How many BS's have had to deal with seeing the OP? Personally, I don't want to every see the OW. In my situation, the OW is also married. OWH and I are having a real problem with our respective OPs in that both OW and WH want to push the other on both of us. But WH does not hesitate to bring her to my house (luckily I wasn't home) and I know he's going to eventually bring her to our baseball games (we play in the same league). He would have already brought her but not only did I raise a fit about it, OWH laid into OW about it as well. I'm not entirely sure what their (OW and WH) motiviation is or why it is so important to them. I'm still way too hurt to deal with it. But now I'm paranoid as well - WH has started to call OWH and he showed up when OWH dropped his daughter off. They say that we (OWH and I) have to get used to seeing them eventually but they won't give us any time.

How do you deal with the OP? How do you deal with the WS who seems to think you and the OP should be friends - or at least not enemies? I know everything that comes out of his mouth is just babble and I can ignore that but one of these days he's going to show up on my doorstep hand in hand with her and expect to come in for coffee or something. Is there a way to stop him from doing this that he'll actually understand while he's still in the fog?

Dr Harley makes it clear that there should be "no contact for life" between the affair partners.

Why is your husband having ANYTHING to do with OW anymore?

What you need to do is to put a stop to that NOW. The affair is still going on. He's bringing her to your hoouse?!?!

Where are you at in plan A? Have you exposed the affair to everyone concerned? Have you ever insisted that he break off contact with her forever? Are you working to meet his emotional needs at the same time?

Your sig show's that you started a legal seperation? If so, have you considered going to a strict plan B yet?

OW and WH are living together. They moved in together 2 weeks after I found out about it. Neither one of them wants to break it off. The affair is exposed to all. I am a couple of signatures and a gas bill away from Plan B (we didn't use lawyers since all he wanted was speed and left me pretty much everything). Also, I'm in the same baseball league as he is - something I'm reluctant to give up as it truly is the only social activity that I have. My main problem is that he (WH) somehow thinks this whole thing is just water under the bridge and wants us all to be "friends". OW is doing the same to OWH. Is this what normally happens? Do they think we could all hang out together or something? I almost wonder if has to do with the fact that neither of them have any friends left? They are both resorting to pretty dirty tricks to expose us (OWH and I) to our respective OPs.

Then put a stop to it.

Tell your WH that what he's doing is extremely painful and disrespectful to you. Tell him that you no longer will accept being around him AND OW together anymore.

Make it clear she's not welcome at your house, in your presence...etc...

This is pretty common, from what I've seen. He's hoping that by doing this they'll minimize the 'impacts' to their infidelity. "How wrong can it have been? My girlfriend and I are at my wife's all the time!" Get the idea?

My wife envisioned something similar in her view of what our relationship would be like after she left me for OM. She pictured us all as "good friends", and that the kids would have this 'big, extended, happy family'. Again, standard WS "fog".

Personally, I'd suggest that you go ahead and set up an intermediary for dealing with your WH NOW...and implement plan B ASAP, so that you no longer have to tolerate this.

As far as continuing in your league...well, that's kinda going to be your choice. There's no real way you can force him and her to leave (that I'm aware of), so your only options are to show up and tolerate it or find a new social outlet.

Oh, and get the locks changed, or tell your husband to give you the key to the house back. If he no longer lives there, he's got no reason to BE there.

Maybe you and OWH should show up at your next baseball game holding hands and being VERY affectionate toward each other. Then, casually mention that the two of you are moving in together. That might teach WH and OW a lesson!

A vengeful suggestion, I know, but wouldn't it be sort of fun?

-Chris

Chris,

I read your response on this thread last night, but didn't reply then.

Since so many here are reading and not posting often in the early days of devastation following D-day, we all need to be careful that we don't give advice that could cause a bigger problem or be misinterpreted.

Your suggestion, while I am hoping it was given tongue in cheek, is just wrong for so many reasons it's hard to list them all...

A BS is so vulnerable to having a revenge affair that they need to be EXTRA cautious.

If divorce ensues, the WS could say in court, "Well, you had a thing going with his/her wife/husband yourself..." While not true, it would be impossible to explain away since you would be seen together by multiple witnesses.

Acting in a romantic way toward someone you should not be involved with is a sure fire way to end up divorced, even if your spouse isn't already having an affair with their spouse.

What would the kids learn from such an example? (Considering that for them "more is caught than taught.")

Revenge when used as justification for inappropriate action is how affairs begin in the first place. Once a person starts down that road, using "what he/she did" as justification for "what I am doing" it becomes extremely difficult to break the cycle.

My point is that it all has to do with personal boundaries. Maybe a revenge affair is not the intent...Then why go there? The easiest and best way to avoid crossing a line is to avoid going near the line. If a road CAN lead to disaster...and likely WILL lead to disaster...Why go down the road at all? If you don't want to end up in Iowa, don't drive west from Moline...

If my spouse is having an affair, it calls into question my spouse's integrity. If I engage in activity that can be seen by unknowing observers as being as wrong, it calls into question MY integrity. Those who are merely observers will NOT understand it as a joke and will question my motives as well as my actions but MOST will not seek clarification and will simply assume that what they observed means what they first thought it did.



Suppose you were playing pool in a bar, not drinking, merely playing pool. As you leave, a passerby makes a crack about alcoholics spending all their time in bars feeding their addiction. But you aren't an alcoholic and in fact haven't even had a drink. So you KNOW the truth and his comments have no effect on you.

The next night you are again playing pool at the same bar. As you leave, the same person is outside and again makes a comment about alcoholics. It is clear this time that he is referring to you and your friends.

A third night as you leave the bar after your game of pool, the same person is outside and again he quips about alcoholics this time while staring right at you.

My question is this. Based on the above scenario, do YOU have any responsibility for the assumptions of the passerby who thinks you are an alcoholic?

Mark

I don't know if Chris meant that comment tongue in cheek or not but I did get a chuckle out of it. Don't worry - that's not going to happen. OWH and I have certainly become friends and allies in this whole mess but we are not headed down that road. And I would never ask him to come to the game and endure seeing his OM (my WH).

I think WH and I are fairly close to not requiring further contact. I paid my half of the gas bill this morning and there's nothing else outstanding that I know of. However, he told me OW would be coming to the baseball games. Being the loser that I am I burst into tears. I know it's all about disrespect but this is just too much for me. I commute far to work and therefore have very few friends where I live. I've played in this league for 10 years (with WH) and they are really the only local people that I know. We never socialized with them outside of games - WH was my best friend then. Since this happened I had them trade me to another team and I've been going out for beer after the games. I just don't have anything else but this. I'm also looking after my mom who just had open heart surgery so I can't even look for something else (DS comes home to take care of her on baseball night). I'm desperately lonely and the though of giving up the one social outlet I have is overwelming. I don't even know why he would want to bring her to this - everybody will know she's his ******.

Their motivation is to force your public acceptance of their "relationship" in an effort to normalize it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You have a legal separation, you don't have children by this man - is he wanting to randomly show up at your home with her? Or is all of this taking place in public places?



My initial response to this is to calmly say something similar to, "Do not bring your floozy around me again. Ever. I do not have to 'get used to' your adulterous relationship. I can't stop it, but I will not pretend that I accept it. I will be your wife if you choose our marriage, but I will not be your friend if you choose to continue in your adultery."

Waywards often operate under the delusion that everyone will be a big happy group of "friends" and the only thing keeping that from happening is the BS's not "moving on."

Are you trying to Plan A at this time?

Tabby, the only way to stop such cruelty, is not through REASON, something he doesn't respond to, but from setting FIRM BOUNDARIES. What he is attempting to do is normalize his sleazy affair by forcing others to accept it. A WS will often use the kids to do this. They believe by getting the kids to accept the affair partner, that it gives the affair an air of respectibility.

The other tactic i see him using is trying to be your "friend." If you will just be his "friend" then he won't feel so guilty for destroying your life and won't have to face the consequences of his destruction. Allowing him to be successful in this regard protects him from some much needed guilt and enables his affair. I would let him know that you are his WIFE, not his "friend." Nor would you have someone for a "friend" who lied and cheated on you, without remorse. That is not "friend" material.

The REAL message is this: "please bend over and take it quietly while I rape you because the noise of your screams bothers me." That is all there is to this "friend" business. He is NOT your "friend," be assured of that.

As far as the OW coming in your house, I would suggest getting a restraining order on her. That is OUTRAGEOUS that she would be cruel enough to set foot in the last safe haven you have on this earth. I would get a RO and it may wake her up a bit if she understands she will go to JAIL if she darkens your doorstep again. It may also keep her away from you at sports games.

Tabby, she should never ever be in your house. Please make sure that never happens again. If you do not protect yourself, no one else will. They are out to destroy you and you have to defend yourself.

Tabby-

What do your ex(?) team mates say about this situation? Do they support your WH and his situation? Or do they support you?

If they're supporting him, then I'd either appeal to their common sense, or drop them for new friends. I'd tell them that you're fighting for your marriage, and their condoning his behavior is seriously undermining your efforts. If they don't agree or refuse to help, move on to new friends.

If they're already in agreemant with you, then ask them to talk with him and her. Ask them not to condone his (gag) realationship with her, and ask them to do their best to help him see what he's doing, how wrong it is, and to not support it with their silence. Make it clear that you're fighting for your marriage, and you're asking their help in doing so.

You really do need to take ACTIVE steps to stop your H from bringing her to your house. As I'd said previously, I'd suggest you change the locks or do whatever it takes to keep him out as well...until he moves back in.

Mel is on the money...BOUNDARIES are key here.

Owl, most of the league is on my side including his teammates. There are a few exceptions - one girl in the league is OW's BF. But I don't think anybody wants to interfere either. I don't know that they would say anything to him (they would certainly think it). But on the other hand, I think I could throw a first-class fit in front of everyone without changing their opinion of me. I fully intend to make sure that everyone present knows that she is his ******. If nothing else, I'll embarrass them.

My locks are changed. He can't get in the house. He has no reason to be there at all in fact. I doubt he makes a habit of going there. I'm pretty sure he told me about his visit with her just to hurt me. In fact, he's such a liar who knows for sure if it really happened. I don't think an RO would do much if I'm not there to report that she was on the property.

WH hasn't tried to pick up OW's daughter from OWH's yet though I know they plan to do this. I almost wish they would just because OWH has a lot more ammo than I do in this scenario. There is certainly more chance of cops getting involved at least. They may have no respect for their BS's and they may be completely incapable of logical reasoning but I think they would understand the law if it was laid out for them.

But it might prevent her from taking the chance and more importantly, it would send a strong message that she is not to come around you. She would be risking jail if she tried that stunt again. And you don't have to be there to know if she comes or not. You weren't there the last time but you know about it now.

I suspect you are going to need to be VERY FIRM with this ho, because an OW who comes to your house is VERY BRAZEN about destroying you. Talk about entitlement!

Does the OWH know about MB? If not, perhaps you could encourage him to come here. If both BSs are better informed and equipped to deal with the infidels, then chances for success are increased.

It might be possible for OWH to get legal restrictions against your husband being around his daughter for instance. That would put a serious crimp in their plans to force themselves as a couple on the BSs.

OWH is looking into legal restrictions. So far, since WH hasn't actually come to his house, nothing can be done. It's a matter of time before he does and OWH will take action. Not that I want him to go through any more than he has, but I almost wish it would happen soon since it is the type of reality check he (WH) needs.