I have been abused. We moved from a large home to a small home and H agreed to letting me go if things didn't work out. I kind of felt he was agreeing just to get me to go with him. Our agreement when we moved was...

H keeps the small paid for house, I would leave. Joint custody of 15 y/o son. No child support. H would have son Monday after school till Friday morning as he works school hours and would see son from 2:30 until bed. I would have son Friday night till Monday morning as I work until 7pm. H pension I would get 40%. Easy D I thought...no such thing I guess.

My son came to me last night and said dad blaims me for everything even if you guys get divorced and he is taking it out on me. My H is being a bully to our son. I explained to son without exposing him to the M fruitcakefullness, why that was not the case. My IC thinks it's best if son lives with me and without a doubt my son wants to live with me full time.

So now I'm going back to the IC and trying to get a plan. I found out with the new state law I can stay on H health insurance...that is a relief! The house just passed it last month...yippee!!!

My IC said I shouldn't just give the house away. I have always been the one to take care of things and still feel I need to take care of him. Maybe that is just pity. I'm sure he takes advantage of my goodness, and wish he would on this matter.

What is a typical divorce, the way one goes about doing it?

Thanks

Welcome to this board, Strugglingless.

For those who didn't read your posts on the other board, her H almost killed her. Recently he's stopped physically abusing her, but has shoved her son. The intimidation and emotional abuse continue.

I just moved over to this board today myself, I will understand and respect your wishes if you ask me not to post here.

First let me say that I am sorry for what you have been through, It seems you gave it an awful long time before you made your decision, I have regretted the abuse I brought to my M and I will not try to say anything to absolve myself of that - Being physical with another human being especially your spouse has no place in relationships.

It sounds like you have even been fair to him as far as breaking up is concerned so in that sense are any D's typical?

As I mentioned there were 3 instances in my M where I was physical 2 7yrs ago and one in Jan of this year and that was after finding MB so as you can see I probably still have a lot to learn.

That being said can I ask why you gave a man who did that much to you so much of your time and still of yourself?

My W asked me for a LS and if she would have been as straightforward as you seem to have been with your H I would have, My thing is she only started saying anything after I found out about a "friendship" with a coworker.

I have tried and failed and tried and failed, Never could put all MB principles together at once.
Finally after LB's on both of our parts the last several months, I did give her what she asked for and moved out and I did so without a LS and now I have been avoiding being served.

She told me the reason she wanted a S was so we could start over, Date again etc but as soon as I left she apparently filed for D.

I offered her several options that would work for me, A controlled S, joint physical custody with no CS so that I did not have to be a visitor in my childrens life and she would not budge.

She did have 2 LSA's drawn up but they were so one sided that I wouldn't even bring them to an atty to look over.

Sorry hope I don't seem like I am threadjcking, I just really wanted to say that in your case you should look out for you and your son, If he has hit your son and said the things he has to him he does not deserve what he has.

In my sitch, My S10 initially agreed that if it helped our family heal that I should move out for awhile, But since the reality hit him he has been very emotional but I have never bashed her to him, Only truths with the biggest one I keep saying is that I did not want to leave Mom thought that this ws the best way for us to try to remain a family.

Now I don't know if that seems controlling or being truthful I seem to think it's the latter.
For us I also think that Yes I admit and despise my action of physical abuse but in a way we both were guilty of emotional abuse, Me with DJ'S, AO's and my W with her constant lies and 1/2 truths, fiscal irresponsibility and the last her "friendship" and I out that into qoutations b/c she has never admitted to it being anymore and denies it.

I hope you do what is best for yourself and your son as I said earlier it seems like you gave more than anyone could ever of asked of you and your H should be feeling lucky you weren't tougher on him.

Good Luck

Fair is never possible with an abuser, so whatever you or he agreed to can be thrown out.
Find out from your local court what is standard and normal. Are you in a community property state where you each get 50%, if so, then go after it.
If he has a file with the police, does he really think he'll get 50/50 custody. Just because you agreed to it, doesn't mean it should happen.
My state offers a parenting class for divorces to help clear the air, and also provides a free hour of mediation to help settle custody.

If there was abuse in your home, I hope your son is getting counseling to help him recover and stop the cycle. My area has a Women's Crisis center to help women for many reasons, but abuse has so many issues that they provide specific services, counseling and other support (legal). Is there something like that in your area?

There is a book, Mom's house/dad's house which gives good parenting plans. But most of these work for parties who are trying to work together, abusers aren't logical and don't think the way normal people do. (As in, why should he stay in the house and dump you out?)

If your H is still abusing your son, have you called the police to get an RO? Sadly, that is one way to get him out of the house. (I would never advocate that as a divorce strategy unless there is truly abuse in the home).
There are likely books at the library to give you ideas on how to handle a divorce, and you can begin to draft of list of your wants & needs for when you are ready to talk to a lawyer. If you are trying to be fair, you are likely asking for less than you deserve, and a third party may help you see that.

ba63,

I think your seperation is a good thing. Your an abuser, and you both were emotionally abusive. I am sorry for your situation.

I don't know why I stayed, just wanted to keep the family together. I thought he would change. I'm not one who wants to hurt, even though I have been hurt.

I gave my husband the second chance with selling the house that haunted me with the abuse, and we move to this home. My H thinks of his own needs. My H was trying to have sex with me a few weeks ago when I said three times ouch or that hurts. Then tried to manipulate me to get sex.

What does my H deserve? The IC said he deserves a jail cell. I should act like him and don't worry about what he needs. What do you deserve? Sometimes we can loose it once, but if a man abuses 2 times it's OVER. I feel the same with A.

Newly,

I will check that out the court house. I never called the police so no record of his abuse except the MC has it on file he said he did it. Our state offers a parenting class also, friend told me that.

Yes we have a woman crisis, and I have great therapy coverage.

That is what IC said to about H, not normal. can't do 50/50 custody as he is not normal. That is how my H thinks...he said he don't want out son, he wants me.


I would like to be fair even though he has hurt us. I dont' think giving a shove to son to get in house will be enough for a restraining order. I do believe my H is watching himself more as he knows he is on thin ice as we are not having sex.

I will get a 3rd parties advice. I want to be fair, just not stupid either.

The book, Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way", by Gary Nueman really has skewed parenting schedules if you are looking for backup to limit his parenting time.
At 15, the judge/court will allow your son to choose. So, it really won't be up to you. If you agree to 50/50 to appease X, it is likely you will have son more, and have less money (CS) to support him.

The book Mom's house/dad's house can give you a great starting point to begin drafting your own wants/needs document which can ultimately be emailed to a lawyer to be incorporated into a divorce. BTW, find a lawyer who uses email so you can send/edit items back and forth, and you can type document items and save money by not having to tell the lawyer background, just type it out.

Thanks newly,

I am going to B & N today to order the books. Hopefully they will have one in stock so I can start reading right away.

I am still not willing to have sex. I did however try and have a few drinks last night as he wouldn't stop pestering me. My H told me he gets excited touching me. My response was...then keep your hands to yourself. I don't think I would of had the nerve to say that sober. He said I was acting like a B. Then he went out and bought me a rose and came back with it. The flower didn't help as my mind keeps saying, this is the man who raped you. This is the man who just a few weeks ago was a selfish [censored] when I broke my tailbone.

Even today he still denies he raped me. It really doesn't matter, I know what it was. I'm certain he knew as he apoligized after and then got mad and said...well I couldn't play ball, I was gonna have some fun. No guys on the court and I suffered because of that.

I am scared to come right out and say, I want a D. I am seeing my IC on Thursday.

My son has stated he wants to live with me, so our agreement is already out. I have tried to rebuild their relationship after my H abused me and made our son watch. My H coached son soccer teams and did really well. They paintball together and they go to the movies together. I don't want to destroy that part of the relationship. My H has already tried to blame my son for us fighting. Not like H will blame himself.

Anything that my H does for our son, he does it for me. It really is strange. Kinda like I only love this kid because I want you. Before the downsize he didn't care where our 19 year old daughter lived. H said she could live in her car for all he cared. I gave our daughter 20% down on a condo and told her it was her wedding money.

I'm programmed to take care of everyone it seems. That is why I would walk away from a home that is paid and let my H have it as I know he can't afford to buy me out. My IC says treat him like he treats others....let him live in his car. But because I'm scared of him, I think I will be safer giving him the house. We have no debt but not much money left.

I will start with some reading. Perhaps that will help me to feel less overwhelmed.

Oh one more thing,

You hit that dead on with the abuser thing and why should he stay in the house and dump me out...that is 100% how he thinks.

Thank you so much for your advice and I am leaving right not for B & N. They should be open by the time I get there.

It sounds like you are in the beginning of processing all that has happened. Your IC will be very important in your recovery. You are likely stronger than you think and can get through this. If you take care of everyone, you are likely codependent, and that's another line of recovery to pursue, after you get out of crisis stage.

I would say that is about what I am doing, processing it all, perhaps it's the zoloft helping.

Codependent...people have said to stop mothering him. That kind of the same?

I'm going to start the book moms house dads house today.

A friend just used the woman's crisis as her H abused her and she showed me her bruised wrist...SAD.

I told my H I would hate to have to go in a shelter and all that. My H said, we would do that cival. We communicated, and at the end we agreed we would explore that avenue. I got both books. I told H I put Helping Kids Cope with Divorce in his car. He said, maybe I'll read it.

H wants to go to MC. H still wants to save the M. I am trying to not feel sorry for him. I need to become a B!

The zoloft will help, while your IC will help you establish boundaries with your H.
From what I've read just here, I would think trust is a major issue. Just because he says he wants to save M, would he change? Many people say the words, but the actions don't follow.
If you need to use the crisis center for abuse counseling, do so. Help is good.

Hi newly,

The zoloft has lowered my anxiety. My H has said he will change but I don't think he really understands the change needed. The manipulation is just awful. I told him he will be held accountable. I told him just because he thinks it's a joke doesn't mean it is and I won't let him hide or make an excuse that it was a joke when it hurt me.

One of his so called jokes a few years ago is stuck in my head and makes me still crindge. I had my period and he said...you still have 2 other holes.

As I told him he is selfish and I won't tolerate it. I give examples like...I had the bug and was tossing up my dinner in the toilet and I had to beg many times for a wet wash cloth. His game was on, took me at least 3 times to get a wash cloth to wipe my face.

I told him there is no "US" He needs to finds a new IC and work on himself. Sex at this point he said he's not worried about, he is worried about loosing me. I don't know if he will change we have been through this before and the control issues go from physical abuse, to rape, to caulking his arm back at me, to manipulation and more manipulation. H promises then after we start having sex again he goes back to being a [censored]. So what does that tell me, stop having sex.

We talked about D and he will do a non contest D. But we try one more time. Is that manipulation? I said, we draw up our contract then we both do IC and then decide what avenue we want to take. He agreed.

Do lawyers do an agreement like that? Draw up papers to D and put on hold, kinda like a prenup, but we are married.

I am talking to the IC tomorrow. I just don't know if I can do anymore, but it seems easy to say yes to get a non contest D. That is 50 percent of the assets, I stay on his health coverage, 50/50 custody of son with no C/S and 40% of his pension. The lawyer I spoke to over the phone said H will have to buy me out 50% he shouldn't just get the house, that is too generous of me is what he was saying and I will regret it.

I have to put together some stuff for the IC. It's hard to process it and get it all on paper.

Trust is a huge issue although my H has never cheated, no affairs, don't smoke or drink or do porn. But he has stalked me and just showed up in places in the middle of the night when I was working or at the gym. Just 2 nights ago in bed I reaached for my water and he was leaning over me just looking at me...I told him that was freaky!!! then he said I was being suductive sleeping. I understand...he was manipulating. If I'm just laying there and being suductive I should have sex with him...NOT! I told him I could be taking a ****** and he would think I was suductive.

I know the game now!!!!!!!! won't work on me. I'm manipulation proof now. I'm on guard 24/7.