My husband had an EA 2 years ago. WE separated for 4 months during the EA and I was pregnant during that time. He came back when I had the baby in January 2006. Since then he has been a wonderful husband in every way. Then suddenly 3 months ago, this sudden overwhelming "guilt" took over him. He says he is doomed to be a horrible person and he can't get over what he did. He can't touch me, doesn't want to be with me and he can't explain why. Lots of unjustified animosity and brings up old dirt. But started working out, going to work super early, working OT and buying lots of new outfits. Wants to "change his life" all of a sudden and has a new found confidence he only feels at work. Although I am the kindest most attentive wife ever because I have been in Plan A for like 2 years since the first affair, he calls me a syphon of confidence.

Anyway, I know where this is all headed so before he has the chance to leave me high and dry like the last time and I spend the next I don't know how long crying for him and abusing my self worth and self esteem I decided to leave. Not forever. We live in NY and I am moving to MIAMI for 6 months starting in September. Without even realizing it I guess this is a Plan B cause I am taking it all away. I am not being vindictive, I just need clarity and peace. Despite him not "wanting me" he still wants to hang out, go on dates, cook dinner for two and have sex and then at the end of it all say it didn't feel right so he's trying to justify his emotions or his A, either one, by saying it doesn't feel the same anymore. So I am flying away from all the madness. I need to recalibrate because the real me, the strong beautiful me that he fell in love with would never take the berating, degrading crap he's been putting me through, not to mention the kids (9 and 19 months), for the last 3 months. So we are going to leave him in his misery with his stupid affair.

Love
Kats

let me guess, your H continued to work with the OW all this time?

Mel:

Do you think the OW is pregnant as well?

LG

LG?

Mel:

KK pointed out that H went crazy about 3 months ago.

Then you pointed out that WH may have continued to work with OW.

So....

I thought that maybe, since contact was continuing, that that contact resulted in OW becoming pregnant.

Therefore, that the reason for the complete wigginess of WH starting three months ago.

As always, you may have asked to $64,000 question. I was just trying to throw in my 50 cents...

LG

oooooooooooh, gotcha!

Well,all I can say is that anyone who stays in a "plan A" for "like 2 years" would be abusing their self esteem and self worth. You hit the nail right on the head.

Plan A was designed as a SHORT term plan to help start the fight at a LONG term problem (recovery). Anyone who is capable of doing the things on here that peoeple do as "plan A" for 2 years has to suffer severe psychological damage to themselves in the process. Yeah, dress it up as "carrots and sticks" and "improving yourself" and "being the best you can be"....or whatever one has to do to justify baking cookies and having sex and meeting the "needs"of one's actively cheating spouse to win them back....but it is what it is. I will use someone else's brilliant analogy a bit different. I would liken Plan A to a course of chemotherapy.....shock the system.....you'll do some damage along the way (undoubtedly),but the ends may justify the means....survival...do it to long.......DEATH. It is all very simple. If I was adminstering a course of chemotherapy and someone was in septic shock with thrombocytopenia,and immunocomprimised to the point of growing fungus on their tongue....I wouldn't advise more chemotherapy. That is what 2 years of more PLAN A would be doing....

I have a sister who I unfortunately had to introduce to this site almost 2 years ago.....guess what? She liked the site and principles so much she is now working on 18 months of PLAN A.....where has that gotten her? You can guess........"D city"....DOORMAT CITY... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I emphatically state that anyone who does "plan A" for this long is NOT doing Plan A...they are doing plan D.....DOORMAT. There is no arguing this. I think Plan A is as potent and lethal as chemotherapy. Power to fight cancer (affairs).....but JUST as lethal to kill one's self emotionally.

Lemonman,MD

LM... I like your thinking. You see things very clearly and are not afraid to speak your mind.

I couldn't agree more with what you said above. Hopefully your sister dumps the chump and gets on with her life.

Lem/MEDC

I think you might be missing the point here.

Was KK in Plan A for two years to end an A?

She never says that.

She says that she has been in Plan A, after her H returned and the A appeared to be over, and he was acting like a "wonderful Husband"

Then he wigged out three months ago.

He may have been in contact the entire time, or not, WE DON'T KNOW.

I agree that someone in PLAN A for 2 years is really in Doormat mode.

I believe that the Harley's recommend 3-6 months of Plan A.

And if you where in direct consultation with them they might propose more or less, but they are talking to you and they are the professionals.

My BS has been Plan Aing me for two years. And I have been Plan Aing her as well....

I hope to meet her top 3 EN's for the next 50 years....

Just my 2 cents.

And Lem: What's up with that sister of yours?

Anything we can do to help?

LG

In reply...
I have been in Plan A for two years since he returned and ended the affair. He is not working with the EA from 2 years ago and I don't think they are in contact, he "hates her". This new A must have started 3 months ago. But I have to leave for my own sanity. I can't care anymore because I will destroy everything left in me. Surprisingly, my husbands aunt is my rock right now. She is awesome. She knows him so well and talks to him in depth and so she has told me what he told her. That he does not feel guilty about doing bad things and he has no conscience. Anytime he has sex with me it is just for the sex, no nostalgia, he just doesn't want to "mess up" and sleep with someone else but he has needs. He's currently on this kick about me not having anything that I want because he has given me everything I want for 7 years and now its his turn so as long as I ask for something or request something it will be turned down because its what I want.

Funny thing is that now that he knows I am leaving he is acting all funny and trying to get a rise out of me everyday. Like last night he says come on lets fight I miss the fighting between us. I told him I am not fighting with you anymore because I am not giving you any further material against me to tell other people because really you have nothing to complain about and sooner or later they will figure it out, (he got so pissed, LOL). Also he cooked this gourmet dinner for us, then again when someone who is having an A will cook for you to sharpen their cooking skills for the OP, now he wants to take Salsa lessons (probably for the OP), going back to school, working out (all probably for the OP). I figure hey if she can inspire these big changes in him then great. I'm getting the heck out of here.

And for those who will think I am chickening out, I am not. I have been playing private detective since I found out about the first A 2 years ago. Checking behind someone and not trusting them takes its toll on you. I hate the feeling of thinking I will find something cause I should just trust him cause I love him, or at least I have convinced myself that I do.

I have found a happy place in Miami and thats where you'll find me until 2008 when I reevaluate and decide if I want to come back. Peace out everyone and I wish you all the best.


Love,
Kats

Kat,

If this is his second A, then I'm your cheerleader for getting the heck out! No second chances in this game, as far as I'm concerned.

Best of luck to you and your children.

No, LG... I don't think the point was missed.

thanks for clarifying, Kate. A second affair would be a deal breaker for me too. I can forgive an aberration of character; I can't forgive a way of life. I understand your decision completely and wish you the best.

Take this selfish, narcissitc, socio path for whatever you can legally and save yourself.