Lost,
I hear what you are doing but remember he is still in the fog. He is also still babbling. Time away from all OWs w/b good.
Here are a few good things to note:
1. It is good for a WS t/b confused.
2. It is good for the WS w/b hurt, angry and frustrated.
3. WS' will say they don't know if they love or will love the BS and family.
4. WS' will be in withdrawal and feel loyalty to the A and the oP.
How to use the above info to the BS and family's advantage:
1. Keep the WS confused.
a. I would say things to make him wonder.
b. Small stuff like where did you put that paper or tool?
c. Btw, WS you don't smell too good, where have you been? I used that line on mine when I suspected he was with the OW. She had 2 large dogs but the smelly one was her, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
2. WS survive with pain. Especially the pain they inflict on others. That's why no matter what you do, he will want the opposite.
a. So don't waste time trying to please a WS. Instead do what you need t/d for you and your family.
b. If you need his input or assistance fine but to NOT accommodate him.
c. Let him know you love your H but NOT the WS, then briefly explain because the WS is hurting your family and your real H would not like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
3. Expect the WS to babble they never loved you. Mine did that and after a short cooling off period, I approached him and said I had a question. I waited until he gave me his full attention (no less), then asked him for a date. He was baffled. It went something like this:
BS: I have a question, let me know when I can ask it.
WS: I'm busy.
BS: Ok.
(several hours later)
BS: I have a question.
WS: Go ahead ask me while I'm on the computer.
BS: No, I'll come back.
WS: What's your question, I can handle.
BS: No, I'll come back.
a few hours later.
WS: What was your question.
BS: I am busy working right now. I will get back to you later (see I was genuinely busy, he had to learn to wait also - remember this was MY question so I had to exercise patience).
(next day).
BS: I have a question.
WS: Ok, what is it?
BS: Need to know if I will have your full attention because this one is going to take some time for you to think about.
WS: Go ahead.
BS: Do I have your full attention and NOT your anger? (by this time his curiousity had peaked - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).
Ws: Yes.
BS: Ok. You mentioned before you never loved me. I thought about it and wondered....when.
Ws: What?
BS: Yea....when....if that is a true statement, when did you lie to me and why?
Ws: I never lied to you (...fog). Well, I did love you....
BS: You said you NEVER loved me. So were you lying then or now?
WS: Well I guess I mean I stopped loving you.
BS: Ok, when?
WS: Why is that important?
BS: Because I want to know when....when were dating, when you proposed, when we got married, when we had our child... Guaranteed by the time you thought about having an A the love had stopped but I want to know when.
WS: I don't know.
BS: Well you need to.
WS: Why?
BS: Because I want to know when you became a liar.
WS? What?
BS: Well I need to stop loving you too. So I want to know when. That will help both our son and I to know when you stopped loving your family. It will make it easier on us to stop loving you. (notice the twist from BS to BS and family - very clever maneuver so know the WS is against the BS and famoily on this issue).
Ws: I don't know. I can't remember. It's not that I never loved you, you know I did but....
BS: Well now you have a job t/d. Go figure out when and get back to me. (NOTE: Giving a WS an order is not always a good thing. In this case, it was meant to make him think not do).
At that point I walked away. My anger was starting to mount and I needed to go cool down. I had the WS by his balls and he knew it. The squeeze was on. My real H knew I didn't play games when it came to my family. He also knew I had the upper hand on this. My wrath was next if he didn't come up with an answer I could work with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Still I walked away with a small smile. I did not show my fear and did not let him get to me.
He was misterable..... that's a good thing.
4. WS w/b in withdrawal and feel loyalty to the OP.
a. Use this a tool.
b. While in withdrawal, give the WS things t/d..... bills, items to fix....keep him busy....send him to fix things for his parents, neighbors, etc..... anything to keep him away from you and the OP.
c. He babbles about loyalty, bite your tongue and walk away. Come vent here.
WS' are a stupid bunch. BS also stands for BE SMART!!!
Here's a thought.... a BS could say to to WS:
BS: You know what WS stands for?
WS: No, what?
BS: It stands for many things but in your case it's 'wayward sposue'. Doesn't sound very nice. But you could change it to stand for 'was stupid'. (just kidding) :girn:
L.
