Like many others, this is my first time posting a message like this - but I am trying to do anything I can to save my marriage. Some background: We have been married for 7 years, engaged 1 year, dating for 2 (total 10 years). My husband has just told me a few weeks ago that he has been unhappy for a really long time (like 5 yrs!) and it just kind of hit him. He has told me he wants to get a divorce. We have no kids - but were just starting. We had an amazing relationship and somehow somewhere it went wrong and I definately feel as though I have to take ownership of most of it. When we were dating, we had an AMAZING sx life - but it dissapated as we were married. I always enjoyed when we did, but I always let him be the one to initiate. He had brought this up a couple times and I feel badly now that I did not take it more seriously as an issue. I thought to myself this is the way all my friends are also - it is just normal. Well it is not and I realize that now. It is not fair for one person to be always initiating that aspect of the relationship. We were intimate on average every 3 weeks or so. If you were to ask him, he would probably say every 5 weeks. Aside from a major revitalization needed in that department I also had my energies focused in all the wrong places. I work a somewhat demanding job and do some side work as a second job and thought that I deserved a cleaning lady and my H was deadset against it so I let the house be a mess and barely picked up after myself. Again, this was something he brought up to me and I did not take it seriously - I thought to myself (unconsiously at the time) - so the house is messy - what's the big deal. Well again, I realize now that if it is a big deal to one person, it is a big deal to the marriage. He also has been working 70-80 hours a week and refused to admit that could have anything to do with his unhappiness - he says he loves his job. I also dodged around changing my last name which was difficult for me b/c I kind of feel like it is part of my identity - but again it was something that was important to him, so I should have just realized that it meant more to him than to me. Our last major issue is the fact that I like nice (ok, expensive) things. He has said that all those things are what really matter to me and that I am materialistic and could not live without them. While I agree that I often get swept up in keeping up with the Jones' and having the next best thing - those things are not what define me as a person and I would give them all up in a heartbeat to have him be happy. Of course I have said this to him and he does not believe me. While I agree that we needed a major overhaul on our marriage - divorce is not the option that I want. I have told him that I never realized he was unhappy, and that I was sorry that I did not pay attention to the things that he had mentioned and that I am going to make a conscious effort everyday to change these things b/c I did not fully realize what impact they were having on me, him and us. He is at a point now where he seems to be just so angry that he cannot even comprehend getting past it. He came to one MC session with me which did not go well. He pretty much used the hour to tell me and her that there was no point in it for him b/c his mind was made up and he was just going b/c he thought I needed therapy. I have still been going by myself - and I ask him to go but he does not seem to want to do it. It has been 3 weeks. He has not moved out & he has not contacted a lawyer yet. On one hand he says that he is sure that he wants a divorce, but sometimes he says and does things that leads me to believe that there is hope. He says he still loves me... I just need some advice from anyone who may have been here before to see if there is anthing that can be done to get him out of this horrible place he is in and see that we can change and make the marriage even better than it was in the beginning.

My hope lies in the fact that he has not made any moves to move out yet or contact a lawyer. He has also told me that he feels he has been depressed for some time. The MC gave him the names of some other people to see if he did not feel comfortable with her since she is seeing me as well so I am hoping he calls one of them. While we are sleeping in seperate rooms, he sometimes comes in while he thinks I am asleep in the morning and gives me a kiss goodbye. He also seemed to act upset when I told him that I had contacted our realtor to look at selling the house. Of course for the last few weeks the house has been immaculate and I have tried to be as productive and positive as I can be about the changes I want to make in my life to show him that I mean business. I can see in his eyes that he still loves me - what we had was amazing and that doesn't just go away. I just think he is hurt, angry and confused and walking this line of which he could fall in either direction. I know in my heart that if he does go through with this he will regret his decision later on in life. For as much as I am being very hard on myself right now - I know that while I wasn't doing everything right and what I was supposed to, there were many things that I did right and we have always had such a good time together. Any H's out there have any advice for me on how I can convince him to give us a shot? That is all I am asking for him - not an eternal committment - just a chance to show him that I/we can make this work.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to the right place.

You may want to post this on General Questions II as that board gets more traffic.

Could your husband be having an affair? When that sort of thing - "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type stuff starts, it is usually an indication of an affair.

Can you check email, cell phone records, and such to see if there's anything incriminating there?

He may not be in an affair but that sort of thing seems to be the way it goes after a long period of emotional drought.

Read up on Plan A here on this site. You've identified some of his emotional needs (ENs) like domestic support (DS), SF (sexual fulfillment) that need working on... good place to start.

Also, identify your love-busters - things that you may say or do that drain his love-bank. Work on eliminating them first, then start to build up his love bank by fulfilling his emotional needs. It sounds like you've identified some of the major problems - work on yourself and work to resolve those and there's hope for your M even if he's a bit reluctant right now.

DO find out if there's another woman (OW)... and if there is, read up on exposure and expose it. If there's a third party in your marriage, she has to be cast out first, then Plan A, eliminating love busters and filling emotional needs.

It's good that he hasn't moved out or contacted an attorney - that shows that he's not he**-bent on leaving just yet and that gives you some time to put your plan into motion - but don't wait - start right now... you're already starting from the sound of things.

In loving support,

JinGA

Thank-you for your support. I really do not think there is someone else. For all the problems we have had, trust & honesty has always been our strong suit. I have looked around a little and have not found anything. I have been cheated on in the past (by previous boyfriends) and what they say about you knowing in your gut is true. I have read almost everything on this site and I think I have good idea of how to make things better (the idea of the deposits in the love bank really put it into clear perspective for me) - but for alot of the things I need to do, ie intimacy & communication etc - I need him to be open to in order to improve. That is the hard part right now for me, getting him to open his eyes and see that I can, I want, and am willing to change. He thinks that he has given me so many chances before, and yes, he has told me how it annoys him that I do this or I don't do that - but he has never told me that he was unhappy or having doubts about our marriage. If I wasn't hearing what he was saying before, hearing that he was unhappy certainly got my attention b/c he is the most important thing to me and I would never want that (even though I let my actions not alwyas show it)!

Good that you have your eyes and ears open. Keep them that way.

One thing I'm learning (and I'm divorced so I may not be the best to counsel you!) is that all the things I'm learning here are for ME. Improving ME... I think that applies across the board.

It's about working on yourself ... become that better person and your H should see that. And of course if you've tried to change before and it wore off, sometimes spouses are a bit cyincal about the stick-tuitiveness.

I know during my M we had problems and XH promised to change or fix this or that about himself - and it never stuck. Ironically now that we're divorced he made some serious changes to himself, and that is what has attracted me back to him. He doesn't want to rebuild (at least not yet) - but I'm continuing to work on myself and show him as much as I can that MY changes, that I made for ME, have stuck.

You might want to buy His Needs Her Needs and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. I'm working on those books right now and they are eye-opening.

JinGA

I am sorry you have found yourself here. But let me give you my thoughts...

I am a WH. I acted the same way as your H appears to be from your post. "I have not been happy for a long time..." etc. etc. What made me realize that? Another woman who was meeting my emotional needs. Was she what I really wanted. HE** NO! I wanted that from my W. Read up on affairs being addictions. In a way, if he is in one, he is ashamed of it. Don't be scared to snoop and even confront. You sound like you really want to save your marriage, and this is the time to fight. Sure, he may be confrontational at first, but stopping an affair will make your recovery MUCH easier. Showing him that you will do anything to keep him from another woman would speak volumes, but its not enough. I was addicted as all the literature states. You have to get in there and break that connection. If it's at work, expose it. I'm speaking from being on the other side of an affair, and it has ruined my life. I love my W, and always have, but I was addicted to a drug that would never be what my W was to me. 10 years is a big investment to give up. Even if he hates you for a few months because you've ruined his job (70-80 hours a week at work? 10-30 of those hours could be with OW) He will realize he loves you when he has nothing, and you won't have an affair to overcome on your road to recovery. DON'T for a second think he's always been honest and trustworthy so you don't think it would happen. If it is happening, he's addicted and just like a crack addict, will do anything to keep it. BREAK THAT ADDICTION, its for both of your own good. I so wish my W would have stepped in. Sure it would have ruined a lot of things in my life, but we would be WAY better off than we are now. She's broken, our fidelity is broken, there will always be that other person that one time, if there is even a chance for us to recover. FIGHT, don't assume anything. Rely on facts, not your heart.

I wish you the best.

B

Thank-you Brutschm for your comments. I know everyone keeps telling me that it is an OW, and I agree that on the surface all things do point to that. But I have looked into that as much as possible without crossing major lines & there are a couple reasons which I believe that to not be the case. Also, I wanted to clarify that while he does work at least 50hrs in the office - the remainder of his workweek is done at home on weeknights & weekends. I don't want to seem as though I am in denial, it very well could be a possiblity - but I do not have any information to lead me to believe that would be the case.

Any advice, assuming there is no OW, on how I can get him to open his mind and give us a chance? How should I be around him? I am trying to walk a fine line of being nice, friendly, loving but not needy or overly affectionate - very difficult to do when all I want to do is run up and kiss him!

SavingUS,

I think you should read about withdrawal. That is the state your H is in right now. It could be because of an affair, emotional or physical, but it could simply be because he feels he is way down on your "to do" list. Women withdraw and divorce men all of the time because their focus is on their job and nothing else. Men withdraw when they feel they are NOT needed.

IF he feels that you only need him to maintain your life style and to obtain better things and keep up with the Jones, then his response is pretty predictable especially when there is little or no intimacy.

Men bond emotionally via intimacy. Women tend to do it via conversation and family/financial support. These are generalization, but consider them.

What you seem to be missing is that he does not need a "good friend" although you should be that, he needs a WIFE to share his life with and intimacy with. Of all of the needs that men and women have (see Harley's book His Needs/Her Needs), the ONLY one that cannot be filled by someone else without violating many vows is intimacy. Friends If handled properly can supply many of our needs from time to time, but not intimacy.

I think rather than begging for another chance, you should simply suggest that the you two talk about what HE feels like, and his anger, and his QUITING the marriage. Yup he is quiting and most men don't like to admit that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You cannot be his counselor, but you can be his W and you can show him that YOUR perspective can and is changing. You don't need to change, just your perspective does. The same goes for him. Make it very clear you don't want him to change but you would like him to give you the chance to change his perspective on how you value things.

People grow, learn, make mistakes, continue to learn and grow. A good marriage take YEARS to create and some of the reasons are just what you are learning right now.

Hope this helps, and please consider posting in the Emotional Needs section unless some evidence comes up to the contrary with regard to an affair. Beaware that an emotional affair can be just a deadly. If you hear I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you very often. You can pretty much bet something is up.

God Bless,

JL