I have posted on here for the first time a couple of times in the last week. My original post was trying to solicit some encouragement that I was doing the right thing and there is hope. Little did I know that it was all about to come crashing down. Just a refresher on my story. I found out about H's 6mo A in December and we were then in a "false" recovery until end of May when I discovered he never quit seeing her. He left for 2 weeks then and came back (only for the kids) said he ended it for good. Then my anger pursued which I realize now is the absolute worst thing I could have done. Yesterday, I "caught" him again and he has still been contacting her, but swears he has not physically seen her.

So we talked for about 3 hours, yes I was angry but nothing like before. He told me that the reason he started contacting her again was because of how horrible it was when he came back and he realized that I was not worth it. And that he was worried and concerned about her and wanted to see how she was doing!!!! Urgh! He said he has been trying to talk to me for months about how he truly feels and that he wants a separation. I have told him over and over again I will not separate from him. That if he wants out then it will be a divorce. He's not getting a separation and being allowed to live his 2 lives again, that would be no different than it was before. I'm not separating from him and sending him back into that other life/her! And he turns it around on me saying that if it is bad for us or the kids it's because of me and that I'm not willing to "work it out", the separation that is. He told me he has found something on the internet called a "controlled" separation and that is what we should do. Whatever!

I told him he was at fork in the road and both choices are equally as hard and painful but the rewards he will get for choosing me and the kids will be worth whatever sacrifice he thinks he is having to make. Guess which fork he chose???? He is gone. He wanted to stay until tomorrow, but I insisted that he leave today and he did, packed it up moved it out, everything, barely telling his children goodbye. Says he didn't love me, never did, doesn't want to be with me and can't do what it takes to make it work. I told him no it isn't that you can't do it, it's that you WON'T! And why aren't your children worth it?

So, he's gone and I'm left to pickup the piecies again. I told him he could not contact me personally, if he needed to contact me regarding the kids or finances, he could email me or text message me, but that I would not be talking to him and he could not come to the house.

What Now????? I have a call w/Steve Monday but I don't know what to do. I had a little bit of a sense of peace about me this afternoon (maybe the adrenaline!), but now it's 3am and I can't sleep and the panic is starting to set in. How could he do this to me and more importantly how could he do this to his kids? I realize that now I've got to go into "mommy drive" and do what it takes to take care of myself and my children, but to be honest I'm scared! I feel real desperate and I need any help anyone can give me.

NZJ,

It's an anxiety attack u r experiencing.

Is there someone you can speak with? Relative or friend?

Go check on the kids and hug them.

He is a WS and must hit rock bottom before he realizes what he just lost.

His WS babble is quite common but still stupid.

You instituted a plan B without putting it in writing.

To help you get it off your chest, howz about you put it in writing. Don't send it, just put it in writing.

Here's a hint, WS' do NOT want t/d what the BS tells them t/d. So change your strategy. Instead of telling him to choose his family, tell him to go be happy. That will totally confuse the WS mindset.

Then tell him that he needs to fork over all his $$ and property, that the OW must be willing to take him stripped of his family and all that belongs to the family. That he needs to show he is happy (he can't but you can demand he does).

What could this do? It is a risk but WS' have a creed NOT to follow any direct command from a BS. So telling him t/b happy all the time, means he can't be other wise he w/b doing what you tell him t/d and well..... the mothership won't allow it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are your finances secured? Reassure the children of your love and support. Let them know you will NOT abandon them. Make a part of your support group and be a part of theirs.

L.

NZ,I am sorry to hear to hear about latest development and I hope you were able to get some sleep. Come back today and let's discuss this.

Oh, I am SO depressed today, I can't stop crying. Yes, I am on antidepressants and take xanax occassionally. Yesterday, I was so done with him and I want you out of my life, I'm strong and I can do this and today I'm begging God for him to come back. I don't want to get divorced, but how will he ever get out of his fog or whatever you call what he is in while he is still in it. He sees me as the evil person who drove him away. He told me the first time he left for those 2 weeks that it was the happiest he had ever been so I am afraid he is gone for good this time. I am at my mom's right now with my 2 youngest. We have our fmaily vacation planned next week and I don't know what to do about it. Is this hopeless? Should I just give up????

NZ, you have mail!

Nzj,

How are you doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I guess I'm doig ok, I talked to Steve 2x yesterday. He thinks Plan A for this week, we have our family vacation planned to leave on Sunday and are trying to get WH to agree to go under certain conditions. He hasn't agreed yet. I will still go with my kids regardless. I think there is some concern if I am capable of Plan A right now. I am trying to be strong for my kids and I am finding that really difficult. I came to my moms with them for a few days thinking it would be easier to focus on them but it hasn't been. I've either been on the phone, computer, or crying. I know I'm not supposed to say this to him, but HOW COULd YOU DO THIS TO US?????? To be honest, I am very scared.

NZJ,

OK, what if you look at his condition as that of an addicted crack head. One that forsakes you and his family and the rest of his life for this self-centered, self-gratifying chemical addiction from the pheremones and endorphins saturating his brain.

Is the reason a crack head chooses to fire up the crack pipe to hurt those he loves terribly and make them shout ""HOW COULd YOU DO THIS TO US?????? ""

Would you scream at your husband passed out in the gutter ""HOW COULd YOU DO THIS TO US?????? ""

I am suggesting that a way to get through this initial phase it to think of him as an addicted individual, that really can not help himself at the moment.

Stop thinking of him as this monster that is purposely doing what he is doing to hurt you and all the rest.

Again, if you could train your mind to think of him in this light, pity him as you would a heroin addict, as a sick person that needs your Plan A to come out of the fog and see how nice it is in the real world, maybe you can get a firmer grip on your emotions.

In My Very Humble Opinion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong and take care of yourself. I'm serious!! Take good care of you!!

kirk