To those who have been here for a while, I was here before...had a different name....thought things were going great and in recovery. I am the BS. Then nearly a year later, found out there was a second A. WS said that I found out before anything physical beyond kissing and after speaking numerous times to the OW, I'm leaning towards believing, but there's always that doubt.

Anyway, loads of water under that broken down bridge now that it's been over a year since that 2nd one. Point is to this thread: Where's a BS to go when their self esteem has been so ripped down?

What I mean with this is that an A, at least for me and not to blanket anyone at all, is that my self esteem was just shredded, along with everything else that we all know way too well. I find myself in this past year, never, ever instigating (I would say intimacy, but let's cut to the core) sex. Being a woman, and not trying to cut the men out of the understanding loop of this at all (truly), I think there's a link between desire/attraction/self esteem all of that and sex.

My H was the one who took me down to the most terrible level of M with both A's and with it went my self esteem and what I thought he felt for me in terms of wanting and desiring me, because in the end I feel as if he went for and wanted 2 seperate OW more/instead of.

So in the end I feel as if I need that reassurance that he desires me so much more now. It doesn't necessarily HAVE to be sex, but that's definelty a part of it for me. I feel like that's a huge part of desiring someone (for me anyway). I feel like I am holding back, waiting for him to make a move, to show me that he wants me in that way and when it gets to be about 4 days without, I am questioning his attraction for me.

Now let me just say that we are in our 30's, not to say that we are young/old or whatever. But we aren't ancient and I think we should have a farely active sex life. Call it the woman in her 30's drive, whatever. I feel as if it goes miles beyond the simplistic and cuts to the core of my wounded self esteem.

The biggest question is what the heck to do about it? My H and I have had the conversations, one more this morning in fact. I've been 100% open about my feelings. I'm not hiding anything here. I think part of it for him is feeling like he doesn't want to force compliments (as the other part of the esteem factor to sex) b/c he doesn't want to have some overload there and in turn make it seem fake and have less impact. I also think he feels like this is something I just need to get past.

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do about it. I hate feeling like that "esteem" piece needs to come from someone else....some reassurance. I don't mean to say or imply in anyway that I am looking for anyone outside our M to provide that for me. I really want it to come from my H.

Am I alone in this feeling? Has anyone else (BS's) felt this way? What to do?

theaftermath

T/A

I would think it's time to kick him out.

Does he know about the MB priniciples and subscribe to them in ANY way?

But I wanted to ask about this:

"think part of it for him is feeling like he doesn't want to force compliments"

What's up with this?

"Force compliments"

I seems to me, that he knows you need the reassurance that this brings, and he is withholding it.

That is a very aggressive action on his part.

Fake sincerety is worse than a lack of compliments, but this is a behavior. A behavior that can be changed, and changed to compliment the things about you that are great.

Have you been complimenting him on a regular basis?

LG

absolutely I do. Constantly telling him how attractive I think he is, how he looks good in what he's wearing, all of that beyond that I love him. He does tell me that he loves me all of the time, but it's telling me how he feels in terms of being attracted to me that's lacking.

Two affairs, and how long have you been married? Any kids?

married 10 years now. 14.5yr old son (mine), 13 yrold daughter (his, been with us for the past 10 years, no contact from bio-mom), and 6 yr old daughter (ours).

You are looking in the wrong place for self esteem, in my opinion. Self esteem comes from within, not from without. Your husband is who he is and you are who you are. He is the one who betrayed your marriage and family and you.

There is no reset button.

Look inside yourself for your own respect. You didn't betray, he did. You have honor and integrity, he must find his own. Honor and integrity are the foundations of self esteem, not sex and desirability although women are raised in that belief, a false one. Who you are comes from within, not from the size of your chest. Shake off the social conditioning and look inside. I bet you will like what you see.

Larry

What Larry said!!

(Kudos Larry!)

Self esteem goes beyond just feeling good about yourself in some superficial sense. If you can look yourself in the mirror, be true to your principles, comport yourself with integrity, then esteem is but icing on the cake of character. If you feel you can reconcile your marriage, good luck. But remember that “to thine own self be true.” If you can’t be engaged and dialed in to your own soul, then restoring your marriage might be more difficult.