Welcome to MB. This board is a little slower than the so, Emotional Needs, so feel free to post over there to get more responses.
I know you’re feeling really hurt and probably scared right now. There is hope for your marriage. Your husband is trying. Have you read the Basic Concepts, the Articles and the Letters on the main web site? If not, do so immediately.
Now, before I continue, let me say I don’t mean to cause you pain, but you’re the one here, not your husband. You’re the one motivated to make changes in your behavior (I hope) in order to give your marriage the best chance of surviving.
I believe your husband is right about no new baby right now. However, my opinion counts for NOTHING. What does count is the Policy of Joint Agreement where neither of you does anything the other does not enthusiastically agree with. This should apply to small things like going to the gym, but applies full force to major life issues like moving across the world and a baby. If moving across the world was not something you enthusiastically agreed with, it probably built up some feelings of resentment and entitlement. Resenting that you gave up so much, and feeling entitled to have him make it up to you by doing something he doesn’t want to. Having a baby he doesn’t want will only make him feel resentful, etc. We wouldn’t want to buy our own happiness at the expense of our spouses’ happiness.
Next, I believe you are making too big of a leap of faith by assuming that your husband loves you just because he’s working on the marriage. People stay married for many reasons other than love. If it’s for anything other than romantic love, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity, vulnerable to affairs, and probably will still end in divorce. However, many, many people make the choice to stay “for now.” And that’s what your husband is doing.
The awesome news is you can make him fall back in love with you again by fulfilling his emotional needs and stop lovebusting.
I can see some lovebusters right in your post. You spoke disrespectfully of your husband, saying he’s very selfish, comes from selfish people, is emotionally immature, and more. Yet, your husband following the counselor’s advice even though he probably isn’t enjoying it right now. He’s also trying to get at the root of the problem. The root could be something he needs to find on his own with an Individual Counselor, or maybe not. Maybe it’s lovebusters on your part that led him to shut you out. Have you identified any?
Also, you mention how you keep trying to show him, tell him, teach him, etc. The spouse is the worst person in the world to teach the other spouse anything. Don’t even try. You two are yoked together. If you are a teacher, and he a student, then there is a power imbalance that grates on the student and is unhealthy for the marriage. Let the MC teach him and you. There is probably a good reason the MC said nothing when your husband said he would have been a perfect bachelor. Maybe he or she was respecting what your husband had revealed about himself. Maybe the counselor was hoping your H would open up and provide more information about why he thought that.
If I were in your shoes right now, I’d do a dramatic PLAN A which is found in the infidelity section but can be used when a spouse is in withdrawal. I would not ask him to meet any of your needs, and I wouldn’t really ask him to fill in any questionnaires right now. Make fixing this marriage as easy for him as possible until he’s more motivated to fix it. So, you fill in the Emotional Needs questionnaire as if you were him. Think back to before he withdrew for this. Then, fill in the Love Busters questionnaire as if you were him. Be tough of yourself. Think what you were doing when he started to withdraw. Think about what you do now. Write down all you do that could drain his love for you, and never do those behaviors again. It’s hard at first, especially the disrespectful judgments, but it gets easier.
This can work and it doesn’t matter a whit his parents don’t have a good marriage. You’re going to have to do the brunt of the work in the beginning, and because it doesn’t sound like you have unlimited time, you’ll have to do a LOT of work. But, it gets easier and once he’s more motivated, he’ll start meeting your needs. Then, it won’t be work so much as energy.
Oh, do you both like board games? If not, don’t play them. Remember POJA.
