All the co-workers knew before I did. Her H started showing up at my WH plant & causing trouble, was friends with the security guards who were feeding him info on my WH vehicles, work schedule, etc. Corporate found out, moved her to another plant, told them they would both lose their jobs if they contacted each other again, etc. Didn't keep them apart. Even after her H committed suicide. Just made things easier for her. My WH gets upset if he thinks I'm snooping or checking up on him. I told him if he wasn't doing anything wrong he didn't have anything to worry about. He says he broke it off with her Tuesday, 7-11-07, but I don't know that for sure. I hope so. She's gone "fatal attraction" on him. Our friends know, his bosses know--when her H killed himself the CEO wanted to know why they were both still employed by the company, my family knows, doesn't seem to matter.

Any advice if this really hasn't ended??? I'm hoping he takes the job he interviewed for today so he will be living 3 hours away for his 6 month probation period.

Any help is mega-greatly appreciated right now.

It did help you. How long ago did you expose? Obviously, exposure started doing damage to the affair. You may not realize it, but exposure has been doing it's job. It may have taken longer than you would have liked, and they may have tried to keep the affair going despite exposure, but I guaranteed you that exposure shortened the life of this affair. You just need to verify NC, and keep pushing the company to quit employing both of them if your WH doesn't get a new job.

Wish I could help, exposure didn't help me either.

Exposure takes time. And when you are suffering because your spouse is in an affair, it seems like a long time. But it does work.

You don't take your first antibiotic dosage for a infection and then immediately say, 'Well that was worthless'.

Exposure speed up the process of the world caving in around the affair partners. They are shunned and embarrased. At first they can ignore this, because they are blind and addicted. But eventually it overwhelms them and they buckle under the weight of it all.

I guarantee you that they are feeling it more every day.

Do you really think it helped?? I know NC did not happen until Tuesday, if he is telling the truth. Phone records showed she called but he didn't call back. I keep telling myself that if he takes this job, moves away that by the end of his probation period (about 6 months) he will know for sure what he wants. Most of the time he says he thinks maybe he doesn't want to be married at all anymore. I'm refusing to fight with him anymore. We have always had a turbulent relationship with LoveBusters on both sides. But we always loved as hard as we fought. With her threatening suicide & he blaming himself for her H suicide, I'm not sure he's really NC. You'd think that knowing that they would be fired for contact that they would stay away, but no. I finally got him to understand that it is an addiction; when he's with her he thinks about me, when he's with me he thinks about her. I'm going mad!! I've tried to be understanding but I feel I'm running out of patience. His family are the only ones who don't know or at least, I don't think they know. We don't have anything to do with them much. I'm also afraid that his moving will make the separation permanent. Because I still love the jerk!!! Do most WS's really come back to work it out??? Is it really dying out & I just can't see it???

Is it exposure when everyone on the family knows about it, the WH has chosen to move in with her and completely avoid all his family.

He admits its not perfect, but he isn't willing to come home. Did exposure help or hurt in this case?

I almost wish I didn't know or my kids hadn't confronted him. Then I could have handled it secretly with Plan A and him being at home.

My daughter works with my husband and told one person at work, but I don't know if it has gotten around or not.

This wait and see if killing me inside. But I know that G-d has been going through this for his own will, not mine. I have much to learn about myself and change.

I am so sorry Lost for your pain. I completely understand and hold you for a big hug. This is by far the deepest pain and crippling experience I have ever gone through. Please know you are not along and people care.

Warmly,
SG

Exposure is PART OF a huge whole. It is not expected to "work' to achieve anything on its own. It is but one small PART of MANY components of Plan A.

Exposure can, in rare cases, cause the end of the affair immediately. [we have had affairs end the very day they were exposed] More often, it simply hastens its death by causing conflict and embarrassment in the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, after all. It is no fun to smoke crack when the lights are turned on and a crowd is brought in. However, there are no guarantees that the crack heads will stop smoking crack. It is the same with exposure.

There is no guarantee or STANDARD that it will immediately kill the affair or even have a measurable negative impact, that all depends on the situation.

So, its not that exposure "didn't work," its just that you had an unrealistic expectation about it.

I will add that NOT EXPOSING is a guarantee of a continued affair, because secrecy ENABLES it. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy. So, if anyone is looking for guarantees, you can almost be guaranteed that the affair will continue unabated without exposure.

One thing that has really caused a problem is our 16 yr old DD knew about 2 days before I did. She overheard him talking to her on the phone one night. She didn't tell me she knew until about 4 months later. She is in counseling but the up & down, back & forth is really causing a problem with her. She wants him to take this job because she doesn't want to be around him. He tries to convince me that the girls hate him & always will. I've told him that's not true, they just want him to make up his mind one way or the other. He says I have always sided with them against him. Another problem for another post. Everyone at his plant knew, his best friends knew. In fact I called one of his best friends the morning I found them together. He had known for about a week & told my WH he wouldn't lie if I asked. He's the one who told me it was a co-worker. I didn't see her face the morning I caught them, in our camper on company property. That in itself could have gotten them fired. My family found out from our DD. I hope it all ends soon. 9 months & I'm getting tired of fighting it. He said in the beginning that it was over & I should just accept it but he wouldn't file for divorce. I refused to file for something I don't want. When I accepted that it was over, he came home. Go figure!!! But doesn't put out any effort most of the time. If I start this on my own, is there a good chance he will make the effort once withdrawal is over?? My counselor tells me that his unwillingness to file for D shows that he really doesn't want one. WH doesn't understand that I can't start to get over this as long as she is allowed C with him even if he doesn't C back.

I think in my case, with him living with her in a one bedroom apt, and them free loading off of the guy she takes care of. Time is my best friend.

I already see him online more and more. The only thing I don't know is if he is planning to do something to me secretively and he is searching the internet for it.

He is just so lost, in a mid life crisis and addiction.

But how I miss him,

SG

Let me share what my view of exposure is. First, it isn't a magic bullet that will right your marriage, defog the WS and heal the BS's broken heart all in one fell swoop.

I think of it this way.

Affairs are fires.
They initially smoulder off in the distance.

The BS doesn't see the fire. Doesn't feel the fire.

But, every now and then, the BS starts catching a whiff of smoke. You start asking the WS, "do you smell smoke?" And the WS lies and deceptions increase.

But the smell of smoke keeps wafting back through the BS nostrils. "Can't you smell that smoke"? And the WS says, "You're imagining things, there is no smoke!" But you keep smelling it, so you keep looking for the fire.

Finally, the BS is pretty darn sure that there is a fire *somewhere* and decides to start fighting that fire. But, all he/she can find... is smoke.

You can aim your water hose at the *smoke* till Jesus returns - but it ain't going to put out the fire.

Exposure?

Exposure is when you stop living and acting as if you're only dealing with smoke once you've discovered the fire. Exposure is when you say, "LOOK THERE! THAT'S where the fire is!"

And then you and everyone else can see that there really is a fire there. And you and anyone else who chooses to, can all aim their waterhoses directly at the *fire*.

There are no guarantees.

Firefighters can't always put out the fire.

Sometimes the fire has to burn itself out.

But no firefighter spends his time aiming his waterhose at smoke, he aims it at the fire.

So, exposure allows you to aim your waterhose at the *source* of the smoke.

And in doing so you increase your chances of squelching the fire.

That's how I view exposure.

Wow Grap that is a great analogy.

I actually took a little more exposure action today and called my WH's cousin and favorite aunt. She is going to write him a letter. Whether it affects or not I don't know, but I sure as heck know I am fighting the fire the best way I can for everyone involved.

His entire family is on my side and I have a lot of prayers going on. I love my H very much and know how deeply he is hurting. Ultimately, it's only in G-ds hands.

I would say the affair is doomed. It will end sooner or later, because the burden is too heavy. Her husband committing suicide at his work? Everyone knowing about it? Your daughter getting counseling because she found out and tried to protect you? That is a lot of baggage to be dragging around.