Click HERE for one thread that discussed dealing with the images.

I'm sure there are more threads available since that's not an uncommon issue.

No, not every man, not me. This thought needs to stop and stop today.

Your putting the cart before the horse. You need to break up this A and then you can work on getting past the hurt and on to healing.

Your right this is a good thing. Any problems that come up will help to put a strain on their relationship.

It's a question from her, not me - one of the reasons that she doesn't want to come back is that she thinks it's not possible for me to get over it.

Okay. I would suggest this approach.

"Wife end the affair and commit to our marriage and I assure you that I intend to do everything within my power to heal from this. My ability to heal is going to be impacted by your ability to work *with* me to make our marriage what it should be. It will take *both* of us. I cannot guarantee that I will not feel pain for a long time, or that I won't need to tell you that I am hurting, but I can guarantee that I will not hold it over your head or use it as a weapon."

If this is something the two of you are discussing, you have GOT to make sure that she understands the difference between you being free to feel and express the pain and you trying to "beat" her up with it. Do you understand what I am saying?

Because if her idea of you "getting over it" is that you can never discuss it, can never reference it without her reacting negatively, and must paste some silly grin over your bleeding heart - then I would tell her that you *can't* do that.

Do you see how it is very, very important to determine what the two of you specifically mean when each of you say "get over it"?

I've told her that I won't hold it over her head. That has been one of the problems of our marriage anyway - both of us treating negotiation and compromise as a power struggle. I won't behave that way if we get back together not just in this but in everything.

I've also told her that it's up to her to help me through it, and that there will be problems for a long time.

I think she's probably just using this excuse to stall while she decides what she wants to do while still keeping me on the hook.

Also, whenever she talks to me about the OM she has a smile on her face. At the moment, I don't think that she would even be able to genuinely apologize to me for this - let alone be understanding with me. In some sense she feels like she hasn't done anything wrong because she had sex with him after moving out and into her own place.

I'm waiting for her call - I'm trying not to call her because she often doesn't pick up and it makes me feel worse. We talk every day anyway.

Sex with other women? Is she kidding???

Maybe I'm just real naive, but I think there's something real wrong with that.

I dunno.

A couple of things...

I didn't behave very well when she first left - I spoke to her for weeks very upset and promised her all kinds of stuff. She wanted an amicable divorce and, of course, if we were going to get divorced then that's what I would want to. I gave her ~$3500 to pay the deposit and first/last month's rent on a house (BIG mistake). She didn't tell me that he would be moving in there too! Then I refused to give her the other $2000 that she needed, because I thought it was absurd that I should pay for him to live there! Anyway, she got angry at first about that and then backed down when I got angry (she became conciliatory).

Now, since she has our children for half the week and I make more than she does, I agreed to pay child support to her. Should I go through with this? She and him have big financial problems living there together.

Bear in mind that me using money to control her was a problem in our marriage and I don't want to remind her of that.

The other thing is I think that part of the reason that she won't come back is that she would see it as giving in to me. Again, our marriage before was often about power struggles and I want to reassure her that that will end if she comes back.

Giving her the money is simultaneously enabling them to live together but withholding it penalizes the babies and reminds her of a sore point of our marriage...

I'm inclined to give it to her.

So your wife dumped you for another man, moved in with that man, and wants you to pay the rent for her to live with her lover?

Tell her NO!!!!!

I'm guessing (I don't know how much you make though) that $3500 is alot more than she would be entitled to for child support if she had full custody of the kids...and if you are actually splitting custody 50/50 then there is typically no child support at all...each parent pays for their expenses for the children.

Tell her she can come back home (give up the other house and not have it as a backup plan) and ditch the OM (complete NC forever) then you will talk with her about sharing the funds. If she still wants you to provide for her then she needs to come home and do the work...put the marriage back together.

Plan A does not mean you give her money and support her while she lives with the OM. You need to get her to come home and one of the ways to do that may be to force her to try and make it on her own...with her unemployed OM. Obviously financial support is a big EN for her, and when she's home you'll be happy to provide that and meet that need.

wibbler, you should not give her any money at all, except what is ordered by the court. If you give her money, you only finance her affair, which is harmful to you and your kids. If she were a heroin addict, would you give her heroin just so she wouldn't feel "controlled?" Of course you wouldn't. Giving her money only harms your marriage because it enables her affair.

I would not allow the kids to be there half the time either, how is that good for them to be dragged out of their safe home to accommodate her affair? And most especially, I would not allow them to be around the OM. He is an unfit adult that should not be around your children. It is up to you to protect them from him as best you can. This is how little kids end up getting molested.

Hang onto your money for you and your kids. If she wants to move out and have an affair, she can get money from the OM and get a job.

p.s. Plan A does not stand for appeasement and [censored] kissing, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Appeasement will get you nowhere except DIVORCED.

Well, I didn't realize he would be moving in with her when I gave it to her! I was very naive indeed. And even so I never should have given it to her - she gave me some BS about this house having bad memories and she couldn't be here.

The child support would only be ~$600/month for 2 toddlers. At least that's our best guess as to what it would be if we were divorced.

I'm going to talk to her later and find out if he's moving out - then I'll see what to do from there.

She wouldn't allow that to happen. Who the ****** do you think she is?

Yes, well, I realize that now. I was kind of swinging in the dark there for a few weeks after she left and I allowed her to push me around.

The question now is how to salvage the situation. She likes her new house, apparently hates this one and she's signed a year lease there. I'm OK with selling this house and living with her there for a year, I suppose.

If you've already given her $3500 then you don't "owe" her anything for another six months! Again, though, if you are sharing custody 50/50, you shouldn't be required to pay any child support at all. She chose this life, you do not have to finance it for her.

I recommend not giving her any money that supports her choice to have an affair. She can choose between the life with you (including the money) or not. If she chooses not then let her fend for herself and feel the effect of not having you there to bail her out. She cannot have it both ways. There is a HUGE difference between "controlling her with the money" and supporting an affair lifestyle. Don't let her manipulate you with guilt into paying for her to live that life.

I agree that the children should have one home (preferably not with a wayward), especially when your wife is spending most of her time trying to start up a new business and is carrying on an affair. I'm not saying she would allow anything to happen to your children, but they need a safe, stable environment with their own rooms and their own stuff. Did you allow your wife to remove any of their stuff from your house when she left?

Wibbler, I'm sure she wouldn't "allow" it to happen, but happen it does.

In fact, in a way to emphasize that it does indeed happen, just today a poster put a link to a child she knows.

Here is the LINK

It is not an uncommon news item to read of live-in boyfriends (who are not the father of the child) who baby sat for their girlfriend and beat up the baby while mom was away.

The boyfriends have no emotional or physical bond with the baby, they have little experience of dealing with the needs of a baby and took out their frustration physically against the baby.

I know a couple in which the wife (who was having an affair, unbeknownst to the husband) insisted on selling their home and moving into an apartment while they built a new house. The ink was still wet on the closing documents of the sale when she took the check - the entire profit from the sale of the house - and told him he couldn't move in with her to the new apartment. She even convinced him that "in order to have any chance at reconciliation" she needed him to co-sign on the new house mortgage (that he would NOT be moving into). He did it, thinking he didn't want to be controlling and he wanted to do whatever she said hoping for a reconciliation. He now lives in a one-bedroom apartment without his kids or his wife...and she moved her boyfriend in with her.

Your wife needs to live with the consequences of her decisions. It is truly the only way she will have a chance to see the light.

I'd be very careful about selling any assets (house) until this is worked out.

Sell your house? WHY? You should not sell your house, wibbler! Simply tell her you won't be paying for her house any more. She is a grown woman and will figure it out on her own. Her house is her problem, not yours. You have a family to take care of, let her and OM take care of their affair lair. You and your kids should not give up your home so she can act like an alley cat in heat. If anyone should sacrifice for her affair, it should be HER, not her victims.

Secondly, the odds of children being molested increases DRAMATICALLY when children are exposed to boyfriends. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. The mother doesn't "allow" it, she doesn't know it is happening. Your kids shouldn't be exposed to her adultery partner, period. Doing so increases their chances of being molested and also sends the message that adultery is AOK. It causes moral confusion in kids and causes them to doubt their instincts about right and wrong.

yes, i gave her half of their toys, and she has some clothes, bottles etc. what's wrong with that? she is their mother after all - if she wants them then she has to be able to have them. In fact, after she left, she left them both with me for 6 weeks (while she started up with this guy) - I probably should have insisted that she look after them halftime _then_.

she's filled in the papers to get divorced - she can get money if we get divorced. i don't want to make her file.