Ok... here goes.
A year ago, I found out that my husband, JW, had been "touching" his oldest daughter from his first marriage, who lived with us. As the story unfolded, I also discovered that he had "touched" his neice before he and I married. Then it also came out that he had been touching our 4 year old daughter as well. He is now in prison and will be there for a number of years. I have tried to be gentle and patient with him, forgiving, but not allowing him to abuse our family further. I have tried and tried to find a way for reconciliation, which he states that he wants, but fights me at every corner. I feel like I am the only one trying in this situation. He attempts have been minimal as well as his apologies. At what point do you say, "enough is enough"... and go for the divorce? It would seem to me that complete reconciliation is not possible. Even if he and I were to be able to come to a point of being able to trust again, he would never be allowed to live with us, as it would put the children in danger. I am beginning to believe that for me to stay in marriage to him is selfish. The children need a father-figure in their lives. I need someone who can truely be a husband to me. JW can never be either until our children are fully grown and out of the house. I guess I just don't see the point of re-building trust in a marriage in which the two people cannot be physically together. I'm lost. I can't see the path anymore. Please help.

lamby

Why is it that you would even consider remaining married to this person? What kind of message does that send to your children?

That is a difficult question to answer. I have known my husband for 20 years. We have been married for 10 of those years. Marriage is supposed to be forever... for better or for worse. This is the worst of the worse... I know! And, I have said that my marriage is deserving of my giving it a year before I decide on divorce or not. I am trying to find reasons not to, but am coming up dry. I am also growing weary. I care about my husband and I am concerned for his soul, but I know I cannot fix him. His soul rests in the hands of God himself. JW has to work out his salvation. I cannot do it for him. Before I was made aware of his actions toward his daughters, I would have said that we had a happy marriage... we had our little problems, but we were basically happy. I am not so sure that was true anymore. Is there reason to keep trying?

Do not remain married to this pedophile. I am not even sure what the heck you are thinking even expending any energy on your daughter's abuser.

I'm a child sexual abuse survivor. The idea you even considered staying with him makes me sick.

No there is no reason to keep trying. Divorce now. Give yourself time to heal - maybe two years - before thinking about a new relationship. Your H's problems are not yours. You owe him nothing. It's time you started looking after yourself.

"little problems" ? Like his serial pederasty?

Get your kids away from this demon NOW for EVER lest you be as culpable as he is in the pollution of your children's' innocence.

Prison is where he deserves to be. Free from abuse is where your children deserve to be.

Divorce him right now. Never see him again. Any desire you have to remain in the life of this pervert is placing your entitlement above the very safety of children.

Where are your priorities woman !?!!

What would be a dealbreaker to you if not child molestation?

By "little problems", I meant things outside of what he was doing in secret. I suppose I am appealing to the Christians on this website who are here to help in marriage building. Ones who understand that although JW broke covenant with me, I must love him as God has loved me. When I continue to break covenant with God, he continues to allow covenant to be renewed. I have vowed that JW will never again, as far as I can help it, harm another child in my care. Yes, the "deal" is broken. No one is argueing that point. Yes, I owe him nothing. I owe God everything. I am thinking of my children as well. This man, although he can have nothing to do with them as long as they are children, will always be their father. They still love him and want to have some sort of relationship with him. As I have tried to communicate... JW will never live with us again as long as there are children living in my household. My question is how do two people repair a marriage when living together is impossible? Is is possible to reconcile this relationship? Maybe I am still in denial. I am a child of divorced parents. I did not want my children to go through that pain.

I'm Christian. Yes you are in denial. As Dr. Phil always says, better to be from a broken home than in one. Your kids will heal. If you wish to remain single the rest of your life, that is your choice. But you have every right to divorce this person. Nobody in their right mind is going to try to help you repair this marriage. Sorry.

I'm a Christian. I believe that God gives us a pass for getting pedophiles out of our homes and lives. Prison is where he belongs, IMO, for the rest of his LIFE.

There is no fixing this. He is sick. He can't be around kids , PERIOD.

Divorce him now - place your priority with your KIDS. By trying to keep things going with this predator, you are choosing him over them, and IMO that's almost as bad a sin as what he did.

I'm sorry this happened to your kids. I'm sorry this happened to you - but the only and best way out of it is to get him out of your lives completely. There is no rebuilding of trust from something like this.

JMHO

JinGA

This is not a case where H will do his time and serve his debt to society. He will always be this animal. And after prison he will have to register as a sex offender wherever he goes. Dr. Harley says there is no point trying to recover a marriage if the wayward person has an addiction. Well this is definitely an addiction so Dr. Harley says his methods won't work for you anyway. Now how are you going to feel when DD is all grown up and out of the house? Do you really think she is going to want to come back for Thanksgiving dinner? Do you think she will want to break bread with the man who molested her? You are naive to believe that they can ever have any kind of relationship. And what about the parents who picket outside your house telling everybody there is a child molester inside trying to force you to move away and get their kids out of danger.

I did not want my children to go through that pain.

You believe the pain of a divorce is worse than th pain of living in fear of sexual assault by their father ?

I am a Christian. MY God says

( Matthew 18:6)

In our society where we are not allowed to drown paedophiles, prison is the next best thing.

I see people using a corruption of true faith to justfy cowardice and entitlement every day on here, but yours is the worst I have seen in a while.

Be the mother your kids deserve and protect them from this pervert.

Please get your daughter in counseling.

Your husband is one of the original "millstone" brothers - you know - the kind Jesus spoke about -
In other words, as long as he is around children, he will offend because he CHOSE to offend REPEATEDLY; he is dead to Jesus. Would you like to join your husband in that kind of prison by being an offender too - by allowing this child predator to ever be around them again? That's what mothers are who create a situation where their children could ever be around this man.

Feel bad for his choices. But be the mama tiger here. He has offended and harmed - PERMANENTLY - these children that you know about. My guess is that there are others. This man should be out of your life with no possibility for reconciliation so long as there are children in your life.

Please get yourself into counseling too.

JinGA

I am a Christian and I believe there is no covenant of marriage here. You are not breaking a convenant with God to love him and remain married to him because there is no covenant. Your H is a paedophile and is a danger to any daughters he has. Once your daughters are out of danger by you removing them from danger and his doing his time in prison, he will remain a serious danger to any other little girls he comes in contact with for the rest of his life. He is an extremely devious person and a devious personality. You are not at fault for not knowing to begin with, but now that you do know, it is your responsibility to protect your children.

I once met a girl with a similar history to your daughters - I met her in group therapy when she was a heroin addict with a 2-yr old daughter. This girl had been "touched" just like your daughters, starting at an early age, progressing to mutual masturbation. During her therapy, she kicked her habit and also confronted her past and her family. She was a very brave girl. She was motivated to do this by the need to protect her own daughter, whom she saw starting to be massaged on the back by her SF exactly like she had been when she was little. HER mother refused to believe her. What hurt this girl more than anything in her life was her mother's failure to protect her.

You are here asking for advice because you are so troubled by this, and because you also have been horribly, horribly betrayed. I really think that you should ask yourself why in the world you would even consider continuing a relationship with someone who has harmed your children so much. Any continuing relationship with this man would be the ultimate betrayal of your children and they would end up hating you for it.

As to God. God loves this man, too. Pray for him. Pray that God will find a way to heal him. Most paedophiles were abused as children themselves. God will not break his covenant of love with this man, no matter what he does. But it is not your job to express that love that God has for him by remaining in a relationship with him. That is not marriage. And marriage is not possible under the circumstances you are facing. What you are involved in is not marriage, it is a devious, coercive, dishonest relationship which is a serious threat to you and your children. And...it was never marriage. You never had a marriage. He was dishonest with you from the very beginning. He had abused the daughter from a previous marriage before he even married you and had children with you. In the Catholic Church, your marriage would be annulled. It would be recognized that your marriage did not exist, because the convenant of trust which must exist in order for the covenant of love which is expressed in marriage to exist, did not exist. That is my belief as a Christian.

So I think you can rest your mind with that. You would not be breaking a covenant, if you were to divorce him. This is a case where you have to let go and leave him up to God.

JMHO. God bless you.

** sniff **

Is there a way we could keep him in prison forever?

I hope to God no one is taking these children to prison to visit him.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement given to me. Believe me when I tell you that my children will always be protected from this man as long as I am alive. I have never disbelieved anything they told me about what he did to them. I especially appreciate friend4life's post. This person approached the subject with understanding and compassion for me as well as for my desire to please God. It is a comfort to hear that my marriage would be annulled in the Catholic Church. I am not Catholic, but the words are comforting, nontheless. You are also correct when you say that he was dishonest from the beginning. I have told him repeatedly that he is the one who has left me. Unfortuately, he knows me well enough to know how to get to me emotionally. I have given him chance after chance to show me that he is something other than a manipulative, devious, selfish demon. He has not done so. I suppose I needed "permission" to move on with my life. I don't know why. But thank you all for allowing me to move on. I knew you would.

lamby

Well rumor has it that sex offenders get "special treatment" in prison. I sure hope so.

To my knowledge, this is not true. Also, no one is taking the children to visit JW. He is not allowed to have any contact with any children (verbal, written, or personal visit) under the age of 14.

lamby