Tonight is 2 months since D-Day. Which is fitting. It is also the afternoon I spent up in my room writing my 4th step for AA. A searching fearless and moral inventory of myself.

I am sickened by my selfishness, self centeredness, and acts that pushed my WH away, not to mention the way I hurt other people.

No wonder he left me for OW. Who would have wanted to stay. I thought I was loving him, but I was doing nothing but being out for myself. I am so ashamed and don't know if G-d will forgive me for my hurting my WH.

Is there anyone else here who has really looked at their behavior and been so disgusted that you are almost willing to just let your husband go? Does anyone believe that you can change yourself enough for him to want to come home? Or even believe that G-d should give me another chance?

SG

God will always give you another chance.

A fearless moral inventory should NOT include beating yourself up and dissolving into self pity and loathing.

When you did your inventory, what GOOD did you discover about yourself?

your H had an A because of HIS issues. Your marriage may have had trouble due to yours... but HE made the decision to screw around and make things worse.

If you let that mindset take over you can pretty much count on having a H that will always look outside the M when you are not perfect.

You obviously are in need of some serious counseling and also need to realize that YOU are not the reason for everything.

An affair is ALWAYS based on the shortcomings of the WS... not the BS. The state of the marriage is a product of both people. Do NOT blame yourself for his actions...you did not control them, nor cause them.

Bramble and Mke -

I honestly am NOT beating myself up, but truly looking at my actions and who I am. The good news is I get to ask G-d to take away those defects, but this process in understanding who I am is something that I have needed to do for 20 years. I am an alchoholic and lived a crazy life in a dry drunk for many years. I am in no way letting my WH off the hook, but that's his deal.

In order for me to become a better person and really change I have to look at myself and my past actions with rigorous honesty sit with the feelings for awhile, own them, go to a meeting and then forgive myself. I want my H to come home because I love him with all my heart. But there is so much about myself that I WANT to change.

I do appreciate your sharp words because it helps me to balance reality and remember that his actions are his own choices and nothing to do with me. I just am honest that I created a crazy environment.

I am curious how you say that an affair is ALWAYS based on the shortcomings of the WS. Didn't the fact that my not meeting his EN created the environment where he went looking?

Thank you,

SG

Mke -

Bramble,

One funny thing is I had just been reading your post back in 01 about accepting your husband as he is. Being honest with myself about not accepting him and always wanted more was my way of being married and not just right.

Does that make sense?

SG

Yes it makes sense.

I hope some AA members can step in and help you a bit with your Step 4 because I think the AA approach is probably a bit different than the way we do it in Alanon.

The danger with a self-inventory done without the input of a sponsor is that you can do tremendous damage and harm to yourself.

A moral inventory is NOT just a list of your character defects.

It is a list (not a judgement) of ALL your characteristics - good and bad, beautiful and ugly.

The danger in becoming too focused on the negative, without a sanity check from a sponser, is that you risk dissolving into self-pity and loathing, and quite likely assume responsibility for things that are not yours.

Harm to yourself is just as bad as harming others.

I made the mistake, many years ago, of making my husband's affair all about me.

You see, I had finally accepted that I could not control others. But my mind is pretty devious and I figured out that if it was all about ME and what a bad, unlovable, undeserving person I was....then I could control it.

So I used my husband's affair, along with an inexperienced self-inventory, to do tremendous harm to myself.

Yes, you need to come to acceptance of your husband - AND yourself.

Yes, you must learn to look at yourself critically for those character defects and root them out.

Yes, you must take responsibility for YOUR part in creating the environment that lead to the affair.

But that does not mean your husband's affair was your fault.

He owns that choice all by himself.

I'd strongly recommend that you get yourself a sponser - someone who has been in the program for a long time, and do your Step 5 as soon possible - I do not think it is a good idea for you to use Step 4 to hurt yourself more than you already have been by your husband's betrayal.

No wonder he left me for OW.

If that thought motivates you then fine, but don't mistake self-loathing for a sound inventory. It's an imposter.

SG, you have to treat other people well but you can't do it unless you're also good to yourself. You dig?

It's simple... Your H did not need to respond to the enviroment the way he did. It shows a lack of character...he could have sought counseling for your M, he could have done a million things...he chose to drop his pants which is NOT a solution to the M crisis... it only created another set of problems. A BS is NEVER....NEVER....NEVER responsible for the affair...they are only responsible for their actions in the M.
I find that I have a difficult time getting my points across with alcoholics...for some reason we just do not seem to connect. I wish you well in your recovery and M.

I think you are doing the right thing in doing your 4th step. I don't know if this is the first time you've done it or not. When I did mine, I spent several weeks writing everything down. Then I shared it with my sponsor and a friend. It felt good to have it done.

But lo and behold, I kept thinking of things to add over the next 6 months or so. It is really freeing, and combined with later steps is the road to recovery.

Bramble - I do have a sponsor and am working with her very closely. Actually I talk to her everday. I did end up talking to her yesterday and she calmed me down. I didn't get out of my funk until tonight when I was driving home from Portland.

My WH wants us to move to Lacey which for me and my children could be as much as a 2 hour drive. He is absolutely insane if he thinks I would move 2 hours for him when I work for a school. Not to mention my middle son is a senior in the same district.

Mke - I really appreciate your input and hope you can give me more when you want. It helps to have many perspectives.

I have been sober 20 years and never did a 4th step. I have lived in a dry drunk for almost 12 years. I am looking forward to completing and getting the 5th step done. As painful as it is, and it's awful, I have to do this in order to forgive myself and move on.

SG

"The truth shall set you free." You may have deserved a separation or divorce. You did not deserve to be cheated on. He made vows of fidelity to you, and he broke them. The choice was his, and the responsibility is his.

Cherished

Cherished - Wow....Something to think about for sure. I surely hope it's only a separation and G-d will give me another chance.

SG