Hi everyone,
I'm new to the forum, but have been using the site as reference and a virtual support system for the past several months. I have not yet finished His Needs, Her Needs, but am trying to learn all I can. I have gone through many articles on this site, tried a few concepts, but I still need more specific advice.
My boyfriend of 3 years and I have had arguments over various problems. But most of them seem to stem from my insecurity/his dishonesty. Bad combo! In other words, trust issues. I admitted being insecure, jealous and have a past where an ex-bf of mine returned to his ex-gf immediately after breaking up with me. Although my ex did not cheat, it's still baggage I'm claiming.
My current boyfriend also has an ex, but with whom he has children. They are in another country. My boyfriend has a longstanding history of nasty fights and leaving his ex due to his past abuse of alcohol. For the sake of the kids, they tried staying together for 6-7 years, with some of those years apart due to him working out of the country. For 1 or 2 years at a time, he would leave his ex and kids, partly due to wanting to make more money for his family, but mostly due to not being able to solve their problems. He would continue to provide financial support for her and his kids,(they are in financial hardship) despite being in another country. Just as a note, he no longer abuses alcohol and realizes the damage this does to relationships.
When my boyfriend and I met, he said his ex and he were separated several months already, and their relationship was toxic and verbally abusive on both sides. They got together very young (him about 20, her 17) and he said his ex often said, "I could do better than you." and "You ruined my life."
Within the first few months of our relationship, I found an old picture of his ex and kids in the back of some cards in his wallet. When I presented him my discovery, he said the photo of her was years old, and he had forgotten it was even there. His wallet did seem tattered and old with several old business cards and such. I believed him.
Forward 3 years, he has since then hidden the fact that he was regularly communicating with his ex (about 20-30 minutes 2 times a week) during his lunch breaks at work. He told me all this time that he couldn't communicate with her due to her being unreasonable and that he found out news about his kids through his mom and dad, who visited them. I confronted him after finding several months of international phone calls on his cellphone bill. He at first was angry that I would look at his bills. He wondered why I couldn't just trust him, that the conversations were only required due to needing to know about his kids. I told him I don't mind at all that he wants to know about his kids, I actually am glad that he is not a deadbeat dad, and is concerned about their well being. He has even visited them at least on three occasions (ranging from 1 week to 2 month visits) during our relationship. I felt selfish if I said anything, since we're still not married and how can I keep him away from his kids? I know he deeply loves them. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be separated from them. I know he misses them. He has mentioned that if the ex knew about me (or how serious we are), she might cut off all contact with his children. "She is impulsive like that." (As far as I know, his ex thinks he's just going out with a bunch of random girls.) So he feels he can't afford to have that happen and likes to keep things separate... The last thing I would want is to come between him and his children. So I tried my best to keep my cool, though my trust was undoubtedly shaken...
I repeatedly ask myself everyday, why did he keep those conversations from me? If they were platonic and only to do with his kids? Why would he lie about it if there was nothing between them? When I ask him these questions, he will basically sigh and ask, "How many times do I have to explain?" He is only communicating with her about his kids and that is all. He does not like for me to listen to him talk to her because he feels awkward. He would feel bad because I don't have kids with him and doesn't want to make me jealous. But it's too late! I have been fiercely jealous of his ex the moment I saw her picture in his wallet. I tell him I have felt awkward all these years, wondering why he is putting up this barrier between us, when all I needed to reassure me was to have me present when he talks to her (without so much as a blink). Shouldn't this be a given when you have an ex you still talk to?
He did mention once that his ex would occasionally ask him to go back and live with her and their kids, but his response was no. No details, just no. So things like that she says may disturb me, and he doesn't want that to happen, etc. I wonder if these are all just excuses and I'm just a being blind to the facts? I wonder if he's telling me the truth when he says, "You're the best thing that happened in my life." (It is very rare for him to say such sappy things, so hearing this seemed really sincere, and heartwarming.)
About twice he called her in my presence. The first time only because of my relentless coaxing. He called, he let me listen for a few minutes on speaker, then turned it off. Nothing was abnormal about it, his ex was only taking about school related things, but I was curious why he would turn the speaker off?? My taker self got the better of me and I told him put the speaker back on so I can hear both sides of the conversation. He wouldn't do it, and was just kind of laughing it off. Anyway, it ended kind of bad, because he said to his ex: "My partner and I are having a problem, she wanted to listen in on the conversation and got mad." or something along those lines.. and well, she probably said something like "well it's about your kids, what's the problem?" because he said, "I know it's for the kids," and then she might have said, "Well what's more important?" and hung up on him.
The second time was voluntary on his part, he called her and they talked for about 10 minutes, straight kid-talk and "needing more money for school talk" but nonetheless short. He seemed very nervous. This was not on speaker, and I just bit my tongue and listened to what I could. I appreciated him doing this, but why does it have to be such an isolated event? why can't it be just a normal thing to talk about your kids in my presence? I can't help but think what about those times when he talked for over 20 minutes? 40 minutes? during Christmas once, I saw a phone call for over 70 minutes, but I assumed he was talking to his kids... All of these while I was away...
I believe the biggest thing I worry about is one day, he will up and leave me and go back to her and his kids. I ask myself, am I being reasonable to worry this way? I have not met his kids, and he says "someday" but right now, they are too young (ages from 4-9 yrs). They still believe their dad will return home someday. I told him they should know the truth, but that he is still their father and loves them, but he wants to wait. I've mentioned how much I would love to meet them, but I don't want to push this as I know this would have a major effect on his kids. I have met his mother and father and brothers, though I believe they are just as clueless about his dealings with his ex than me.
Last night we were up until 4 am discussing this yet again. It started because I was wondering what happened to all the intimacy we had? I feel like I'm disconnected from him because of this. He just doesn't see this as an important need of mine - openness and honesty.
In many other ways, my bf is an excellent bf. If I need something, he will try to get it for me. He tries to protect me when we're out. He is very affectionate and playful. He is always there for me with my problems, and is a good listener when it has nothing to do with our relationship. He is patient and generous as a person. He will surprise me with flowers, cooking dinner, etc. We have been living together for 2 years out of the 3 now, and the past year has been the most trying. I love him and don't want to lose him. We have such a great time when we're not stressed or I'm not bringing up our problems (he has a tendency to ignore them, while I like to confront them asap). So it's always me being the bad guy. I hate that my insecure feelings and doubts and his discreetness are pushing us away from each other.
Him: "Do you want to fight? I don't want to argue until 3 am again."
Me: Well, if we could just sit down and work out some solutions, maybe things would change."
Him: What's the solution? We already talked for hours and have come up with no solution.
Me: Well, what about "The letting me in, instead of separating me from a big part of your life solution??"
Him: Sigh.
But we find ourselves at least once a month bickering until 3 in the morning. It's exhausting. The next day, we're too tired to think anymore and forget about it until the next argument happens.
I don't know what to do, or how to differently approach this issue with him. He doesn't seem to realize that openness - meaning him allowing me to know about his conversations with the mother of his kids, allowing me to listen at times, to be there when he calls - is a big step to me having more trust in him and erasing doubts I've had. He is very resistant to this. Am I wrong to want this? I have no real evidence to believe they are still together or that he is cheating on me. However, I am often plagued with paranoia that he still has feelings or she does and he gives her hope that they will get back together. Whether for the sake of his kids or her, I might never know.
I can't stand being in this limbo! I need some objective advice please.
