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#1907572 07/11/07 09:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 8
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 8
HI gang,

I am back. I tried all of the Love Buster's stuff and have worked on my marriage. I have and now meeting all of my wife's needs however I am still feeling alone, busted and disgusted. I know that I don't need to be with this person. I think I have stayed for so long that I am afraid of what will happen if I leave. I know that she can't financially support herself and that worries me. I know that she doesn't have many options. I have unfornately taken care of everything that she needs and now she is dependant on me. I know that I care about her or I would have left a long time ago. I WANT to leave, however I also WANT to make sure that she is okay if I leave.

Now, was has really prompted this move is that we got into an arguement and she called me the "N" word. She is white and I am black. I was shocked and first and she offered a lame excuse for saying it. I was really upset because she called me this word out of anger. I forgave her and then in an arguement, she called me that again. I don't use this word, nor do I tolerate anyone around me using this word. This incident happened over 4 months ago and it is still on my heart and mind. I fell like she has no respect for me as a person or a man. Yeah, I have cheated on her and she on me, but I would never do something of this extent. I have sought conseling and my decision is final, I can't stay with someone that treats me in this manner. She makes other comments like calling me a black ******, and she also refers to mexican americans as "[censored]". We have kids and I don't want them rasised with these word in their vocabulary. Already, my daughter is who is 5, is making comments about color of skin. I was taught that this doesn't matter.

I know your questions now are, have I talked to her about this. Yes, Yes ,Yes. Her remarks are that I am over reacting. She then says well black people say it why can't I. I then respond by saying, I don't use the word. Who cares about anyone else. I know that she knows how I feel and yet she continues. I don't want my children rasied this way. I am hurt that when she looks at me, she doesn't see a man, but she sees a black man.

You thoughts?

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 714
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My thoughts are that I would not want to try to pour the most beautiful part of my maleness into such a tiny vessel.

Your wife is prejudiced, but you knew that already. It makes it doubly curious to me why she would attempt an interracial relationship in the first place, since prejudice is rarely something achieved as a growth process, it is something that is created when we are naive about things, and it is still a struggle for interracial couples in the first place.

I have had relationships with white women and black women, but I only have to put them into boxes like that when I encounter situations like yours. I am sorry that your relationship has gotten to this place, what a mess. My XW is of Hispanic descent, as well. That doesn't make her anything good or bad.

Color of skin doesn't matter in the world you and I try to create, but...some of the other 6 billion people keep things like that alive; it is the basic tenent of "like me, good...not like me, bad." Yes, that is about as selfish as it gets, my friend. You are doing everyone a great service when you state that you intend to allow your children to grow up in an environment that does not tolerate that sort of thinking.

I think that it is a mistake to say that we are tolerant of differences. It implies that differences are bad, and they are not - they are just differences. I would rather say that I was intolerant of intolerance, than to tell you that I was willing to accept that you are black, as if you or I had a choice, or that one was better than the other. That is ri-freakin'-diculous!

It is entirely possible that her anger has to do with the PAs, not your race. For cryin' out loud, how did she manage all this time? Think about it...that is just a bit much, don't you think?

Hey...when I see you as a black man, it is not an insult! Don't give her that, don't you do that! I know at least as many worthless white men as anything else...and those worthless white men are our problem. Be black, be proud of the man you are and also...try and be proud of whatever else you are. I can see that you are thinking about how your children view the world, and that is excellent in any case. You know that race does not define us by nature, but that we can be small enough to use that when we are out of logical options.

The whole use of the word is buggered up. I am from the South, and there are still people that use it to mean ignorant, which is where it came from in the first place. It is deragotory, to be sure, but you are not ignorant...so don't give it any power. The best we can do is to take the power from the word. I will agree to never use it, as I have other words for ignorant people of all description. It is a heavily-charged word, which is the only reason that it is ever used at all. My opinion is it is often used by blacks to reach a common ground. I think that offends elitist whites because now they have one less weapon at their disposal. Just look at Russell Simmons' and Al Sharpton's views on it. I think that we are figuring it out well, now. You seem to be assaulted by it, and I think your response is wise. Maybe our children can help us get rid of it once and for all.

Don't feel alone, I would not want you to feel alone. I struggled with my marriage for a long time. I lost, and I felt like you do for a long time. You are not alone.

God bless you.

Last edited by waiting_for_her; 07/15/07 02:15 AM.

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