that sounds awesome graplin thanks. we've started doing some of those. i've lost lots of weight but still have more to go. i'm dieting. we got rid of most of my old clothes and had a big fun shopping spree together at american eagle & aeropostale and we try to shop their regularly. redone hair and in fact last night got some color and a faux hawk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> i think i definately need to focus on #3 and i absolutely love your #4 and #5 ideas. thank you so much!

i spoke with my wife last night about going to see someone besides her IC about bipolar. she was relunctant but willing. she wanted me to come see her IC with her and discuss it which i'm willing to do but would prefer to see someone else first with her before her IC dismisses it. we're kinda numb this morning and she's pretty scared that she might be mentally ill. heck i'm scared out of my mind.

Man, that's awesome! Good for you!



I know it's scary, but let me tell you how I see it. Our bodies have this chemical factory just pumping stuff out and working away all the time. Sometimes that process just gets out of kilter.

When insulin isn't produced or processed properly, you get diabetes. We don't think twice about getting medication that will help adjust our chemical factories when it comes to insulin.

When someone's thyroid over or under produces its "chemicals" - we don't think twice about getting medication for that.

When brain chemicals are not being produced or processed properly, your thought processes are impacted. We shouldn't hestitate about seeking and getting medication and help in order to adjust those chemicals so that we can function better. There is no stigma in doing this.

See what I mean? I am so glad that she is open to having this looked into. I do want to prepare you in case she is diagnosed - it isn't an immediate thing. There are several different medications, and the only way to find the *best* combination/medicine is by trial and error. It also can take several weeks for the medicine to build up to what is called "therapeutic levels" ie., the level of medication needed to deal with the symptoms.

In the meantime, there are some books that might help you in your walk towards pursuing confidence in your manliness. These are probably available at your local library, bookstore or online. I'll put links for them so that you can read about them.

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Let me know what you think.

thanks graplin. it does help to think about it rationally and scientifically. i think she will take comfort in that point of view as well. great timing on the book recommendations, i just received an amazon gift card yest.

I love it life lines up so nicely like that.

On something else you brought up regarding a call from the OM and what to say. I can think of a couple of options.

Short sweet version:
"Don't call this number again." click

If you feel the need to be less blunt:
"My wife regretted that she gave you this number, please don't call it again." click

There is absolutely no need for additional discussion.

thanks graplin. i haven't received any calls on the line since i asked (told) him not to call again. i did keep it short - was easy for me as i really didn't want to even talk to the om. i think we've found someone in the area who specializes in bipolar so we'll try to make an appt this week.

my wife ran away last night. left a note while we were at a church service. as she had just tried to attempt suicide a few nights earlier (she wanted to take some pills but i wrestled away and got rid of), police actually helped search as her note was ambigious and seemed like a final goodbye. my family helped track her down where she walked to a store, atm'ed money for a cab, and called her female co-worker friend who she had gone barhopping with. this was all impromptu and not planned out. i'm really still in shock. we had a really good first counseling session tuesday night but it all turned bad the next time while she was at work. i don't think the om that she kissed is involved again but it's more the idea of him - not being trapped at home. she had agreed to quit her job after counseling but then regretted it and we really didn't poja it but just sort of asked them to work once a week instead. now she'll ask for lots of hours i assume. she wants to
take a few days to think about things. ideas - what i need to do? not love bust, try to deposit when i talk to her, make home appealing? i guess that's plan a? i seriously don't know if i could handle things if she has an affair while gone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> our child is staying with family right now - a few nights at each house as i work during the day so i'll probably have very limited contact with my wife. she may come home during the day while i'm working to get clothes, etc. i mean i can send txt msgs, but not sure what to do and am not thinking clearly.

please give me ideas or support...

no advice anyone? this is night #3 without her and i'm going crazy. i avoided all contact with her - not that i have any. but i didn't txt or call her since night #2 when we arranged child care plans for the week.

ATB,

I'm sorry she left. I haven't read your story, but will try and read this afternoon. You should get more responses later today as the weekend is over.

My prayers are with you.

thanks bringiton - it's good to know people are out here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> i don't think i ever posted my full story of what happened the first time but it was basically a ons with a co-worker om she had gotten to know too well and he broke it off after that. recovery seemed to be going so well for last 8 months then this. it's so sad cause she knows the harley principles and touted how great they were to everyone so it's sad seeing her turn from them now along with her walk with God it seems ...

AtB, I'm sorry that things have progressed in this direction. I assume that her going to a psychiatrist in regards to a possible bipolar didn't happen?

I want to plant something for you to think about on the chance that you find yourself wrestling with your wife and a bottle of pills in the future - take the pills away and call the police and let them know she what she was threatening to do. Did your wife ever get in touch with a psychiatrist and make an appointment or did things explode before that was done? If she did contact one, I encourage you to follow up via phone and let the doctor know what's going on. If she didn't get one, I suggest that you contact one and explain the sexual behavior changes, running away from home and the suicide attempt. You need to have a professional that you can call on on your wife's behalf if need be.

How old is your child? And where is your wife currently staying?

we went to our church pastor's wife (psy a - whatever that is) for a first marriage counseling session. we mentioned the possible bipolar/borderline potential diagnosis and she asked how we'd feel about waiting 6 weeks and doing counseling with her before seeing someone else. that session went so amazingly well it really seemed like it was the start of something new. my wife went to see her IC the next day who i don't think has really helped her much lately in the last 6 years she's seen him. i know he helped when she was going thru post partum depression but he is very hands off. i believe he will tell her what she wants to here in that it is okay that she feels trapped and natural to get space and "think things thru". not that he could have stopped the first affair, but he certainly didn't help encourage her on staying faithful, maybe that's not his job. her mom sees the same IC off and on, i could ask if she'll contact him with me and try to explain the sexual behavior.

it's so confusing, on friday she test drove a car we were going to buy, and walks out later that day.

our child is 6 and staying with various family members. my wife is staying with a female single coworker. it won't be permanent as the roomate has a huge dog who pees on the floor and would pounce all over and scare our child if she went to visit/stay there. so i believe she is either debating coming home or looking for an apartment. or i suppose she can move in with some guy. i see she's been using the cell phone, wish i knew what numbers, just the last call time, and cumulative minutes. our MC we just started last week asked me to contact her and she is she was coming tomorrow night. i don't know what to do - if i should call my wife and what exactly to say. i think if she wanted to come home, she would have contacted me.

even as i type this, she's had a 20 min phone conversation with someone. i don't know if i can stop myself from calling her now and see what's going on.

AtB, here's a link to info on Bipolar.

Bipolar Disorder: Learning the Signs, Symptoms and Causes



I truly mean no offense, but this, IMO, is the equivalent of asking your dentist about your gall bladder. The dentist can provide their services WHILE you consult with an internist about your gall bladder.

Nor do I think contacting her IC (the one who dislikes labels) in regards to this issue is a productive action. I think you need to speak to someone who specializes in psychiatry, not marriage counseling, not individual counseling.

I don't want you to feel as if I am pounding you over the head with this. But, IF this is what your wife is dealing with, then NONE of the other things you need - a marriage that is healing, a family that is intact for your son, a wife making wise choices - is going to be possible until she gets the bipolar under control.

It's like giving you tips on how to run an upcoming marathon and ignoring your untreated broken ankle.

Also, is your son getting to see you during this time? Is it possible to let him spend the night with you instead of staying with family 24 hours?

Why is your child not with you each night?

thank you graplin and hopeandpray. i just called inlaws and will go have supper tonite with them and our daughter. the reason staying with others is because why supposedly needed a few days to think things through (even tho it's textbook wordage, i still had hope). she spends nights with them often and loves her getaways especially with no school in the summer. and i work during the day and ww hasnt' offered to spend time with our daughter since family is willing. her co-worker "friend" she is staying with has been through a divorce and makes it seem so easy to my wife. i talked to ww's mom (so hard to type that when it was just fww a few days ago), and she is trying to get ww to see someone specializing in bipolar. i think you are right, her IC won't be a help.

***i just called my wife and she wants a divorce***. it seems she has resumed contacting the om from the bar kiss (see top post) altho she said that is her personal life and she won't discuss it with me. only our child and financial matters <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i am torn between having hope and staying in this limbo state and moving on. on one hand, i can't imagine wanting ww back if she's had a physical affair, yet i'm lived half of life with her and can't imagine not being with her. with this is what to tell our daughter and when.

Call an attorney.

Do not leave your home.

Get your child back to your own home. What were the child care arrangements before? Your child needs to be home with you.

Get your finances protected. If you don't know what this means, ask.

Get your back covered and then you're ready to do battle against the affair and for your marriage. Do you know who the other man is?

I second what graplin has to say.

Get your child home. Protection of your child against this is paramount.

Seek legal counsel, get an Legal Separation Agreement (LSA) going, if you can, to protect what you currently own together, and marital assets, as well as establish visitation, CS, etc. In your current sitch, I would reccommned asking for full physical/legal custody with visitation.

Your wife may need some serious help, that MB does not cover, if she has Bipolar/Borderline personality disorder/s.

i'm so nervous to drive in the final nail - but i'll talk to my family member who is a lawyer who can direct me and help me with this. why is the child home, so important? and is it only matter at night the child is at home, if i have to wake them at 6am to drive them to family to sit, then pick them up at 7pm at night?

edit: grap: i know first name and might have the cell number. well i will for sure as of aug 4 when the bill comes but i don't know if i still have it now. he is a single man.

You aren't driving in the final nail. You are only dealing with the plate of pain that has been served to you by your spouse. You didn't order it, you didn't want it, but you have to eat it.

I look at it this way when you have one spouse working for the marriage and one who is not. One of you has to make choices that are wise. Your wife is not that person right now.

You are currently mentally and emotionally capable of making good choices, so, you are in charge of protecting your family - your child, your wife, your marriage.

Your child needs to be under your protective wing, unless you want to see your child carried about by whatever latest whim your wife might have.

It would be great if you could get a family member to keep your child at your home during the day. Second best would be to have a babysitter in your home during the day. Third best would be one of YOUR family members to keep your child in their home - BUT you drop the child off and pick them up so that your child has the continuity of both a parent and their own home. And least best would be with a member of your wife's family, IMO.

Making sure that your child stays in your home will be in your favor in regards to custody should your wife continue the path of destruction she is on. Your child is being affected by what is going on between you and your wife. YOU are the only one right now who can provide them with some modicum of security and sanity. Don't delegate that to one of your wife's family members.

Secure your finances before you find them cleaned out and spent. That means close out your current joint account and cancel any joint credit cards. Your goal is to both protect the family monies AND not provide any financial support for the affair.

Cut her off.

Protect your finances NOW. Create a new account, remove your money from your current one ASAP. If she's got credit cards, call in and report them stolen/missing now.

When she calls and throws a fit, be blunt with her. Tell her that it IS her life...and as such, she needs to live it completely without you. You're not going to support her, you are filing for full custody of your children, and that you have NO intention of being part of her life going forward, if this is how she chooses to live. Nor will you allow your daughter to be raised by someone who is obviously not capable of being a responsible parent/role model.

Don't blow up on her, but be BLUNT.

Honestly, while you've not had time for a great plan A, it seems to me that she needs to feel plan B. That "reality" I'd mentioned earlier needs to slap her in the face.

It happened to my wife. I mentioned to you how I spelled out exactly what was going to happen. That HURT her to realize. It showed her what she was going to lose. It sank in even more when she came home, and found that OUR DAUGHTER had packed up her clothes and such already in our room. My daughter was so hurt/offended by what she'd done that SHE pushed this.

It made my wife realize that we meant it when we told her that we wouldn't accept her leaving us in the way that she'd planned.

I think you need to do full exposure (if you've not already), contact a lawyer and protect yourself, your family, and your finances...and then go PITCH BLACK on your wife. Plan B her HARD...after first completely removing any support from you in any fashion.

She'll be forced to face that reality hard.