You know what?

Here i am after almost 9 months of plan A, one false recovery and a couple weeks of plan B and now i am getting mad.

First off....the arrangement for DS to see me ....every now and again she tries calling to talk about some changes with DS for the summer... didnt she understand no contact?

Now here i am at times feeling like the one word syllables(sp?) are more hostile / emotionless...I get his things out of the car and leave w/o even saying goodbye.

Am i being hostile in doing so?...i dont know.

But i have serious anger issues now...serious anger issues.

i am angry at her.....for her selfishness..and bunch of excuse she creates in order to justify her leaving.

i think deep down ...i just want to know that she understands that she has left a trail of destruction a mile wide behind her.

and whats worse ...i still miss her.

I cant understand this logic.......How in the world can a WS literally close their eyes to not only betraying their family but also tearing another family apart..making OP also a adultereer(sp?).

I am sooo mad my head hurts....i have DS with me and he is playful as ever and oblivious as ever....i know it wont last long.

I have serious anger...not to do something but the indignation of it all.....i live to see the day she finally gets it.

hope it is just venting....why should anyone have such an impact on my life?

Is this normal in plan B too?...do i need to be civil too?

thanks for hearing me out guys...guess i am just hurting today.

alot.

neil

I think what scares me more is the level of anger i have now that comes from pain and the need to vent....the need to confront WW and tell her off in no uncertain trms that she hes hurt me and destroyed the family.

Is it normal?...to want to blast off?...is it better to keep quiet towards her?

SHould this just be ridden out?

what?

Any killer bees?

Go read my link about the stages of grieving. Your current feelings are part of your personal recovery. You need to know whats ahead so you can plan your recovery with greater control.

I am sorry you are angry..... let's turn this strong emotion into something productive, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

OK.....reading it now...thanks orchid.

guess looking into DS eyes and knowing that i couldnt give him a family intact is what grate against me totally.

Put a call out to see if any BS H's are available for a phone call. Talking to another BSH at this point may be a good thing. Help you calm down a bit so you can plan smart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

NC-

I'm with you on the anger too. Yesterday I was scared, today I'm downright Pi$$ed. I go back and forth. I've never been on such a wild coaster ride. I'm into 10 days of Plan B. I went on Plan B because I was starting to get very angry and had a few angry outbursts that last week. At that point I figured it was time before I had too many LBs. I think we're both normal. Afterall, we're only human and we've been wounded to the core.

KG.

Well.......grrreaaatt..... sorta...at least i am not abnormal....i guess it was just the whole..."them getting off the hook and moving out..w/o consequencies" that really irked me.....you see, we get seriously offended when child molesters abuse kids and pedophiles go on a rampage scarring minors for life.

No one seems to make the connection that WS do the same to their families too.

I have felt alove for over a year now and very vunerable...

i didn't really do a plan b because by the time i found this site our marriage was pretty much dead. i did plan a for a few months but then went to plan "get the h*ll out of my life" because i was done.

anger, totally normal. i am 2 years out from him moving out and i am just NOW starting to let go of the anger. in fact, i am returning to the counselor i was seeing when our marriage was ending to help me get rid of the last residuals.

since you want to save your marriage i would not recommend telling her off. when ours was done, i told mine off several times. it felt good at the time and i am glad i got those emotions out at him but you know what? it is not like he had an "ah ha" moment and said "you are right, i have been a scum bag piece of trash and i ruined our family and scarred our children" nope, what i got was " i look out for number one. i don't care who i hurt or what anyone else thinks of me. i look out for ME and everything and everyone else is secondary" so, no acknowledgement of wrong doing, only full entitlement. knowing that i am dealing wtih someone who sees nothing wrong in what they did, or rather, that the damage is already done so why stop now attitude.. well, i don't waste my oxygen any more and i am just thankful that i ended the marriage when i did before every last drop of life had been sucked clear out of me.

i probably did not help you. i don't know what to tell you to do with your anger except, if you see a therapist, talk to them about it. anger, to me, can drain a love bank pretty quickly....

mlhb

MLHB

Is FWH still with OP? Just curious if it lasted....

nc007,

Anger--DEEP anger--in Plan B is completely normal. For the whole time that you were in Plan A, for the most part you put your Taker aside and did your best to be the best man you could be and be a Giver. Not entirely, but for the most part, you felt angry and betrayed and incensed in Plan A too, but you put it on the back burner in an all-out effort to save both yourself and your marriage. In Plan A, you are still somewhat involved in the WS's affair-drama and crisis lifestyle, so you don't have a peaceful, safe place to process your anger.

Now you're in Plan B. You are no longer involved, day-to-day, with the WS's fog and babble and blame and drama. You have some relative peace and the time has come to experience all the anger you set aside and put off for another day. Today is "another day"!

My best advice to you would be to let yourself experience it in appropriate ways. FEEL angry! Write exactly what you think, with swear words in BIG, BOLD, BLACK letters. Write it out, and then burn it because somehow burning is good...it means that what was written is a burnt bridge. It's gone. Take lots of long walks in beautiful natural settings when you're REALLY revved up--the physical-ness of a walk is good, and the nature will help return you to a good place inside yourself. And finally, I would say to give yourself persmission to speak the truth in love. If what she's doing is selfish and harming others, I personally see nothing wrong with saying, "In my opinion, that is selfish and harmful." Just state it like that with no judgement or carrying on--just stating your opinion...because it IS your opinion! For quite a while now, in Plan A, you tried to hold your tongue, but this would be a good time to give yourself a voice and speak your truth--and in my opinion, it IS loving to speak the truth and be transparently honest.

Don't worry, nc007. It feels like a LOT of anger, doesn't it? DEEP, DEEP anger. It will mellow with some time.

The Mama Killer Bee,



CJ

knitgirl,
yes, they are still together. they started their affair in around october of 2004 and they now live together and have for almost 2 years now.

her exh, whom she left to be with my h, just remarried last saturday.

i have been in a relationship since last year, was getting very serious, but not sure where we are at right now.. on a "reprieve" of sorts while he ties up some loose ends from his divorce of over a year ago.

and that is that....

mlhb

Hey Neil,

Haven't been in Plan B but I do recall some times in Plan A looking in on my daughter and feeling the same hopelessness, desparation and sense of unknowing (to her) loss.

I also remember redirecting some of those feelings (including the angry feelings) into committing to making DD5' life the best I could despite the outcome of this marriage. I looked to the future some, beyond the seeming hopelessness and misery of the days, to a better life NO MATTER which way the God took me/us.

Your marriage is important but no matter what...you and your son will make it. Accept the uncertainty and internalize that there will undoubtedly be happy days again....I promise.

May God's will be done.

Mr. Wondering

mlhb,

Thanks for gracing my den. I guess yesterday was rough for me . because like my Dad said..."He feels like almost DS is a pawn in this whole game..."

you know...i guess i thought that the M was pretty much over and all that was left waas the memories....good memories that she sh1t upon....and the product of our love....DS...and his future and what is his values.

I dont know if you could relate but it was almost as if it was literally POISON to have her around and now i am feeling the TOXIC effects of it.

well i dont feel too bad now about my anger...figuring that it is normal to feel so.

Mama Killer Bee,

Oh thank God its normal doc.....er....Mama Bee....because i had it soo bad yesterday that my head hurts...
"Write exactly what you think, with swear words in BIG, BOLD, BLACK letters. Write it out, and then burn it because somehow burning is good...it means that what was written is a burnt bridge. It's gone. "

hahahahahahaha.....Ya know...i lived a pretty sheltered life and swearing was not something that i did..funny thing is since this has happened i cant think of any appropriate words to express my feelings....so i say them alot..(then feel wierd after) in private.

The good thing is that i live in the rural parts of Jamaica and its great to take long walks....actually my DS who was with me this weekend asked to be taken to the river and we went ....he said this was the greatest outing of his life!...(it's always the little things)

As you said? promised...i hope it mellows with time.

Mr.W,

Looooonng time no see(probably write is more appropriate).

Thank you...you were one of the first to help get hope...to show me that i wasnt the scum of the earth and that all WS speak a native language....i will be forever greatful to you.

Now you come with a gem yet again....like KG, FWCJ and mlhb...another thing to do is to channel my anger into making my DS have the best father he could possibly have.

(trust me ....there is enough anger to go around...lol

Thanks always...greetings to Ms.W

And greetings to you as well Neil, my friend...I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this...No real words of advice, just big hugs...((((Neil))))

Mrs. W

Well...took my DS home yesterday and he loved it ...we went to the river found some stones that he collected in the evening and we named them....then we played strategy games the whole night...(trust me for a 6 y.o. that is what he likes...what ever happened to mario bros.?)

Then now and again he said he really loved me and i reassure him that i got his back... we slept in the bed...he wet it in the night (way too much to drink...and way too tired.........)

anyway i am at work with him today and he is in the games room playing ....surprise, surprise....Cartoon Network Online thingy.

Just want to be the greatest dad possible...

Cool Runnings...

Ms. W just being there is all that matters... thanx..

Oh wait....arrgggg...just got squeezed by DS...and the usual...ILY daddy.

gotta go....daddyhood awaits!

Well look at that Neil, we posted at the same time...As I recall we use to do that a lot in the beginning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...You are a great dad...Be very proud of that...You keep living a Godly life for you and your son...You will both receive great blessings from doing that-God promises and he NEVER lies...Keep the faith...You'll be in our prayers...

Mrs. W

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