My husband began an affair over a year ago. I found out about it in December, and he said he ended it then and we began the process of rebuilding our marriage. So I thought! He did not end contact or the affair so for the next 6 months we have been in what Steve H. calls "false recovery" End of May he was found out that he had not ended it and I told him to leave and he did for 2 weeks and came back because of the kids, 3 of them. To say the least the last few weeks have been very difficult. Now I more firmly believe that he has ended contact. But the last week he seems to be "worse" and I'm not helping matter with my anger. This week he has told me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want me and I think he has himself convinced that he wants out and a divorce. We have been working with Steve, me more than him of course. Steve tells me that he is probably in withdrawal because is is so irritable and mad at me and that this is consistent with withdrawal. How hard is this though???? How long will this last and how much longer can I take this. I am not willing to give up on this marriage. We have been married for 22 years and I believe that we can make it work despite all of this. I do believe in the theory. I just wish he could see that. I guess the reason I am posting is because I was hoping that someone could give me hope and maybe I might find encouragement from their situation. I feel like I need some encouragement to continue on the right path. Am I on the right path?

I think you are. You have children, I think that you shouldn't give up while you still love him and have any good reason for feeling hopeful.

For me, the important thing is that if you don't do everything you can now, you will never get another chance. If it doesn't work out, you can have less regret because you know that you did everything you could.

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's even tougher when there is still love for the spouse that hurt you. Keep trying to encourage your H to get back into therapy...as there may be some other underlying concerns which drove him to the A in the first place.

In the end though, you'll have to ask yourself the hard question: what are you prepared to do in case he continues resisting therapy? This can't be easy on yourself or your self-esteem. At come point, you will have to start taking care of you, too.

Lots of luck.

Hi

welcome

sorry you find yourself here

I wanted to point something out to you...

you said:


then, you said this ...


I think after suffering the horror of infidelity ... it is extremely important for you to know exactly what your limit is

for now, you may not know what your limit is ... but may I suggest you think about it ... until you are certain what your bottom line is .... including your timeline

passionpeach, are you advertising some other marriage recovery concern here? I clicked on your "blog" and it is an advertisement for some concern called "Marital Matters." http://www.marital-matters.com/ What is up with that? Are you advertising here? It looks like you are selling books? http://astore.amazon.com/eliteadminsol-20

NZ, yes there is hope as long as he has ended contact with the OW. As Steve has probably told you, that is the key that will make recovery possible. I agree very much with Steve that he is showing the signs of withdrawal. As he withdraws from the OW, he will draw TO YOU as long as you remain an attractive alternative. I know it hard not to be furious and hard not to lovebust, but come here and vent to US instead of him. We know what you are going through and can help you through it.

Steve really is the best, so please stick with him. Although much of what he says seems counterintuitive, it is very effective.

How does your husband react to Steve?

I haven't been an attractive alternative at all right now, and I am coming to terms with that. I find Steve to be VERY helpful and motivational! My H on the otherhand does not want to listen to him, and is NOT hearing him, BUT he does still keep talking to him, and I just keep reinterating that he is the best source for our marriage. I noticed you were from Texas, where? I'm in Dallas area. Thanks for giving me the encouragement, I think it's what I need now.

Here is a thought that might help you with that. When you feel the urge to lash out with your emotions, just remember that you make the OW LOOK GOOD when you do. SHE is not lashing out at him, for sure!! So, it helps her tremendously when you do!! So, instead of helping HER, hold onto that anger and help yourself instead.


Hopefully the fog will blow over and he will hear!


I am in Houston now! I just moved here 2 weeks ago from Longview. There are others in your area, though. I believe Princess Meggy is in Dallas. And several of us met in Dallas last February.

I am brand new to this site. I am encouraged by things I have read here, but the problems in my marriage seem bigger even than the infidelity issue. I am trying to figure out how to start a new thread topic to address my questions. Sorry to intrude on this forum, but it is one of the few places that I've seen where I can give input. If someone could answer my question as to how to start a new thread, I would appreciate it.

lamby

lamby,

Click HERE

Then look for the button at the top that says "Post".

Click on that and start typing.