Hi all,

I have been lurking for a while and have not taken the time to post my story. I will but I need to get this out before I go mad.
My wife has been in an EA and one time PA with a fellow she met via online gaming a while ago. I live in Canada with my 2 boys and he is from California. They have been going at it online for a while then to cell texts/pictures then long distance calls. He came here once for SF after DDay when she gaslit me into believing she needed a couple days alone.
At this time, she has said she is going to CA for 2 weeks to be with him and I have been trying my utmost to explain to her what she is giving up, about the Ideal Scenario how she could be happiest here and be married to the father of her children. I can't get through the fog.
On one hand she agrees with what I say about my Plan A changes and how people can fundamentally change given enough motivation (like an affair) and she agrees with the idea of the Ideal Scenario. The problem is the addiction she has to this guy, who by the way has mad many online affairs and it is why he is now newly divorced.
I have told her that if she does this, she will throw away her last chance to have the best of everything and that it would not be a sacrifice to give this other love up if what she got in the end was greater.
Still no effect.
If she goes, I'm done. I'll get primary custody based on abandonment and she will eventually be faced with the reality of the pain she has caused herself in this fantasy and he pain to everyone around her.
Ys, I have exposed, and everyone supports me, although a couple of her family members were too supportive for a while of her actions. No one agrees with this little trip and now she won't talk to anyone. She sees the whole world as against her now.
I'm at a loss now because Plan D is fast approaching and I haven't even Plan B'd yet.
Any ideas a fellow can use at the last minute? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

if you can't stop her... which I would do everything short of duct taping her to the bed...then divorce her if she does this.
I don't know how you know the OM has done this before... but if your wife is willing to throw away her family and go there for 2 weeks, make sure she does not have a home and a marriage to come home to.

I would contact an attorney immediately...this afternoon and discuss your options. When is this trip???? Cancel all the joint credit cards... protect assets and if she insists on going... have a legal sep agreement drawn up that clearly states that she is abandonning the family.
Protect your kids... and while I do not suggest it all the time...if you can afford it, call SH... perhaps he can help you..but, please do not be talked into making your home an inviting place for her to come home to should she decide to take that trip. Plan D will be in order then.

Good luck,

Medc

Help her pack for her trip. Pull out every siutcase you have and put every stich of clothing she owns in them. Then drive her to the airport. Be as nice as you can be. He11, even give her a kiss on the cheek before she leaves.

While on your way home from the airport, stop at Home Depot and purchase new locks for all of the doors on the house. Change them all that night. Then call the phone company and change your number. Then go and sell her car. Throw away all pictures of her in your home. And then get on with your life. Beleive me, she is not worth the pain.

Good luck to you my friend.

Agreed. I will be doing something like that however in the short term I want her to see the error of her ways before she steps over this last line. Once she goes, that's it. I need to prevent or postpone that.

Call Steve Harley, Hido.

Definitely secure your finance's and get a temp custody order in place.


Affairs that begin online seem to be more addictive than most, for some reason. All that fantasy being projected onto another person before you ever even meet them.

I don't know that I would be so quick to divorce, but I would have had all the joint accounts cancelled and money moved to where she could not touch, and would be working on the temp custody agreement.

I would then wait to see what happens after the two weeks. The fantasy might fade after two weeks together.

Have you notified this jerk that she is a married women with two young children and that you are her husband and you intend to do everything in your power to stop this?

How can she fly to CA from Canada if she's lost her passport? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've called Steve and the Ideal Scenario is his plan. We tried to get her to talk to him based on the idea and she agreed but then the appt time came, she freaked out and refused.
I am at a point in this R where I am so hurt i don't think I could endure a 2 week PA.
This piece of work guy knows she is married and he is a serial cheater himself (lost his M because of it). I got the whole story from his EXW but unfortunately he spin doctored it to my WW.
I will be doing the bank, custody and locks the second she leaves but I fear I will be done for once she is out.
I have asked her to postpone till Sept when daycare is cheaper but I think this addiction has her alien mind made up.

Ooooh that's good... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think you can still go between Canada and the US with just photo ID - not sure if that law has changed yet or not. Still - that would be priceless! >vbeg<

JinGA

He is flying to Montana like he did last time and picking her up in a rental car. She has photo ID but no passport and she doesn't drive.

Well that photo ID could vanish <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How do you know all this? Did she tell you?

I'm with the others that said don't give her a home to come back to. That's just brazen, IMO.

Better yet, pack a nice framed photo of the two of you in her suitcase so it's the first thing she sees when she opens it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

The photo ID would just escalate things out of control. I've already had the police here twice because of her throwing things around and getting physical with my in front of the kids. She has a real rage problem imho. Yes she has told me all this and her family has confirmed it.
The photo frame isn't a bad idea but I don't think it will do diddly.

Unfortunately you do not have a choice but to endure it, should she go. In less you are as stubborn as I am, then once a decision is made I am done, and I refuse to feel pain, so I don't. But I then have to live with my decision.

Any chance of a Plan B before divorce?

Plan B normally comes after Plan A and before divorce, and it will help you prepare mentally for divorce.

It would help you know down the road that you did all you could to save this marriage, and then you can move on in peace with no regrets.

I understand if Plan B is not possible for you, but it is the second part of the plan.

Will you be talking to SH again soon?

Like I said, just help her pack. Be polite, and don't say much. Just make sure that she realizes that she is packing for more tan a 2 week trip.

Hido...

Does she realize that you will be filing for divorce if she goes? I ask because I too took a two week trip to go and be with OM...At the time Mr. W had yet to find MB and so exposure had not occured and he also didn't know that divorce was my Achilles Heel...Of course I can't say for sure, but I do believe that would have stopped my trip...

Fortunately, our story did have a happy ending and Mr. W and I are now in a recovered marriage...It can be done...

I'm very sorry that you are going through this...

Mrs. W

Your situation is almost EXACTLY like what I went through.

My wife met OM via online gaming, and was all set to go live with him as a result of d-day.

I made one thing very, very, very clear to her. If she got on that plane, she lost me, our family...FOREVER.

I would never consider taking her back. I would file for divorce immediately. I gave her a list of events that her and I would NEVER share...kid's marriages, graduations, etc... Because if she went to be with him, I'd never be in the same room with her again. If she brought him anywhere NEAR me, either he or I would end up dead...and the other in jail.

And I MEANT IT. And she knew it. And that finally started to sink in the day she was supposed to leave.

Seriously, I'd tell her point blank that if she gets on the plane, she'd better take everything of hers with her, because she's not coming back. Make it clear to her what she's giving up, and make it VERY VERY clear that she WILL give it up if she goes to be with him.

My wife knew I wasn't threatening her...I don't make threats. I MEANT IT.

BTW...in our case, OM called right while her and I were having this exact conversation, could tell that she was starting to waiver, and got angry and told her not to come if that's how she felt. She took it to mean that he didn't want her, and didn't get on that plane. We're three years into recovery now, and things are so much better between us you couldn't imagine.

I think the advice you've been given is dead on. She needs to see the REAL LIFE impacts of choosing the FANTASY LIFE that OM and the game offer her.

Yes she knows I will be filing and she is at a lawyers right now as we speak checking her options. I truly believe she wants a divorce as an excuse for seeing this guy and she is willing to bet it all on that chance.
I want to Plan B and I will do it after a fashion at least for the 2 weeks she is gone. When she comes back she will find a locked house. If she agrees to go back to our hometown without the kids then I will be able to Plan B effectively. I have agreement of the BIL to act as a go-between for communication. Our hometown is in another province so I will be fighting to prevent relocation of the kids by court order.

I like your idea Owl and I have related to your story, albeit by lurking. I'll try and rephrase that in my own words and see if it sticks.

I'll chime in that you shouldn't do anything rash like selling her car. But its time to stand up for yourself and I see you've decided to. Good! You're respecting yourself and your boundaries.

I was in a similar situation 6mos ago and could not imagine reconciling with my W at that "moment of truth" but we have been and are now recovering. Its now 7 months later and I won't say that everything is perfect or that it doesn't hurt like heck some days but today I can't wait to get off work and go out for our "date night".

You don't know how this is going to end up so behave in a diginified, non-vindictive manner but do not appease her or enable her.

I should have posted a long time ago...
You guys/gals are great and I thank you.

Update:

It looks like she is still going forward with this. I found papers she had indicating she is trying to find out how much spousal support she will get. I think this OM loser is coaching her on how to end the M.
What bothers me most right now is how she sees this as a better alternative. It is unbelievable that she tells me she is not thinking of only herself and that she will try to provide the best future for her kids. She has no workplace skills, no savings, cannot drive a car so how could that reasonable happen and how would they be better off? Fog Talk it is but it is so hard to listen to without feeling tarnished by it I guess.
/Sigh...good to get that off my chest.