DS asked me last night, a question about why the divorce. We have not talked much about it since the day STBXH and I sat down to announce it to him, 2 years ago.

I was forewarned. A friend and the mother of one of DS guy friends hired him to help her with heavy work. She asked him how he is doing, and he told her "I'm confused." and then that it was about the D.

They talked a bit, and she repeated their convo to me, so I expected something. She told him he needs to ask his dad about this, with the emphasis on "man to man" because he is now 18. DS is never comfortable or safe talking to his dad about anything regarding feelings or anything really sensitive or personal.

STBXH's unwillingness to acknowledge feelings has long been a sticking point in their relationship.

zzzzzzzz sorry, this is long.

So last night DS asks me about it. Tells me he has pieced together some things on his own, needs the rest of the puzzle. That he knows house is in his Dad's name alone (nice, huh?) and that he knows the OW is part of the problem, because we stopped seeing their family years ago. That the friendship his dad and the OW made me sad and so forth.

That the OW and his dad acted like brother and sister around each other. That he missed their daughter, a friend his own age, and that for a long time Dad only saw them without him, but that in Nov. they all had dinner together.

So, forewarned, I told him he is right. The friendship had hurt me, I felt left out, sad, so forth. Even though I do not believe it ever was physical, that he put all his energy and time into it, and little into our marriage. That even if OWH felt fine about it, it didn't change things for the better from my perspective.

That I had hoped to keep the family together, and did so as long as possible, but it became too hurtful. And that I had tried to put in place a sort of family situation with the foreign students who stayed here, and that i hoped he had enjoyed the ersatz siblings. (He said definitely he did!)

Sorry, rambling. I also told him that when he marries, to take very good care of his marriage. He wanted to know when I am moving into my apt., where it is, so forth. I don't have a concrete date yet, which I told him. ALso, that I had chosen a place in a good neighborhood, where it was pleasant to walk around, in a pretty building with a swimming pool, so that if he comes to visit he would feel good, and described it. Also (so that he won't feel obligated to "take care" of me) that I hope his college experience will be so wonderful that he won't WANT to be coming to visit and stay with me all the time; that things will be so good that he will be having his own life.

Mentioned how I am getting rid of a lot of stuff because the place is small, but I'm keeping the cuisinart to make him the pizza he loves, the blender for our shakes, and the coffee maker for my java jones.

I asked him "Have you asked Dad any of these questions?" and he said no, he is working up the courage to talk to him. That it is easier to talk to me. I told him I understood, and that if he ever needed to ask a question about anything, I will tell him the truth. He also knows I will keep his secrets.

I left out the stuff about Dad's cell phone hours, text messaging, writing "love letters", about the times I tried to reach him but he was either with the OW or on the phone with her, about the invitations he received and hid from me to events in our circle of friends, all the girlfriend stuff that I unload here or with my adult girlfriends or my shrink.

I told him I am so sorry that I didn't keep our family together. And that Dad chose the friendship over the family. I did not tell him about the last minute offer to forever and always break off all contact with the OW family and the OW. Maybe STBXH will tell him. That offer was too little, too late, and came on the heels of some nastiness from him.

I did not tell him about STBXH calling DS's godmother to ask her to intercede on his behalf, knowing how much she loves DS. Or how godmother told STBXH "The only way Bellevue would agree to stay now, I believe, is if you agreed to work on the marriage." Which got a flat out "NO".

I left out the part that the only reason his Dad would stay in the marriage was for DS sake; not for any feeling he has for me.

I feel so bad, so sad. So hopeless. So very bad for our son.

There. That was a vent.

Oh, nearly forgot: DS told me that his Dad really hands his balls over to the OW when they get together, and that DS doesn't like the way Dad acts. Like OW has Dad's balls in her purse. That his Dad makes certain topics off limits for DS to bring up (like weapons, and fighting, and slasher flicks) and that Dad doesn't make jokes about anything to do with "[censored]" the way he normally used to, that he completely changes. That certain things are rude, and Dad is always making DS apologize for them. (I couldn't help it; I commented that what is rude is breaking up a marriage for a friendship.) This last paragraph about how he doesn't like the way WH is around the OW is not anything I would repeat to WH. It was DS venting to me, a safe place.

Just venting myself.

Belle, I think you did fine though I probably would have told him a bit more truth about the R with OW. He is 18 but your last paragraph insinuates that he does get what this R with OW has done to your marriage. I am so sorry but glad you stood firm on your boundaries with your stbxh. You have a good life ahead of you, I just know it!

Faithful, a bit more, about the balls in the purse assessment? As in, he cedes control to the OW? Sorry but I'm a little dense today so I need it spelled out more.

About "a bit more ....." I censored myself, not sure that I can be brief if I start going into all the violations of privacy, the notes he took to himself about our family time together so that he could write an amusing, entertaining letter to her later, I am afraid of being one of those parents to leans too heavily on their child, who makes him her confidante. My parents confided in me about each other; it was really ugly.

It was great to see you Saturday. MB and you guys did a big part in keeping me out of the looney bin.

No, I meant a bit more truthful that this was more than a "friendship".

Ah. Well, I can always revisit the conversation .....

Agree with FF Belle...DS needs to understand the dynamics of this "friendship" and KNOW that the OW is indeed an OW...

I like your style though and I do think that it is a wise choice not to make your DS a "surrogate spouse" as that would be damaging to him...Overall a great job!!! You are a terrific mom! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I second that! You are one heck of a woman, Belle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Mrs. W and FF. This is so hard. (But you already know that!..... )

Bellevue. . .

the only scary thing to worry about is a job, other than that, you know to do everything, such as cook, and clean, and drive a car, and pay bills. . . its all the same by yourself, you just don't have some jerk interfering. . .

you will be fine. . . the rest of us are. . .

wiftty

Belle ~

I, too, think you did a great job in talking to your son about what is, and has, happened.

I agree with FF, however, in that he is old enough to know and understand that OW is just that ~ an OW. That their "friendship" was more than that, and that it broke up a marriage, and that you did want to save it.

Like everyone told me when I had to tell my kids what was happening (they are much younger so they did not know as much as your son (though my 11 year old had pretty much figured it out already)) ~ children can handle the truth much better than they can handle lies. I knew it was not right to be lying to my children, nor shielding FWH from the consequences of his actions. I was doing the right thing and I was tired of taking the blame for him moving out.

Things improved greatly between our children and myself once I told them the truth. They saw me fighting for our marriage, for FWH, and for our family. Plus, then we could really pray for specific things, together.

I also think it's great that your son feels like he has you to talk to. That is great and incredible, and he is lucky to have you for a mom!

And it was so great meeting you on Sat. as well...we will do it again someday, I am sure!! I am just waiting for word from Mrs. W as to when she and the Mr. can make it out to CA...!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree with those who say you are a great mom, and also with those who say to tell him more. At 18, he is right on the cusp of adulthood. He is ready to deal with adult problems, so long as you are there to help him (which you are). I am so proud of my 19 yo DS and how he has handled my separation. In fact, on many occassions, he was the adult there to support me. And he could only do this because I was completely candid with him. It has helped us to grow closer and it has helped him to mature from a know-it-all teenager into a fine young man who can accept that life isn't fair and nobody has all the answers.