When I first started posting here in Jan I had a bit of a lackadaisical attitude in regard to NC for life. Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of it and I certainly would never go out searching for contact, where my view was wrong was in regard to accidental sightings.

NC has been firmly in place for close to 2 years now and I have no desire whatsoever to see my FOM, but also felt if I ran into him, so be it. I figured I would go on with my business and ignore him. I was never afraid I would have any good feelings for him I was actually more concerned it would bring up the bad feelings like those of beating myself up over the A and also the intense anger I had at him for a very long time. That was enough for me, or so I thought, until recently.

After reading here for the last 7 months I have now changed my mind and see the importance of avoiding him like the plague. I can't believe how many times I have read where the WS has been caught, they see the pain the A caused and they go back into an A. I could not imagine putting my H though something like this again.

For a long time I thought I was "above" falling into "the trap" but quite frankly it scares the heck out of me that the potential for a good feeling does exist if I did indeed see the FOM. As much dislike as I had for myself, him and everything I went through I would hope I would remember that, it scares me to think that addictive feeling might come back.

I know I would never intentionally put myself somewhere where FOM would be and my only concern that I might run into him is that his parents live in the same small city our oldest daughter lives in and goes to college. Although very small, there is a chance we would someday be in the same place at the same time. This all came to my mind because we are heading to visit our DD soon.

When I first started posting here someone had posted a story about their FWH and said when he ran into the FOW in a store he immediately headed for the exit. I didn't get it, I wondered why not hold your head high, walk on by and go about your business. I've changed my mind, now I get it and in the event I ever find myself anywhere near FOM I will not only walk to the door, I will probably run. I thought about how my H would feel if there was a chance sighting and wondered how he would feel if I stayed somewhere vs leaving. IMO, it would be selfish to stay and much more respectful to my H to run toward the nearest exit.

I guess in all my ramblings what I'm saying is this MB stuff really grows on a person and even though I thought I had everything figured out, there are still a few things I don't have quite right.

LC

I can perfectly understand why this person did this… I still work at the same company than FOM (different buildings and departments) and accidentally bump in him once in a while. Every time this happens, I will feel extremely uncomfortable and anxious (blood will start draining from my face; I will start feeling shaky; experiencing heart pounding etc.) and then I will automatically get a “flight” reaction to get away from the FOM as soon as possible. Over the years, this reaction and anxiousness during accidental contacts has became more “mild” than before, but after last year’s relapse, it has became worse again. And I experience these symptoms and anxiousness even if I bump into FOM for just a fleet second.

LC and Suzet,

Native American Legend <<<

Mark

Exactly what I was getting at. I have adjusted my boundaries. I always felt it would be cowardly to run for the door if there was a chance sighting, now I see it as the best thing to do.

Maybe it's perception, I don't know.

What I do know is I am a firm believer NC for life is the way it has to be.

LC

This new belief and your humbleness towards the addiction is what will keep your weaknessess and your marriage protected LC...I remember your getting very defensive with me about working with your FOM when you first came here-Do you remember that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Your progress and willingness to learn and grow is inspiring...I'm very happy for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

harley talks about nc as one way to compensation the ws can give to the bs. as a bs, it is totally appreciated and means so much. kudos to you! i'm sure your spouse will appreciate it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Mrs. W,


Yes, I do remember that and I thought about you and that conversation as my feelings on this changed.

I was talking to my H about this site today and I told him how great this place is. I was telling him about how much I have learned just reading around. I have a new understanding about things that really never made sense to me before. I have a feeling this won't be my only lightbulb moment.

LC

This is where my thinking shifted. I realized it wasn't about me, it was about how it would make my H feel. Although he would say he didn't care, I now know, most likely, he would. It should have been a no-brainer, but wasn't, now it is.

LC

Congratulations lifeschoice!!

That "lightbulb" moment is usually what signals the begining of "recovered" and the end of "recovery."

It took 4 years before I heard my wife state that conclusion.

Not all things that make a marriage good have been accomplished at that point, but the firm basis for TRUST has been reached. You do something(or don't do something) based upon the needs of your spouse and not on "what I think I'd like to do." The "end" of the "Wayward Spouse" mindset!

Very proud of you!! You seem radiant in your "new thinking"!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />