Qualities of a fit mother do not include:

Lying
Cheating
Adultery
Secrecy from husband
Placing OM before family
Placing OM before husband
Leaving family and home for adulterous sexual partner
Taking money from husband to support adulterous sexual partner


You can add to the list yourself, Wibbler. Fit parents teach their children the exact opposite of the above list. There is much more to the term "fit". You see, exposing your kids to the lifestyle that she has chosen makes her unfit.

Right now, she has chosen to be "free". She doesn't want a family. She doesn't want responsibility. She doesn't want anything but her OM, and the fantasy that she believes she has become entitled to somehow. She believes this fantasy life will magically come true if she leaves you, the kids, the....everything....behind and goes off and lives a fantasy-come-true-prince-and-princess-love-of-a-lifetime life with OM.

She isn't right in the head, Wibbler. She is living in a fantasy world. She is telling you that you "have a chance" because she is hedging her bets. Because she KNOWS this fantasy is just that - a FANTASY - and that at any moment it WILL come crashing down. And she has to return to reality land.

Marriage Builders has a plan to hasten that return, if you will LISTEN.

And follow through.

The money thing was very good, first step.

The second thing is to recognize that your wife, is not your wife. She is not herself, she is wayward, she is living in a sort of fog, where she wants to be out of her home life, and yet in her home life, and off with OM, and in with you, and it's called "cake-eating". She is NOT herself. You are in love with your wife, not WW. At times, she may show you the wife, at other times, WW. You will come to recognize the difference, and which person you are dealing with.

You Plan A the wife, and deal completely differently with WW. You need to read up on Reverse Babble for WW, so you can be ready for that.

This is a difficult process, and you have just started!

But the posters are RIGHT. You are not talking to your everyday, regular wife Wibbler. Take a really good look at her behavior, and who she is when she talks to you, each and every time. Be careful who you are talking to, and be ready for W or WW.

I hope you are reading Plan A, and also there is a post called "The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A", which should help you a lot. You don't want to be a doormat in this.

SB



Note to hopeandpray - the word is "incapable" ;-)

Actually, I've thought about it and what she's saying is crap. She's off 2 days a week and she doesn't even want them for those days. It's all just another lie.

I suppose this is "fog". In fact, I should take this as a reason to carry on - but it's difficult to find much love for her when she's doing this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think I would have given up when she slept with him if it wasn't for the children.

In any case, the reason that she needs the money now for childcare is that our stepdaughter (14 yrs old) has gone to live with her father for a month, and she and her brother (10 yrs old) were looking after the babies.

And she works until 11pm, so I either have to pay for extra childcare up to 11 at night (while I'm free to take care of them) so that she can see them asleep when she gets home and maybe a few hours in the morning??? It doesn't make any sense.

On top of that, she doesn't even have a room for them in that house - they sleep in her room (with the OM, I presume???). There's really no question here at all, sadly.

You need to find out if she has had OM around the children, especially for "sleep overs". Most Judges frown on this big time when and if a custody battle ensues. Get a PI to follow them to the home and get photos (don't tell WW you have them), then go for a temporary hearing to secure finances, child support, full custody, etc.

Wibbler,

Don't do anything that enables her in the affair, or anything that makes her more "comfortable". Do NOTHING in this direction at all, including assisting her with childcare expenses that helps her put those kids in the room with her adulterous lover. The thought of that makes moral women

SICK

I cannot fathom EVER having my children in the same room with a man I am not married to.

Period.

OMG

She really is not thinking straight. And you really need to protect those children, because she is not thinking straight.

On her worst day, before this affair, do you honestly think she would have agreed that THIS would have been a good idea????????

NOPE.

She is not herself. This demonstrates it. You have to think FOR her, because she is not able to do it herself. Later on, she will thank you for it. When you are through Plan A, and she is back at home and through withdrawal from the OM.

But you need to get on board right now with Plan A, and get the stick in your hand, man up, and start swinging.

Fight for this marriage.

Sb

protect your children at all costs....do not let your wife around them while she is with the OM...get a restraining order of you need to. Your wife is a bad mother Wibbler. Perhaps one day she can become a good mother again...but recognize that the woman you married is now a person that will put her children and family through ****** so that she can go jump on the other man. Think about it... do you really think your kids are safe in that enviroment.

This is your wife now... same person...her actions are now defining her new identity....and until her actions change, you need to protect your children and yourself. Don't take too much though...your children are your first priority and they NEED YOU.

Isn't it best to do this in the most gentle way possible? So that there's less resentment if they come back and a more amicable divorce if they don't?

In this case, for instance, she doesn't want the babies anyway, so there's no need to go to extreme measures like restraining orders, PIs and courts.

The health insurance I suppose I should stop.

I'm not sure that I'm doing a very good plan A either.
Yesterday, for instance, she called me up and asked for help with some work she was doing. I went over there happy because I thought it was a chance to spend some pleasant time together. When I got there, her boyfriend came out and she asked me in an even sweeter voice if I would work with him to get the work done. I should have walked out then, I think. But I (sulkily) told her how to do it and I think he went off and did it. Again, I should have walked out then.

After that, though, we talked for a while and I got into trying to convince her and then argue with her etc.

It didn't end badly, we got back to cordiality but I don't think it was a good move on my part.

only do this if necessary.

as far as the rest of your post.. I have a hard time addressing it because I wouldn't want to take her back after she had my kids doing a little sleepover with the OM.. That would be a complete deal breaker for me.



another deal breaker for me. And how many of his teeth did he need to pick up off the floor. Your wife has no respect for you. None.

No, and there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. They won't resent you for fighting for your marriage. Just like any addict, you need to expose them to the consequences of their actions so they can hit rock bottom. Otherwise there is no reason for them to change their behavior.


Trust me, if it comes down to a divorce, she'll talk to a lawyer, and she'll grab everything she can from you, including your children because waywards have a sense of entitlement.


Anything that enables her affair and adds to her sense of entitlement should stop.


What a b!tch! And you think she isn't an unfit mother right now? As long as she is living with OM, I wouldn't go over there at all. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected like that, plus you put yourself in a position to lose it.

Wib

Listen to Jim and MEDC...You are being so disrespected by WW.

Example: I met my ex (EX) WW the other day to exchange the children while on my way to vacation location and she and OM and my children were returning from vacation location nearby my vacation destination. I told her that I would see HER for the exchange and anyone else attending the exchange would be a bad idea and she could determine what that meant. She knew full well what it meant and dropped OM at a convienence store before meeting me. Smart move by ex WW and real good for OM.

My point is that I am not even married to ex WW anymore but even now I choose, nay demand to not be disrespected by her. To do so will most certainly ellicit a response of that be sure.

Stop being disrespected!

It's disturbing how many people post on here about how they got divorced...

Wibbler -


I think you missed the H&P's point.

It wasn't about the fact that he is divorced.

It was about the fact that you need to stand up for yourself and demand the respect that should be given to any adult human being. Male or female.

People will treat you exactly how you let them.

It's not about divorce. It's not about marriage. It's not about getting your wife back.

In the end, it's really about you. Respect yourself as an adult, and demand that respect from others.

This is an infidelity forum. Of course some people are going to be divorced. Some people didn't find MB in time, others didn't work for other reasons. That is no reason to dismiss the advice we give. I can name you a TON of MB BSs who SAVED their marriage. There is me, MelodyLane, Pepperband, MrWondering, BobPure*, Orchid, ForeverHers, piojitos, Mortarman, Neak, Bigkahuna, silentlucidity, shattered dreams, normalguy, stph20, and frognomore to name just a few off the top of my head

Wib

I would rather be divorced than stand by and be completelty disrespected in front of my son, God and everyone else. See I fought for our marriage using MB principles including Plan A (where I sometimes felt disrespected). But, man at some point you have to say enough is enough and I am not talking about quitting on the marriage. My ex WW had the opportunity to come back up until the divorce. However, she would have come back respecting me and our marriage and our family or she wasn't coming back period. She chose OM, lifestyle, etc of me and our son (who she now sees EOW). I didn't choose that for her or us but I would not be direspected and made a fool of either. What does that teach my son?

Even to this day she may not even like me for what I was forced to do by HER hand. But I can promise you this, she respects me. She has made her own bed and can live in it.

I will guarantee you this; no woman is going to stay with a man (and vice versa) that she can't respect. She may stay around and cake eat (take his money, use him) but she will not ultimately be an equal partner to him. Do what you will.

Wibbler...

Love and respect are inextricably bound for women...Be her hero...Be the man that you want to be...And if you can do it without getting into a physical altercation, let OM know that you are in this for the LONG HAUL-He's a single guy, you have the advantage of making your wife too much trouble for him and he will soon see that and dump her if you play this right...Attack his insecurities through your WW...Anything that you say to her WILL get repeated to OM...I'm willing to bet that OM is insecure about finances, in a big way for instance...One of the things that Mr. W did was tell me an inflated dollar amount that I had spent the year before...He KNEW that I would repeat that to the OM and of course I did...OM was SERIOUSLY insecure about finances and with good reason, he was flat broke...Telling him how much I'd spent the year before left him REELING in feeling that he could NEVER support such a lifestyle-Made him feel inadequate as all get out...And there were other things like that that Mr. W did...This is a form of psychological warfare and you are quite naturally the BEST man here...Use it to your advantage...

Make yourself and us proud...I've got a slogan for you..."The Wibbler may wobble, but he WON'T fall down!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Sorry, that's been in my mind since I first saw your name here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

And Wibbler, with the divorce rate around 50%, and with 60% of marriages suffering infidelity surely you can understand why you would see some divorced folks around here and EVERYWHERE...Here's the thing though, you now have the BEST chance possible for marital reconcilliation and survival, you now have MB...There are no guarantees of course...The fastest horse may not always win, but it's still the best bet, wouldn't ya say? I've visited other sites regarding infidelity and MB is DEFINITELY the best...You know what separates it? Here there are PLANS and GOALS...Everywhere else people run about all willy nilly and there is only COMISSERATION...and that does NOTHING but keep you in victim mode which equals MISERY...I can assure you that you are in the BEST possible place...

Have you considered calling Steve Harley for a personalized plan? It would be the BEST money you've ever spent...That I CAN guarantee you...

No matter if you experience marital recovery or personal recovery here, YOU will still be OKAY...

Mrs. W

Wibbler,

Your WW is using you, and you need to start into the MB plans really quick, because time is passing fast.

When she calls you for "help" your first question should be, "is your OM still there?", and if he is, then you must tell her that as long as he is there, then you cannot help her out. Be honest with the fact that this is hurting you, and that you still love her, but you will not do things that do not build your marriage, and helping her continue her affair will not be part of anything you will do. You will, however, help her come back home, and you are willing at any time to help her do that, and to cut off all contact with him. That building your marriage is what you will "help" her do, and you are ready and willing to do that today.

You need to read up on how to be the best man you can be in Plan A, and yet give her the consequences of her affair at the same time.

Plan A does not provide for you to go over and HELP HER OM do his chores at her house.

That is not in the plan.

That is being a doormat.

He is not your friend, and at this point, she isn't either. In fact, your response to her requests to be your "friend" should be, "I cannot be your friend. I am your husband, which is more than a friend, and I do not ever wish to be friends with you. I see the role as friend as less than what I want to be in your life, and won't accept that role in your life."

Again, please read "The Carrot and the Stick" of Plan A.

You need to get on board fast, man.

Read!!!!! Then, act according to the plan.

Also, Dr. Harley's fees are probably easily within your budget, given what you've posted here.

Call today.

SB

Wibbler...
regarding your comments about hearing about people's divorce...I will echo what another poster has said... I would rather be divorced 100 times than to tolerate the type of behavior your wife is laying at your feet.
She is treating you like you are less than dirt. I would 100% skip the MB techniques in this case and head straight for divorce.
IMHO, you need to demand respect from this sad excuse for a woman. I mean what kind of person has her H come over to help her screw friend to do a task...a lousy, no good, cheating ******... wake up and smell the coffee. You should have cleaned that guys clock then and there...instead, you leave and your wife stay there with her "friend".

Divorce... and never trust her again.

also...remember, your children will learn from you...they will learn that dad either stood up and demanded respect or they will learn to be doormats. What skills do you want them to take into their relationships???
What would you tell your son or daughter if they were being treated like this???
Protect those kids... get them away from the monster they call mommy....if she changes later on, fine, you can decide if you want her back then... if not... you have done your part for your children. That is so much more important than this "marriage."
I may be divorced Wibbler....but I have a good life and self respect. Claim yours.

MEDC...

I believe that Wibbler came here to try and SAVE his marriage using Marriage Builders Principles...His WW has not done anything more heinous than any other WS around here...She is a GARDEN VARIETY WS, plain and simple...I'm sure you'll agree that it is Wibbler's CHOICE as to whether or not he wishes to try and save his marriage...The advice that you are doling out is NOT helpful towards what I believe to be his goal-He is certainly welcomed to correct me if I'm wrong...This is far from a hopeless situation and your implying that it is, is ANTI MB and HARMFUL to Wibbler...I'm not sure what is going on with you lately, but I've certainly noticed a pretty steep shift in your attitude...Maybe you need a break from this place until you are ready to help SUPPORT what this site is all about...Marriage Building...

Mrs. W