Taking action to tell your husband and your friend will snap you out of this faster than anything. You don't want to do it because if you do it will end the emotional affair. You need to stop this. Do you want your children to know their parents split up because Mommy had an affair? What would you tell them to do?

I know this is hard. But, what you have with this man is NOT real. It just isn't.

I think the fact that you are torn is a very good sign for your marriage. Come clean now before you harm, and possibly destroy, two families. If it still doesn't work with your husband, get a divorce. There are lots of men out there.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

Soooo, you're opting for D so you can pursue a relationship with a married man? Is he also dumping his wife so you two soulmates can ride off into the sunset?

You are headed down a very dark alley. Nothing good can come of how you are handling your situation. It sounds to me that you refuse to get past your H A. I personally don't know if I could so I understand that to a point, but why do you stay? What are you showing your children about marriage? I am working hard at my marriage, not only so my children's parents stay together, but because I want them to know what marriage is all about. I want them to know that they can love and be loved with all their heart. I want to show them that marriage is 100%/!00% equal partnership, not 50/50.

I speak as someone in a similar situation as you. My ex-H didn't cheat on me but we married young and had a child before we got married. I was not "in love" with him. We had nothing in common and he did not meet my emotional needs. I had an EA with an OM, who was also married. We were co-workers and flirted innocently for awhile, then it became more intense. I was brought down off my "HIGH" when my 10 year old heard me on the phone with the OM while my H was at work. She said something to her dad and my world was turned upside down. My daughter is now 18 and still struggles with the feeling that she ended her parents marriage. I left my H, not for the OM, but for myself. I had no expectations of a future with the OM. The OM did the same. We were both in our marriages for our childrens sake. I realized that what I was teaching my daughters was not what I wanted them to know about marriage. The divorce was painful for all of us regardless of the fact that we were not "in love". I failed my children. But I was determined that I would show them how to pick themselves up and make thier lives better by being happy. The learned that mommy wasn't as depressed anymore, and she played with them more.

It has been 8 years and I am married to the OM, for 6 years now, and we have 2 children together. We still struggle with how we handled our previous marriages. We should have ended our marriage long before we did and before we ever explored a life with each other. I live with that pain everyday. I love him with all my heart and truly feel like he is my soulmate, but there will always be a fear inside both of us that we did it before, we could do it again. He has more of a trust issue with me then I do him but I can't deny that I think about it. Our lives will always be tainted with how we hooked up.

Since i'm on this website, obviously all is not perfect in our lives. We are working through trust issues and the lack of the ability to communicate. No marriage is perfect but we are both in it 100%. Things are getting much better for us.

I do understand your feelings of wanting to be wanted and loved. You need to decide if you want to be a partner with your H or not. If you can't, or won't, rekindle the love you once had with you H then you need end your M. You are not being fair to anyone. Not you, your H, or your children. If your H showed you that he is attracted to you, and wants to show you on a daily basis how much he loves you, would you want that. And would it put your crush on the backburner or completely put that flame out?

I would suggest some IC to help you work through this. Find out if you want your marriage, not for your kids, but for you.

Also, you keep mentioning how important your friendship is with the W. I dont think that can be true if you have put serious thought to having an A. You cannot value a friendship and have these kinds of thoughts. Be attracted to, yes. But that is not what you are doing. You are talking trash on your "friend" to justify what you are doing and thinking. I'm not trying to put you down for that in any way, I just want you to be honest with yourself. This is a war within your heart. I just want you to be real.

I personally do not think telling your H or your friend will do any good. You need to put your feelings aside and deal with why you are feeling this way and make the changes in your life that need to be made. If you divorce and start up a relationship with this OM be ready to lose a friend. Whether or not she cheated on him will be irrelevant to her. I think you should figure out what you want and if you want to pursue a relationship with the OM then you should get divorced then talk to him. If you want to end the feelings, talk to a counselor, then talk to him. You are not strong enough to do that now and not do something you WILL regret.

I will pray for you and your strength to travel down your road to happiness, whatever that is. Be happy in your life. Live without regrets. Good Luck and keep smiling.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

So if I'm hearing you correctly, you are going to do whatever you want to do anyway. Nevermind right and wrong, etc., your feelings are all that matter.

She'd be "concerned?" Not even close and you know it. Just another case of rationalization.

Sad.

I wish you luck, but I'm not very optimistic about the road you are choosing.

If ever there was an example of the Fog, well...you know all that but it doesn't matter...right?

Post deleted by 2tired2try

Let's see...

"ILYBINILWY" - Check
"To Much has happened." - Check
"I just don't feel like that anymore." - Check
"I've been unhappy for a long lime." - Check

That's just the ones I can find without looking. Anyone else see signs of typical self serving attempts at justification for doing what one knows to be wrong (aka: FOG)?

Right out of the WS handbook. 2T2T, it's almost as if you read the list of things WSs say and posted it here. No fog? P-L-E-A-S-E! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And NO ONE ever said their marriage was better because of an affair. If they did, they are deluded. When infidelity strikes a marriage it does NOT make things better. It destroys the relationship utterly.

To come out the other side with a better marriage means that the old one is now gone and has been replaced by a new marriage that is built on MB principals. The way to get a better marriage is to let the old one go and create a new one in it's place that uses MB tools and is laid on the foundation of love between the spouses. While still between the same two people and containing some of the same ingredients, it is something entirely different.

I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. It sounds to me like you never really recovered. Your marriage was returned to you but was never restored and certainly never rebuilt.

So now you want to return the favor and destroy two families because it feels good when you are with OM...You love your friend? - Stay away from her husband! You're unhappy with your marriage? - Either fix it or file for divorce.

FWIW, IC, MC and support groups do little to fix a marriage unless the things you are learning are actually applied to the marriage. I would suggest that if your MC, as an example, spent hours and dollars explaining how to communicate and never said "Rebuild your love for each other," your money may have been wasted. This is the kind of thing Dr Harley does that is different than most of the rest. His goal is that you be together and happy and in love with each other.

You could still have a great marriage with your husband. The tools to do that are right here on this site. The only one that can apply them and make that great marriage come about is you. It's all free; take it and use it or ignore it. The choice is yours alone.

I need to go to work....

Mark

2T2T,

Eventually, you're going to have to look honestly at yourself in the mirror. Are you going to make the "ugly" choice or the one where you can say you did the right thing. Once it's done, it's done. I wouldn't wish that shame on anyone; it's a heavy load to carry. I know OM makes you FEEL better, but is he making you a BETTER PERSON. Will you feel good ABOUT YOURSELF when it's all said and done? I think you know the answer to that one.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

2tired2try - I wish you well as you attempt to "go it alone" and "do it yourself."

A couple of things to think about, should you want to.

1. It's not enough to simply stop a "habit," you need to replace that "void" created by stopping with something positive.

2. Entitlement. That's what I hear from what from you've posted. You are "entitled" to do whatever you want to do and are "entitled" to having a solid, loving, marriage.

Whatever happened to working for that "good marriage" you feel entitled to, and that you say you want?

Whatever happened to DOING the necessary "hard work" even though you might not "feel like it?"

Whatever happened to actually embracing and applying the threefold promise you made to your husband when decided that you forgive him?

3. "I'm beautiful" runs much deeper than how you look. It really applies to one's character and Standards.

4. Contrary to what you posted, my wife and I have a Recovered marriage and are very much "in love" with each other now, 5 years post beginning the Reovery process.


Sincere wishes of good luck. But if you find the "going" difficult, drop back in and you might find that MB is NOT the cause of your feelings or your "dwelling" on the OM. You've been doing just fine in that department all on your own. All MB does is make you see that it is WRONG no matter what rationalizations you try to employ. You CAN reject advice, but "choices" IS what it is all about anyway.

2tired2try, I’m glad the article has helped, but it's not a solution to leave the boards and try to move pass the crush all by yourself...that’s a recipe for failure...and that's not what the article suggested you to do... Of course focusing your thoughts and attention on ot other things is part of the solution (as pointed out in the article), but you need a support group and caring people to help keep you accountable as well and MB is the perfect place. You don’t have to post here all the time but at least post here when you feel weak and tempted. This will help to keep you accountable, on the right track and not acting on the temptation. But if you really don’t want to post here anymore, then at least get a support group like people in your church, Christian friend(s) or counselor. Other than focusing your attention and thoughts on other things, you ALSO need to take action e.g. revealing your attraction to your H and confess it to him, get the OM out of your live and seek support...and your H must be part of the “support” group...and as your spouse, he is the best person to help keeping you accountable. To emphasize what I’ve said, please read the following part of that article again and especially pay attention to the parts I’ve underlined:

[color:"blue"]Reveal your struggle to a godly friend or support group. You don’t have to broadcast it to the whole world, but you need at least one person you can honestly share your struggles with. The Bible says, ”You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone… If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble.”

Let me be clearer: If you’re losing the battle against a persistent bad habit, an addiction, or a temptation, and you’re stuck in a repeating cycle of good intention-failure-guilt, you will not get better on your own! You need the help of other people. Some temptations are only overcome with the help of a partner who prays for you, encourages you, and holds you accountable.

God’s plan for your growth and freedom includes other Christians. Authentic, honest fellowship is the antidote to your lonely struggle against those sins that won’t budge. God says it is the only way you’re going to break free: ”Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Do you really want to be healed of that persistent temptation that keeps defeating you over and over? God’s solution is plain: Don’t repress it; confess it! Don’t conceal it; reveal it. Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing.

Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your mask, stop pretending you’re perfect, and walk into freedom.

At Saddleback Church we have seen the awesome power of this principle to break the grip of seemingly hopeless addictions and persistent temptations though a program we developed called Celebrate Recovery. It is a biblical, eight-step recovery process based on the Beatitudes of Jesus and built around small support groups. In the past ten years over 5 000 lives have been set free for all kinds of habits, hurts, and addictions. Today the program is used in thousands of churches. I highly recommend it for your church.

Satan wants you to think that your sin and temptation are unique so you must keep them a secret. The truth is, we’re all in the same boat. We all fight the same temptation, and ”all of us have sinned.” Millions have felt what you’re feeling and have faced the same struggles you’re facing right now.

The reason we hide our faults is pride. We want others to think we have everything “under control”. The truth is, whatever you can’t talk about is already out of control in your life: problems with your finances, marriage, kids, thoughts, sexuality, secret habits, or anything else. If you could handle it on your own, you would have already done so. But you can’t. Willpower and personal resolutions aren’t enough.

Some problems are too ingrained, too habitual, and too big to solve on your own. You need a small group or an accountability partner who will encourage you, support you, pray for you, love you unconditionally, and hold you accountable. Then you can do the same for them.

Whenever someone confides to me, “I’ve never told this to anyone until now,” I get excited for that person because I know they are about to experience great relief and liberation. The pressure valve is going to be released, and for the first time they are going to see a glimmer of hope for their future. It always happens when we do what God tells us to do by admitting our struggles to a godly friend.

Let me ask you a tough question: What are you pretending isn’t a problem in your life? What are you afraid to talk about? You’re not going to solve it on your own. Yes, it is humbling to admit our weakness to other, but lack of humility is the very thing that is keeping you from getting better. The Bible ways, “God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor or the humble. So humble yourselves before God.”[/color]

2T2T,

I am worried about you. I something last night that I thought suited your situation perfectly. It was something along the lines of "sin is like salt water, it quenches your thirst only for a short time until you "need" more." If you're interested in the reference, I'll provide it so you can read more.

"I haven't done anything wrong"

Yes you have!

I think she's off going to nurture her "soulmate" relationship; she said she wasn't coming back (IOW, turned her conscience off).

and then she'll pretend she didn't make a conscious choice to continue... one supposedly innocent thing just led to another... or better yet, her marriage was dead already and/or her BS drove her to it...

Whatever

Post deleted by 2tired2try

2T2T,

I'm glad you're back! Are you ready to repair the damage, now? Your spouses need to know how "involved" you became so they can protect themselves next time.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

I am glad you finished with it and hope you can heal now. I guess it hit home with me because I could be "you" in a couple of years if my H and I don't get things resolved. Did it help?