I should have been here long ago if i had known this site. Iam 60 and my wife is 44, we have been married for 22yrs. Iam in my second marriage.

Last year July, I found out that my wife have been having an affair with a man she introduced to me as her customer 9 months earlier. I have set her up in business. I caught her myself in a hotel room with this man. I also found out through her own emails that they have been having the affair for about a year and spending nights together. She used to lie to me that she was spending the nights with female friends.

My problem is that she claims she has not done anything wrong since i did not divorce my first wife before we met, the divorce was after i met her.The fact is that i have not been unfaithful to her ever since we got married. She wants me to accept it and just continue as if nothing has happened.

We have 3 kids, 17, 15 and 7yrs. we are still together but in seperate rooms, she is not showing any remorse and this is driving me crazy.

Has anybody experienced this.

She's probably expecting you to look for another, younger model like you did when you met her. You knew her values (and yours) were faulty when she CHOSE to date a married man (you).

I heard a story once about a mountain climber. He came upon a snake pretty high up. The snake begged the man to bring him down to the bottom of the mountain where he (the snake) could survive. The man hemmed and hawed, but finally agreed to bring the snake down with him. When they got to the bottom, the snake bit the man. The man asked, "why did you bite me? I saved your life." The snake replied, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."

Get it?

strange,

Not a surprise. You had an affair with her when you two met. Then you married your affair partner.

She didn't have any problem having affairs back then, and neither did you.

Why is it, then, that this behavior is a surprise to you?

She didn't have any remorse when she married you, did she?
Did you have any remorse when you left your first wife?

I wonder how much your first wife was devastated by your betrayal back then? Just wondering.


So here you are, 22 years later, and in the position that your first wife was in. I wonder if your current wife thinks that if she loved the man that she's in the affair with that "it doesn't count" as being bad?

Is that what you two told each other when you first started your affair with one another?

Because this is the logic you are fighting now. It will be very difficult to fight this, because you are fighting your own words, your own logic, and your own history.

And just to warn you, this website has many posters who will be very.....let's just say, "unfriendly".....to those who are in affair marriages. Even though yours was 22 years ago.

I won't be posting advice to you beyond this once. I can't say that it will be helpful, because given your history, I don't know that the odds are really in your favor for recovery. I don't know if the research says your marriage is in the favorable charts for being salvaged or not - because I just haven't read any research on whether or not marriages that start out in affairs and last 22 years can withstand an affair.

Here's the advice:

Read all of Dr. Harley's advice on this website.
Implement Plan A.
Do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (if she won't do it with you, fill it out for her based on what you know of her, and start filling her needs).
Do not be a doormat.
Insist that she stop all contact with her affair partner.
Snoop to be sure she has.
If she does not stop contact, you might consider having her move out of the home, and go to Plan B, after you have worked a good Plan A for a few months.

Call Dr. Harley. He would be the expert on your situation, far beyond anyone on these boards.

SB

I would strongly recommend that you call the Harleys regarding your situation...They are best equipped to help you handle this...

I would also suggest that you exercise care and compassion regarding posting on this site...This is a place full of victims and vunerable...You trying to save an affair marriage in this venue is not the most empathetic thing you could do...I hope you understand this...

Mrs. W

Try a different Surviving Infidelity website. Google it. I'm sure they will help you there.

btw, seemsstrange--nothing strange about it.

Relationships created from infidelity usually don't last beyond 5 years (if I remember my statistics correctly), so at 22 years - you should consider yourself one of the lucky ones I suppose....

The fact that the current relationship started before the dissolution of the previous one, does not necessarily imply an affair marriage. FaithfulWifeCJ, remember, began the relationship with her current H before her divorce was final, but few of us refer to this an affair marriage.

It's possible that Seems_strange did have an affair that lead to the demise of his marriage, but it's also possible that he had been separated from his wife for some time, and close to a legal dissolution in the same way that CJ was.

I would like to hear a clearer explanation from the original poster, before leaping to assumptions and castigating him on that basis.

TA

TA...It seems pretty clear to me that this is an affair marriage...Based on what he has said here and even on his WW's justifications and rationalizations...Sometimes waywards do throw in a kernel of truth...

Seems_strange is free to clear up any misunderstanding of course, but sadly I feel that he has been clearly understood here already...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W., you may well be right, but that's not actually what he's said.

I think it's advisable to establish the facts accurately before judging the situation.

TA

I thank u all. I appreciate your frankness. Yes, my 1st wife and I were seperated before I met present one. However I understand the hostility here. I take full responsibility for all my mistakes in life and I thought all adults should do same.

I find Plan A and B interesting and I was wondering if I could try them.

May I ask a question, should I give up on the present because I made some mistakes some 22yrs ago?

Seems,

I don't see hostility in their responses. I see requests to have clarification and some coming to conclusions based on your post. I also see some offering your some support with good direction.

You can go back and read those posts again with a different POV and see it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You can read about the plan A & B info in the concept section above, in the book Surviving an Affair and calling the Harley's (perferably Jennifer C) for a plan. I recommend taking the EN questionnaire 1st.

Right now your W is a babbling WS. So you should expect her to accuse of condoning her A and expect you to enable it.

It is YOUR job to STOP enabling the A. Let her babble, you move forward with your plan A and once you are done with it and she is stil a WS, then plan B hard and fast.

Read His Needs/Her Needs (Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). Good combo. HNHN talks about HOW to communicate with the other gender..... LMBT discusses HOW to execute a good plan B.

You've got children. Think about their future. Protect them from the WS and protect your finances. WS' attitudes are wicked and very greedy. Some will strip even the children's rights to enable their A.

Reassure your children of your love and support as their parent. That you will never abandon them as the WS did. Let them know the WS is NOT who their mother really is. Band together as a single unit with you and your children to fight the WS so your W can have a path to come back to the family.

I have a question about your 1st M. If I may..... why did it end? Any children?

take care,
L.

Orchid,
Thanks. I rather would not discuss the 1st Marriage. I can only say that we were blessed with three Kids who I had custody of. I have educated them well and they are all happily married.

I know the difficulties i went trough being a father, mother referee while we were living together with another woman who is not there mum. I do not want to go through this again.

The OP is not living in our Contry, he visits on business.
The A is either stopped or in hybernation to re surface at another date. ( U never know). My WS seems to be comfortable with present arrangement where we pretend to neighbours that everything is fine. She claims that the fact hat I came to the hotel in person I did not wait for her to come home, and also I went through her secret mails to expose what was happening, I have invaded her privacy,I have disgraced her by confronting the OP and that she cannot see any hope for our relationship.

The kids know. Infact it was the 15yr. old who wised me up.

I will start plan A immediatelty

All of the above is standard WS-speak. How about her disgracing you and your children by cheating on you?

Thank u Fiatflux, I am encouraged, It is my WS not recognizing the damage to everything we have worked for is what gets me. But Iam ok now.

Now, I understand the logic behind Plan A, ( Try to be the best choice for her when or if she comes round). We have been living together for about 1yr now after DD. Trying to be civil with each other, but how do you go the extra mile to meet her EN if she feels comfortable distancing her self emotionally from u?

The most difficult thing emotionally is rejection. How do the experienced ones here manage this phase.

SS,

U work on you. That's the beauty of plan A. It isn't hard because you focus on what is within YOUR control and this is U.

WS' are slow learners. So her pace and type of changes will be different.

Read HNHN to learn HOW to communicate with her in general. This plus your personal improvements will initially the best types of communication.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Give Jennifer C @ MB a call if you can. Her phone counseling sessions are very productive.

Expect your WS to balk at all your suggestions. That's just the WS way. You however know when a suggestion is good and go for it. Don't argue or try to talk her into stuff. Say your idea or suggestion.

1. If she balks as a WS, you go it for you.

Example:

BS: There is an MB counselor names Jennifer who I hear is quite good. Would you like to join in a phone conference call? It can be done while we are both at home.

WS: No... I don't like the name Jennifer, so I know I wouldn't like her.....babble, babble, babble.

BS: Oh....well that's a weird reason. Ok, I'll just do it myself. No biggie.

(Remember to follow through....do NOT make empty threats or statements).

2. If she balks as your W because she is bringing up a good point, acknowledge it and come to an agreement.

Example:

BS: There is an MB counselor names Jennifer who I hear is quite good. Would you like to join in a phone conference call? It can be done while we are both at home.

W: Well I'm not sure. I don't really like the name Jennifer but maybe she'll be different? I am kind of afraid of talking to a person I don't really know.

BS: Oh, ok.....well I hear she has helped many couples get into personal and marital successful recovery plans. Maybe then her name might not sound so bad after we meet with her. Would you like to talk with her yourself or together or both?

W: Hm.... not sure.

BS: Ok, well I will at least make the appointment for me so I can get started on my personal recovery. Let me know when you are ready.

W: Ok.

BS: Thanks for your input. I appreciate your being candid with me on this issue.

W: Ok.

See the difference? Same info but depending on the Ws' attitude, it makes a difference HOW you respond.


Hope this helps!!

L.

Thanks Orchid,

I've got the feel. I will continue to read as much material as possible, will continue with plan. I shall get u posted if i come to anything difficult or interesting. I have a scheduled visit to US next month I will see whether i can get in touch with Jennifer or Dr. Harley. Thakns again.

SS