Well, I am offically the "ex wife" now. Gosh, I NEVER thought I would have that title.

I thought I would be relieved that this nightmare would now be over, but I'm not. I've been crying non stop since I left the courtroom earlier today. More like sobbing. Thank goodness I kept it together in court. Let it out on the way home in the car.

Why couldn't my ex (gosh, that sounds so wierd) have been like so many here and become a FWH. Why didn't he want to at least try to work on the M, at least give me another chance?

I prayed and prayed so long and hard, for what?! I know this will probably offend some, and I apologize in advance, but I truly have lost faith. I believe there is no God and why bother anymore. Not that I thought God was a genie and would just make everything all better, but I just don't see the point anymore in believing. Yeah I know, God supposedly has a plan and it might not be what I want. Well, I don't even care to see his plan anymore.

Why did this happen to me? I was always the one that others would say that I was too good to people, went above and beyond all the time. Always thought and cared about others before myself. I should just have been a SOB. Wouldn't have mattered to do the right thing. Look where it got me. To be dealt this [email]cr@p?[/email]

I know the A is his to own, but I still blame myself. Had I been a better wife, he wouldn't have at least looked, and then I would have still been M'd.

It all seems so surreal. I'm not married anymore. I just can't get that out of my head, that I am now divorced. On questionnaires and applications, I now get to check the divorced box. I am so ashamed to even tell people that. I feel like such a failure. My kids have to tell their friends that their parents are divorced. I hate myself!

Yeah I took double my AD's today, just to get through this mess. Didn't do a [email]d@mn[/email] thing though. Sometimes I think I should have just taken the whole bottle.

No, I guess I don't mean that. I'm not suicidal. I would never do that and leave my kids without their mother, but some days I just wish I were dead. The I wouldnt; have to deal with this anymore. He's changed my life and my kids lives forever. I never asked for this, It's so unfair!!!

I don't want to start over again. I thought I would be M'd to him forever.

I'm tired of everyone telling me to move on and work on me. I just don't want to. I have bben working on me. Guess it didn't bring him back though.

I want his A to end. I want him to realize what he did. He didn't even say he was sorry.

I think him and OW will probably get M'd, even though she's 17 yrs. younger, I truly don't see this A ending. I think he's happy now that the D is over and he can move on legally.

I feel like all the hope and trying to "win" him back was useless. I've lost him forever.

Some say why would you want him back anyway? Some days I hate him for ruining my life, for sleeping with another woman, for breaking his vows, that I don't want him back. And some days I can't stand to think of him moving on and having a new wife and family and being happy, while I'm miserable. While the D was pending, I thought I still at least had a chance. Now that it's over, he's free to marry her or who ever else.

I know it's my choice to feel sorry for myself. Today is the worst day of my life. I feel EXACTLY like I did the day I found out about the A...devastated, non stop crying etc. But at least then I had hope.

It's over, I have to accept that, I just can't.

I see my counselor next week. My counselor is on vacation now. Sometimes I think counseling isn't even worth it.

Thanks to all who have helped me here over these past months. I wish I could have been a success story and be in recovery now. I feel like a failure.

I still pray for all that are hoping to get into recovery. I hope it works out for you all.

Thanks so much for letting me get this out, and for you reading it. I know it's long and a real pity party. But I have no one else to talk to. Everyone else...family, friends, say it's officially over, there's nothing I can do anymore, so move on. I guess they are right though. A few people "congratulated" me on my divorce. I don't see it as victory.

Cat.

Cat,

Let me tell you something. There are many, many BS's here that have felt the same way you do right now. Most simply did not write it out, vent. I felt many of the emotions you are feeling right now when my D was final. ******, I was a good husband and great father (have custody of our son) and my wife wasn't some psycho although she for some reason I will likely never know became one.

The feelings you have are not abnormal. They have been felt or at least thought of by most of us. Just make a resolution to not stay there. Therein lies the crime, staying where you are. Don't stay there for you and your children. Don't lose your faith. God's plans are sometimes not our own and God didn't place robots here, we have free will and your WH is exercising his to his demise.

{{{{cat}}}}

God bless,

Cat I am saying a prayer for u as we speak...it is a mourning process u are going thru....some people just do not understand that...my heart breaks for u right now but just know time does heal if u give it the opportunity too.

{{{{Cat}}}}}

I could have written a very similar post - albeit the circumstances of my divorce were different, and I initiated it, you pretty much summed up the feelings I felt on that day and for a while afterward.

It's OK to feel this way - it's very normal. However, you are *not* a failure - even if you don't feel that right now.

Things *will* get better and please don't give up on God, He won't give up on you.

In loving support,

JinGA

I have read through some of your posts, and can not find many details about your WH, or the skank OW, so forgive me if I say something stupid, but here goes:
What is so wonderful about this man that makes him the only possible man on earth for you? Because to an outsider like me, it looks like he is a cheater, who dumps his W and children in order to screw another mans wife. He doesn’t sound like a prize to me.

I know that this is an MB web site, dedicated to saving M’s, but not every M will be saved – and many of them shouldn’t be. Your posts sound a little bit like you would have completely changed yourself, everything about you, in order to please him every single day for the rest of your life to keep him happy. If he would only give you a chance you could show him everything he could every want. Does that sound like a great life to you?
Sister – let me tell you that it would be a hard act to keep up. You would be exhausted at the end of each day. And what would he do to likewise accommodate your every need?

I also see something else in your posts that I want to point out to you – I hope this does not sound too harsh: you are way too hang up on revenge. I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is what I read in your posts. You say that you just wish you could know for sure that the A will end. You worry that he will marry her and live happily ever after, and you will be miserable. I know how you feel. I said those same words. I would cry out to God, Why is he so [email]d@mn[/email] happy and I am lonely and miserable?

Well if you continue to dwell on his life, his OW, his possible M, then you will continue to feel hopeless.

But let me tell you that there is a LOT more to life then this one cheating H and his skanky cheating GF. That man stole another mans W. Do you really want him? He is living with a woman who is younger than him – is that supposed to somehow make him younger? What a joke. Is he really some great prize?

Isn’t it possible that the Lord has someone far, far better for you? But you are currently closing off yourself, and not open to meeting him?

About revenge – let it go. Please. I PROMISE you that a huge load of crap is headed for those 2 – as long as you can just step away and let it follow them. I call it Gods justice. Some people would call it Karma, or the law of nature. Whatever you call it, it is 100% true that when you lie, cheat, and treat other people badly, you set yourself up for a whole lot of crap. Period. Please do not bring that load onto yourself by continuing to wallow in it.

I am sure you have heard this before:
The best revenge, is a life well lived.
THIS IS 100% TRUE. If you want him to be miserable – then pull yourself out of the pit and live a great life. Be active. Get out of the house. Go places, meet people, do things. It is scary at first – but do it anyway. Show your kids how to build a great life. Make your life so wonderful, that his looks dark in comparison. Start looking for a Divorce Care group at one of your local churches and join right away. It will be scary – but do it anyway. You are not the only one in your area who is going through this – get out there, join a group and help other people while they help you.

Your WxH’s A will end some day. It may take a while. My WxH’s A ended after about 9 months – and then he went onto OW#2. he is now married to OW#2 and stuck with her. I am sure that it will not last again – after all, they each married a known cheater – but for now, they stick together because they would be too embarrassed to admit that they are not happy. Oh well. That is their life

For me – I got busy living a good life. Met people, got active. And eventually met, and married a truly wonderful man. A man who treats me well, loves me, loves my children. We travel together, laugh together, love together. My new M is far better than my old one, but I never knew that was possible.

Quit worrying about those 2. They may get married. Oh well. That just means they will be stuck with each other until they file for D. Yuck. No thanks.

If you feel up to it, I would be curious to know why you think you were such a horrible wife that he would leave you.

Hope,

I will try not to wallow in my self pity for too long. I just hate my life right now!

Gabie...

Thanks for your prayers. I guess I need all I can get.

Jin, I filed for the D. When I found out he was having an A, I just couldn't deal with the betrayal. To this day I think I acted hastily and regret filing. He could have withdrawn the D petiton, but he did not.

I hate to say this, but I do feel as if God had betrayed me too. I never ask for much, I prayed so long and so hard. Where did it all get me?!

for what its worth - I was the one who finally filed for the D as well. I was worried about finances and needed to get it all in writing.

Is it possible that you prayed so long and hard and your wH still refused to turn from his sin, so the Lord has set you free from that M, so you can move onto something better? Would you want to live in that limbo forever?

You hate being a "divorced woman" - so do I. it was embarassing at first. But no one will think less of you. If you saw me on the street corner, and heard that I was someones "ex wife" would you think poorly of me?

catgirl,

I'm sorry I don't know your whole story, but I wanted to say that I will be thinking of you and praying for you tonight.

Catgirl, please don't give up the faith. God does have a wonderful plan for you, a better one. It was your "ex" who chose to do this. Please, PLEASE don't beat yourself up about filing first. It doesn't matter. Don't blame yourself. YOU DIDN'T DO THIS.

I just know that there is a wonderful, caring man out there waiting for you.

Catgirl, please don't think that I don't know how you feel. I came so close to divorce. It was horrible. And even though we are recovering, it doesn't make it any less difficult. Every path in this scenario just stinks. It's difficult, no matter which way it turns out. Trust me on that.

Please post tomorrow. Don't be by yourself in this.

My ex's OW was 17 years younger also. She dumped him 2 weeks after the divorce was final. So things may happen with yours too.

Sorry you are feeling down. I felt the same way about the Lord and praying. I even went through a brief period of not praying (why bother?). But as I recovered, I got my faith back.

How did you come out financially? Will you be able to make ends meet?

Cat,

I'm so sorry for your pain. Go ahead and vent - I'll read it all night if you like. I have nothing else to do because you see, my WH is probably with OP right now, so I'm here with my pity party too. I'm sure if my sitch turns out like yours I will feel exactly the same way.

The thing that I keep telling myself is that when I look backwards and see the times that God did not answer prayers, well, there was a reason. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now. For the life of me, I don't know why he isn't answering mine right now (again), but I know that someday I'll know why. I know that probably isn't much comfort to you now, but food for thought....

some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers!!


(((Cat)))

You are not alone, you have us!!

Cat - it *will* get better. I will pray for you too. I've gone through some tests of faith - and even when I've given up on God, sooner or later He shows me why I had to go through whatever I went through.

Right here, right now, it sucks - there's no 2 ways about that - and God *is* hearing your prayers, but His will and what you want may not be the same thing - but only because He has other things in mind for you, and this experience will strengthen you.

He won't give you anything you can't handle - you're here, you're still standing, and we're here to help you. He sent this wonderful group to each of us to help us in our respective crises.

For some people, reconciliation *can* happen after divorce - that's what I came here hoping for - but it may not happen - in fact right now it looks like it won't happen at all. I'm still somewhat hopeful but I'm trying to keep working on myself and open my mind and heart to hear what God has planned for me, whether it be reconciliation with my XH, or just being OK on my own. Maybe someday there will be a wonderful man - maybe not - but I know that *right here, right now* I need to be OK with me, OK with my kids - OK on my own. If I'm not, then I won't be OK to enter any other relationship, be it with XH if that's what God's plan is, or somebody else - either case will be down the road for me at some point, because here and now it's just me, and just my kids.

You are here too- just you, just your kids - and it *will* be OK.

I was like WOF5 - I had to do what I had to do to protect finances for the kids and me. Not what I wanted, but it was what I needed and what I chose to do and it seemed best at the time. Sucked - I'd married for life - or so I thought, but when the other person checks out emotionally there's not much we can do but pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on.

You'll be OK. Today is hard - but tomorrow it will get better. Just hang in there, minute by minute, hour by hour. Look to your support system to help you when you feel weak. Talk to God anyway - even if you're telling Him you are hurt and disappointed - let Him comfort you.

I will lift you up in prayer. I've had lots of faithful friends who lifted me when I was weak and not so sure of my faith. It's time for me to pay it forward a bit.

God bless

JinGA

Cat -

I am so very sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately I understand the pain of this. Its heartwrenching and debilatating. Please know there are so many people who care about you and are here for you.

Though you might not believe in G-d right now, he is still there loving you with something in store. But I know those are just words and don't really make you feel any real comfort.

I also found this memo on this site yesterday. Please read it - it is very good.
MEMO FROM GOD
Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes you need to make in your life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill my promises to you -- to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. I know, I already gave you the 10 Commandments. Keep them. But follow these 10 guidelines, also.

1. QUIT WORRYING- Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST- Something needs to be done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do-list is long, I am after all, God. I can take care of anything you put into my hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME- Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on my list. Problem with finances? Put it on my list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For my sake, put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE- Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with me and forget about them. Just let me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME- I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But, there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please don't forget to talk to me - OFTEN! I love you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH- I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in me that I know what I'm doing. Trust me, you wouldn't want the view from my eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE- You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT- I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes me a little longer than you expect to handle something on my to-do-list? Trust in my timing, for my timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND- Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF- As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only - to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes my heartache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget that!With all my heart I love you,God

Please take care and you can email me at skinsgal@wwdb.org if you need to talk.

Warmly,
SG

{{{{{{{{CAT}}}}}}}}}}

I know that probably nothing I can say will lessen the blow that has been dealt you today. Just know that the MB community is here for you and many of us have felt the pain you are feeling. You can get through this. Pamper yourself and take it easy these first few weeks. I want you to visit a website. A friend sent this to me when she found out what I was going through with my WH. It really helped me put my situation in persective. Interview with God Know that you will be in my prayers.

First I want to thank all of you for spending your time to post to me. I wish I could see each of you in person to thank you and really tell you how much your kindness means to me.

WOF5,

I agree with you. It scares me what you write, it's as if you have met me, as I think/feel what you are writing. Why would I lower my standards to want a man who left his wife and kids to be with a married woman at the time, who is 17 yrs. younger? I think it is because I am afraid I will not get anyone else. I never dated much, he was the first man I ever slept with. He's handsome, I just feel comfortable with him. I don't want to do the dating and getting to know someone, their family, their quirks etc, etc, all over again. I was with this man 1/2 my life. And please don't take this wrong as if I am some gold digger, but he made a very good income. We traveled as a family extensively. We don't live in a mansion, but never really wanted for much. He's ruined me and himself for that matter financially. Again, not to sound snooty, but we were spoiled. We lived the good life and I liked it. Who knows if I can find someone who can give me that life again? I know that sounds wrong, like I am only after $$, and that is not the truth at all. It is just I guess I liked my life, and I'm scared I will have to sacrifice what I had with him for a lesser life. Does that make sense at all?

I did change. I'm happy with the way I look now. Haven't been happy in that way for years. Lost a ton of weight etc. But you are right. I would have actually cut off my ear if it would have brought him back to me. Yet would he have changed or would it have been one sided? He told me that the change in me came too late. That I only changed (physically and emotionallly) because he left and he didn't think it would last if he ever came back to me.

Yes you right. I am VERY vengeful. I want him to hurt like he hurt me all these months. I want OW to cheat on him and let him see how it feels. My IC tells me all the time to use all that energy I spend on worrying about him and OW, on me. I just can't. I guess I am jealous. He has someone, yeah even though it's a ho, it's someone. I have no one. How will I feel if one day I meet them in a store, they are holding hands and I am there all alone?

He's happy, I'm miserable. It's not fair. I know I sound like a spoiled 2 year old, but that's how I feel right now. I wish he would die so I never would have to see him again. At least I would have closure and not worry about if I would meet him and OW shopping or wherever. I think a funeral would be easier than the pain I am going through now.

You asked why I felt I was a horrible wife. I was very controlling. I treated him like a child at times. Like I was his mother. Would nag him about petty stuff. Thinking about how I acted, I think I would have left too! He never helped much with the kids, I'd nag about that. He was a good provider though, as I said, we never wanted for much. Why couldn't I just have kept my mouth shut?

I had some health issues, a death in the family, that caused me depression. I never wanted to admit I was sick in that way. This went on for a few years. I refused meds and I became a bit$h. The house became a huge mess. He hated that and told me so. I didn't care. I cooked quick meals if I felt like it. Other times it was take out. I really didn't care about much, although I never neglected him or my kids, the house went to he**. He said he left me in part because he was sick of living in a pig pen. He was right. I was a SAHM, there was no excuse. I feel if I kept the house cleaner, he wouldnt have had that issue. If I didn't nag as much, he wouldn't have went looking for someone who was nicer to him. That's what I mean about not being a good wife.

I've since been on AD's now for over a year and I see such a huge difference. Had I not been so stubborn about going on them years ago, he probably would have been here today.

RLT,

Thanks for your prayers. How I wish I were you in recovery. I'm glad you are working on your M. I will try and post tomorrow.

Believer,

I came out O.K $$ wise I guess. They have formulas here that they just plug in his income and that tells how much I get, pretty much. I will have to scrimp and scrape. As I said earlier, I was spoiled by his income and traveling and buying this and that. No more. The kids too are spoiled. Asking why we aren't going on vacation this year. I'm lucky if I can afford to take them to a carnival! I know Ex is hurting financially now too.

I wish I could believe that their A will end now that we are D'd, but I think it will only make it stronger now that he is free of me. (OW's D was final months ago). He had already told DD, that once the D was over, he would take her to meet OW. Why would he tell her that if he was planning on breaking up with OW? I know everyone says that A's end, but I think he will be the 3% that doesn't.

Knit,

I've always believed somewhat that things do happen for a reason. You might not know why then, but 5 years from now you will. I just can't figure out why this would happen, not only to me, but to my kids as well. What good can possible come out of this? Kids need their fathers, not step fathers. So even if there is another guy out there for me, what about the kids?

Fled,

Thanks for yor kind words!

Jin,

Thanks for your prayers. I truly think my Ex is in a mid life crisis. And I truly think that even if he realizes he screwed up, he will never come back to me because of his pride. He would have to admit he messed up and he was a person who was always right. So I think even if he is miserable with OW, he will stick it out so he doesn't have to have anyone say to him... I told you so. I'd like to make it work again in part for the kid's sake. I think we could have had a very good and comfortable life.

I asked him a few weeks ago if the D was what he wanted. He told me it was. That he's had no [email]cr@p[/email] this past year (I assume that means my nagging etc) and he likes it that way. Again, proving OW is making him happy. Plus he told me alot of $$ has already been spent on lawyers.

Skins,

What a lovely memo. I have given it up to God, I've done nothing but talk to him for over a year. Asking him for guidance, asking him for help, asking him to end this pain, but nothing happned. That is why I have lost faith. It's been over a year that I've asked for help, for M and finances. I have yet to hear his answer. I know things are done on his time and not ours, but what else do I need to do? I know, keep the faith. I can't.

Lies,

I watched the interview. I cried. It was beautiful. I just have to start believing again, but with all that has gone on, I don't know if I have it in me. I am so drained.

It is so hard to comprehend that I am a divorced woman. Ex has been gone over a year, so he hasn't been livng here anyway, but I knew we were still conected by a thread. Now that thread is broken forever. It will take me a long time to accept that I guess. What a nut case I am. Just deal with it. I'm divorced for Goodness sake. It's not like I'm an axe murderer! Millions of people are D'd. I just can't handle that title I guess, nor want to believe it's finally true. Silly...

I need to sleep now. I'll try and post tomorrow. I appreciate you all keeping me in your prayers tonight. Maybe I will get a good nights sleep. I honestly can't say I've slept through the night in almost 18 months.

Cat.

Cat, I was, I think, one of the first people to reply to your first post here.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry things have turned out the way they have.

You know I'm also so sorry to hear you've lost your faith. It's when bad things happen to us that we turn away from God and that's when we need him most. Bad things happen all the time to good people (children die and loved ones die or are maimed and earthquakes and disasters and wars happen) and that's not when you should lose your faith, it's when you should turn to God and know his purpose is working itself out. He hasn't left you or forgotten you, He will always be there.

You have a bright tomorrow.

((((((Catgirl)))))

Cat,

How are you this morning?

Hi - I just had to write.. I read your original post and I was you five years ago... six years ago in September - down to almost every word.. I got the divorce because my ex slept with the woman next door - I couldn't understand what I did - I couldn't understand why it happened - I couldn't understand any of it.. but the advice that I want to give you is that it is indeed a long grieving process - and let me tell you alot of people wont' understand why it seems like you are still hanging on even though it is over... but you will get through it... I got through it by having a good couple of friends on this board that talked to me everyday throughout everything - whenever I wanted to - friends that I have never even met but I still consider them to be my closest - because they have walked in my shoes - I still now five years later... have been to like five different therapists - not really dated still... My ex on the other hand - we went through - absolute ****** the first years.. him not really seeing my kids and me wanting to fix everything - him lying to me still and going out with the woman next door - though finally they did break up about a year ago and him and I have buried the hatchet... do I love him - not so much anymore - do I still mourn my marriage absolutely but you know what my girls and I are closer - probably more so then we would have been if he was there... but anyways.. I guess what I wanted to tell you - was that - as I sit here five years later... am I happy - not totally - have I survived absolutely -do I feel I deserve better absolutely... Will I find true happiness again - absolutely... but in my own time... I have chosen pretty much to be there for my two girls - I have devoted the last five years to them - that is not to say if my knight in shining armor had come along I would have jumped at the chance but I didn't actively pursue it and leave them in the background - they already had enough of that from their father... OK but I could go on and on - but I guess I just wanted to say - take one day at a time... don't let anyone tell you that it is not ok to still be upset that it is over... you have to do this on your own time.. I would be more than willing to listen to you if you want anytime... I actually just heard so much of myself in your post - that I was just having to write to you... you can email me anytime at [email]mimi_welch@yahoo.com....[/email] and I will listen.... but again ... you have to find your own inner peace... but you are not gonna find it over night - and once you realize that is ok - it will start to get better... I was married for 15 years - together 18 but - I have just within the last year let it all go..... Do I wish sometimes I was still married to him - sure but you know I also know that I can do better.. and none of this was my fault no matter what he said... Again really email me - maybe I can help you - as much as my great friend rdvpmm helped and continues on a daily basis to help me.....

I really appreciate your honesty! Your openness is going to help in your healing.

You were comfortable with him. Understandable. But at the end of the day – he is just a man. Not some once-in-a-lifetime love that can never be re-created. Just a man. He farts, burps, leaves his own messes, has bad days, etc. Just a man.

You suffered from depression and let the house go? And that is a good enough reason to leave your wife? Yikes, I hope not. What if you became paralyzed and could not clean the house? Would it be ok to dump you then? What if you became blind and could not clean, is that a good reason to dump you? I don’t think so – and his selfish, chicken $hit actions of leaving you and the kids is not acceptable.

He couldn’t offer to help clean?
He couldn’t hire a cleaning person?

You were controlling? Nagging? Ok, so you probably could have found a better way to communicate with him and get him to help with the kids – but you don’t dump your wife and kids, and move in with some other mans wife because your own wife keeps bugging you to help out more.
Ok, enough about that. By the way – I too had a death. My mom died, the next year my H left me for another woman, and the very next year my only sister died at age 43. And at this point I count each day as precious! I look forward to seeing mom and sister again in heaven.

Ok, I am going to take a break here. My posts are always way too long

I just want to speak to come of your concerns.

It is definately possible to have the same comfortable lifestyle you had before. You just need to set your own priorities for spending. And guess what – you get to choose your own priorities, all by yourself! If traveling is the most important thing for you, then plan to spend money on travel, and spend less on groceries, or spend less on clothing. Or drive a cheaper car. If nice clothes is more important – then budget accordingly. The thing is – you get to decide!! Your clothing budget is all yours – no more spending money on WxH’s clothes. When you start to get in the swing of this, I think you will see some real advantages. I remember one night my son and decided we wanted French fries at 11:00 at night – so we hopped in the car and got them. My WxH would have told me that was stupid, I shouldn’t be driving around that time of night eating fries with my son. But we didn’t have to worry about him anymore, and we had fun!!

And don’t worry too much about dating. You are not really ready yet anyway. But when you are – you will find that the discovering each others little quirks is a little bit easier when you are older. When you and WxH first dated, you did not have much experience, and everything was strange. The next time you date, you all ready know a lot more about men, and about yourself.

And finally, if I can convince you of one thing – do not worry about revenge for another minute. It will take care of itself. There are a lot of things happening in his life, right now, that you do not know about. When people tell you to just “spend your own energy on yourself” – I know that sounds utterly ridiculous, but let me give you some suggestions. You all ready look better – lost weight, etc. Now, every time you leave the house, make sure you look like a million bucks. Hair done, jeans that fit like a glove, make up. That way, if you ever run into whats-his-name he will see what a treasure he is missing out on. Exercise, take vitamins, drink water, all that stuff you are supposed to do. You will look good, and feel good, and he will pale in comparison.

Get out of the house and get involved. Sing in the church choir, attend bible studies, go on a missions trip to Mexico, plan a girls getaway with friends, attend school functions, go to every party you are invited to. Fill your calendar with good stuff. When you help others, you will feel better. You will smile more. That is your main goal. And on the other side of the coin – when you feel better, and smile more, and people see you out in the community doing good things – they will look at what a great person you are and say “wow, look at what a prize she is. Her WxH was an idiot”. So, you see how revenge starts to take care of itself? Our WxH’s friends see how great you look, how you are doing all this great stuff and they make little comments to WxH like “I hear catwoman is doing _______. “ WxH is awkward and doesn’t know how to respond.

And the more you get out and do good things, the more news will get back to Ow. Trust me – everytime she hears your name she has a small panic attack. You are the mother of his children. She knows that will have to hear your name a lot, and it makes her nervous. So make sure she gets to hear your name a lot – from other people. “I hear that your boyfriends ex wife is taking classes” “I hear that your boyfriends ex wife is leading a missions trip” “I hear _______”
Do you see what I am saying? Live a great life – and theirs will pale in comparison.

Because here is my prediction, based on my own experience and the experience of everyone else on these boards. Eventually – their R will die out. He may not dump her – she may dump him. They may even get married – it so, pity him. Because he will lose even more $$ on his second D. And right now you think it would make you feel happy to hear about it. But when it really does happen – it never makes you happy. It just makes you sad. You pity him. The stupid idiot! You look at him and see a broken man. Someone who was not smart enough, or strong enough, to stand up for his M, and do the right. He could tell his skank GF that he was going to stay with his W and make things work. But he never did. And you will see the whole thing as a shame, a waste, and frankly you start to lose some respect for your WxH.

After saying all that, let me end by saying your WxH could still decide to reconcile. It can happen. And for your kids sake, I hope that it will. But quit worrying, and wondering, and get out there and fill your calendar with stuff that makes YOU happy.

And by the way – my new H makes WAY more money then my Ex did! I have a way bigger ring this time. But more important my new H loves Jesus, loves to travel , and is a lot of fun to be with.