My WH does not sleep in the house, as I've mentioned before. Yesterday, I printed out Trueheart's letter to WS's. I left it on his bed in the camper. He read it!!!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And he didn't throw it away. Past experience shows that if he don't want to read it or it upsets him (i.e. makes him mad) he throws it away without looking at it. I noticed that the light stayed on longer last night after he found the letter & this morning after he left, I checked & found that he had read it (dog-eared pages as it was stapled together) & kept it along with somethings I had given him about plan A & B last week.

What really blew me away was the way he acted when he came in to get ready for work this morning. He said good morning when I walked in the kitchen. When he left for work, instead of waiting for me to kiss him goodbye, HE kissed me. Only the 2nd or 3rd time he's done that since he's been home. Sunday, we were talking while he was grilling for supper, I said something to him, he told me that was not exactly what he said. I said ok, whatever, maybe that's not what you said & I put my head down. HE CAME OVER TO ME, LIFTED MY HEAD BY MY CHIN, KISSED ME & SAID "It's ok. Don't get upset & worry about it!"<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I nearly fell off the counter.

Maybe this plan A stuff is starting to work. Maybe this time it is really NC with OW & things are starting to fall into place. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, yet he is different in some way. Even went to the grocery store with me last night. And he is starting to back off when I tell him I will not argue with him.

I'm hanging in there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the help & encouragement ya'll give me. It helps soooo much!!!

Today, WH told me he was done, done with this house & everyone it it. I know the finances have him stressed out. I told him I wanted him to go. He said he'd make a deal with me, get the divorce, pay for it myself & I could have everything except his truck, clothes & tools. I told him I wanted no more contact between us. He had told me earlier that it was never gonna work.

He is acting just like he does when he has had contact of some kind with OW, she calls or texts him. Since she calls his company phone, I have no way of checking this. Just a feeling. I really don't know what set him off. Maybe his paycheck since he got paid today. He has been sleeping in the camper & I told him to move his clothes out there, the water is hooked up & electricity so he could do everything out there & not even come in the house. He refused, said the house was 50% his & he wasn't leaving until we divorced or the house was sold.

When I said we needed to figure out a way for NC with him still living here, he told me that he tried to do that before but when he sent me the text message, I went out to the camper to talk. This was the day that OW threatened suicide & we argued big. I asked him later if he really wanted NC with me then why did he ask me to go camping with him the next weekend. His answer: "I couldn't go camping with the other couple by myself." I asked why since he would be by himself when we divorce & so he needed to start doing things by himself. I thought that meant we might just have a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> When I asked him earlier why did he keep doing things with me, he said he was just doing it to be nice. I told him I would rather he didn't unless he really wanted to be with me. He implies he is doing it so he won't look bad by leaving me at home since everyone knows he is living back home.

Is it possible to Plan B with him still living here??

He absolutely refuses to leave. I hope he gets that job so I won't have to see him.

HELP!!!! I'm slowly going out of my mind. I hate hurting this much most of the time. I keep telling myself that it will get better if he is really in withdrawal. But I don't know for sure. I'm so tired of hurting. I pray every day that he will stop hurting me or God will make me not love him anymore.

Can anyone help me???

Please stick with one thread to get the best help.

I'm sorry.

I can't go from thread to thread and recall what is happening with you..

My middle-aged brain...

FIRST RULE OF THUMB: Don't listen to the WORDS of the WH..

Are you working on YOUR PLAN?

PLAN B is ineffective without first doing PLAN A which would involve telling him that you want to work on your marriage and inviting him to move back into the house.

I Bumped up Bugs for you.

Plan B with him still living there is close to impossible. I tried it for the same reasons you're talking about (he refused to leave) -- and it was a flop. BIG flop. It ended up making me feel petty and silly and ridiculous, and started the most incredible, insane wars.

So I called SH, and he advised me to drop the attempt at Plan B, and go with a "guarded Plan A" instead. Which basically meant to keep my interactions with him cordial, but to the barest minimum. Certainly no R questions or discussions, other than telling him when something that he was doing was hurting me (and expect that he won't care). It also meant not trying to meet any of his needs, and keeping myself as detached as possible, but still continue to demonstrate the positive changes and keep up with the improvements in myself. And focusing on the kids -- SH said to Plan A the kids big time. That was a sanity saver for me.

The other part of the plan was to be the "reality bringer", constantly bringing up reality to put in my at-the-time-WH's face, but gently and without arguing or belittling or whatever. Just pointing out the real consequences to his actions. In my case, it was asking simple, easy, logistical questions, usually about the kids -- then walking away without caring about the answers (because the answers were fogged out and silly, anyway). For example, I'd ask: "do you think the kids will have to change schools once you move?" "How are you going to get the kids home after school with your work schedule?" It would send him through the ROOF because those simple little questions would blow holes in his fantasy.

It looks like your kids are older, so the questions about kids might not work for you, but I'm sure there are other things that will. Maybe mentioning (since he said all he wants is his truck) that you'll put an ad in the paper to sell the camper. Or whatever other things you can think of that would poke holes in his fantasy picture and just gently bring up the logistical questions about them.

The other thing that I got LOTS of advice on during that time is to be careful of the big mood swings. Don't let his mood swings, his tantrums or his nastiness determine your strategy or actions. You make decisions and act based on your plan and your ethics -- not based on what he happens to say or how he acts at the moment. If your plan is Plan A, then you Plan A regardless of when he's being a jerk, like tonight, or not. Because there are lots of times that he will be a jerk, and in Plan A you've got to show him that you're better than that, even when he's baiting you.

Ask the pros about the timing of Plan B -- you may have to file at least an LSA to get to Plan B if he's refusing to leave. I'm not a good one to advise on that timing. I just recognized my own sitch in what you were talking about and could empathize. So I thought maybe it might help to hear about what SH had me doing when I was in a similar spot as you are now.

Hang in there. IMO, the modified Plan A was much easier than the full-on Plan A.

-AmI.

Thanks AmIok!!

That sounds like something I can do. I have been getting up with him every morning to see him off to work, trying not to argue with him though I failed miserably at that yesterday.

This morning when he came in to get ready for work, I pretended I was still asleep & got up after he left. He was late getting up & since he's been home I usually wake him if he's overslept. When I got up, I thought about yesterday. He got is paycheck yesterday. With an $800 house payment, which he takes out every week & a $200 electric bill, there is not much of his check left if any at all. So I think maybe the stress of finances is what started all that yesterday. I got mad & let my mouth go which is something I have been controlling.

I've been trying to meet his needs, working on my problems (which are improving even if he can't see it right now.) & trying not to take things personally. Sometimes it is so hard. But today, I resolve to not talk to him unless I absolutely have to. I will not apologize to him for his attack on me. When he was ranting & raving yesterday, I tried to not lose it but that only seemed to make him more angry until he pushed the right buttons & off I went. I hate myself for that.

Your guarded Plan A sounds good & I will implement that for now. If he gets this job in another town, that may be the time for Plan B. I have told him I wanted to work things out & he told me he wanted to try, too, until yesterday when he told me he never said that. I asked him to come home every time he left & let him know that I wanted our marriage to be better than it was before. I guess that's a no-go right now.

Thanks again for the help. I will try everyone's suggestions & see if it makes a difference. I don't know what else to do.

mimi,

I have asked him to come back in the house. He only sleeps in the camper because for some reason now, he sleeps better there. Other than that, he is in the house. I have been trying Plan A but maybe need to do something else. I really think our finances were the reason for yesterday, but I don't want to talk to him until we both are calmer.

God knows, I wish he were sleeping in the house. I have felt so lost sleeping by myself since all this started.

I understand about the thread. The one I'm using most right now is "just a quick question" but yesterday seemed to go with this one best.

I know I'm asking for a lot, but the encouragement & advice I get from everyone here is a big help. I don't feel so alone any more. Thanks for your advice & the time you take to tell me what I need to hear.

I hope this new Plan A works.

Again, be careful about choosing your plan based on his actions. Make sure it's really time for a drop to another plan. Have you done an incredible Plan A first? This guarded Plan A was a substitute because I couldn't get into Plan B.

So make sure the timing is right (ask some of the pros if it's right -- I don't know your story well enough to give any good advise there).

-AmI.