my H to believe. Here's my catch 22, since my confession my H has dieted and lost about 70 lbs, but he is still very overweight. I never wanted to appear to be superficial, but his weight bothers me, has for a very long time, yet I never let him know.

I know many of our issues are because we were not being completely honest which I know is a huge mistake. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I want him to know how I feel.

I've held off on pushing the issue of the questionnaire right now because, IMO, my H is very depressed. I see it and also our 17 yr old asked me about him yesterday, so I know she sees it. I'm sure it's partly due to the time of year along with other things. I'm not sure he even notices how bad it is to an outsider. I did mention something to him yesterday that I was concerned about him and asked him how he was doing. He told me he did feel a little depressed but rolled his eyes when I suggested he talk to his doc about going on something. It's frustrating because if he isn't willing to help himself there is nothing I can do.

Right after d-day he admitted to being clinically depressed and started taking AD's, he hated the side effects and refuses to go on them again. This is having an effect on our relationship, but he doesn't see it. If I wait to share our EN questionnaires until he isn't feeling depressed who knows when it will be. I don't want to keep our relationship on hold, but I don't want to throw him over the deep end either.

Should I hold off or move forward regardless of where he is at right now?

LC

LC,
Tell him. You don't have to push him, but be clear on your needs and use positive reinforcement when he meets them. Hopefully he will derive some satisfaction from his achievements of meeting your needs. I feel so much less anxiety when Mrs. GF give me clear guidance on physical attractiveness, I know what needs to be done and can accomplish it that way. I lost a bunch of weight through the anxiety diet, but knowing how important that is to her let's me keep it off pretty easily. She like me in blue shirts, so if we are going to be spending time together I wear a blue shirt (that clings to my pecs ;-)

Tell him in a positive way and use positive reinforcement...maybe say "wow you are so much thinner, I want to touch you. Can I give you a massage?" 30 minutes on the treadmill is well worth 10 minutes of Mrs GF touch.

LC,

My guess is he knows this is one of your EN's. And it is one reason he may be depressed. I think one of the reasons that the EN questionaire is important is that we also learn about ourselves. Denial is never very productive. Your H does know that different AD's have different side effects right?

Further, I would guess that as he loses weight and begins to exercise he might come out of the depression. His work is not something that is uplifting is my guess as well. After many years I would suspect that his work and the pressure would get to him.

Further, he is at an age where men start to change as well. None of this can be addressed if you ignore it and he denies it. Has he filled out his EN questionaire as well? They should be exchanged and discussed. Then the idea is to come up with a plan to address them as well as they can be.

One thing to also realize is that EN's change their position as our lives change. If for example he became very ill and lost lots of weight and muscle, your EN for appearance might not be top, but perhaps your EN for companionship just might under the thought of losing him.

My point USE the EN quiz to learn and grow. Make sure he does the same thing. Have you mentioned that your 17 year old noticed his depression? Let him know.

Just some thoughts, but lack of action means more often than not lack of change. You are not really trying to change him, you are trying to let him know YOU better and understand yourself better as well. Same goes for him.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

lc, i agree with JL that you should go forward with this. This will HELP your marriage, not harm it, because you will also be learning something about him. By learning about his emotional needs, you become equipped to meet them and he will learn to meet yours. In taking the lovebusters questionaire, you can both learn about each other. But honesty has to be the first step.

I cannot express to you how much joy these principles have brought into my life. This is an opportunity for him to experience a marriage where both partners are IN LOVE with each other and that may help his depression.

Why do you think he is depressed, lc? And do you think he feels desired by you since you don't find him physically attractive? Does he sense this? Also, does he try in other ways to enhance his appearance, such as dressing and grooming well?

ML,



I wanted to wait until we shared our EN questionnaires until I responded to your question. IMO, there are several things that contribute to why he was feeling depressed. He seems better this week so he must have worked out his issues. He's a big guy 6'5" and actually dresses very nicely (with my help, of course) and is well groomed. I know I shouldn't be so critical of his weight and I have been paying attention to something that I tend to do. I've noticed when I start to feel neglected is when his weight bothers me. When he is meeting my needs, most of the time I don't even notice it. I think I need to do a little soul searching on this one. I know when I'm feeling unhappy I also tend to nit pick things that he does.

This morning he left his questionnaire by my computer. I have read his, but he has not seen mine. As I read through his replies the only thing that surprised me was he is very content overall. I had expected I wasn't meeting his needs and he indicated I am meeting all except in the SF dept. He stated he would like to have SF daily. I knew it was important to him, but he has never mentioned his need for it to be daily.

I think he will be very surprised by my answers. What I see is I am meeting most of his and he is not meeting mine. Seeing his answers also has created some confusion for me. I'm wondering if I am carrying us through this marriage and doing my part or if I am just way too needy.

As soon as he gets back I will show him my questionnaire, but I also think it will be upsetting to him. I honestly believe he will have no clue he isn't meeting my needs. I wonder if he is fallen into the thinking pattern that he is happy, therefore I am happy. I don't want to say I'm unhappy, but there certainly can be some improvement on his part.

LC

LC,

You latest post intrigued me. It is soooo typical of a WS and (yes I am being sexist) women. Not all women but women that really don't understand men well.

You said
Since SF is a huge thing for men, you can consider that you are NOT meeting his needs nearly as well as you think. I don't know your H but I can guess from the amount of time you have been married and his being a Doc, that he is in his mid to late 40's perhaps early 50's. He is also a big guy.

So listen up very very carefully. He has been trained all of his life to be independent, to be self-sufficient, to take care of himself and his family. What does that mean to you? It means he NEEDS NOTHING, except what he cannot provide for himself, SF. You meeting ALL of his needs except SF means you really are not meeting nearly as much as you think. He has been trained to have diminished expectations and he has them. Further, REAL men don't have needs, they have egos. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This is really one of my only quibbles with the MB approach and it is simply terminology. The concept of being "needy" is so foreign to most men, that they have a very hard time with the EN questionaire at first. I have seen this many times. Men come here and the first thing they say...I don't really know my W's needs followed by I don't know my own needs...I'm not sure I have any other than to have my W in my life.

You can call that lack of introspection. You call it clueless. You can call it training. Whatever, you call it my guess is that you should NOT be jumping up and down about how well you are doing on the EN questionaire right yet.


You might be surprised at his opinion of himself as a H. He already knows he is a failure at it. He already knows you chose another man over him. He already knows he is over weight (he has a mirror and you have told him).

So let me ask you something. If everything is going so well in your H's life, why is he depressed? I am NOT blaming you. I am pointing out to you that the data suggests your H is NOT a happy camper, so don't get too cocky about having met all of his needs.


Ya think??? He won't be surprised that you are not happy. He knows. He might be surprised at the details as you see them, but I am not sure about even that. Your H is NOT happy by your own description. He is just not expecting much from you. You on the other hand expect much from him.

LC, I like you or at least have enjoyed conversations with you since you have been here, but make sure you understand one thing...YOU are NOT carrying this marriage. If it weren't for your H's decision to remain married after your rather brutal betrayal of him with his best friend you would HAVE NO MARRIAGE. He is carrying far more than you seem to realize and his depression, his weight, and his diminished expectations all suggest that.

Please do show him your EN questionaire. But, I seriously think that your perspective is a bit off plumb here.

God Bless,

JL

JL is giving you great direction. I'd like to add that if you also read His Needs/Her Needs by Harley, you will find HOW to communicate with your H.

It is very different. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope this helps.
L.

JL,

I think you may have misinterpreted the meaning of my post. One of the cons of message boards. I hope this helps clarify. Please know I am in no way celebrating and feeling like I am doing everything right, I know better than that.


Who said I was jumping up and down thinking I was meeting his needs? I stated I was confused by his responses and surprised he answered as he did because I didn't feel like I was. Also, the fact he has a high need for SF is not new to me and since my A I have never turned him down, even when I wasn't much in the mood because I know it's important to him. He failed to ever mention to me that he would like to have it every day.

He and I actually had a nice conversation over lunch about this subject. I asked him why he never expressed his daily desire. He didn't really have an answer, but I know why and asked him if it was due to the fact I use to turn him down all the time. He agreed and said he didn't think I would be in the mood every day and many times he didn't act for fear he would be turned down. I take responsibility for my past actions and can understand why he did what he did. I simply had to remind him things are not like they use to be.


I am by no means feeling cocky. I was actually afraid he had not been truthful and answered what he "thought" I wanted to hear. If you go back in my posts you will find one of the main reason I came to MB's is because I felt I was doing something wrong, wanted to improve what I could to meet my H's needs and make him happy. I know there are times he isn't happy, I'm just trying to figure out why.


This I am glad you said because it is exactly how I feel. He has changed a lot about himself and what he does. I know how very fortunate I am that he is still in my life. I didn't feel like I was carrying the marriage, but wondered why I felt like some of my needs weren't being met when I know how he is trying.

We just finished discussing my questionnaire and he said he is not surprised by anything I put down. I asked him if I was being needy and high maintenance, he laughed and said no. After we discussed a few things I know some of it is perception. He also knows in regard to his weight, when I am feeling neglected it is something I focus on. I should also add, I also focus on mine. I think he understood the weight issue more than I thought he would because he knows how I am. I have a past history of obsessing over my weight to the point I was underweight. On a good day, if I had to describe myself I would say I'm tall and thin. If I'm in a funk I focus on the fact I am not underweight and don't like my weight either.

Also during our talk, I told him how proud I am of him for taking his health into his hands and losing 70 lbs. I also expressed to him that when I focus on his weight I am also focused on mine. He said he understood and agreed that is something I would do.

You questioned his age, it's in my sig line. He is 44.

LC

I read it back in 2003 and again this past Feb. I recently ordered a more updated version and will refresh myself with the communication section.

Thanks.
LC

LC,

Might I suggest that instead of the updated HNHN you check out Fall In Love Stay In Love.

This book includes a good overall summary of all of Dr Harley's Basic Concepts including ENs and LBs as well as supplying a specific exercise for implementing the ideas. He has a chapter on his needs, then one on her needs then another that ties it all together. Midway through this chapter, he has you stop reading and fill out the ENQs and then co-sign a document agreeing to meet each other's ENs on an ongoing basis.

Next he introduces the Love Busters and does a similar exercise and has you agree to avoiding LBs for each other.

The book does a great job of not only explaining his ideas, but giving the reasons for them and why they work as well.

By the time you're done with the book, you not only have the information, but know that you are each willing to meet ENs and avoid LBs in the future.

Mark

Mark,

I actually have Fall in Love, Stay in Love on reserve at the library. Whoever has it was suppose to return it on 7-9 and still hasn't. I was telling my H today that if I don't get it by Thurs I am ordering it. Barnes and Noble is our only book store and they didn't have any copies in stock. I think I may just go ahead and order it tonight if there are parts we should fill out.

I haven't ordered it sooner because I've been working on a book my H asked me to read 2 years ago and I pretty much blew off because of the way he asked me to read it. (IOW, he told me I had to read it.) I finally decided to stop being a brat and read it like he asked me to. It's pretty in depth and makes a person dig deep so it isn't a quick read.

I brought up LB's to my H today and told him I know there are things I do that are LB's. I'm working on controlling them and also mentioned there is a LB questionnaire we should fill out.

LC

LC,

I am glad that I apparently misunderstood somethings. I am also not surprised that your H was not surprised. One thing you need to remember that one of the major things that happens to a BS is that their antenna become much sharper and more acute after the affair. He is paying more attention than you may think. It does not mean he understands all he picks up, but he is picking it up.

Since you articulated your needs to your H, did you two discuss how to meet them? Did you two make a plan? You need to.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

LC,

I am glad that I apparently misunderstood somethings. I am also not surprised that your H was not surprised. One thing you need to remember that one of the major things that happens to a BS is that their antenna become much sharper and more acute after the affair. He is paying more attention than you may think. It does not mean he understands all he picks up, but he is picking it up.

Since you articulated your needs to your H, did you two discuss how to meet them? Did you two make a plan? You need to.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL