I am new to this site, still trying to figure out the drill. I'm sure my story is like everyone else's. Married almost 20yrs-2 kids, thought in a loving but not perfect relationship. We had issues--not being intimate, both withdraw from eachother. Found out he has been in an affair w/co-worker and family friend for almost 1yr. He is in love with her, he is trying to figure out how it happened, why, and if these feelings are real. Meanwhile, I playing nursemaid--which kills me, cause during that year he couldn't be intimate w/me out of faithfullness to her! I told him if he thinks its love--go to her, left us, take that plunge. But he doen't think it's the same love as he feels for me. I guess it's good he's questioning it. But until he figure it out--I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any advice..suggestions to help make it not so painful?

tami,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Please be sure to read all of the Basic Concepts on this site. Also read the first three posts pinned to the top of the Just Found Out forum.

I would also strongly recommend that you purchase Surviving An Affair from this site though you may also find it other places including many Christian book stores and even at your local library. Along with the basic concepts, this book will help to give you a specific plan to follow in an effort to restore your relationship with you husband and rebuild the thrust and love that has been damaged by his affair.


Read This Link>>> How to survive infidelity <<<

Find what you can on this site concerning Plan A and I will try to bump a couple of threads for you. Others will be along shortly to assist you and you will find that this is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Be forewarned that recovery from infidelity is a long and painful process, but the help you can get here makes it much easier than doing it on your own. Please post any other details or questions you may have, begin reading and remember that your current situation didn't come about overnight and the solution will not do so either. Be patient and ponder before doing anything that may be difficult to undo later. (I'm saying don't move out or throw him out either, OK?)

Try not to press for an immediate decision from him as to going or staying, Plan A, as you begin to do the work, is much easier with him home and he will need to be done with the affair before he will start to see the reality of what he has done.

Mark

Sorry, you're going through this. You've found a place where lots of people understand what you're going through.

It would help to get more information, so:

Is the other woman married?

How old are your children?

What are their positions at work?

What do you mean by "playing nursemaid"?

If you want to work on saving your marriage, stop telling him to leave.

Thanks for responding. Yes the OW is married, our families have spent lots of time together, even planning a vacation next year together...not anymore. My kids are 19yo & 16yo. They don't know what happened, just that we are going thru a rough spot. My H and OW work in retail. It feels like I'm in a position where I have to help him get over the OW. Make sure he sleeps, eats, feel loved, and wanted. Meanwhile he's in his "fog" of guilt, feelings of love/need for her, and I left w/whatever is left. Still working thru some resentment/bitterness--but when we talk we don't fight. I don't accuse, shout, belittle him. He knows he hurt me--and if he could go back and make it not happen he would. So we are just waiting for these "feeling" to work thru his system, clear his confusion, examine his feeling towards me--AND yes, I will stop telling to leave! Thanks again for the feedback.

bump

Have you told the OW's husband? If not, you need to.

Secondly, WH needs to find another job. Continuing to work with the OW is going to keep the affair flames going. In other words, his feelings are NOT going to go away if he is seeing her.

Good job on not lovebusting. But, your marriage cannot move toward healing, nor is he going to get his feelings sorted out as long as the two of them continue to work with each other.

Tami,
So sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. I wish I had known about this sight when I was 1st going through dday. I did not expose A to OWH because my WWH talked me out of it. This allowed OW to continue to pursue my H without my knowledge until dday 2. EXpose, Expose, Expose to anyone and everyone that you can. I can't say enough about how important it is. It keeps the secret from being secret, makes them accountable for consequences, and makes it more difficult for contact, because then they have to hide from everyone. Also, remember with each contact, whether by phone, e-mail or in person withdrawl will start all over again. So, it's absolutely immperative that he not work w/her. Remember, WH will try and rationalize any way possible to have some form of contact w/OW. DON'T FALL FOR IT!!! INSIST ON "NO CONTACT".

Hi Tami, I am sorry you here, but you are in the right place. His "feelings" will not likely go away until he ends contact with the OW. An affair is an addiction, and just like alcoholism, the alcoholic recovers by stopping the drinking. It will be the same here. It will be your mission to help him end the affair - not by ENABLING HIM - but by helping him END IT.

In examining his feelings, I am sure he has very strong feelings for her, so there is nothing here to examine. It is still an affair and it is still wrong, it is still sleazy. Feelings do not justify adultery. Your H is a very confused man right now, so his "feelings" are not going to lead him out of this. You can see where his feelings have GOT HIM already. So, I would suggest that you overlook the feelings and focus instead on solutions. Feelings FOLLOW actions.

In Plan A, the goal is to do your best to show your WS that you are willing to meet his needs if he will end his affair. That is one side of Plan A. The other side is to cause ruin to the affair by exposing it and by allowing hte affairees to suffer the consequences of their actions.

The best opportunity I see in your case is exposure. I would expose the affair, starting with the employer, the OW's H, your H' parents, and any other close family members or friends. Your children should most certainly be told about the affair.

Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. It slowly [sometimes FAST] destroys the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. When it is exposed, the affairee is forced to see themselves through the eyes of others. It is like turning on the lights and bringing in a crowd into the crack house. No one likes to smoke crack when folks are watching!

Most often, exposure will hasten the death of an affair, but we have had affairs end the very day they were exposed. To not do this would be to ENABLE the affair, and I don't think you want to do that.

Secondly, I would get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley as the others have recommended. You can get them at most bookstores or on this website.

Melody,

Perfectly said. I love your analogy of the "Crack House".
PERFECT!!!

Just to let anyone who cares know that I moved to In Recovery, under "Head and heart ready to explode". So if anyone has any suggestions please use that one. Thanks Tami

Tami, just an FYI. In Recovery is an excellent forum for couples in recovery, but you will probably get more help here for your current situation.

thanks Jaded <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, I am in need of some serious help. How did you indure this? Was you H "in love" w/the OW? No matter what I do, it always comes back to that w/him. Mr.G thinks I should contact the OW-H, he knows of the affair and he's the one making her transfer stores. But even if she did that, they can still call eachother at work there is no way to monitor that. I would contact the OW H but he's a good ol'boy..when he spoke to my H to confirm the A, he said that if your wife took care of you, then you wouldn't be going after mine. As far as exposure in the workplace...everyone there is having some kind of affair or another. It's like a soap opera. My H is finally figuring out that his "cake-eating" days are over. He said he just can't let go of his feelings for her. I told him he has to let go of someone. He's going to have to decide what is more important. I did tell him if he leaves me for her, then I will not have any contact w/him ever again. I will not be supportive of his distructive decisions. Said that not to be hurtful, but to make him understand that if or when are not going well w/OW--he is not going to have me to fall back on. It felt right to say this last night, but in the morning light I worried that I may have pushed him too far. You must be a very strong person to survive this!